There are 6 messages totalling 306 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. All Kinds of Sex 2. Promotion Blues (might be offensive to colonels) 3. the Major (sexual), Baby Talk (language), MSFT (clean) 4. A dumb smoker 5. HUMOR List Traffic Report 6. Smuggling ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 05:20:02 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: All Kinds of Sex * It was so cold during this past winter in North Dakota, that the exhibitionists were just describing themselves. - - - - - * As their illicit lovemaking neared its climax, the sweet young thang strained upwards toward her brother-in-law. "Kiss me Max," she urged hoarsely, "Oh, kiss me." "Kiss you ?" panted Max, "Why I probably shouldn't even be doing this." - - - - - * "I just can't understand it doctor," the girl complained, "every time I see a handsome muscular man on the beach, I get this funny feeling between my toes." "Now that is odd." agreed the doctor. "Which ones ?" "The big ones." she sighed. - - - - - * The popular cheerleader bounced into the local card shop. "Do you have any, like, real special Valentine's Cards ?" she asked. "Why, yes." replied the clerk. "As a matter of fact, here's a new one inscribed 'To the Boy who got my Cherry'." "Wow. Neat!" she purred, "I'll take the whole box." - - - - - * "My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her co-worker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?" "No !" replied Claudia. "My vibrator shorted out this morning." - - - - - * The doctor was advising the couple on birth control. "And these days birth control pills can even be taken monthly instead of daily." "Humph !" snorted the husband. "With 'her' even a monthly pill would be over-medication." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 08:37:58 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: Promotion Blues (might be offensive to colonels) PROMOTED A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, "Sarge". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price. A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ole "Sarge?" he asked. "Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 08:42:57 -0400 From: Brian Myers Subject: the Major (sexual), Baby Talk (language), MSFT (clean) Army Sergeant Major An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, " My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!". The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him. Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says," My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE. His penis immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says. 'I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. (a raging hard-on once again) and the follows this display of prowess with the command of DICK, AT EASE. (His penis goes limp once again.) The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. (His penis becomes immediately erect. And then gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE. The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE. Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE. No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells god dammit and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks '"What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!" -------------------- Baby Talk A little boy was going off to his first day of school. So, his mother told him that he couldn't talk like a baby anymore -- instead of "bow wow" say "dog", instead of "meow" say "cat", instead of "moo moo" say "cow" -- She asked him if he could do that? Yes, he replied, he could. So he goes off to school. When he gets home, the mother asks him how was school the first day. The little boy said it was great - "We played games, drew pictures and the teacher read us a story!" "Oh, what story did the teacher read to you??" "Winnie The Shit." -------------------- Microsoft vs. GM (true? who knows - but funny anyway) Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success, so he decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?" ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 14:18:34 EDT From: Brad DAVIS Subject: A dumb smoker Coversation between two friends about a rumor about a smoker. Man 1: Did you hear about the smoker who splashed gas on himself while filling up his car? Man 2: No, what happend to him? Man 1: When he lit his ciggarette it cought his arm on fire, and when he saw a police officer he started to wave his arm outside, so the Police officer pulled him over, and gave him a ticket. Man 2: Why did he do that? Man 1: Because the Police officer said he was waving a 'firearm.' GO JAZZ!!! ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 15:29:24 -0400 From: Jim Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report This is Jim, and I sure have been quiet lately. It is my responsibility to keep track of the traffic coursing daily through the Internet converging on the HUMOR list. Once a week, I let all of the contributors know what's going on (and I exploit my position to help keep the contributors as in-line as possible.) Once a month -- I have chosen the first Sunday of each month -- I send the numbers to the entire list. (So I can keep *everybody* in line.) And June of 1997 (if you follow this calendar) has begun. Three weeks ago I announced that I would be moving, and therefore found myself off the Internet until early this week. I would like to take this time to publicly thank Jay Harman, fellow listowner and HUMOR's error handler,for picking up the slack while I changed my physical, geographic locale. I am now fully recovered from the move, and partially recovered from the housewarming bash I threw last night. (There will be more in the future, and you're all hereby formally invited. We can always set up another cot for you.) I was lucky. I moved, and didn't need to change my email address (jimphynn@mindspring.com), my personal home page address (http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn) or HUMOR's website (http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html). I realize, as we in the Northern Hemisphere approach Summer, and as we in the Southern Hemisphere approach Winter, that many people will be losing email and internet access, either because they'll be moving somewhere else, as I did, or because school is letting out, or because they plan on taking that two-to-three month (well-deserved, of course) vacation from work. So if any of these scenarios applies to you, how about thanking Jay on my behalf (and on behalf of the entire list), by taking the time to sign off of the list before you leave? Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR. When you come back, you can easily resubscribe by sending that same address the command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR followed by your full name. (This procedure also works if you're changing email addresses.) We'll leave the light on for you. If you have any questions, feel free to email me. I should be back into the swing of things more thoroughly as the week progresses. And I'll be back next month with the July report. Traffic Report for HUMOR, 25 May - 31 May (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 25 Sunday 6 9 9 8 10 26 Monday 12 13 11 13 12 27 Tuesday 13 12 11 8 10 28 Wednesday 15 12 9 13 14 29 Thursday 12 8 15 17 18 30 Friday 11 18 17 12 15 31 Saturday 7 7 5 15 5 Average 10.9 11.3 11.0 12.3 12.0 Subscriptions 10 478 10 342 10 301 10 290 10 222 Countries 100 100 101 101 100 Contributors 843 846 858 851 792 These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board, area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed and non-concealed subscribers. HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium, Belize, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe Total countries: 100 Email me if your country is not listed here. ----- And now for my usual contribution of humor: Subject: The *real* way to plan zero population growth Excerpted from the book _Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest,_ (c) 1996 by John J Kohut and Roland Sweet In China, 404 people died and 1028 were injured in traffic accidents during the first year's operation of a 164-mile expressway linking Beijing and Shijiazhuang. Authorities blamed the high fatality rate on a middle lane that allows cars on both sides of the road to pass, making head-on collisions almost inevitable if two drivers going in opposite directions decide to pass at the same time. ----- Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Jun 1997 10:05:08 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Smuggling While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?" "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.A few days later, the gaurd happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the gaurd. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!" Chalapathi ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jun 1997 to 2 Jun 1997 **********************************************