There are 6 messages totalling 325 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Travel 2. HUMOR - Would hire these guys? (2/3) 3. HUMOR - Redneck's Dick (sick, off to Southerners) 4. In The News - Humorous News Quips 5. In plain English: we're still not making sense 6. Bug ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 5 Jul 1997 04:43:49 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Travel * The tourist was attempting to sneak several quarts of tequila, an expensive import in the US, back from Mexico. The border guard asked what was in the bottles. The fellow replied, "That's Holy Water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary." The guard opened one of the bottles, poured a drop on his finger, and tasted it. "This is tequila !" he said sternly. "My heavens." gasped the tourist. "Another miracle !!!" - - - - - * The rural couple scrimped and saved and sent their son to Europe for both education and travel. The youth decided to grow both a mustache and a goatee. Thinking to surprise his parents, he sent a snapshot back home with the caption, "Do you think I now look like a Count ?" The Father wrote back, "Here we are spending a fortune on your education and your spelling hasn't even improved one lil' bit." - - - - - * An Italian cabdriver was telling a passenger that only real men drive taxis in Rome. "We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women." he proclaimed. The tourist asked, "But how do you steer ?" "I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only real men drive taxis in Rome." - - - - - * A tourist was propositioned in London one night. When he replied that he was almost broke, the girl agreed to a quickie in the alley. After a bit, the girl noticed the fellow was losing interest and said, "What's the matter dearie ?" He fumed, "Well, not only am I involved in this ridiculous standing position, but you have the brazen indecency to keep nodding at the people passing by." "Well, that's your own fault Governor." she snapped back. "Yer've tucked in a bit o' me scarf." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Jul 1997 09:06:26 -0700 From: "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak." Subject: HUMOR - Would hire these guys? (2/3) Employers were asked to list the most unusual questions that have been asked by job candidates: * What is it that you people do at this company? * What is the company motto? * Why aren't you in a more interesting business? * What are the zodiac signs of all the board members? * Why do you want references? * Do I have to dress for the next interview? * I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me? * will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland? * Will the company pay to relocate my horse? * Does your health insurance cover pets? * Will it be a problem, if I am angry most of the time? * Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons? * Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay? * Why am I here? Eddie - "Supergenius" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Jul 1997 10:24:03 -0700 From: Himenator Subject: HUMOR - Redneck's Dick (sick, off to Southerners) Q: How do you cut off a redneck's dick? A: Kick his sister in the chin. -- ******************************************************************************** Wylie Coyote, Supergenius :) Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted... Press -- to continue... ******************************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Jul 1997 11:49:24 -0700 From: elambert Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times Includes some late night humor, and rec.humor.funny (rhf) WARNING: May be offensive to the British, American politicians, America Online, Michael Jackson, Michael Kennedy, Mike Tyson, Amtrak, American military, Lorena Bobbitt, the tobacco industry, Jacques Cousteau. Includes reference to illegal drug use. Britain returned control of Hong Kong to China this week. In a last minute decision, England decided to throw in Fergie for free. (Cutler Daily Scoop) Now that Hong Kong has switched, it's only a matter of time before they'll be bothered during dinner by AT&T, Sprint and MCI trying to get them to switch again. (Miller) China should be doing pretty good at this point - Britain gave them Hong Kong, and the Democrats are selling them Washington. Washington has been experiencing a heat wave. It was so hot, people were standing around Senate Republicans just to feel the chill coming off their hearts when they cut Medicare for the elderly. (Leno) Travel Advisory: Don't go to the Republic of Congo. They're having a fight. (rhf) The Senate voted to increase the Medicare eligibility age from 65 to 67, and senior citizens are upset. Senator Strom Thurmond responded, "These kids today, it's always gimme gimme gimme." The White House has released its report on the future of the Internet. Most experts agree there is only one thing keeping the average person off the net - America Online. A dissident faction of Ross Perot's Reform Party has broken off to form its own party. Politics are getting pretty bad when you have to reform the Reform Party. President Clinton responded to the UN Earth Summit criticism by endorsing tough new standards for clean air. It's about time - twice during the '96 Olympics, the javelin got stuck in the sky. The House adjourned without voting disaster aid for flood victims. Those people waited weeks for emergency help - never have a natural disaster in a year that doesn't end with an election. McDonald's heiress Joan Kroc's $15 million gift to North Dakota flood victims has spawned other philanthropy. Michael Kennedy offered to drive their baby sitters home. Mike Tyson was disqualified because of a lobe blow. (rhf) The only person happy with the outcome of the fight was Tyson's new corner person - Lorena Bobbitt. Mike Tyson used to be a world ranked prize fighter - now he's just a two bit boxer. (rhf) A Russian cargo ship crashed into the Mir space station. Did you know that 'Mir' is Russian for 'Amtrak'? The Air Force says aliens didn't land in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. They say they were just test dropping mannequins. Knowing what we know about the Air Force, they were probably blow up dolls. (Sorry Ken :) Of course, I suppose this means Michael Jackson is one of *us*... Debate continues on Capitol Hill over the Kelly Flinn case. Most lawmakers think the military code is too strict. Of course, these are the same lawmakers who think the Sixth Commandment says, 'Thou shalt not admit adultery'. I think if everyone in the Air Force who deserved it was court martialed for adultery, SAC bombers would have to contract out to UPS. The Pentagon says it wants to be prepared to fight two wars at once - for example, one with Iraq and one with the '90's. (Cutler Daily Scoop) The tobacco industry has agreed to pay $360 billion to settle lawsuits. The good news for them - they can get a full refund on all the congressmen they bought in the last year if they still have the receipts. (Leno) As part of the agreement, the tobacco companies have to get rid of all their billboards. Pretty soon, Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man will be living in OJ's guest house. Smokers can relax, though. It's still legal to smoke under water and on top of Mt. Everest. And finally, following a lengthy illness, famed undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau has died. In accordance with his wishes, he will not be buried or cremated - his family will flush him down the toilet. (rhf) Correction - in my last post, 'yummy' should have read 'yymmdd'. (rhf) Ed Lambert (elambert@ix.netcom.com) Don't bum me down with your jive, man ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Jul 1997 19:13:30 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: In plain English: we're still not making sense From: Varda Ullman Novick Electronic Telegraph UK News Sunday 6 July 1997 Issue 772 By Anthea Hall The woman who has made it her life's work to rid the English language of impenetrable and pretentious jargon has admitted: "We are still a long way off." What, asks Chrissie Maher, is an ambient replenishment assistant? And what does unselected rollback to idle mean? (see answers) On the eve of an international conference of her Plain English Campaign, she has issued a challenge to supporters of plain speech to come up with more and worse examples of what the campaign calls Goobledegook Shockers. Mrs Maher believes that the tide of jargon she declared war on 30 years ago when she founded the campaign shows no sign of abating. Incomprehensible English - known, before EU days, as double Dutch - is as much in evidence as ever. "The Americans have a head start on us," she said. "But I want British people to scour official and business documents to find dreadful examples so we can beat the Americans at their own game." She said the campaign aimed to pool ideas to get the English-speaking world to use clear language. "We have just been to South Africa where we helped them re-word the Bill of Rights and we did the same in Ghana. Gobbledegook costs companies and governments millions in wasted time and misunderstanding." Here are some of the worst examples: * A visitor uplift facility (as announced by a government minister discussing tourist plans). Mountain train. * A position incentivised. Being put on the bonus list. * Ambient non-combatant personnel. Refugees of war. * Festive embellishments of an illuminary nature. Christmas lights (as described by politically correct Northampton council). * An unpremised business person. Hawker, street trader. * Revenue enhancer. Tax collector (US). * Non discretionary fragrance. Body odour (US). Answers: An ambient replenishment assistant is a shelf stacker and unselected rollback to idle means aircraft engine failure in mid-flight. Utilise mouse button depression in this vicinity to access article relocation facility Jack Kolb Dept. of English, UCLA kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Jul 1997 09:08:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Bug Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around >> -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Reagan's model computer - no period, colon or memory. ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Jul 1997 to 6 Jul 1997 **********************************************