There are 10 messages totalling 432 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. College Daze 2. Dear Abby (clean, part 1/2) 3. Doctors, Part 2 4. What was Jesus? 5. Melrose Place 6. Language Precision... 7. Civil War ( may be offensive to yankees!) 8. Embarrassment 9. you're not in college anymore 10. Poem, ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 02:27:10 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: College Daze * Lots of things go on during "Spring Break" as the college students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing before a Judge. "I plead not guilty your honor, I only went there to get relieved." he testified. "Well, I'm inclined to accept your explanation." said the Judge. "I guess some allowances must be made for 'emergencies'." "That's true to a point, your Honor." said the arresting officer. "But what about this young lady here who relieved him ?" - - - - - * The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be only half paying attention to his replies. "Are you feeling OK ?" he asked. "Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet." she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition ?" "Why yes, there is." he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. "It's called 'Good News'." - - - - - * "I just can't find the cause for your illness," said the internist at the college clinic. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "That's OK Doc. I understand." replied the student. "I'll come back when you're sober." - - - - - * The dazzling coed sat perched on her stool, at the local hangout, as the young man sat beside her. Following the usual 'small talk', he made his move. "Tell me, would you sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars ?" "Well, yes, I guess I would." she replied. "Would you sleep with me for ten dollars ?" he went on. "Ten Dollars ??? What kind of girl do you think I am ?" she huffed. "We've already established that." he shot back. "All we're doing now is haggling over the price." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 05:11:35 -0400 From: Brian Myers Subject: Dear Abby (clean, part 1/2) and graciously point out that the 'Girlfriend Catalog' material in my post of yesterday belongs to Matt Groening (creator of the Simpson's), and comes from his publication 'Love is Hell'. Apologies for any confusion as to rightful origin. Now for today's stuff! ---------- DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? -- CURIOUS I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor? Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it. My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause. I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer. Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor. This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said "I Will" he knew very well he couldn't. DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get? -- GERTIE DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting? DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day. -- FORTY YEARS HITCHED DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining! -------------------- Thanx to Tuesday Kirsten via GEOFF'S JOKE LIST. ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 12:04:01 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Doctors, Part 2 What the Doctor says What the Doctor REALLY means "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." "I haven't the faintest idea of what to do, but I'm trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt." "We have some good news and some bad news." "The good news is that I'm going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is that you're going to pay for it." "Let me schedule you for some tests." "I have a 40% interest in the lab." "I'd like to have my associate look at you." "He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune." "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig." "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself." "That's quite a nasty looking wound." "I think I'm going to throw up." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 07:14:31 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: What was Jesus? THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business 2. He lived at home until the age of 33 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job 3. His last request was a drink. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was always in trouble with the law 3. His mother did not know who his father was THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He worked in the building trades THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody brother 2. He had no permanent address 3. Nobody would hire him THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He invented a new religion ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 09:41:38 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: Melrose Place This list was sent to me with no other info. Enjoy. Lessons I learned from Melrose Place 1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever. 2. Never sleep with your boss or co-worker. Just kidding. You should do both, often. 3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka. 4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard. 5. Pretend you're pregnant. 6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun! 7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death. 8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness. 9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship. 10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out. 11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers. 12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you. 13. If you get fired, get drunk. 14. Call your ex-wife "Baby." 15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool. 16. Randomly insult the people around you. 17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgemental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated. 18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary. 19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you better. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times. 20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't car-pool to work with him. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 09:49:16 EDT From: Lee Wolfle Subject: Language Precision... An English professor recently visited a local restaurant in Blacksburg, Virginia, and with his precise use of the language ordered, "Strawberries and cream," from the local waitress. The waitress soon brought a dish of strawberries covered with cream. "I ordered strawberries AND cream," the professor protested. "But they are," the waitress protested. "This is strawberries WITH cream," the professor corrected. "But I don't see . . ." she said bewildered. "Miss," the professor replied, "would you say a woman and child were the same as a woman with child?" Lee Wolfle wolfle@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu ` ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 10:12:34 EDT From: Chris Dooley Subject: Civil War ( may be offensive to yankees!) Well the civil war has finally ended and a confederate soldier gets on a train to go home. While on the train he spots this beautiful little southern belle and decides to go talk to her. Just then he sees a yankee carpetbagger come get on the train and sit right next to her. Well, the carpetbagger starts asking the girl for sexual favors. The southern belle pays the carpetbagger no attention. Finally the carpetbegger offers the woman $2.00 to give hime sexual favors. The confederate soldier is sitting back watching all this and finally he can take more so her gets up and shoots the carpetbagger right between the eyes. The confederate soldier then looks at the southern belle and says, "they freed the negroes, they won the war, but I'll be damned if they are going to start raising prices!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 08:21:54 -0700 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: Embarrassment Ade's Reminder: A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush, but remember that a bird in the hand is a positive embarrassment to one not in the poultry business. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 16:37:48 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: you're not in college anymore The First Realizations That You're Not In College Anymore -------------------------------------------------------------------------- You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded. College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up. Your parents charge rent. Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal. It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m. Three words: School Loan Payments. You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche. You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively. Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end. THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey; NOW: IRA's, Interest rates and their kid's orthodontia. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m. Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks. The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol. The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship. You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News. Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable. You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams. You empathize with the characters from 'Friends". METABOLISM SLOWDOWN Football "season tickets" go FROM $75 for the season with dozens of friends TO $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family. Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food. When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to'. You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 7 Jun 1997 00:04:22 -0400 From: David Burns Subject: Poem, The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, "Asshole." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Jun 1997 to 7 Jun 1997 **********************************************