There are 7 messages totalling 310 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Doctors 2. This Wacky World (clean) 3. HUMOR - offensive to Brocleigh 4. Family Stress Test 5. bartender apprentice 6. Sluggo Press Release 7. You know you are getting old when ... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 3 May 1997 02:04:43 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Doctors * Has anyone else but me wondered why the scale in the doctor's office is always 5-10 pounds heavier that the ones we have at home? - - - - - * You wantta talk about ethical problems ? What about the heart surgeon who had to do risky by-pass surgery on a malpractice attorney ? - - - - - * An older man goes to a doctor and gets examined. The doctor tells him that until he recovers, he has to cut his sex life in half. The old guy smiles and sez, "Which half: thinking about it or talking about it ?" - - - - - * Like a lot of people, I had that stupid flu this past winter, and while I knew the doctor couldn't do a lot to help, I went to see him, because it was getting pretty severe. I told him, "Doctor it's so bad, I'm even having trouble breathing." His reply was hardly reassuring. He said, "Don't worry. I'll give you something to stop that." - - - - - * Doctors these days are just getting way too specialized. This guy I know has a real bad sinus infection. When it went to his throat, he had to change doctors. - - - - - * A man is having terrible rectal pains. A friend suggests that tea can be medically helpful in such matters. Since nothing else worked, the man places tea leaves on his anus and waits for relief. The pains however, become even more intense, so he rushes to the Emergency Room. The doctor, a young intern from India, takes a look at the man's rear end, then concludes, "I don't know what the problem is yet, but I see from the tea leaves you're going to take a long trip." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 May 1997 11:13:04 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: This Wacky World (clean) Fruit stall owner Giuseppe Scirrocco, who stopped paying taxes two years ago because he couldn't afford them, has been landed with a 12-billion lira (app. US$7 million) tax bill by officials in Milan, Italy. Teacher Jack Fesneau refused to speak to his wife Christina for more than two years because of the way she said "I do" at their wedding. Christina, from Quebec, Canada, has been granted a divorce. Police have decided not to prosecute Rashon Jackson, 19, after he phoned the emergency services to get directions to a bus station in New Jersey, US. A Judge granted a divorce to Percy Quentin because his wife Thelma organized a lottery - with herself as the prize. After selling 600 tickets at US$5 each in Los Angeles, US, the winner was a 73-year-old man. Anton Wladich's snoring has become so loud since breaking his nose, that most of his street's residents in Warsaw, Poland, have moved house to escape the noise. Furious girls in Lodz, Poland, are demanding a refund after paying US$800 to join a dating agency which had 300 women - but just seven men. An underwear factory in Volgrad, Russia, is preventing redundancies (layoffs) by paying its staff with 36 pairs of free knickers a month. Trucker Boris Kalusch drowned after trying to drink from the beer tanker he was driving. Police in Siberia found his legs sticking from the inspection cover. Former prisoner James Knapp confessed to police that he'd robbed two stores in Oklahoma, US, because he missed his old cell-mates. Police said they'd see if James could be reunited with his old friends. A zookeeper was pinned to the ground and had his trousers torn off - by a lovesick lady orangutan! Ken Alrand had cared for Anna ever since she was rejected by her natural mother in infancy. But he never realised that she had developed a crush on him. As Alrand was cleaning Anna's enclosure in Aalborg, Denmark, she pounced on him and ripped his pants off. "She's obviously fallen in love with me," says Alrand. "So I'll keep my distance from now on." Six people taken to hospital from a reception in Moscow were injured by flying champagne corks. Scared Charles Hurden locked himself in his shed for three days after he thought asteroids landed in his garden in Sydney, Australia. They were luminous balloons from a party 16 km away. Gunman Simon Kingstree failed to rob a bank in Carolina, US, because staff kept laughing at his big ears - even when he threatened to shoot a cashier. A man dubbed by police in Athens, Greece as The Cigarette Saboteur has taken to attacking people he sees smoking and forcing them to eat their remaining cigarettes. The oddball has claimed seven victims in six months. A pervert who exposed himself on the Paris Metro [subway] in France fled in horror when his victim - a transvestite - flashed back. Marauding moose have torn up seven light aircraft in less than a week at Anchorage Airport in Alaska. A burglar charged with raiding vending machine paid his bail with US$300 in coins. A golf match in Los Angeles, US, was abandoned when a cow wandered onto the fairway, deposited a cow-pat on the 17th green and then chased the players. Raindancer Jose Carquirre has been charged with manslaughter after six people died in a flood in Arcos, Brazil. ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 May 1997 07:46:23 -0400 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: HUMOR - offensive to Brocleigh Q - Do you know what they call women who only make love to women???? A - Vagitarians ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 May 1997 08:51:26 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: Family Stress Test Family Stress Test Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true. 1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 3. ____ The cat is on Valium. 4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf. 6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 7. ____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners. 8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. 10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates. Scoring: 30 - A perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood! 20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up. 10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path? 0- 9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway? ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 May 1997 16:32:45 EDT From: Arthur A Plante Subject: bartender apprentice A young man yearns to learn the tricks of being a bartender. Having no money he visits a local bar & offers his services for free providing the owner teaches him the trade. The owner of the bar feels that this a good deal & hires him The owner mentions to pay attention & watch carefully because before the day is over he will be asked to take over & be THEE bartender A few customers come & go & the apprentice notices that being a bartender requires a lot of small talk with each customer. He seems to be getting the knack of it when in comes a fairly attractive woman. Instead of the usual friendly chatter the owner says rather rudely, "Well if it isn't the douche bag herself. What can I get you today?" The young man now embarrassed asks the owner why the rude greeting and the answer he gets is "Because she's a douche bag" The lady customer hears all this and never says anything but simply smiles and asks for some service. Owner says "Well speak up douche what do you want?" By now the young man would rather be somewhere else and gets the bright idea to start his new career by asking the owner if he could finish serving the lady. The owner says OK kid here's your first customer, lets see what you can do. The youngster walks up to the lady & makes a great deal of wiping the bar down in front of her, places a clean napkin on the bar, slides over the peanut bowl & very professionally says "Good afternoon Mam, May I get something for you. She thanks him and says"Why yes I'd like the usual" Our new barkeep says" And what that might be Mam" She states "Vinegar & water" Arthur at the base of Cape Cod ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 May 1997 19:47:00 -0400 From: Marquis de Sade Subject: Sluggo Press Release Sluggo Press Release is a parody of daily international news. Every political figure, celebrity, nation, race, religion, etc. is a target; I don't discriminate. There are too many topics to offer individual warnings. Feel free to send criticism, suggestions, or flames. Oddly enough, Sluggo --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sluggo Press Release - 3 May, 1997 1. (USA) President Clinton, under pressure from financiers and his private psychic, has addressed the scientific community in a plea to curtail all experimentation involving cloning. He instead pushed for the research of projects to prove that Earth is realy flat, that leeches and bloodletting should be used in all medical procedures, and has announced the approval of several multi-million dollar scientific grants to prove that there really is is a little man inside the refrigerator who turns the light on when the door opens. However, he stood firm on backing research into robotics. "Despite the occasional Terminator or Borg Collective, robotics research has generally produced results that are friendly and beneficial to mankind, such as Gigantor, Johnny 5, C-3PO, and Vice President Al Gore," Clinton announced. -SLUG, 5 MAR- 2. (CHINA) The Hong Kong SOY DAILY reported Saturday that China's late Premier Deng Xiaoping had died from a massive brain hemorrhage. Doctors were amazed at Deng's post-hemorrhage EEG printout, because it perfectly matched an EEG from several months past. They were about to announce that the premier had come through unscathed, when one doctor pointed out that the EEG transmissions were actually coming from the 'hourly chime' of a Timex wristwatch that Deng's doctor had accidently sealed in the chest cavity after heart surgery three years prior. -ROIDERS, 5 MAR- 3.(IRAQ) While an Amman newspaper reported Monday that a Jordanian medical team was secretly en route to Baghdad to perform emergency surgery on Uday Saddam Husayn, an opposition spokesman said that Cuban physicians had recommended that Uday's left leg be amputated above the knee. Western doctors, who were not consulted, unanimously agreed that proper treatment would be to amputate Uday's testicles with a mallet, and place them outside in the noonday sun to dry. -ROIDERS, 17 FEB- ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 May 1997 23:17:17 -0400 From: George Hughes Subject: You know you are getting old when ... Found in the NY Times, April 27, p. e-7 I knew I was growing old when I stopped wearing a girdle and high-heeled shoes because I realized no one was looking anymore! I knew I was old when all the names in my address book ended in MD. My 12-year-old grandson said, "Grandma, were you alive when tennis balls used to be white. I knew I was old when I ceased to worry about my gray hair, dentures, baggy knees and blue feet and started to really enjoy myself and life, and when I found myself saying, "Back in my day ...." Everything I have either started leaking or dried up. I helped an old lady across the busy intersection and she turned out to be my wife. I kissed my wife and she yawned. I knew I was old when I couldn't find anyone who knew about Burma Shave signs. I was giving my four-year-old grandson a horseback ride on my shoulders when he said, "Grandpa, you are getting taller and taller." I said, "No, honey. Grandpas may get bigger around but they never get taller. Why do you think I am getting taller?" He said, "i know because your head is coming up through your hair." (there are many more in the article). ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 May 1997 to 4 May 1997 **********************************************