There are 10 messages totalling 364 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Senior Citizens 2. Joke Sort of rated 3. Manufacturing Information Access Software System 4. The Latin American Tour Guide 5. Humor - It's A Wacky World! 6. Mystery Solved (clean - play on words) 7. TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY RIDICULOUS HOST NAMES 8. Great outdoors? 9. Doctor Jokes -Part One 10. Parrot's of the Caribbean? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 2 Jul 1997 03:51:51 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Senior Citizens * Approaching the counter at a local post office, I said to the stern faced woman on the other said, "Are you the Postmistress ?" "No !" she replied testily. "I'm the Postmaster. Uncle Sam don't pay me enough to be anyone's mistress." - - - - - * An exchange student from Africa, dressed in colorful native robes, entered a bank in the western part of our county. He stepped up to the teller's window and told the elderly man he would like to cash a check. The teller eyed the student critically, then remarked, "You're from outta town, ain't cha ?" - - - - - * While vacationing on Cape Cod, my wife and I stopped as a small way-side stand and bought some tomatoes. When I commented how small they were, the proprietor's reply was "Ay-up". Returning a day or two later, my wife told the man the tomatoes he had sold us were tough and not very flavorful. The old gentleman nodded, looked at her and I a moment, then said, "Lucky they was small, ain't it ?" - - - - - * Some traditions die slow. In our county, families actually "buy" a pew in Church, and pity the poor stranger who would sit there. The minister was pleading with the members to be more tolerant of others, after all he said, "This is the Lord's house and not yours." One farm wife, said "OK, you can put one in my pew next week, but make sure she's thin and not wearing a lot of perfume." - - - - - * The doctor in a small North Carolina clinic asked the weather-beaten mountaineer how he was feeling. "Well... it's like this." drawled the man. "I'm still a-kickin', but I ain't raisin' no dust." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jul 1997 06:26:49 -0700 From: Mark Panitz Subject: Joke Sort of rated Did you hear about the truck carrying manure it overturned on the freeway the other day, I bet that raised a stink with CHP! -- As Per US Code, Title 47, Chapter 5,Subchapter II 227 Unsolicited commercial advertising is NOT Welcome here Mark Panitz ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jul 1997 09:49:17 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS) This memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS). Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS" This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS". ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jul 1997 10:03:51 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: The Latin American Tour Guide This Latin American tour guide was addressing a small group of senior citizens and telling them about the country they were visiting. When he asked if they had any questions, one person inquired, "What is the number one sport in this country?" He replied, "Bullfighting". The same person asked, "Isn't that revolting?" "No", replied the tour guide, "That's number two!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jul 1997 11:46:31 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World! Lobster Ice Cream Anyone? (c) Associated Press, 07/02/97 Maine lobster lovers don't have to worry about leaving room for dessert. The combination may sound odd, but Jeff Young says his creamy concoction of buttery vanilla ice cream and salty lobster chunks slides smoothly across the palates of Maine natives and tourists alike. ``The two tastes blend really well,'' he said. ``I also got a few secret things in there that kind of beat the fishy taste.'' Young created lobster ice cream five years ago at Ben and Bill's Chocolate Emporium in Bar Harbor, Maine, to dispel rumors that the shop's ice cream was not homemade. ``It's a Maine item and we figured, why not?'' he said. He estimated that the shop sells between 15 and 25 gallons of the frosty treat a week during the summer. Young, no fan of lobster himself, said the ice cream provokes curiosity among most customers. ``I thought it was a joke ... that it was strawberries and ice cream,'' said Nina Shih, a Houston resident on vacation in Maine. She passed on the unusual flavor as ``really odd.'' ``Some people kind of shy away from it, but usually if a crowd comes in, somebody in the group will taste it,'' Young said. Lobster ice cream does have its devotees. Young said the shop frequently gets take-out orders for the treat, which at $33 per bucket is the most expensive flavor in the store. The tail and claw meat that goes into the ice cream is costly, he said, necessitating the higher price. ``We have a lot of repeat customers,'' he said. ``One lady recently came in and said if we didn't have lobster ice cream, she didn't want any ice cream at all.'' Young believes his lobster ice cream is one-of-a-kind, although he once tried lobster Jell-O at a restaurant in Canada. The curious can try the ice cream at the Ben and Bill's in Bar Harbor or at the store's four other locations in Massachusetts. Lobster aficionados who live out of state, however, are out of luck. The company doesn't ship its ice cream. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jul 1997 16:14:48 -0400 From: Debbie Gilleland Subject: Mystery Solved (clean - play on words) MYSTERY SOLVED It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "May I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed. The Lord called on the lion and gave him 20 years, also. The lion, too, wanted only 10. Again Man spoke up. "May I have the other 10 years?" "Ofcourse," said the lion. Then came the donkey, who also was given 20 years. Like the others, 10 years was enough for him. Man again asked for the spare 10 years, and he got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself. - Author Unknown - ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jul 1997 21:58:38 -0600 From: Antonio Oliveros Fernandez Subject: TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY RIDICULOUS HOST NAMES If you know another host name like these, please e-mail it to me. 10. dam.mit.edu 9. monarch.butterfly.net 8. gratuitouslylonghostname.apana.org.au 7. drag.net 6. my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu 5. tragically.hip.berkeley.edu 4. dislocated.hip.berkeley.edu 3. ohsaycan.ucc.american.edu 2. huh_huh.fire.com 1. vo.mit.edu ___________________________________________ Antonio Oliveros Fernandez. oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 00:09:17 -0400 From: Kristina Jansen Subject: Great outdoors? Do you come back from vacation with a new respect for nature? These peope did. ----------------------------------------- At Glacier Nat. Park a visitor tried to lure a ground squirrel nearer by dangling his car keys in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. A ranger summoned to help ticketed the man for harasment. ============== A tourist in Yellowstone crept within 15ft of a bison and posed so a friend could take his picture. When he turned his back to the animal, it charged. The man recived a severe puncture to his thigh and a very graphic photograph of the incident. ============== A Bay area woman on a solo ascent of El Capitan became lost and disoriented when a thunderstorm suddenly developed. She dialed 911 on her cellular phone, and a rescue helicopter found her just off the trail, safe and sound only a quarter mile from the summit. When she saw how close she had come to reaching her goal, she asked the crew to set her down on the top. When they politly declined, she sued the rescuers for kidnapping. ----------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 09:48:39 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Doctor Jokes -Part One This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's(amnesia). In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you. =----------------------------------------------------------- Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn't i, you stupid idiot!!!!! =----------------------------------------------------------- Patient walks into a doctor's office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next! =----------------------------------------------------------- Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer. =----------------------------------------------------------- Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me? Doctor: You have far too much free time. =----------------------------------------------------------- Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor. Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too. =----------------------------------------------------------- Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don't touch a drop. Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don't smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends. =----------------------------------------------------------- Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses. Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank. =----------------------------------------------------------- Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body? Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room! =----------------------------------------------------------- John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off. =----------------------------------------------------------- Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually. Liz: But I'm the examiner! Chalapathi ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 00:14:24 -0400 From: PHREdd Subject: Parrot's of the Caribbean? A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the show each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" (PHREdd) (phredd@mcs.net) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jul 1997 to 3 Jul 1997 **********************************************