There are 11 messages totalling 578 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Misc Humor 2. Building a wonderful resume! 3. Math Test (socially off.), Name Game (clean) 4. Actor wannabee 5. Some peace and quiet 6. Humor - Geoge Carlin's One Liners 7. Being a Brotha... (Language) 8. Knowledge is power 9. Emergencies?! 10. HUMOR: Ellen 11. Van Gogh's Relatives ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 02:33:18 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Misc Humor * I've been having so much fun on this humor listserver thing. I often read my stuff aloud to Mrs. JimJr. Just the other morning she had no comment, so I said "Hon, did you hear my last joke?" There was a pause, and then she replied in her famous monotone, "I certainly hope so !" - - - - - * Lots of people have the "gift of gab". Unfortunately, very few of them know how to wrap it up. - - - - - * Thank goodness another tax year is over too. This year, my accountant came up with some many deductions, I should have plenty left for bail. - - - - - * Y'all wantta know what's wrong with this country ? Well, I'll tell ya one thing for sure. For President we get our choice of two, maybe three candidates; for Miss America, we get at least fifty. - - - - - * Saw this Yuppie acquaintance of mine from Columbia Maryland the other week. Hoping to escape with just some small talk, I asked him how he was doing. He said that he now realizes he used to be an arrogant, conceited, overblown pain in the ass. Then added. "But after just six short months of therapy Jimmy, I've changed. Now you couldn't meet a more friendly, nicer, more considerate guy than me." - - - - - * My wife is just as pretty as the day I married her. Of course, these days it takes about two hours longer. - - - - - * Like just the other nite, we were going out. She sat there and put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said "Does this look natural ?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 06:43:32 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: Building a wonderful resume! Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus. THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith--now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad. THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic! THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call--1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two. THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean: "Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-theart technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some noncritical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position." EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "B.A. in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993...and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT." EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system....Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much MTV. THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request"? What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 14:25:55 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: Math Test (socially off.), Name Game (clean) Before I gets to the funny stuff, part of my recent post, specifically "English is a Funny Language", was given without a source. That's because my source did not list credit with the material. However, a reader has told me that it comes from Richard Lederer's "Anguished English." So the credit belongs to our esteemed Mr. Lederer. -------------------- City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Test (socially offensive) 1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 8 of 10 shots and shoots 14 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-byes can he do before he has to reload. 2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the arrest value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the average take is $85 for each trick, how many tricks will each bitch have to turn so that Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit? 4. Jerome wants to cut his half pound heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he stole 2 BMW'S and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $1000? 6. Raul is in prison for 8 years for murder. He got 10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month than her welfare check, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is three square feet, how many times can you spell "Fuck" with 3 cans of paint? >> 8. Cajun knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Cajun knocked up? -------------------- What's in a Name? (clean) A young Jewish boy from New York went out west to college. One day in his senior year he called home and said to his mother, "Mom. I've got a surprise for you. I'm getting married." "Lucky you," his mom said. "Finding a nice young Jewish girl out in a place like Wyoming." "Mom," his son replied, "she isn't Jewish. She's a Native American." The mother fainted and wouldn't talk to him for a month. When she finally agreed to come to the phone, she said, "If you're going to marry an Indian, at least bring her home to me." Her son said, "Mom, we're already decided where to live. We're moving to the reservation." The mother fainted again. This time she didn't talk to her son for six months. When she finally agreed to come to the phone, her son said, "Mom, I've got some good news this time. You're going to be a grandmother." She hesitated, then said, "A grandmother is not a bad thing to be." Feeling pleased for the first time, she called once a month to find out how things were. Then one day she heard from her son. "Mom, I've got great news. We've just had a son. And we've decided to give him a Jewish name." The mother smiled. "Ahh. A Jewish name for my grandson. What is it?" "Smoked Whitefish." ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 10:26:51 EDT From: Arthur A Plante Subject: Actor wannabee A young man has one desire in life, to be an actor. After spending his high school & college years with the acting groups he still needs to fill his desire & attends an acting school He graduates and decides to hire an agent, knowing that this agent will take at least 10% of his earnings. He takes on the agent & instead of waiting for the call from him starts to pester the agent with daily calls, asking if there any part available. Every day, Every day, Every day. he calls with the same question "anything , anything, ANYTHING." The agent with many years of experience is finally worn out by all the daily calls & to get some peace tells the young man to come in for a part. The agent admits that this part is small however the play will be attendned by all the bigwigs of the industry and if he does well this will be the chance of a lifetime. Our young actor accepts the part & finds out that the play will not be on stage for 6 months. This is not bad news the agent says but Good News because now we'll have time to rehearse & get this part down PERFECTLY. Sooooooo every night our actor to be rehearses his part which is to carry a letter to a cival war general His only line," Hark I hear the cannons roar" is spoken with every breath. It soon becomes HARK...... I hear the cannons roar & then its Hark, I hear the CANNONS roar, onto HARK... I HEAR the cannons roar. Finally after the 6 months of practice , everything is perfect. Even the agent who has heard of devotion is now telling all the actors & people in show buissness that this young man could steal the show. Opening night and our actor is in the wings. The stage director motions him to proceed to the stage its showtime!!!! With letter in hand our actor proudly walks to center stage when the sound effects man lets out with a very loud KA-BOOOOM With that he turns around furiously and shouts.... WHAT TA FUCK WAS THAT!!!!!!!!!! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 21:19:23 +0400 From: Chemo Shaks Subject: Some peace and quiet This fella called Jack lives in the big city, and he's sick and tired of the noise, so he calls his son (who lives in a quieter part of town... namely the suburbs) and tells him to find an apartment on the last floor of the quietest building on the quietest street in town. His son calls him back about a week later, and tells him he found an apartment just as was asked, but on the second last - and not the last - floor. Jack says it's ok and moves in the next week. First night in his new apartment... peace and quiet, trying to sleep... when suddenly, the guy living upstairs starts playing the violin, and not very well, I might add. So Jack storms up there in his robe and yells at the fellow. "Tonight I must practice, because tomorrow is the concert." the guy replies. So Jack composes himself and goes back down, and gets what sleep he can. Second night, same story... "Tonight I must practice, because tomorrow I have a the concert." So Jack once again composes himself and goes downstairs, and sleeps (sort of). This goes on for a few more days. Then, on the sixth day, Jack enters the building's lobby and sees the man standing there with his violin. "SHIT! I've lost my patience with that asshole!" So he takes the elevator to the top floor, breaks into the guy's apartment, enters the bathroom, and starts masturbating. The unsuspecting fellow, a little while later, takes the elevator to the top floor too, and sees his door slightly open. "Damn, someone must have broken in!" So he searches the apartment and finds Jack sitting there in his bathroon masturbating. "JACK!" he yells, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" "Well, my friend" smiles Jack, "Today I must practice, because tomorrow I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you!!" :) SEEYA! Chemo ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 12:32:04 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Geoge Carlin's One Liners Houston Chronicle Columnist, Ken Hoffman (c): Unlike other comics' books, George Carlin's is actually funny Like every other comic on TV, George Carlin has written a book. But unlike the others, Carlin doesn't drone on about his childhood, his problems at home, his battles on the way up, blah, blah, blah. Carlin just tells jokes. From start to finish, Carlin's Braindroppings is packed with one-liners, random thoughts and weird viewpoints. Like ... Wouldn't it be funny if you went to group therapy and the Mills Brothers were there? Why don't they have dessert at breakfast? If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first baseball team, who did they play? If you have chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it. Where does the dentist go when he leaves you alone? In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. Do kings have sweatbands in their crowns? The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. * * * ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 16:07:00 EDT From: Jon Bisbey Subject: Being a Brotha... (Language) (Off the Comedy List from Michael.Eisenhour@Colorado.EDU) Please Read the following passage and the succeeding interpretation: Luke: "You fought in the clone wars." Ben: "I was once a Jedi Knight the same as your father." Luke: "My father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a space freighter." Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should stay home. Not gotten involved." Luke: "I wish I had known him." Ben: "He was a cunning warrior, and the best star pilot in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was a good friend. For over a thousand years the Jedi Knight protected the galaxy. Before the dark times. Before the Empire" Luke: "How did my father die?" Ben: "A young Jedi Knight named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Emperor hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Vader was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force." Luke: "The Force?" Ben: "Yes, the Force is what gives a Jedi Knight his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us. Penetrates us. Binds the galaxy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't allow. He thought you'd follow Obi-Wan on some idealistic crusade." Luke: "What is it?" Ben: "It a lightsaber. The weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as random or clumsy as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civilized age." ****************** Now the interpretation, as a conversation I never want to have with your son... ****************** Luke: "You were in the Greek System?." Ben: "I was once a Frat Guy the same as your father." Luke: "My father didn't belong to a frat. He was a tool, an RA in the dorms for four years." Ben: "That's what your mother told you. She didn't hold with your father's ideals. She thought he should stay home. Not drink until four in the morning and then piss on things." Luke: "I wish I had known him, when he could drink." Ben: "He was a cunning partier, and the best boat-racer in the house. And he was a good bro. I understand you've become quite a booze hound yourself. For over five years he got so curbed he could hardly function. Before the dark times. Before, his skirt." Luke: "How did my father become a lame ass?" Ben: "A young chick namely your mother, who was pretty cool herself until she turned to evil, helped other women hunt down and destroy the coolness in men. She civilized and murdered the bro who was once your father. Your mother was pissed off by the dark side of Beer" Luke: "Beer?" Ben: [smiles] "Yes, Beer is what gives a frat guy his power. It's a beverage created by hops and barley.. and shit like that. It fucks us up. Gives us beer goggles. And lets us yell stuff like "penis" in bars everywhere. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Mother wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow some Frat Brother on some binge drinking crusade." Luke: "What is it?" Ben: "Your father's beer-bong. The weapon of a Frat Guy. Not as random or clumsy as a shot glass. An elegant weapon for a less civilized age..." ************** To join the comedy list, send the command: subscribe comedy in the body of a message to "majordomo@fatboy.geog.unsw.edu.au". ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 May 1997 00:31:52 +0200 From: "Th. Legters" Subject: Knowledge is power Three cowboys were sitting around a campfire. Suddenly the first cowboy said: "1 +1 = 2." The second cowboy jumped up, grabbed his gun and shot the first one. The third one said: " Why did you do that ??" The killer said: "He knew too much !" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 19:08:04 -0400 From: Igor Immerman Subject: Emergencies?! (Posted on another humor-list by radtke@emirates.net.ae) Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction. - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. - A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby. - A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance. - A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch". - A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!" - A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. Were having a Butt- luck supper". (How embarrassing is that!) - An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!" - An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it. - The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint. - A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?" - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" - A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been fucking the dog?" - A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 21:48:54 -0400 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: HUMOR: Ellen Have you heard they are changing the name of the "Ellen" show (again) after last night's episode? They are going to rename it to "Leave it to Beaver." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 22:05:35 -0500 From: Cereal Killer Subject: Van Gogh's Relatives VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ... ---> U. Gogh The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white ... ---> Hue Gogh The real obnoxious brother ... ---> Please Gogh The brother who ate prunes ... ---> Gotta Gogh The uncle who worked at a convenience store ... ---> Stop N. Gogh His dizzy aunt ... ---> Verti Gogh His domineering aunt... ---> Vira Gogh The cousin who moved to Illinois ... ---> Chica Gogh His magician uncle ... ---> Wherediddy Gogh The cousin who lived in Mexico ... ---> Amee Gogh He also had a Filipino relative ... ---> Grin Gogh The nephew that drove a stage coach ... ---> Wells Far Gogh The uncle who was constipated ... ---> Cant Gogh The aunt who loved ballroom dancing ... ---> Tan Gogh His ornithologist uncle ... ---> Flamin Gogh His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist ... ---> E. Gogh His cousin who loved tropical fruits ... ---> Mang Gogh And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking ... ---> Whey Too Gogh His bouncy young nephew ... ---> Poe Gogh His Disco-loving sister ... ---> Go Gogh His Italian uncle ... ---> Day Gogh And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van ... ---> Winnie Bay Gogh ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 May 1997 to 3 May 1997 **********************************************