There are 16 messages totalling 625 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Put Downs 2. Mafioso Q&A 3. More misc quotes 4. A fable from the East ... with a modern twist 5. Croak 6. Murphy & Doctors (not off.) 7. Lumberjack Story 8. Signs your cat may be neurotic 9. Letting off steam -- oneliners and other bits of humor 10. Golf Joke 11. Lab Rabbit Escapes 12. Advice (not off.) 13. The Governess 14. Words of Advice for Young People (some 4 letter words) 15. oldie but goodie 16. copyright ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 03:39:50 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Put Downs * A rather plump man boarded a bus and sat down. The woman seated opposite said to her friend, "If that stomach were on a woman, it would indicate she were pregnant." The man, overhearing the remark, turned to her and said, "It was, and she is." - - - - - * A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store. Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price. When he told her she launched into a tirade about prices these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto tires. After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had enuff and said, "My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother ?" - - - - - * A couple completed their dinner and the man asked for the check. Thinking to impress his date, he called the waiter over and loudly complained that the bill was incorrect. The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it was indeed correct. "Are you trying to make a fool out of me ?" he huffed. "Oh sir... Not in the least... I never interfere with nature." - - - - - * As Mrs JimJr and I were leaving a party, where I may have overdone the comedy a wee bit, she fumed, "I hope you're happy with your antics tonite. Lord, I just hope nobody realized you were sober." - - - - - * Two Yuppettes were lunching, and one looks over to see a friend entering the restaurant. "Oh, there's Ruth, do you believe that awful story about her ?" The other woman says, "Of course ! What is it ?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (joke page) http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html (postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 12:00:27 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Mafioso Q&A Q. If you drop a Mafioso and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first? A. Who cares? ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 07:14:03 -0400 From: Cyn MacGregor Subject: More misc quotes Misc quotes taken from THE PRAIRIE RAMBLER "The Western artist Charles Marion Russell lived in Great Falls, Montana, where he drank a lot and painted a lot. Once, in 1923, he was asked to address the Great Falls booster club. After several speeches by local dignitaries championing the virtues of the town and the admirableness of the pioneer spirit, Russell tore up his prepared talk and said, 'In my book, a pioneer is a man who turned all the grass upside down, strung bob [sic] wire all over the dust that was left, poisoned the water and cut down the trees, killed the Indians who owned the land and called it progress. If I had my way, the land would be like God had made it and none of you sons of bitches would be here at all.'" Unattributed "You speak of love and tenderness and passion, but real ecstacy [sic] is discovering you haven't lost your keys after all." Clark Kerr "I think [Ross] Perot has two tremendous strengths . . . . One is that he is not a Democrat, and the other is that he's not a Republican." Edwin Knoll "Congress is expected to approve less forceful air bags. They already exist. They're called Republicans." *National Review* ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 08:19:19 -0400 From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" Subject: A fable from the East ... with a modern twist Recd. from: Deora, Raj Once upon a time in a hot summer afternoon, a man (Mr. Topiwalla) was traversing the vast plains when he felt tired and wanted to have a nap. He found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade, laced his bag of caps beside him and went to sleep. Tired as he was, he was quickly fast asleep. When he woke up after a refreshing little nap, he found that there weren't any caps in his bag! "Oh, Allah!", he said to himself, "Did the thieves have to find me of all the people?" But then he noticed that the mango tree was full of cute monkeys wearing colorful caps! He yelled at the monkeys and they screamed back. He made faces at them and found the monkeys to be experts at that. He threw a stone at them and they showered him with raw mangoes. "Ya Allah, how do I get my caps back," he said. Frustrated, he took off his own cap and slammed it on the ground. And lo, the stupid monkeys threw their caps too! Smart Mr.Topiwalla didn't waste a second, collected the caps and was on his way. 50 Years later ...... Young Mr.Topiwalla the Third, grandson of famous cap maker Mr.Topiwalla who was also working hard at making money doing his family business, was going through the same jungle. After a long walk he was very tired and found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade. Mr.T - III decided to rest a while and very soon was fast asleep. A few hours later, when he woke up, he realized that all the caps from his bag were gone! He started searching for the same and to his surprise found some monkeys sitting on the mango tree wearing his caps. He was frustrated and didn't know what to do. And then he remembered a story his grandfather proudly used to tell him. "Yes!!!! I can fool these monkeys!!!", said Mr.T-III. "I'll make them imitate me and very soon I'll get all my caps back!" He waved at the monkeys -- the Monkeys waved at him He blew his nose -- the Monkeys blew their noses He started dancing -- the Monkeys were also dancing He pulled his ears -- the Monkeys pulled their ears He raised his hands -- the Monkeys raised their hands He threw his cap on the ground and .................... one of the monkeys jumped down from the tree, walked up to him, slapped him left and right and said "Idiot!!! Do you think you were the only one to have had a grandfather?????" * Sai X5098 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 08:38:47 -0400 From: Craig Ehrlich Subject: Croak A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?" Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 09:09:57 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Murphy & Doctors (not off.) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. If you are given an open book exam, you will forget your book. The trouble with doing something right the first time, is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. ========================================================================== The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting. * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. * The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet. * On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. * She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. * I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious. * Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. * The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. * Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. * Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. * The patient refused an autopsy. * The patient has no past history of suicides. * The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. * Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. * Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency. * The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. * She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. * The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. * The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 10:05:51 -0400 From: Michael Murphy Subject: Lumberjack Story A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, Herb showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at me and told me to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," I said. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." So I headed for the tree, and in five minutes I was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," I said. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," I replied. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. And then I laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 10:59:44 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Signs your cat may be neurotic I do not know the author, but the most recent sender is noted. Date: Sat, 2 Aug 1997 11:55:55 -0400 (EDT) From: DPRogers@aol.com Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder.. * Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it! * You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick. * Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole. * Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac. * No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again... * Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door. * Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke. * Rides in your car with its head out the window. * She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party. * You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y. * Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans. * Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones. * After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss. * Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines. * Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip. * Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 11:09:28 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Letting off steam -- oneliners and other bits of humor Burglars broke into my apartment and were so appalled, they left a donation! The political correct term for Yankee is "grits-challenged individuals." A woman's husband's previous wife is called her "wife-in-law." What is a tizzy and how do you get into one? Do nudist colonies have dress codes? Why do jumob eggs keep getting smaller every year? I followed a bumper sticker ("Follow me to Jesus) on a white Escort to Hooters. Does a French athlete wear a jacques strap? I drive a minivan but in my heart it's a sport car; so eat my dust. Signed, Mommio Andretti. Someone stole my wife's credit cards last week but I didn't call it in because he is charging less than she did. I got lost in thought. I t was unfamiliar territory. If you see an onion ring, answer it! My husband wanted a change of scenery -- I showed him the doghouse. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 12:02:44 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Golf Joke A man had to go to a strange town to be a guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the motel, he found that he had a lot of time left before his meeting started. Being an avid golfer, he asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was located. While playing the front nine, he was going over his speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, told her about his upcoming meeting, the speech he was about to make, his confusion on the course and politely asked her if she knew which hole he was playing. She replied: "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me.....so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and continued with his game. On the back nine the same thing happened. Once again he approached her with the same request. She said: "I'm on the 14th hole.....you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." He again thanked her and returned to his game. He finished his round and went into the clubhouse where he saw the very same lady sitting at the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew her. The bartender indicated that she was a saleslady and as a club member, she played the course quite often. He approached her and said: "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help on the course today. I understand that you're a saleslady and I'm in sales as well. What do you sell?" She replied: "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No I will not,", he said and insisted that she tell him what she sold. "Well if you must know", she answered, I sell Tampax." With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said: "See, I told you that you'd laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at", he replied, I'm a toilet paper salesman so I'm still behind you!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 10:03:29 -0700 From: "Michael J. Irvin" Subject: Lab Rabbit Escapes A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 13:18:38 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Advice (not off.) Attached you will find novelist Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address to the graduating class at MIT, which was forwarded to me by a friend: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97: Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4:00 pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. But trust me on the sunscreen. Kurt Vonnegut, to MIT graduating class. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 14:32:15 -0400 From: Barbara Anderson Subject: The Governess The attractive young governess, with her small charge in tow, left the park to visit her boy friend at his apartment. The couple embraced fondly and longed for intimacy, but there seemed to be little they could do with the child watching. Then the governess hit upon an idea. "Tommy," she said to her small charge, "go look out that window and I will give you a dime for every hat you see!" Delighted with the new game, Tommy ran to the window and stared intently at the passersby below. Almost a minute passed before Tommy's voice popped up with "I see a red hat!" "That's nice," came the governess' muffled reply through the open bedroom door. "There's another one!" said the boy a short time later. "Keep counting," the woman manged to say. "Oh, governess," Tommy exclaimed suddenly. "What now?" she asked, breathing heavily. "I just wanted to tell you that this is going to be the most expensive roll in the hay you've ever had, 'cause here comes a Shriners Parade!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Aug 1997 00:59:53 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Words of Advice for Young People (some 4 letter words) These are some gems by William S. Burroughs who has just passed away. 1.Never interfere in a boy and girl fight. 2.Beware of whores who say they don't want money. The hell they don't; what they mean is,they want more money, much more. 3.If you are doing business with a religious son of a bitch, get it in writing; his word isn't worth shit, not with the good lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal. 4.Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill. Tell them firmly, "I am not paid to listen to this drivel. You are a terminal fool." 5.Now, so you may encounter the devil's bargain if you get that far. Every soul is worth saving, at least to a priest, but not every soul is worth buying; so you can take the offer as a compliment. [but] There are no honorables bargains involving the exchange of qualitative merchandize like souls, for quantitative merchandize like time and money. So piss off Satan and don't take me for dumber than I look. As an old junk dealer once told me, "Watch who's money you pick up." Transcribed from the spoken word recording, "Spare-Ass Annie." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 21:33:38 -0400 From: Gail Katz Subject: oldie but goodie Sadie comes home from the doctor with a sad expression on her face. Her husband Sam says,"What's the matter, Sadie?" "Well, I haven't been feeling so good, so I went to the doctor, and he said that I need to have sex 7 nights a week to feel better." "Oh," says Sam, "Great, put me down for Tuesdays and Thursdays!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 23:35:59 -0400 From: Michael Murphy Subject: copyright I received a note from Joker@Joker.org which implied that a posting I titled Lumberjack Story was a copyrighted work. I had heard the joke in the 1970's in essentially the same form. The joke came to me, most recently, over the internet from an independent source and not from Joker@Joker.org. There was no fixing of the copyright in the form that it came to me. I would like to acknowledge that Joker@Joker.org has indicated that the work is copyrighted. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Aug 1997 to 6 Aug 1997 **********************************************