There are 16 messages totalling 625 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore on Women <Adult Humor>
  2. Office Suites <clean>
  3. Computer Hillbillies (offensive to hillbillies w/o a sense of humor)
  4. Lawsuits (clean), Camel (gross), & the Crash (innuendo)
  5. Humor-Never (clean)
  6. Humor-lecturing a son
  7. Humor --  Milking An Old Gag
  8. On the Cross again (Off. to Christians)
  9. the big dance [insensitive toward  the physically handicapped]
 10. Rejected Again
 11. Pickup lines  < OFFENSIVE TO WOMEN >
 12. Easter Bunny (offensive to religious Christians)
 13. storis (not offensive)
 14. Sad, sad joke <that's the warning, and the truth>
 15. frisbeetarianism revisited
 16. The Saddle <adult>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 03:31:57 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Women <Adult Humor>

*   This snow plow driver from North Dakota got married. He and his
  new Bride prepared for their wedding nite.   He watched for a while
  as she spread three different kinds of creams and then a white foam
  in preparation for their love making.  She finally announced that she
  was ready.  The man then asked if she still had that string of pearls
  necklace that he admired so much.
     She replied that she did indeed have it but wondered what in the
  world he needed it for at a time like this.
     He looked again at all her "preparations" and replied, "Ain't no
  way I'm gonna try to go into a mess like that without chains."
                                - - - - -

*   A PlayBoy falls in love with a showgirl and lavishes everything on
  her.  He buys her expensive clothes, jewelry and even a new car.  Then
  one day, he proposes.
     The showgirl answers, "Me marry you ???  No way !!!  The way you
  throw your money around ???"
                                - - - - -

* You know you can tell if a Yuppette from Columbia, Maryland is a true
  nymphomaniac ???   She's willing to have sex on the day she has her
  hair done.
                                - - - - -

*   Three young people met at a coffee hour following the Church service.
  The first young man said, "My name's Paul, but I'm not an apostle."
    The second in keeping with the first fellow's lead said, "Well, my
  name's Peter, but I'm not a saint."
    The last of the trio, a pretty young lass said, "Gee, my name's Mary,
  but I don't know what the hell to say."
                                - - - - -

* Every nite my wife brushes her hair with 500 strokes.  It doesn't do
  too much for her hair, but...  ya oughta see the arm muscles on this
  woman !!!


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 12:36:04 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Office Suites <clean>

Top 9 tasks you don't want to perform with your suite:

9. Install it to a hard drive that already contains 975 fonts and the
complete works of your Company's Legal Department.
8. Let your children embed the graphics of their choice into your
annual report.
7. Link your bankruptcy worksheet to the letter for a loan
application.
6. Figure out which program brings down Windows 95, when you have
them up all at once. Don't save your work. Sneeze.
5. Try to use your word processor as a Web browser.
4. Include your resume in a presentation given to the Board.
3. Collaborate with someone whose idea of user interface is the DOS
prompt.
2. Balance the government budget.
1. One word: uninstall.
---------------------------------------------------------
Narapoia: The nagging feeling that everyone loves you and that they
are all out to help you, all the time.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 06:41:28 -0500
From:    Helen Hobson <hobie@PATRIOT.NET>
Subject: Computer Hillbillies (offensive to hillbillies w/o a sense of humor)

I got this from a co-worker ..... I don't think it's been posted in the last
6 months or so (if ever) ... I couldn't find it when I scanned through my
HUMOR archive ...  Enjoy:




The Computer Hillbillies
====================

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But the one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

UNIX, this is... CRTs... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...

Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "you project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'



         ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Helen Hobson                       *Freelance Web Work - Always Accepted*
Internet Developer, ATS          Life's great once you pay your dues :-)
aka - Hobie               Surfin' in 'Net time ...... Cruisin' Along......
hobie@patriot.net - home &  hhobson@fdic.gov - work
http://patriot.net/~hobie -  Hobie's - my corner of the web

**standard discl: I speak only for me, myself &
 I - NOT my employer or any clients !!**

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 14:27:43 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Lawsuits (clean), Camel (gross), & the Crash (innuendo)

The Top Five most frivolous cases filed by New York City prisoners in 1996:

     *Francis Hugh Smith claimed New York owed him US$10 million because
faulty medical care caused amnesia that made him leave his work-release job
and forget to return to prison.
     *Anthony Malloy sough "US$989 billion trillion" because he said prison
guards beat up his jacket, which he was not wearing at the time. His case
was dismissed.
     *Anthony Gill claimed secondhand cigarette smoke from other inmates
caused him medical problems -- altho' he buys cigarettes from the prison
commissary.
     *Jose Reyes wants US$1000 because the state made him eat vegetable diet
loaf after he violated prison rules. He said he lost 450g.
     *Thomas Higgins sued the state for US$10,000 because a prison laundry
machine broke and he claims a constitutional right to clean clothes and
blankets.

The number of lawsuits filed last year was up 32 % over 1995, when cases
included complaints over soapy milk, bad haircuts and melted ice cream.
--------------------
Foreign Legion (gross!!!)

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.  On his
orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of
the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's
the camel for?". The sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from
anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we
have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for morale, then I
guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand
it any more so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE
CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the
captains quarters. The captain got a step ladder and proceeded to have
vigorous sex with the camel.  Finally satisfied, he stepped down from the
ladder, and while buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how
the enlisted men do it?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just
use it to ride into town."
--------------------
Airplane Crash (innuendo)

     One day, during a flight, the pilot said over the loudspeaker that they
had ran out of fuel and the plane was going to crash.  There would be about
5-7 minutes before the plane would crash on the ground below due to the
height of the plane.
     One girl stood up, ripped off her blouse, faced the guy next to her and
said, "Show me I'm a woman one last time."
     With that, the guy took off his shirt and said, "Here, iron this."
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.  To join a virtual campfire of story-
tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires,
e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org   Type "subscribe nerdnosh"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 07:48:43 -0500
From:    "Gunther, Tina" <tina_gunther@PETER.BIOLA.EDU>
Subject: Humor-Never (clean)

Excerpts from'Have A Nice Day' Laugh #0411
Originally submitted for your enjoyment by Beth Kaeser:

                   NEVER...

  Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother
  to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

  Never say "Oops" in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

  Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or
  "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
     -Tim Allen

  Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying
  for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin

  Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end
  to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's
  always gonna be me!" -Rita Rudner

  Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow Wilson

  Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the
  room. -Winston Churchill

  Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American
  adage about antagonizing newspaper editors. You got a problem with that?

To subscribe/unsubscribe to HAND list, send message to majordomo@bapp.com
                         in body type: subscribe HAND

=======================================================

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 10:15:27 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Humor-lecturing a son

A father thought it was about time to lecture his son who was somewhat
scatterbrained and frivolous.
"Jim," he said, "You're getting to be a man now and you ought to take
life more seriously. Just think; if I died all of a sudden, where would
you be?"
"I'd be right here," said Jim.  "The question is, where would you be?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 11:15:30 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor --  Milking An Old Gag

 That's not a milk mustache on House Speaker Newt Gingrich's lip in the latest
 Advertising Age magazine -- but then it's not a real ad either. Comedy
Central's parody of those ubiquitous celebrity "Milk -- Where's your
mustache?" ads features Gingrich with a crow's foot and feathers poking out
of his mouth. The mock slogan: "Crow: Not too hard to swallow." In the ad
copy, Gingrich explains: "Hey, I'm a politician. And I know how to eat crow
when I have to. ... The key is to start early. With just a few feathers a
day, then when the time comes to swallow a whole bird, you won't gag a
bit."

Source: Houston Chronicle (c)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 12:50:21 -0500
From:    Janissary <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: On the Cross again (Off. to Christians)

 Brian Myers' "On the Cross" today reminded my of another
 "cross-dresser" joke. It's really an "act-out" sort of joke
 and kind of hard to tell in e-mail but here goes...

 [Standing erect arms stretched out to either side. Begin
 voice-over narration:] It's late Friday afternoon on Golgotha
 and the crowds have melted away. There's nobody left at the base
 of the cross but this little kid. He fixes his gaze on Jesus for
 a while and finally speaks up "That looks pretty uncomfortable."
 [Head nods agonized assent.] "Is there some way I can help you?"
 [Head nods in direction of left hand. Speak in croaking voice:]
 "The hands... The nails... Hurt...". [Continue voice-over
 narration:] The kid thinks about this for a while and then goes
 off. A short time later he returns with a ladder and a huge pair
 of pliers. He sets the ladder against the right side of the
 cross-beam and climbs up. He grasps the nail in Jesus's left
 hand with the pliers and tugs at it hard until he pulls it free.
 [Drop left arm to the side and display look of relief on face:]
 "Ahh..." [Nod towards the right hand. Speak in croaking voice:]
 "Now... The other one..." [Continue voice-over narration:] The
 kid climbs down the ladder, picks it up, carries it over, and
 sets it against the left side of the cross-beam. He climbs up,
 grasps the nail in Jesus's right hand with the pliers, and tugs
 at it hard until he pulls it free. [Anguished scream as you
 pitch forward arms flailing:] "The feet! The feet!

... (Copyright 874 by Theophylact the Unbearable)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 13:29:32 -0500
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: the big dance [insensitive toward  the physically handicapped]

This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not understand
this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.

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This is an oldie, but a goodie, remembered from a long time ago:


many years ago, a girl was run over by her father's tractor when she was
very little, and, as a result, ended up with a peg-leg which has to be
replaced every few years, as she was growing up.

her father was not a rich man, he was barely able to keep his family
fed, and he would carve his daughter a new peg-leg, when she needed a
replacement.  the girl became very self-conscious about the peg-leg, and
never went out with any of her friends, as they start growing up and
dating boys.  It wasn't that the girl was unable to get around normally,
it's just that many children of the town were repulsed by the sight of a
peg-leg.

now in this same town, it turns out that the son of the blacksmith [who
just happens to be the same age as the girl in this story] had one of
his eyes put out by a spark flying from his father's hearth, also when
he was a little boy.

the blacksmith, as luck would have it, was also very poor, since it was
already becoming the age of the automobile, and there was little call
for his services, any more.  they struggled as best they could just to
feed themselves, so the smithy carved his son a wooden eye, which would
have to do until the boy grew up, got a job, and was able to afford a
better one for himself.

never having had many opportunities to date, neither of these two
unfortunate youths was very adept at social graces.  Finally, however,
there was the big high school dance. everyone was invited to attend, and
there was a chance that either of them might find someone to call a
special friend.

as the night progressed, however, it became painfully apparent to each
of them that neither was going to be asked to dance or join in the rest
of the festivities.

finally, the smithy's son decided that he would ask the farmer's
daughter to dance. he plucked up his courage, walked over to where she
was sitting, and asked her the big question, "would you care to dance?"

elated beyond her limited experience, she stood up and replied, "*WOULD*
I?!?!?!"

furious, he jumped back, pointed at her, and shouted, "PEG-LEG!!!
PEG-LEG!!!"

be seeing you,

oxo

p.s.  say it out loud and/or think about it.


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<HTML>
<HEAD>
<META HTTP-EQUIV=3D"Content-Type" CONTENT=3D"text/html; =
charset=3Diso-8859-1">
<META NAME=3D"Generator" CONTENT=3D"MS Exchange Server version =
5.0.1457.3">

</HEAD>
<BODY>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">This is an oldie, but a goodie, =
remembered from a long time ago:</FONT>
<BR>
<BR>
<BR><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">many years ago, a girl was run over =
by her father's tractor when she was very little, and, as a result, =
ended up with a peg-leg which has to be replaced every few years, as =
she was growing up.</FONT></P>
<BR>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">her father was not a rich man, he was =
barely able to keep his family fed, and he would carve his daughter a =
new peg-leg, when she needed a replacement.&nbsp; the girl became very =
self-conscious about the peg-leg, and never went out with any of her =
friends, as they start growing up and dating boys.&nbsp; It wasn't that =
the girl was unable to get around normally, it's just that many =
children of the town were repulsed by the sight of a =
peg-leg.</FONT></P>
<BR>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">now in this same town, it turns out =
that the son of the blacksmith [who just happens to be the same age as =
the girl in this story] had one of his eyes put out by a spark flying =
from his father's hearth, also when he was a little boy.</FONT></P>
<BR>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">the blacksmith, as luck would have it, =
was also very poor, since it was already becoming the age of the =
automobile, and there was little call for his services, any more.&nbsp; =
they struggled as best they could just to feed themselves, so the =
smithy carved his son a wooden eye, which would have to do until the =
boy grew up, got a job, and was able to afford a better one for =
himself.</FONT></P>
<BR>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">never having had many opportunities to =
date, neither of these two unfortunate youths was very adept at social =
graces.&nbsp; Finally, however, there was the big high school dance. =
everyone was invited to attend, and there was a chance that either of =
them might find someone to call a special friend.</FONT></P>
<BR>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">as the night progressed, however, it =
became painfully apparent to each of them that neither was going to be =
asked to dance or join in the rest of the festivities.</FONT></P>
<BR>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">finally, the smithy's son decided that =
he would ask the farmer's daughter to dance. he plucked up his courage, =
walked over to where she was sitting, and asked her the big question, =
"would you care to dance?"</FONT></P>
<BR>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">elated beyond her limited experience, =
she stood up and replied, "*WOULD* I?!?!?!"</FONT>
<BR>
<BR><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">furious, he jumped back, pointed at =
her, and shouted, "PEG-LEG!!!&nbsp; PEG-LEG!!!"</FONT>
<BR>
<BR><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">be seeing you,</FONT>
<BR>
<BR><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">oxo</FONT>
<BR>
<BR><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">p.s.&nbsp; say it out loud and/or =
think about it.</FONT>
<BR>
</P>

</BODY>
</HTML>
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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 15:37:53 -0500
From:    Bill Crawford <bill@ERIN.MV.COM>
Subject: Rejected Again

PLAYGIRL MAGAZINE
Centerfold Division
6969 Sexual Drive
Climax, Kentucky 42458

April 3, 1997

Dear Sir:

Your name has been submitted to us along with your photographs, and
I regret to inform you that we will be unable to use your body in
our centerfold.

On a scale of 0-10, your body was rated -2 by our panel of women
ranging in ages from 60-75 years.  We attempted to assemble a panel
in the age range of 25-35 years but we could not get them to stop
laughing long enough to reach a decision.

Should the taste of American women ever change so drastically that
bodies such as yours would be appropriate in our centerfold, you
will be notified by this office.  In the meantime, don't call us,
we'll call you.

Sympathetically,


Amanda Smith, Editor
PLAYGIRL MAGAZINE

P.S.  We do commend you for your unusual pose.  Were you wounded in
the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 17:26:15 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Pickup lines  < OFFENSIVE TO WOMEN >

Pickup lines:

GUY:  " The word of the day is legs.  Let's go back to my place so we can
spread the word. "

GUY: " Your daddy must be a baker, because you got a nice set of buns. "

GUY:  " Your daddy is a thief, he took the twinkle out of the stars and
put it in your eyes. "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Send me an E-mail at    Shaq3434@Juno.com     for a list of my " Classic
Jokes "

Put ONLY  the following:    " Classic Joke list " in the subject (
without the quotes ).
And your e-mail address in the body of the message.

YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE THE CLASSIC JOKES IF THIS ISN'T FOLLOWED CORRECTLY.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 19:48:53 -0500
From:    Julia Freiman <yulia@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Easter Bunny (offensive to religious Christians)

Q:  What does the Easter Bunny have to do with Easter?

A:  Jesus had reincarnated as a bunny.                ;-)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 20:44:12 -0600
From:    Cyndi <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: storis (not offensive)

>Man uses strong pesticide to kill head lice on a young girl
>>Source: Nando Times
>>OKLAHOMA CITY (03-29) - A six-year-old girl suffered a full
>>cardiac and respiratory arrest after a man tried to kill her head
>>lice by washing her hair with an industrial-strength pesticide.
>>The mother's boyfriend used an extremely toxic chemical,
>>Diazinon, without realizing how dangerous it can be to humans.
>>The chemical container was found by the girl's mother while
>>cleaning an empty house.
>>"She received a very large dose ... so it will take a while until
>>the poison runs its course," said Dr. Richard Mason. "We
>>washed her hair over and over again and she still smelled
>>strongly of the chemical."
>>----
>>* A woman who lost 250 pounds donated her leftover skin to a local skin
>>bank. She then tried writing it off as a charitable contribution. Her
>>accountant, Jim Weikart of New York, advised it would be a bad
>>deduction since she obtained her skin for free.
>>
>>>>> >>> FYI
>>* THE CHOICE IS YOURS: Drivers in the Philippines now have a choice
>>when pulled over by traffic cops. Either pay a cash fine or ... drop to
>>the pavement and do 10 pushups.
>>
>>* CARE FOR A DRINK?: A cocktail bar in Yukon, Alaska, served more
>>than 725 champagne drinks, each containing an amputated human toe.
>>The drink has been offered since 1980. Most of the amputated toes have
>>been donated.
>>
>>--------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 07:26:54 +0400
From:    Sampath Samarasinghe <rmsamar@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: Sad, sad joke <that's the warning, and the truth>

I heard this from a friend:-

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't come in to work because of a twisted
ankle?
His boss said it was a LAME excuse!!

Rim shot, please!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 19:43:48 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: frisbeetarianism revisited

This is my first direct post to the list. What follows is a reply to a
recent post with my addition afterwards. Hope you like it.

>Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
>your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

SPECIAL NEWS REPORT!
39  Frisbeetarians commit suicide by hurling themselves into the mouths of
Rottweilers.

Steven Garrett <sgarrett@nwrain.com>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Fighting for peace is like making love for virginity
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 10:03:34 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Saddle <adult>

 A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas,
 and an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas
 station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would
 curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo!
 and gallops off.

 "My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to
 that Injun to make him holler like that?"

 "Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms
 around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

 "Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."


 Chalapathi

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Apr 1997 to 4 Apr 1997
**********************************************