There are 15 messages totalling 564 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Moore on Wives 2. A Roman Urban Legend 3. More Student Goofs & The Balloonists (both clean) 4. Humor - Domestic Violence 5. Beer Games!!!! 6. Scottish Baseball Fan 7. A Family Affair (sexual themes) 8. An actual will filed for probate in Texas (clean) 9. Explicit Elvis Evidence Exposed! 10. Dirty Jokes! :) 11. Questions, offensive to Married people? 12. Joke/2 Riddles 13. The Black Sheep 14. Tickled until you bleed 15. 3 wishes ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 03:29:48 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Moore on Wives * I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said, "Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife just doesn't understand me at all, does yours ?" I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning your name at all." - - - - - * There's just no pleasin' some women at all. Just the other day I was trying to read the paper and naturally, my wife picked that moment to begin a discussion. I heard her say "...and then I went to see Dr. Gibbons." I grunted a reply, and she raised her voice saying, "Are you listening to me ?" I put the paper down and said, "Yes sweetheart, I heard every word. You said you went to see Dr. Gibbons. So... how is he ???" Would y'all believe she didn't talk to me the rest of the evening ? - - - - - * It's not all that often a wife will confess her faults. Just the other nite my wife said, "Hon, I know I'm not the perfect wife, for one thing, I realize I'm outspoken." Risking all manner of flying objects, I couldn't resist. I calmly replied, "Oh... by whom dear ?" - - - - - * Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary." Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "OH ? Really ? Were you ???" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 12:48:41 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: A Roman Urban Legend "Got a match?" (Attributed to Emperor Claudius Caesar NERO in 64 AD, moments before a great fire destroyed Rome. The city was lavishly rebuilt in stone and marble, befitting her status as Caput Mundi. However, urban planning criteria of those days, did not anticipate the invention of the internal combustion engine and the advent of the motor vehicle, which has made modern Rome the Caput Mundi of traffic jams. The fire was blamed on the Christians, the scapegoats of the day, before this role was imposed on the Jews, a few centuries later.) ----------------------------------------------------------- When the going gets weird, Maurizio turns pro. (Mrs. Mariotti) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 13:49:26 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: More Student Goofs & The Balloonists (both clean) Recently posted to Giggles, these are funny goofs lifted from Seattle-area student papers... --------------- A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm". At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory." All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms. Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France. Men are mammals and women are femammals. Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones. Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. Rainy- - - the afterbirth that lived... -------------------- 'Two Balloonists' Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground. So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says, "That man is a lawyer." "How can you tell?" inquires Harry. "Because the advice he gave us was 100% accurate, and totally useless." ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 06:05:39 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Humor - Domestic Violence Dugan was hauled into court for beating his wife with an oak leaf. "How can you bring a man in for beating his wife with an oak leaf?" asked the judge. "Well," said the cop, "it was a leaf from the dining room table!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 07:59:07 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: Beer Games!!!! Sent to me by a 37 year old female Canadian attorney.....one has to wonder...... part 1. >The Canadian Bluffing Drinking Game. > > > What you need: > > An unlimited group of friends > enjoying their drink of choice. > A deck of cards. > > To Set Up: > > Put down a row of 4 cards face down, > and then a row of 3, a row of 2, and then > one final card to symbolize the top of the > pyramid. Deal 4 to 8 cards to each player > (depending on the number of players and > whether or not you've had your ass > kicked at this game before) > > How to play: > > Turn over the first card in the first row > (the first row is the bottom row with 4 > cards) > The first row is worth one drink. The > object is to bluff the other people playing > the game. > The 1st player looks at his cards. They > can tell another player (or enemy) of > their choice to drink once, or they can > pass their turn. > The unfortunate victim has to decide > whether or not the player actually has > that card on the table in their hand. If > they think that the card is in the other > player's hand, they go ahead and drink > once. If they call bullshit, the other > player has to either show the card or > drink double. > If the other player can show the card, then the player > who called bullshit has to drink double. > > Proceed to turn over the next card in the > 1st row and repeat. When you get to the > 2nd row, the stakes increase. Each card > is worth 2 drinks and a Bluff could be > worth 4. > > Simply, The first row (4 cards) is worth > one drink. > 2nd row (3 cards) = 2 drinks. A miscalled > bluff = double (4 drinks) > 3rd row (2 cards) = 3 drinks. Bluff = 6 > drinks > 4th row (1 card) = 4 drinks. Bluff = 8 > drinks. > Feel free to add more rows (and more > risk) to the pyramid or add more cards to > the hands. > > The last person who can look at their > cards without bursting into laughter or > falling out of their chair WINS! > ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 10:58:10 EST5EDT From: Wayne Wood Subject: Scottish Baseball Fan A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attends his first baseball game. After a base hit, he hears the fans roaring "Run... run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "r-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya." The next batter's count goes up to three and two. As the pitch crosses past outside the plate, he holds his swing. The umpire calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "r-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!". All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 10:08:00 EST From: Jon Bisbey Subject: A Family Affair (sexual themes) There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?" He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?" "You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?" "Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!" "Well, are you taking somebody else out?" "You know I don't have a date, Sis." "And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other." The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday. At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again. "Hey, brother, let's dance." He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?" "Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?" "Oh . . . all right." So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time. In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home." He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?" "Oh, I don't know. Just drive around." He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?" "Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!" "Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?" So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again. "Hey . . . " she says. "What?" "Why don't you kiss me?" "You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car. She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it." "Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind. "You know what," his sister replied. "I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off. While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad." "I know," said her brother. "Mom told me." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 15:05:46 -0500 From: Debbie Gilleland Subject: An actual will filed for probate in Texas (clean) (I received this from another list I subscribe to. I don't know who sent it. ) An actual will filed for probate in Anderson Co TX : Will of Herman Obelweiss I am writing of my will mineselluf that dam lawyer want he should have too much money, he asked to many answers about family. first thing i want i dont want my brother oscar have a dam ting what i got. he done me out of forty dollars fourteen years since. I want it that hilda my sister she gets the north sixtie akers of at where i am homing it now. i bet she dont get that loafer husband of hers to broke twenty akers next plowing time. she cant have it if she lets oscar live on it i want it i should have it back if she does. Tell mama that six hundred dollars she been looking for for twenty years is berried from the backhouse behind about ten feet down. she better let little frederick do the digging and count it when he comes up. Pastor lucknitz can have three hundred dollars if he kiss the book he wont preach no more dumhead polotiks. he should have a roof put on the meetinghouse with (it) and the elders should the bills look at. Momma the rest should get but i want it that adolph shud tell her what not she do so no more slick irishers sell her vokum cleaners dy noise like hell and a broom dont cost so much. I want it that mine brother adolph should be my execter and i want it that the jedje make adolph plenty bond put up and watch him like hell. Adolph is a good business man but only a dumkoph would trust him with a busted pfenning. i want dam sure that schlemic oscar dont nothing get. tell adolph he can have a hundred dollars if he prove to jedje oscar dont get nothing. tham dam sure fix oscar. /s/ Herman Obelweiss. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 14:50:23 -0500 From: Cereal Killer Subject: Explicit Elvis Evidence Exposed! From: There's always someone somewhere who claims to have had an Elvis sighting. Most people who claim to have seen Elvis still alive wind up calling National Enquirer. Sometimes the people at the Enquirer follow up, but often they don't. However, this particular time they were definitely intrigued. It wasn't the usual type of Elvis spotter, but a retired Harvard professor. And he said he had "irrefutable photographic evidence" that Elvis was actually alive. So the Enquirer sent a reporter to the professor's remote home in the mountains of northern Vermont. When the reporter arrived, the elderly professor took him downstairs to the basement, where the professor unlocked the door to the room where he kept the evidence. Then finally the reporter was able to see it himself. It was one snapshot, a shot of the professor standing in front of the house -- alone. The reporter didn't get it. "Where's the photographic proof of Elvis?" he asked the professor. "Don't you see?" replied the professor, "Elvis took the photo!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 15:59:23 -0500 From: Megan Taylor Subject: Dirty Jokes! :) Why is every cock stupid ? Because, every cock has a hole in the head. Whats the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz? One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker Do you know what the bananna said to the vibrator? What are you shaking for their gonna eat me. Do you know what one tampon said to the other tampon? Nothing their both stuck up bitches. What do you call 2 lezbians in a canoe? FUR TRADERS What is round hard and full of semen? A submarine What's the difference between pussy and parsley? No one eats parsley. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 18:19:49 -0500 From: David Burns Subject: Questions, offensive to Married people? What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? About 45 minutes ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Apr 1997 18:03:05 -0800 From: "Wylie Coyote, Supergenius" Subject: Joke/2 Riddles Call into the Emergency Room:" Please, come quickly, my son swallowed a condom!" Five minutes later the same caller:"you don't have to come anymore, we found another one!" ------------------- What is a woman with sperm on her glasses most likely to say? I saw that one coming... -------------------- What is Mathematics? When you take the root out of an unknown... ******************************************************************************** Wylie Coyote, Supergenius :) Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted... Press -- to continue... ******************************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 19:15:44 EST From: "Donald E. Chesnel" Subject: The Black Sheep A white American Missionary gets an assignment to a remote part of Africa, deep in a jungle area. He ends up living with a Tribe and spends years with them. He teaches them to read, write and gives them some good Christian philosophy. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin, especially adultery. One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the Tribe sends in their Chief to talk to the Missionary. The Chief says, "You have lectured us day in and day out on the evils of adultery, etc., and now we are faced with this crisis. You are the only white man to ever set foot in this village - it doesn't take a genius to figure out what has happened here." The Missionary just smiled and says to the Chief, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a totally natural occurence - it's what is known as an albino." "Look to thy yonder field - a group of pure white sheep, yet one among them is as black as the dead of night. Nature plays cruel tricks on occasion." The Chief paused for a moment and then says, "That's cool - tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep and I won't say anymore about the white baby!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Apr 1997 19:38:34 -0800 From: "Wylie Coyote, Supergenius" Subject: Tickled until you bleed Strange, but true: ------------------ Friday March 28, 1997 Tickle Me Elmo doll involved in beating Somerset, Mass. A domestic argument left a man dazed last week after his estranged wife used a Tickle Me Elmo doll to club him on the head and knock him down, police said. Heidi J. Souza, 34, of 1473 County Street, hit Thomas K. Souza, 34, of 206 Lepes Rd., so hard with the red furry doll that when a police officer arrived, a stunned Thomas Souza was bleeding from his left cheek. Souza, who is separated from her husband, was charged with violating a restraining order and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. ******************************************************************************** Wylie Coyote, Supergenius :) Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted... Press -- to continue... ******************************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 19:47:46 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: 3 wishes An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life,when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears infront of her and informs her that she will be grantedthree wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." POOF her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." POOF she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" sheasks. .POOF . .?there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makesher knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Apr 1997 to 5 Apr 1997 **********************************************