There are 8 messages totalling 274 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Moore on Dating 2. Sheltie Snow Cone 3. Medical jokes 4. Rope Joke 5. offensive to fred astair fans? 6. Southern ventings 7. HUMOR Digest - 31 Jul 1997 to 1 Aug 1997 8. Hookers and cabbies (not as bad as the title sounds) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 1 Aug 1997 03:54:57 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Moore on Dating * As a young man in the Navy, I will confess to not being all that careful about who I dated. This one young thang and I connected, and following dinner and a movie, she agreed to a motel. After a very pleasant love-making session I noticed the time. I asked her if her Mother didn't pose questions about where she had been. She replied, "My Mother doesn't care what I do. it's that damned truant officer who keeps asking a lot of silly questions." - - - - - * Every time I brought a girl home to "meet the folks", my Mother couldn't stand her. She never liked any girl in who I showed any interest; until one nite I brought home a girl who not only looked like my Mother, but kinda sounded like her too. Wouldn't ya just know it ? My Father couldn't stand her. - - - - - * A girl went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars. - - - - - * At a party I was attending I was warned in advance to avoid this one desperate girl. Before I knew that happened though, she had me cornered. She asked if I were new to the area as she hadn't met me until that nite. I replied, "No, I've been away." "Ohhhhh, how exciting. Where were you, Europe ?" "No." I said, "I was in jail." "Oh really ?" And why were you in jail ?" "Well, I hacked my wife into little bitty pieces with a meat cleaver fifteen years ago." "Ohhhhh, then that means you're single then, right ?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (joke page) http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html (postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Aug 1997 07:31:48 -0400 From: Adina Sobo Subject: Sheltie Snow Cone >From the Sheltie-Talk Mailing list: A report was submitted today by one Joyce Becherini of Germantown, Wisconsin warning that use of the Elizabethan Collar in winter should be strictly supervised. Ms Becherini reported that an E-Collar had been provided as an accessory for her her 11 year old Sheltie, Samantha Becherini to prevent her from "looking at her foot?!?!" * The dog was permitted out in the yard for no less than 10, no more than 20 minutes to accomodate,according to Ms Becherini (and this is an exact quote) "those things better done outside." The distraught dog owner reports that it was not snowing at the time. She returned approximately 15 minutes later to find that Sam was sitting on the deck in the midst of a snow flurry and the E-Collar was filling up with snow so that all she could see was her (Exact Quote) "sad nose poking out" ** Sam was rescued from the deck and Becherini reported that the Snow Flakes that falling were HUGE. *** In a related report.....Ms Becherini also states that as a result of what she calls "The Sheltie Conspiracy"**** she believes that Samantha Becherini has co-erced her impressionable and compassionate sister (referred to in this report as the Della-brat) to provide paw licking services in exchange for Charlie Bear Treats. FOLLOWUP RECOMMENDATIONS: 1) *Correction.....Licking on her foot. 2) ** NOTE: This office has grave concern that Sam will be referred to in the future as a "Snow Cone" causing great emotional Distress! 3) Further investigation is required as to Why the E-Collar had been painted gold with round holes drawn in. To this investigator, the appearance was similar to that of a Cheesehead???? 4)****Sheltie Conspiracy, NOTE: New file opened, Heading-Joe/Sneakers-Atlanta Conspiracy Theory Center ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Aug 1997 08:30:52 -0400 From: Barbara Anderson Subject: Medical jokes "I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober." ********** Then there was the doctor who prescribed sex for his patients with insomnia. The patients didn't get more sleep, but they had a lot more fun staying awake. ********** The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one." ********** The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the doctor. "Nope," she replied, "But ah've been ultra-violated." ********** When the handsome gynecologist asked his new patient to disrobe, the pretty young thing began to blush. "Haven't you ever been examined before?" he asked with concern. "Oh, yes," she whispered, "but never by a doctor." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Aug 1997 09:09:29 -0400 From: Craig Ehrlich Subject: Rope Joke A piece of rope slithers in to a bar and says, =93Bartender, can I have a= beer please.=94 The bartender says, =93Hey, you=92re a rope aren=92t you?=94 =93= Yes,=94 the rope replied. =93Sorry, we don=92t serve rope in here.=94 Well the rope was a = little let down, but he thought that maybe if he was more assertive, he=92d have bet= ter luck. He slithers in to the next bar and says, =93Bartender, give me a beer ove= r here.=94 The bartender says, =93Hey, you=92re a rope aren=92t you?=94 =93= Yes,=94 the rope replied. =93Sorry, we don=92t serve rope in here.=94 Well the rope was re= ally dejected. As he slithered down the street, he ran into some friends and t= old them of the trouble he was having. One friend had an idea, so they tied the rope into a knot. They also fray= ed the ends of the rope. Now he was looking tough and mean. He went into the next bar, pounds on the bar and says, =93Bartender, give me a beer over h= ere, NOW.=94 The bartender says, =93Hey, you=92re a rope aren=92t you?=94 The rope says, =93No, I=92m afraid not (a frayed knot).=94 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Aug 1997 08:36:20 CST6CDT From: John Olack Subject: offensive to fred astair fans? The famous fire-fighter Red Adair, (played by John Wayne in the movies) who traveled the world extinguishing oil well fires, was relaxing in the lounge of a Houston Holiday Inn. The bartender says, "Hey, stwanger. You thure wook familiar but I don't think I've ever theen you in here before". Red says, "Nope. I'm not from Houston. I'm in town to help with that fire at the refinery". The bartender, obviously with a speech impediment, says, "No kidding! Well, my name ith Wobert and I'm pwoud to meet you. Whath your name, old fwiend?", and Red says, "I'm sure you've heard of me; my name's Red Adair." Wobert, er...Robert says, "Ith that wight? Well, I'll be damned! Red Adair, huh? Thay, Red...are you thtill fucking Ginger Wodgers?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Aug 1997 10:38:31 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Southern ventings Most of these one-liners are from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's Vent column (reader's comments on life and current events): After seeing how Disney is doing financially, I was wondering if I could get the Southern Baptists to boycott my company. The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him. It's not classy, it's cheap. When restaurants charge $1.50 and up for iced tea, I ask for water with a lemon so that I can make lemonade. Of course I tip my waiters, but they never seem to appreciate my advice. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. When I told my 5-year-old this morning that I loved him, he replied, "Now what did you do wrong, Momma?" Never kick a man unless he's down. Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? If there wasn't the risk of having a baby, would sex be as much fun? It is not politically correct to say that people are fat or obese. They are merely overzealous connoisseurs of the art of cuisine. The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the computers. My wife wanted a change of scenery, so I showed her the kitchen. While I was out of town, burglars broke into my apartment, but they didn't take anything. It really hurt my feelings. If the Republicans were really serious about saving us money, they'd adjourn Congress as soon as the President signs the budget. Don't count on it. The less I see of New Gingrich the easier it is for me to forget him. It's better to say something good about a bad person than to say something bad about a good person. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Aug 1997 13:46:58 EDT From: Jena M Bolin Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 31 Jul 1997 to 1 Aug 1997 One quick question, is 'Border' a movie? And if so, who's in it? Jena ^ ^ \_"_/ (o o)/ Sit Ubu sit! Good dog! "woof" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Aug 1997 14:36:34 -0400 From: Sue Sevin Subject: Hookers and cabbies (not as bad as the title sounds) Well no flames from my joke posted earlier this week, so I'll try again: A mother and her small daughter were in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummie, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replied, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work." The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummie, do the ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Aug 1997 to 2 Aug 1997 **********************************************