There are 9 messages totalling 482 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Religion 2. The marine core... (offensive to Irishmen) 3. Newtronium 4. Top 10 (innuendo), Children (clean), Confucious (innuendo) 5. PBS Schedule...If... 6. Electronic Engineer's girlfriend 7. Lesson in Economics 8. HUMOR Digest - 2 May 1997 to 3 May 1997 9. Top5 - 5/5/97 - Items in the "Republic of Texas" Constitution (fwd) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 4 May 1997 02:54:07 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Religion * At one point in my life I had considered joining the Baptist Church. For those of you who don't know, the Baptists practice total body immersion to baptize a person. Luckily I even knew a minister in that faith, having dated his daughter, and I asked him if he would consider performing the service. He paused a minute or two, gave me a long thoughtful look and said, "Jimmy, if you're serious about this, a dipping just won't do it for you. We'll have to find a place to anchor you overnite. - - - - - * The Guru proposed marriage to one of his attractive followers. He had reached a point in his life where he wanted to contemplate someone else's navel. - - - - - * There's a new sect just the New Agers. It's called "Jehovah's Bystanders". That's a Witness who doesn't want to get involved. - - - - - * A visitor to the nunnery asked a sharp, modern young Nun, "Do you think the Pope will ever allow Nuns to marry ?" The Nun answered, "Someday she might." - - - - - * A Bishop was approached one morning by a Priest. "Your Eminence," the Priest said, "there's a young lad here who claims to be seeing a vision of our Savior in the chapel. What should I do ?" The Bishop jumped up saying, "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna look real busy !" - - - - - * A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench. The Priest asks, "Rabbi, have you ever had ham ?" The Rabbi says, "Yes Father, I have to confess and be totally honest with you. I did indeed try ham. But tell me, have you ever had sex ?" The Priest said, "Well since you were honest with me, yes, I'm afraid in a moment of weakness, I did indeed have sex." The Rabbi says, "Beats the hell outta ham, don't it ?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 May 1997 15:04:20 +0400 From: Chemo Shaks Subject: The marine core... (offensive to Irishmen) This Englishman, Scottsman, and Irishman were trying to pass the test to qualify for the Brittish Marines. "For the last test" yelled the commander, "You take this gun and enter that room... your wife is in there. You are required to shoot her!" The Englishman enters with the gun, and comes out 5 minutes later. "I couldn't do it, commander. We've been marrried three years, and we love each other." "FAILED!" yells the commander. The Scottsman enters with the gun, and comes out 10 minutes later. "I couldn't do it, commander. We also love each other!" "FAILED!" yells the commander. The Irishman enters. They hear 3 shots and screaming for 10 minutes. Then he comes out. "How did you do?" asks the commander. "Well, sir, some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to strangle the bitch!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEEYA! Chemo ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 May 1997 09:17:20 -0400 From: George Hughes Subject: Newtronium Scientists have reported a remarkable discovery ... a dense gas that's highly volatile for a couple of years, then turns completely inert and evaporates. It's called Newt-ronium. Thanks to Frank and Ernest cartoons, 4-28-97, www.frankandernest.com ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 May 1997 17:34:34 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: Top 10 (innuendo), Children (clean), Confucious (innuendo) -= 4/28/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =- -= Top Ten Things overheard During Celebrity Jeopardy =- 10. "I'll take 'questions so easy even a celebrity has a chance' for $1000, Alex" 9. "Nobody's buzzing in -- Robert Downey Jr. just fell asleep on the button" 8. "Pamela Anderson sure knows her 18th Century European Statesman" 7. "I'm sorry, Mr. Brando, But your answer must be in the form of the English Language" 6. "That's incorrect -- but we'll give you the points anyway, O.J" 5. "For the last time, Mr. Sajak, you cannot buy a vowel" 4. "It doesn't seem fair to have an 'overweight drunks' category the same night Ted Kennedy is on" 3. "Ms. Parton, you give new meaning to the phrase 'Daily Double'" 2. "Somebody ought to tell Charlie Sheen to stop hitting on Ellen Degeneres" 1. "Oh my Gosh -- It's the ghost of Paul Lynde, and he's demanding to be the center square!" Do you like these? Then visit: http://www.webslingerz.net/ (posted with permission) -------------------- Child Dictionary (clean) DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: able to whine in words WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house (from Roshan's humor list) -------------------- Confucious say (we've seen similar here, but not these, I believe): Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl. Man who jizz in cash register come into money. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger. Learn to masturbate--come in handy. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 May 1997 17:37:07 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: PBS Schedule...If... Forwarded to me via a string of people: ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- A TYPICAL DAILY PBS SCHEDULE IF THE PUBLIC BROADCASTING LEADERS CAVE IN TO REPUBLICAN PRESSURE 8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while reciting passages of "Atlas Shrugged." 9:00 am Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings "Elitism is neat." The House Un-American Activities investigation of Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be his neighbor. 10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more judgemental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh. Bert and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all the Muppets white. 11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode "Ernest Does Trickle-Down." Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on defense will balance the budget. 12 Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole, explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else. 1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S. 2:00 pm William F. Buckley's Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan the need for more conservative media voices. 3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use machine guns to bag endangered species. 4:00 pm NOVA: "Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?" 5:00 pm Newt Gingrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan says he is being shut out from national exposure. ' 6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock Holmes team up to investigate Whitewater. 7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of Wagner's "Prelude to a Cultural War." 8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsen's "A Doll's House." Phyllis Schafly contributes to this classic with an added scene in which Nora gladly gives up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove. 9:30 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss liberal media bias. 10:00 pm Adam Smith's Money World: How to Profit from Ozone Depletion 10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the end of all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety, environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor. 11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle 11:01 pm Sign-Off ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 May 1997 19:54:01 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: Electronic Engineer's girlfriend Yesterday afternoon my girlfriend and I had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed an interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned. We arrived at my workbench, where I currently trying to figure why the board on which I am working is not performing the way it is designed. "Is this where you work?" she asked. "At the moment," I replied. I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge black studded collar she had produced from her purse. Before I could blink (it's amazing the speed at which she can do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench ( where there just happened to be a mounting hole). I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape. "I'll be back for you at five," she said. "HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!??!?!", I yelled in a hushed voice. "How am I going to explain this!?!?!" "You'll think of something", she said, "you always do". "But suppose I have to go to the bathroom", I countered. "Don't give me that", she hissed, "I've seen you go a whole day without visiting the bathroom" "But....," I tried to say. "SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye" She turned around and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think of who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to do if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a heavy sigh, and got to work, such as I could. As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be hard not to) and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would do if my supervisor saw it. I told them I hadn't the faintest idea. One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get such a collar), settled down to work in silence. After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem with the board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me, reading my thoughts, for not two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs. His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all it's splendor. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have seizures stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament. Finally, he spoke. "What. the. HELL! is. THAT!?!?!" he said. I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until I was saying it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me on the spot. I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat. "Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work. The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 00:33:00 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Lesson in Economics FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo - centric, war - mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non specified gender. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 May 1997 23:41:46 -0400 From: Barbara Anderson Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 2 May 1997 to 3 May 1997 Could someone tell me how to post to this list? When I had a computer glitch a few weeks ago, I lost all of my information regarding this. Thanks. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 May 1997 23:47:12 -0400 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 5/5/97 - Items in the "Republic of Texas" Constitution (fwd) ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Chiseled from Pure Italian Marble ================================================================ May 5, 1997 The Top 16 Items in the "Republic of Texas" Constitution 16> Tax code allows deduction for one hostage takeover/standoff per family, per year. 15> Every Thursday: 2-for-1 drinks at Hooters! 14> Nobuddy shuld be descrimnated aginst, less'n he's from New York (or is otherwise Jewish or Muslim or somethin'), or is just kinda dark or differnt in some way. 13> Barbecued ribs are legal tender for all debts. 12> Congress shall make no law restricting the size of hats or belt buckles. 11> Citizens to receive one vote per gun owned. 10> Constitutional amendment requires 2/3 majority of both houses of legislature. Either that, or Tom Landry's say-so. 9> The right to bare breasts, but only on cable, dammit -- not in real life. 8> Vegetarians count as 3/5 of a person. 7> Freedom of religion: you can worship the Cowboys *or* Willie Nelson. 6> Civil disputes that cannot be resolved in court shall be settled by a chili cook-off. 5> Freedom of Delusion. 4> No citizen will be charged extra for gravy on French fries. 3> Cold beer cans can be used as "testicular temperature regulators" when operating a motor vehicle. 2> State bird: Raised middle finger. and the Number 1 Item in the "Republic of Texas" Constitution... 1> You have the right to be on the cover of Trailer Park Trash Magazine. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 May 1997 to 5 May 1997 **********************************************