There are 13 messages totalling 820 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Women Shoppers 2. Doctors 3. Girlfriend Catalog (innuendo), the Constable (clean) 4. Humor: Construction Definitions 5. Old Time Slang 6. Flatulence Categorized (bodily functions warning) 7. And you thought YOU were having a bad day! 8. Low premium insurance scheme for elephants (real news) 9. The Diary of a Digital Boatowner 10. Humor - It's A Wacky World 11. It's all about choices... 12. followup and online humor 13. A gold miners problems ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 04:29:13 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Women Shoppers * I guess the butcher had finally had enuff from this one Yuppette who had been more than a little fussy over the purchase on a single steak. I heard him say wearily, "Anything else you'd like to know Miss, perhaps the cow's name ?" - - - - - * I guess I never realized what a commercial oriented age we live in until I heard this one lady shopper tell a grocery clerk, "I'm sorry. I just cannot remember the product name right now; perhaps if I hum a few bars of the commercial..." - - - - - * Matron to greeting-card-clerk: "Do you have a get-well card that hints she's not as sick as she wants everyone to think she is ?" - - - - - * Even time has no meaning at all to a lot of women shoppers. My wife left one morning on one of her shopping expeditions announcing, "I'm going to do some shopping. I'll be back in about $ 350.00 or so." - - - - - * It's not hard to tell when a salesperson has been pushed to just about the limits of their patience by a shopper. I heard one salesgirl tell this Yuppette, "On the other hand, Madame doesn't really do anything for the dress either." - - - - - * Sometimes, it's fun to try to guess the vocation of the various women shoppers. I noticed this obviously angry lady approach a clerk in an appliance store. She said, "It's concerning this electric iron..." (At that point, I had no guess) "You wish to complain ?" asked a clerk. "Complain ?!?!?" she retorted. "Young man, that I could have easily accomplished by telephone. I have come here to revile someone !!!" (Ahhhhhh, an English teacher) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 11:50:53 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Doctors What the Doctor says What the Doctor REALLY means "This should be taken care of right away." "I'd planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself." "We'll see." "First I have to check my malpractice insurance." "Let me check your medical history." "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you." "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time." "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor." "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 05:56:28 -0400 From: Brian Myers Subject: Girlfriend Catalog (innuendo), the Constable (clean) We've seen the "Boyfriend Catalog", but I haven't seen this one here... OLD YELLER - "You spineless, good-for-nothing, drag-ass, no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable?!" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans THE BOSSER - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-It-All, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? WILD WOMAN OUT OF CONTROL - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs HUFFY - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at." Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold Fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you Disadvantages: You will have no friends WOMAN FROM MARS - "I believe this interpretative dance will explain how I feel about our relationship." Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud MS. DREAMGIRL - "I am utterly content with my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now." Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you -------------------- The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life. ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 08:55:23 -0400 From: Doug Bunch Subject: Humor: Construction Definitions Construction Definitions AUDITOR - People who go in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded. BID - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. BID OPENING - A poker game in which the losing hand wins. COMPLETION DATE - The point at which liquidated damages begin. CONTRACTOR - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal. CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control. DELAYED PAYMENT - A tourniquet applied at the pockets. ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE - The cost of construction in heaven. LAWYER - People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies. LIQUIDATED DAMAGES - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible. LOW BIDDER - A manufacturer's rep, who is wondering what he left out. PROJECT MANAGER - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union. STRIKE - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken. Doug Bunch "I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 06:34:09 -0700 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: Old Time Slang "Ah, come on, honey, don't be stubborn, this'll make your shimmy shake." So I just got tired of the argument, and I said, "I don't need to drink, to shake my shimmy. I can strut my stuff on tea." Katherine Anne Porter Pale Horse, Pale Rider, 1939 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 10:23:01 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Flatulence Categorized (bodily functions warning) Subject: Flatulence Categorized (Part I --of II) From: Hinjiwar All farts are divided into two groups: 1. Your Farts 2. Somebody Else's Farts THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart. THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat? THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart. THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans. THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions. THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further. THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people. THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo. THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone. THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart. THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is. THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart. THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons. THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And never guess. THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare. THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable. THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention. THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best. THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart. THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds. THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common. THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances. THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts. THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one. THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common. THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common. THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off. THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all. THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossway, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort. THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day. THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know. THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out of there. THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 12:39:56 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: And you thought YOU were having a bad day! The following was taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle. (Note: This is at least a third generation re-post, so I don't have any clue as to the original source. I just hope it hasn't been posted very recently to HUMOR.) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 13:39:08 -0400 From: Joydeep Mitra Subject: Low premium insurance scheme for elephants (real news) India News Network Digest Thu, 5 June 97 Volume 2 : Issue DC #12. Low premium insurance scheme for elephants A comprehensive low premium insurance scheme for domestic elephants was introduced in Kerala by the Oriental Insurance Company and the All Kerala Elephant Owners' Association. The scheme covers death of the animal, loss to third party's life and property by the animal and injury and death of the mahout. Besides, there is a provision for payment of an additional sum of Rs 25,000 towards cremation expenses in the event of death of the insured elephant. It is claimed that the premium of 2.14 per cent under the scheme is the lowest. There are at least 1,000 domestic elephants owned by 314 persons in addition to scores of others owned by boards in Kerala. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 10:44:44 -0700 From: "Michael J. Irvin" Subject: The Diary of a Digital Boatowner NOTE: prior approval was obtained from the Larry Randall, co-listowner, to slightly exceed the 100 line limit. Phil Herring's Nightmare. OR The Diary of a Digital Boatowner: Day 1: Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hunter 450 at last. Finally, I live on the smartest Boat in the Marina. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the shore-power lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired. Day 2: Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached. Day 3: Had to call the Smartboat people today about bandwidth problems. The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on the phone. They insist it's a problem with the cable company's compression algorithms. How do they expect me to order things from the Home Shopping Channel? Day 4: Got my first Smartboat invoice today and was unpleasantly surprised. I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the washing machine interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading one hell of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups, because packet charges were through the roof on the invoice. Day 5: Yesterday, the galley CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything. Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Call the cable company (but not from the galley phone). They refer me to the utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my boat processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my galley back. More phone calls; more remote diag's. Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire galley. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the galley logic sequence was confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the galley took over an hour. Day 6: The marina security people are not happy. The boat keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever I play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the lexan hatches. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the marina security computer concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure. Another glitch: Whenever the bilge is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the settee and change the channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade -- Smartboat 2.1. But it's not ready yet. Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the GPS is secretly tuning into the cable system to see Bay Watch. The unit is completely inoperable during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the blender is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes. Day 7: I just bought the new Microsoft Boatmanager. Took 93 gigabytes of storage, but it will be worth it, I think. The boat should be much easier to use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second mortgage over to Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my boat now--it's really the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft. Day 8: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft Boatmanager. I keep getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to operate the Radar. Day 9: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the boat. My personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the main salon is a sauna, the V-berth ports are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the bilge, the mainsail roller-furling is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel. Through-out the boat, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing. I look at a message slowly throbbing on my personal computer screen: WELCOME TO BoatWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so humble, there's no virus like the BoatWrecker...). Day 10: They think they've digitally disinfected the boat, but the place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of the virus that attacks marine-heads. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over. "BoatWrecker is pretty bad" one of them tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get Blackbeard. That one is really evil." Day 11: Apparently, my boat isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and Hurricanes, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agreement with the Smartboat people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my boat networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line service. Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that might be created. I call my lawyer. He laughs. He's excited! Day 12: I get a call from a SmartBoat sales rep. As a special offer, I get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new Smartboat 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers Personally. "Sure," I tell him. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 14:25:16 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Your Tax Dollars at Work -or- How Congress Spends It's Valuable Time +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ WASHINGTON (AP) (c) -- It was a rare moment in the nation's capital. Bipartisan bickering gave way to zesty sauces and gooey cheeses all atop a golden brown crust. Lawmakers celebrated pizza. One hundred years ago, pizza arrived from Naples, Italy. In honor of what has possibly become America's favorite dinner, lunch, snack and, yes, breakfast, Congress on Wednesday declared June 4 National Pizza Day. "All of us realize that regardless of what our ethnic background is, just about all of us eat pizza, and we've become pizza-lovers," the proclamation's sponsor, Rep. Floyd Flake, a New York Democrat, said before a crowd assembled on the Capitol steps. It's "a universal kind of delicacy." Credit for pizza is first owed to a Roman statesman and author, Cato, who wrote in 200 B.C. of flat rounds of baked dough topped with olive oil and herbs. Centuries later, Neapolitans added crushed tomatoes. Pizza hit the United States when Italians began immigrating here in the 1890s. From there, Americans have taken the basic sauce-and-cheese format and topped it with sausage, pepperoni, green peppers, onions, anchovies, pineapple and just about anything else they can think of. In honor of the culinary treat, Flake and New York City restaurateur and singer Tony Modica led a crowd in singing "Happy Birthday" to a Pizza Hut pie loaded with toppings and decorated with a "100" birthday candle. Afterwards, Modica, along with an entourage of fellow pizza aficionados, performed his "Pizza Dance," a Macarena-inspired line dance that simulates the pizza-maker pounding the dough, tossing it into the air and then shoving it into the oven. "I know that the pizza-maker, he has an art in his hand, but most of them don't realize that," Modica said. "And it's so beautiful, to be making pizzas, especially if you love to do it ... you have a lot of emotions as you're making pizzas." And of course the celebration ended on an appropriate note with plenty of pizza-eating. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 18:31:11 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: It's all about choices... "It's your attitude, not your aptitude, that determines your altitude." - Jesse Jackson ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: He left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live. "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply... I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. You have 2 choices now: 1. Save or delete this mail from your mail box. 2. Forward it to your dear ones and choose to pass this on. I hope you will choose choice 2. :-) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 16:40:52 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: followup and online humor If I can ask the list's brief indulgence for a non-humor explanation: my recent forwarding of Jokemaster's Hurricane Quiz WAS complete; I should have said that it was condensed--NOT abbreviated--due to HUMOR list rules. My apologies, especially to those who wrote me asking for the rest of the piece. Here's are a couple of additional recent posts from Jokemaster : TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY RIDICULOUS HOST NAMES And, yes, they all really exist... 10. dam.mit.edu 9. monarch.butterfly.net 8. gratuitouslylonghostname.apana.org.au 7. drag.net 6. my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu 5. tragically.hip.berkeley.edu 4. dislocated.hip.berkeley.edu 3. ohsaycan.ucc.american.edu 2. huh_huh.fire.com 1. vo.mit.edu Thanks Tracy Shaw --- NEWSGROUPS THAT FLOPPED alt.sex.lesbian.steel_workers alt.aviation.kamikazi.pilots alt.sex.gay.policemen alt.sex.straight_actors_guild alt.aviation.hang_gliders.quadraplegic comp.os.win95.happy_users alt.military.deutchland.ss.former.hit-squad.members alt.religion.jewish.oversexed.girls alt.justice.free.charles.manson alt.medical.proctologist.talk Thanks JLASSWELL@aol.com (write to subscribe) Jack Kolb Dept. of English, UCLA kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 22:20:03 EDT From: Arthur A Plante Subject: A gold miners problems During the California gold rush, there were many stories. This is one of them A miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold..The first thing he does is head to the local saloon. As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says 'Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles' The bartender hollers out 'Sorry mac there aren't any women in town. All we got is a Chinaman' The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, ' Never mind I don't go for that shit' The next day the miner is off to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one. Again he heads for the saloon and states 'Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink & eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room & take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles' The bartender again bellows out 'Sorry mate we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bring them in had problems. All we got is that Chinaman' This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds & says 'Never mind I don't go for that shit' The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time he's gone for another month & when he returns he has 2 sacks of gold both larger than the previous one. First stop has him back at the saloon He enters throws one of the bags on the bar & says 'Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone,keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and two of the prettiest women in town' Again the bartender says ' Sorry mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the Chinaman' This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs and finally says 'OK send the Chinaman up' The bartender replies' That will be $600.00 in advance' The miner turns around in disbelief and says ' WHAT $600.00 for a Chinaman?' The bartender replies' No Sir The $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that shit either. Arthur at the base of Cape Cod ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Jun 1997 to 6 Jun 1997 **********************************************