There are 13 messages totalling 639 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Blankets 2. Yuppie Capital of the World 3. Why aren't you married? 4. Life's verities (inoffensive) 5. Cameron Column #46 (clean) 6. Shortage 7. Manchester Olympic Bid 8. Chinese humor found on the Indian Discussion List 9. The Toddler and the Yardstick 10. URBAN LEGEND 11. Yo momma and some other stuff... 12. The Rules (possibly off. to women) 13. HUMOR List Traffic Report ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 11:06:10 +0400 From: Chemo Shaks Subject: Blankets This married guy took off all his clothes and laid down naked on the bed. His wife came in with the vacum cleaner, doing some spring cleaning, when suddenly the man said: "Suck my dick, woman." The wife politely answered him by telling him that she is cleaning the house and is too busy. The man yells out this time: "SUCK MY DICK! I AM THE MAN OF THE HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES!" So the woman silently and obediently started sucking...while the man roared out: "SUCK...SUCK...HARDER...SUCK HARDER!!!" When suddenly he yells: "BLOW...BLOW...BLOW...THE BLANKET'S UP MY ASS!!!" DEATH ROW VIA CHEMO SEEYA! Chemo ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 03:51:10 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Yuppie Capital of the World * Man's infinite capacity for inflicting suffering upon himself and his fellow humans needed an art form through which the emotions attendant to that fact could find ample expression. It was thus that Columbia (aka "Yuppiedom") the "Planned City" was created. - - - - - * If you call 911 in Columbia Maryland, you have to tell them who recommended you to them. - - - - - * A Columbia poodle had an adorable doghouse near the pool. A visitor asked how the owners kept it so clean. The Yuppette of the House said, "We have a Mexican Chihuahua come in every Tuesday and Saturday." - - - - - * Van Gogh painted 72 pictures. As of last week, Columbia had the largest collection of them in the world -- 423. - - - - - * My wife and I attended a meeting for a "kick off" to a very worthy charity campaign in Columbia. Some of the Yuppettes present seemed content to make a night of it. My wife leaned over to me and said, "If this doesn't break-up by 4:00, start talking about your lawn. And at 4:30 start in on your views of modern women." - - - - - * At a recent social event in Columbia, I overheard a conversation between a young lady visiting there from New York and one of the local Yuppettes. The guest said, "I don't know why people in Columbia are considered cold and stand-offish. The ones I've met have been very nice to me and more than willing to go halfway in making friends." "It is obvious," said the proper lil' Yuppette stiffly, "that you have not yet met the 'right' people." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 05:32:09 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: Why aren't you married? 25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?" ************************************************************************* 1. You haven't asked yet. 2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 3. What? And spoil my great sex life? 4. Nobody would believe me in white. 5. Because I just love hearing this question. 6. Just lucky, I guess. 7. It gives my mother something to live for. 8. My fiance is awaiting parole. 9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. 10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? 11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 12. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. 16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it. 22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 23. Why aren't you thin? 24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. 25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 07:09:42 -0400 From: Cyn MacGregor Subject: Life's verities (inoffensive) *The office machine you know how to fix yourself is never the one to break down *The eyeshadow shade that looks so super with your eye color, hair color, and skin color is the one they've discontinued *The perfume that smells best on you is the one you're most allergic to *The magazine will fold effective with the issue just before the one your article was to appear in Corollary: It's a pay-on-publication market Second corollary: The article has a timeliness value and it's now too late to sell it anywhere else *If the bus you just missed wasn't your bus, that doesn't mean the next one will be *When you're driving as fast as the law allows because you've got to go to the bathroom, that's when the drawbridge will be up *The spare has gone flat too *Divorce may be final but it's not terminal *If you're still married, your child will be in a minority in his/her class and will complain bitterly because s/he doesn't have *two* homes like most of his/her classmates ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 13:05:47 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: Cameron Column #46 (clean) From time to time the subject matter of this column inadvertently drifts into something resembling journalism, which I assure you is purely unintentional. Today will be one of those days, as I publish the last annual W. Bruce Cameron Stupid Product Award. First prize this year goes to the electronics company Casio for producing a "Water Sports Watch." My family, thinking it would be a good thing if they could figure out a way to more directly associate my body with "sports," bought me one of these fine Water Sports Watches for my birthday. Now, it does tell time. In fact, it tells more time than I want to know about: 24 hour time, the time in China, the time in dog years, the time since you last checked the time... so I have no quibble with calling it a "watch." However, the first time I fell into a pool this spring (my son believes it fun to dash at my legs and topple me into the water whenever I am near the edge of the pool. He calls this "soaking the grump." I call it "flirting with death.") the watch, which was on my wrist at the time of the toppling, stopped functioning. "That's funny," I said, meaning it was not. I held the watch to my ear as if you can hear a digital watch and verified that even in that position it still did not display the time. A quick call to Casio assured me there was nothing wrong with the watch. "You're not supposed to wear it in the pool," the polite woman explained to me. "But it is a water sports watch!" I protested. "Your point being?" "Well, it's just that I am hard put to name a water sport that doesn't somehow involve water," I told her. To which SHE said (now remember, this is the truth) "Oh, the water sports watch isn't for people who PLAY water sports. It's for people who enjoy WATCHING water sports." Well heck, I should have been able to figure THAT out, right? So if you're in your family room viewing a water polo match on TV, your water sports watch will function perfectly. Son: "Are you enjoying the water polo on TV, Dad?" Dad: "Yes, especially since I can glance from time to time at my Water Sports Watch." This makes me wonder if there aren't a whole host of products out there with similar pedigree. Are there motorcycle helmets for people who merely like to WATCH motorcycles? Dog food for pets who only want to LOOK AT their dinners? At any rate, I replaced the Water Sports Watch with an Official Diving Watch that allows me to go as deep as 150 meters and still be on Zulu time. Of course, I realize that next time I go 150 meters deep in the water I will be, well, dead, but at least I can now participate in an afternoon of "soak the grump" without fear of losing track of what those fun loving Zulus are up to. -------------------- If you'd like to receive a monthly dosage of Bruce Cameron's unique style of humor, just send a message to majordomo@cwe.com with the words "subscribe cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message. ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 14:43:16 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Shortage This was sent to me by a friend of mine who was born in New Jersey, but now lives in London: Three guys, a Texan, a Russian and a guy from New Jersey find themselves seated at the same table in a restaurant in London, at the time of the Mad Cow disease scare. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but there's a shortage of beef so you can't order steak." The Texan asks: "What is a shortage?" The Russian asks: "What is a steak?" The guy from New Jersey asks: "What is excuse me?" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 09:04:56 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Manchester Olympic Bid Olympic Games In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organisers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below. OPENING CEREMONY The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium. THE EVENTS In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Manchester' athletes. 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 100 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.) HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw , sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. the first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock CYCLING PURSUIT As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering , flashing, joy riding and arson. THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course. SWIMMING Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals MENS 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester. THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 10:26:34 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Chinese humor found on the Indian Discussion List >From the India Discussion Digest, Wed, 30 Apr 97 From: Borrowed from a friend of mine.... An American received a fax from the brother of his good friend Mr. X in China saying that Mr. X had a serious accident and is in the hospital. The American immediately flew to Beijing to be by his friend's side at his time of need. As he was standing next to his bed, the Mr. X said in a very excited voice CHU CHEE CHEN ...... CHU CHEE CHEN .... CHU CHEE CHEN and finally passed away. Very puzzled by his friend's final words he went to the Brother and asked, what does CHU CHEE CHEN mean. With tears in his eyes, the brother replied "He was saying Take your foot off the oxygen hose!" -Shiva Gangadharan ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 11:28:37 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: The Toddler and the Yardstick May 5, 1997 A friend of mine has two young sons. The younger of the two, Noah, is just learning about the complexities of language. Here's a wonder- ful example of how that works. (Note: for readers in countries which have progressed beyond the English system of measurement, a yardstick is a ruler that is one yard long {.9144 M}. It's supposed to be used for measuring things, but since it's fairly long and thin it has become the tool-of-choice for getting those little things out from behind or underneath furniture and appliances. Every kid-equipped home needs one.) From: "Rebecca Rinehart" The other day Noah and I were playing in the livingroom with a beanbag. He got bored and tossed the thing under the couch. I told him he had to get the yardstick to help retrieve the thing. When I asked him if he knew where the yardstick was, he said, "Yeh, Mom" and headed over to the closet. The next I saw him he had his coat on and he was heading out the door. When I asked him what he was doing, he said "Go outside and get yardstick, Mom". Moments later he came waltzing in with a huge stick, he scooped up the bean bag, and returned the stick to the yard. Don't have lunch on the road with this kid! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 09:56:16 -0500 From: Michael Cornelius Subject: URBAN LEGEND This is a VIRUS WARNING! A virus, called URBAN LEGEND, is DOWNLOADING itself through WEB pages, EMAIL, through USENET newsgroups, and possibly OTHER vectors! If you receive email with the subject "URBAN LEGEND," do not read it! If you see a WEB PAGE with the title "URBAN LEGEND," do not download it! URBAN LEGEND is a highly virulent, CROSS PLATFORM strain! URBAN LEGEND disguises itself as simple ASCII and/or HTML codes, and is UNDETECTABLE by conventional ANTIVIRUS software. Various versions of URBAN LEGEND have been found on DOS, WINDOWS, MACINTOSH, AND UNIX systems! Once downloaded, URBAN LEGEND takes up residence in MASS STORAGE, where it may make use of AVAILABLE computing resources, such as CPU and I/O devices to ensure its PROPAGATION. URBAN LEGEND has numerous, and wide ranging SIDE EFFECTS. If you DO DOWNLOAD a version of URBAN LEGEND, you may OBSERVE the following: The amount of FREE SPACE on your HARD DISK may change, and CPU USAGE may vary. If you use PERSONAL FINANCE software, you may notice the BALANCES CHANGE on various accounts. (Because of the insidious nature of URBAN LEGEND this CAN HAPPEN even if you DON'T keep your accounts on your PC!) Your SYSTEM may CRASH from time to time! If URBAN LEGEND is DOWNLOADED by a WEB-TV system, or something similar, you may also BE SUBSCRIBED to one or more PREMIUM CABLE CHANNELS, or even a SATELLITE TELEVISION SERVICE!! More often than not, there will ALSO be LONG DISTANCE CHARGES on your PHONE BILL! URBAN LEGEND is a DANGEROUS and DESTRUCTIVE VIRUS!! Watch for the TELLTALE "URBAN LEGEND" in the SUBJECT line of email, and the TITLE of WEB pages. CIRCULATE this VIRUS WARNING widely, so that others may PROTECT themselves from the URBAN LEGENDS virus!! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 23:32:56 +0400 From: Chemo Shaks Subject: Yo momma and some other stuff... Yo momma's went to the tailor's the other day... and she was measured at 36-24-32... They didn't even bother with the other thigh!! Yo momma's so stoopid, she tried to drown her goldfish!! You momma's so big, at grade school, she sat next to everybody! Why's there shit in front of all the shops in Ireland? On the door, it says 'push'. What's the height of unemployment? A whore with cobwebs between the legs. What's the height of innocence? A whore who thinks fucking's a town next to Peking in China. What's the height of agony? A one armed man hanging over a cliff with itchy balls. And finally... What's the diff. between position 69 and driving down a dark road on a foggy night? At least in 69, you can see the asshole in front of you!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanx for all the mail for the "the marine core". Glad you liked it!! :) SEEYA! Chemo ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 18:28:40 -0400 From: Phil Glowatz Subject: The Rules (possibly off. to women) 1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. 3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times. 14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said. 15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim. 17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm. 18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5. Phil http://www.pipeline.com/~glowatz ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 May 1997 00:07:31 -0400 From: Jim Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report Hi, everyone! This is Jim, with this week's traffic report. Every week, I send this report, complete with some witty or pithy remarks, to the contributors to the HUMOR list, and on the first full week of each month, I send the report to the entire list. Ahh, the month of May. When students go home from college, when the number of posts to the HUMOR list starts to drop off, and when my mom starts nagging me about why I haven't settled down with a nice girl yet. (Someday, ma, I promise!) I guess it's only right for me to address how, if you're going home, going to teach your native language in some strange and foreign land, or running around the world trying to find the love of your life, to keep HUMOR from piling up in your mailbox. You have two options: you can unsubscribe altogether by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR and resubscribe when you get back with the command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR followed by your real name. Or you can send the command SET HUMOR NOMAIL and when you come back, use the command SET HUMOR MAIL (or SET HUMOR DIGEST, if you prefer to get it in handy-dandy once-daily digest format...) If you will be losing your email, I suggest unsubscribing and resubscribing. (For those of you with the privilege of contributing, put a -P after the word HUMOR (without a space) in these commands. This will work for any except the subscribe command. If you signoff, you'll need to take the exam again when you come back...) All commands go in the body of an email. As always, I'm here for you. Feel free to email me at jimphynn@mindspring.com, visit my home page (wanna see my etchings?) at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn, or visit HUMOR's website at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html. I'll be back with you all next month... Traffic Report for HUMOR, 27 April - 3 May (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 27 Sunday 8 12 8 11 6 28 Monday 11 10 17 21 12 29 Tuesday 16 9 15 20 13 30 Wednesday 21 20 17 18 15 1 Thursday 16 19 17 12 12 2 Friday 15 16 11 13 11 3 Saturday 8 9 6 12 7 Averages 13.6 13.6 13.0 15.3 10.9 Subscriptions 10 721 10 784 10 820 10 824 10 478 Countries 98 99 99 100 100 Contributors 841 842 845 843 843 These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board, area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed and non-concealed subscribers. HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium, Belize, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe Total countries: 100 Email me if your country is not listed here. And now for my usual contribution of humor: Subject: The geographic center of the United States Excerpted from the book _Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest,_ (c) 1996 by John J Kohut and Roland Sweet Members of the Atlanta city council approved a resolution inviting Bucharest, Hungary, to become one of its sister cities. Unfortunately, Bucharest is the capital of Romania. [That is, unfortunate for those in Atlanta, not in Romania...] ----- Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 May 1997 to 6 May 1997 **********************************************