There are 8 messages totalling 344 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Young 2. What's a Capital? (off. to blondes) 3. what your car says about you 4. Humor: Cold Snap 5. Tyson, Tyson and more Tyson (all clean) 6. effects of alcoholism 7. HUMOR - Would you hire these guys? (1/3) 8. A bad moment ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 03:56:21 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: The Young * Upon the opening day of school, the new first grade teacher wrote her name on the blackboard. "I want you all to learn my name." she said. "It's Mrs. Prussy, P-R-U-S-S-Y. It sounds a lot like pussy, but it has an 'R' in it." The next day she started the class with "Alright students, now who remembers my name ?" One lil' fellow in the back quickly raised his hand and said, "I know ! I know ! It's Mrs. Crunt." - - - - - * I just heard of a new approach to the "Just Say No" to drugs. This teenage hophead was being sent to a physiatrist by his parents for his addiction(s). He swore off drugs all on his own, because he was afraid to expand his mind while he was having his head shrunk. - - - - - * The teenage beauty was telling a friend that she's really worried about her Mother. It seems that she's always fatigued from staying up all nite long. Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all nite ? At her age, that's not good at all." The girl replied, "Waiting for me to come home." - - - - - * Puberty really is a terrible awkward time for girls. I mean they're too old for dollhouses and too young for penthouses. - - - - - * The high school cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. "Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong." "Yeah, I guess you right." replied the girl. "Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 08:28:37 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: What's a Capital? (off. to blondes) A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's the letter M!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 09:25:01 E From: Charlie Hill Subject: what your car says about you Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars Acura NSX - I am impotent Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart) Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall. Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall. Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D.. Power or his reports Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp. Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above) Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler MGB - I am dating a mechanic Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a forturne off the parts Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic) Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 20:46:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Cold Snap Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *ears* ever get cold?" -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Weather forecast for tonight: It's going to be dark! ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 20:31:05 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: Tyson, Tyson and more Tyson (all clean) The Top 5 New Problems for Mike Tyson 15> Fight controversy may adversely affect pro wrestling career. 14> Upcoming TV special with Martha Stewart in doubt. 13> That constant ringing in his mouth. 12> Spock vs. Tyson bout hastily cancelled. 11> Can't decide between the Crest & Tom's of Maine endorsement deals. 10> Kids really start to freak out whenever he tries to play "Got Your Nose." 9> New nickname of "Nipsy" less intimidating than "Iron Mike." 8> Has absolutely no idea how to handle his next opponent, Vinny "No Ears" Bottatucci. 7> Nobel people called -- they want their peace prize back. 6> Saturday: Bite some guy's ear off. Sunday: Ozzy Osbourne won't stop pestering you to go for a drink. 5> Willing opponents now down to Vincent Van Gogh and J.Paul Getty, Jr. 4> Don King, fearing a loss of credibility, ups commission from 98 to 99% 3> ASPCA has yet to approve match with Marmaduke. 2> He's starting to make O.J. look respectable. 1> Recurring fantasies about Ross Perot and Prince Charles. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] -------------------- From the hundreds of suggestions sent to The Zone on Monday, here are the top 10 slogans for Tyson-Holyfield III as selected by a blue-ribbon committee: 10. The Third Gogh Around 9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer 8. The Last Supper 7. Ear-Reconcilable Differences 6. Grazing Bull 5. You Wanna Piece of Me? 4. Blood, Sweat, and Ears 3. No Lobe Lost 2. Bite of the Century 1. Because you're dumb enough to pay for it -------------------- "Mike Tyson Excuses" as presented on the 06/30/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off" 9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos" 8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters 7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious! 6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith 5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy" 4. Ears is tasty 3. "It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me" 2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring" 1. He ran out of gum (c 1997 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. All Rights Reserved) ================================================= Real people tell real stories in a very real place. Join the Coolest Campfire on Wires - mailto:majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org. Type "subscribe nerdnosh" email: bmyers@iafrica.com, capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, capekid@usa.net. http://members.wbs.net/homepages/c/a/p/capekid27.html marie's email: dernhelm@bigfoot.com, dernhelm@usa.net ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 15:38:04 0 From: Alan Campbell Subject: effects of alcoholism Q. Why didn't Hitler drink tequila? A. Made him mean... While we're on the subject of 20th century villains and booze... Q. Why did Andrew Lloyd Webber sell his collection of fine wines? A. He found that he didn't need alcohol to get rat-faced... Yrs, Alan Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age. - Victor Hugo >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> +++++ <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 14:11:51 -0700 From: "Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed" Subject: HUMOR - Would you hire these guys? (1/3) Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to described their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees: * A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. * Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to both the interviewer and the music at the same time. * Candidate fell and broke his arm. * Candidate announced she had not had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewers' office. * Candidate explained that her long-term goals were to replace the interviewer. * Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. * Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece. * Applicant said if he was hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed to his forearm. * Applicant interrupted the interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. * Candidate brought large dog to interview. * Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. * Candidate dozed off during interview. Eddie - "Supergenius" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 12:10:15 -0400 From: Barcillo Subject: A bad moment A friend finds another in the street : Joe: Hi Jim, How are you? Jim: Very bad, my friend, I had a very bad moment and had to move out from my home to another neighborhood because of the embarrassment. Joe: What happened? Jim: I was taking a shower and suddenly my German Shepherd dog entered the bathroom and fucked me up my ass so I screamed. Joe: Oh, that must have been terrible, I figure the neighbors heard you shout. Jim: That was nothing, The fucking dog got scared and ran out to the street puling me behind. ****************************** Salud!... os barcillo@gu.pro.ec Visit The Booze Zone at: http://geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html Drinks, Live Music, Hangover Suggestions, Humor, Food, and More. ***************************** ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jul 1997 to 5 Jul 1997 **********************************************