There are 8 messages totalling 440 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. apt descriptions 2. A Lesson in Etymology (clean) 3. Fashion and Style 4. Friar's flowers 5. A Couple of OBGs about Hell 6. HUMOR:offensive to women...mildly] 7. Kid's tall tale about adult relative 8. Hurricane Survival Quiz ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 4 Jun 1997 05:24:47 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: apt descriptions Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. A room temperature IQ. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December. One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. Fell out of the family tree. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. He's so dense, light bends around him. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm. One neuron short of a synapse. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes". Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Jun 1997 07:36:34 -0400 From: Brian Myers Subject: A Lesson in Etymology (clean) I don't know if this is true or not, but it purports to be, and is funny nonetheless. If true, it's also educational Enjoy. ---------- Historical and Etymological Origins of an Infamous Anglo-Saxon Gesture The 'Car Talk' show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers, has a feature called the 'Puzzler', and their most recent 'Puzzler' was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly favoured to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance. The puzzler was: What was this body part? This is the answer submitted by a listener: Dear Click and Clack, Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew". Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!" Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird". ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Jun 1997 08:09:04 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Fashion and Style * Those of you old enuff to remember already know that people my age have suffered thru the long-haired male, close-cropped female hair craze back in the 60's. I remember one nite at an awards banquet for Little League Baseball, I was standing near the bar engaging in idle chit-chat with another parent. Having worn a flattop since my Navy days, naturally I had a disdain for long haired boys. I said, "And look at that thing over there. How in the world can anyone tell if it's a boy or a girl ?" The other parent said, "Well, since that 'thing' is my son, I can assure you that 'it' is indeed a boy." Naturally, I was embarrassed as hell, and quickly replied "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were the boy's Father." "Actually, I'm his Mother." she said as she walked away. - - - - - * Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows who had been rivals all their lives followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop. As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport. The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly, "Oh SkyCap, from what pier is the flight to Dallas leaving." The Admiral approached, bowed, and said "Pier 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition ?" - - - - - * And women of course are the absolute masters of fashion put-downs. At a cocktail party one woman said to another, "What a beautiful suit that is. I like it better every time I see it on you." The other, fingering the material of her rival's sleeve said "And such lovely cloth, you really should have it made into something." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Jun 1997 08:15:42 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Friar's flowers Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the COMPETITION was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so...... thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Jun 1997 09:28:41 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: A Couple of OBGs about Hell Forwarded to me by my brother, who probably knows for sure... Cyrus, the New England shitkickin' farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that Cyrus is not suffering like the rest. The Devil checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to Cyrus and asks why he's so happy. Cyrus says "I like it here. The temperature is just like plowing my fields in June, ayuh." The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer as well as attitude, and decides to get him. So he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for Cyrus. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes Cyrus again as to why he's so happy. The shitkicker says: "This is even better. It's like pulling weeds and stumps in the fields during July, ayuh." The Devil, now upset, decides to really make this New Englander suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now lets see what this farmer is up to," he says. He finds Cyrus sitting on the floor even happier then before.The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the farmer why he's happy now. Cyrus replies, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my family and friends in August." The Devil says "That's it, I'll get this shithead." He goes over and turns the temperature way down to a freezing 0 degrees and 0 humidity. "Let's see what this jerk has to say about this now!" The Devil looks around and finds Cyrus jumping up and down for joy and yelling: "THE RED SOX HAVE FINALLY WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!!" ***************** This guy dies and ends up in Hell. All his life he'd been told that the damned spend eternity shovelling coal to fuel the fires of Hell. As he takes in his new surroundings he sees the huge coal piles and the mighty furnaces, but the inhabitants are all lounging around in their Hellish t-shirts doing nothing. He's quite confused by this. He asks the nearest Hellian what's going on. "Don't you have to stoke the fires?" "Well, yeah, but there are so many of us down here we each just throw a shovel- full on, and then we get to relax for quite a while." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Jun 1997 11:44:40 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: HUMOR:offensive to women...mildly] Politically correct usage when talking to/about females: She does not: GET PMS She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL She does not have: A KILLER BODY She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE She is not: A BAD COOK She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE She is not: A BAD DRIVER She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED She is not a: PERFECT 10 She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR She is not: EASY She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED She does not have: SEXY LIPS She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT She does not get: DRUNK She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED You do not ask her: TO DANCE You request a:PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE She is not: A GOSSIP She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER She does not have: A GREAT BUTT She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED She is not: COLD OR FRIGID She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE She does not:WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK) Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED She will never: GAIN WEIGHT She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS She experiences:TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION She does not have: A HARD BODY She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE She does not: SUN BATHE She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT Her breast will never: SAG They will:LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD She does not:SHOP TOO MUCH She is:OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS She does not: CUT YOU OFF She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE She does not have: BIG HAIR She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED She does not: SNORE She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE She does not: GET DRUNK She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC She does not have: BIG HOOTERS Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER She is not: TOO SKINNY She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Jun 1997 15:06:26 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Kid's tall tale about adult relative One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story. The following day, when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, oneSunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. " The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My Uncle Ted fought in Vietnam; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there could possibly be any moral, to his story. Billy replies, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Jun 1997 22:16:33 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: Hurricane Survival Quiz With the beginning of the 1997 Hurricane season, and having survived Hurricane Andrew, I felt qualified to prepare: J O K E M A S T E R ' S H U R R I C A N E S U R V I V A L Q U I Z 1. How are hurricane's names selected? a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people c. Page 824 in Miami's phone book d. Hurricanes don't care what you call them 2. What do they call the most severe hurricane? a. Category 5 b. Red Alert c. Costly d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII 3. If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling West at 16 MPH and hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH leaves Key West at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would they meet? a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris b. Never, Isabel doesn't want to have anything to do with a blowhard like Guido c. Never, Guido said that there's no place for Isabel to stop and ask directions; she'll probably end up in Rio d. Trick question - hurricanes don't depart from Key West 4. You're flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and see a hurricane directly ahead. What's the first thing you think? a. It's got the right of way! It's got the right of way! b. This is the last time I fly no-frills. c. I can't believe she's going to get EVERYTHING now! d. I gotta change my shorts! 5. A hurricane is dangerous if... a. you get in its way b. it's had a REALLY bad day c. you try to stop it to ask directions d. you do not yield right of way 6. How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming? a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address b. They have REALLY good binoculars c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings 7. How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane? a. Sell it - QUICK b. Bury it and dig it up later c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it's a big bush d. Two words -- Duct tape 8. What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed to be heading in your direction? a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party b. Air drop a roadmap into the eye, of another area c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building 9. What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming? a. Begin those remodeling plans you've been putting off b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash) c. Cancel your homeowner's insurance d. Go on a picnic, to the beach 10. When is it a good time to evacuate your home? a. When the water level reaches the roof b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls 11. Where should you evacuate? a. A nearby lowland to wait out the floods b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or Florida's mountains c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies d. Out to sea on a small craft 12. Why should you not stay close to the beach a. All the best spots are probably taken b. Track in too much sand c. Cooler keeps blownin' away d. Hard to stay put under the 50' waves 13. If the eye of the hurricane passes overhead, you should not... a. stare; it's impolite b. make direct eye contact c. offer it some Visine d. ask if it's seen Dorthy and Toto 14. What happens after the eye passes? a. Stay very still; maybe it didn't see you b. It can't see you any more c. You can expect the nose, followed by the mouth, etc. d. It winks and waves good-bye 15. What should you do first after a hurricane passes? a. Locate your computer b. Determine if your computer is operational c. Contact your insurance agent about replacing your computer d. See if your spouse, kids and pets are around; get back to your computer 16. Who should you turn to if you need help after a hurricane? a. Local government (also blown away) b. State government (can't afford to help) c. Federal government (doesn't care) d. Foreign governments (the Japanese are looking for investments) 17. What services should you expect to be without, after a hurricane? a. Electricity (no cold beer) b. Telephone (no modem) c. Your computer!! (Eeeeeaaaaahhh!) d. Call girls/guys (prey the rebuilding begins soon) 18. What happens a year after you're hit by a hurricane? a. Still looking for pieces of your house b. Still looking for pieces of your computer c. Still looking for pieces of yourself d. The government sees you've started rebuilding; concludes you need no emergency help 10 points if you don't live on the East coast; -2 if you're unsure; 2 if you can spell hurricane copyright gary guibor,1993-97 JokeMaster@JokeMaster.com (abbreviated due to HUMOR rules; Jack Kolb (kolb@ucla.edu). ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jun 1997 to 5 Jun 1997 **********************************************