There are 15 messages totalling 704 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Moore on Forms 2. Joke-Clean:Adam-Eve 3. Another Engineer Joke 4. Various jokes with an Indian flavour - Part 2 of 2 5. Barney News Report --RESEND 6. Salesperson Quiz (may be off. to Wisconsinites, gays) 7. 3 worst Chinese tortures 8. Ouch! (Adult) 9. "Liars, Incompetents, Distorters"? 10. college majors and real life 11. To My Critics (offensive lang.) 12. HUMOR - Graduate Students 13. Humor - It's A Wacky World! 14. varied 15. Barbs (special section on how to get rid of a live-in) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 04:01:44 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Moore on Forms * My sense of humor always gets me into trouble, but I just can't help it. Applying for a job one time, the employment form clearly said: "Age of Father, if living" and the same query for my Mother. I put down the figures 119 and 117 in the spaces provided, and the interviewer asked if my parents were truly that old. I replied, "No, but they would be if they were still living." - - - - - * Upon reviewing applications for the position of a clerical job at the Maryland State Highway, I found one young lady had listed "fellatio" under special job skills. To the best of my knowledge, she's still working there. (No longer just a file clerk though) - - - - - * Signing in for a technical conference, the hotel registry had a blank for "firm:". I entered "not very." - - - - - * A young woman filling out one of our applications for employment had a very interesting answer for "What are your aims & ambitions". She wrote: "I want to go as far as my education and sex will allow." - - - - - * At times I was asked to provide references for former employees by companies considering hiring them. On one firm's form was the question: "Was this person a steady worker ?" Since the guy was a well known do nothing, I entered "Not just steady, but motionless" in the space provided. - - - - - * The State Highway's Bridge Department had a questionnaire to try to weed out people not suited. One of the questions was "What does hydrodynamics mean ?" One applicant answered: "It means I don't get the job." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (joke page) http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html (postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 14:37:00 PDT From: "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO" Subject: Joke-Clean:Adam-Eve > > A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam > > and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. > > > > "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must > > be British." > > > > "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so > > beautiful. Clearly, they are French." > > > > "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only > > an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are > > Russian." > > > > ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 13:37:14 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Another Engineer Joke Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 07:57:07 -0400 From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" Subject: Various jokes with an Indian flavour - Part 2 of 2 Taken (and adapted) from the Times Of India (http://www.timesofindia.com) dated 31st August 1997 Laloo's family planting slogan: Hum do, hamare nou - by Madan Chhabra, New Delhi Slimming: Just another word for load shedding. Bigamy: A scheme to buy one and get one free. Geography: A study of curves, slopes and plains. - by Surendra Hingorani, Mumbai Gentlemen: One who can disagree without being disagreeable. School: Place where children are sent because they are too noisy at home. Husband: A person who expects his wife to be perfect and understands why he isn't. Committee: An arrangement enabling one to share the blame with others. - by Krupakar, New Delhi Teacher: What did we do on 15th August with Gandhiji's help? Chinni: Enjoyed a holiday! - by Raghavendra D.R., Shimoga Q: Why did the girl apply lipstick on her head? A: So that she could make up her mind! - by Bipin Chandra, Shimoga Q: What is the difference between a soldier and a girl? A: A soldier faces the powder whereas a girl powders the face. Q: Which is the most unsociable thing in the world? A: A milestone, because you never see two of them together. - by Mallikarjun Jirgi, Gulbarga Q: Which is the funniest car? A: A cartoon (car-toon)? Q: What do you call a genie who is smart? A: A genie - us. Q: How does a farmer count his cows? A: On a cow-culator. - by Anil Kumar, Delhi A man advertising his wife's prowess at acupuncture, told his friend, ``She is an old hand at it. She's been needling me for 30 years!'' Display on watch repair shop: ``Please be patient. I have only two hands? - by Divya Mittal, Bareilly Notes (in no particular order): 1) Gandhiji is M. K. Gandhi, (known to most people from the movie Gandhi), aka Father of the Nation. He is the person credited with getting India freedom from the British on August 15th, 1947. 2) Laloo is Laloo Prasad Yadav, the embattled Chief Minister of Bihar, one of the most corrupt states in the country. He is in 'custody' having been accused of embezzling funds from the treasury. He made his illiterate wife, Rabri Devi, the chief minister in his stead and currently rules Bihar by proxy. He and his wife have 9 children. Now, India, with the dubious honour of having the second largest national population in the world, has a family planning slogan "Hum do, hamare do" - transliterated as "We two, ours two". The punchline (and the whole joke for that matter) in the first joke is "Hum do, hamare nou" - transliterated as "We two, ours nine". Needless to say, "nou" is nine and is pronounced to rhyme with "do". * Sai X5098 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 09:41:04 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Barney News Report --RESEND I accidently sent out a rather messy version of the following note yesterday. I am resending it for Barney bashers, Barney scholars and Barney afficinados. JM Warning: Barney's Back and this time with a Brain by Jim Mica Look out "Tickle Me Elmo," there's a new Barney out and he's one to be reckoned with! Instead of being stuffed with some kind of hypo-allergenic filling, he comes with a 257K memory. Good grief! That's 4 times as much memory as my original Commodore 64 had. Stephen Manes wrote up the story in last week's SCIENCE TIMES (August 26th). This new Barney "watches" television with you. For now it picks up signals from special video tapes or CD-ROMs, but "...PBS broadcasts of "Barney and Friends" are expected to include the codes that animate the doll beginning in November, but your child may wonder why Barney remains mute when they watch "The McLaughlin Group" together." Just why you would subject your child to that particular group isn't discussed. Writes Manes: "Hearing your own private Barney comment on the antics of the public Barney on the screen takes television to a new level of self- referentiality unlikely to be topped until you can buy home "Mystery Science Theater 3000" characters that comment on the commentary on "Mystery Science Theater 3000"." I suppose that this new Barney development could have been predicted. Barney is the creation of a pair of "educators" who design each and every bit of his behavior to elicit appropriate pschyo-emotional-motor- development states from the urchins with whom he interacts. Now, these are "educators," they probably can't even stand kids! So, why bother with having these uncontrolled ragamuffins hanging around their perfectly designed avatar of good behavior and then having all of these messy interactions observed by kids when you can go to kid-machine interactions and eliminate some extraneous variables from your calculations? Manes concludes that this new Barney automaton is "a lot cuter than his on-screen namesake and somewhat less mechanical." Moreover, you can shut this Barney down by "squeezing a hand and a foot simultaneously." Of course, you can also just yank out them batteries. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 10:28:43 -0400 From: Craig Ehrlich Subject: Salesperson Quiz (may be off. to Wisconsinites, gays) SALESPERSON'S QUIZ 1. You have prepared a proposal for the regional director of purchasing for your largest customer. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your sales to his company by 200%. In the middle of your proposal, this customer leans over to look at your report and spits in your coffee. You... A. Tell him you prefer your coffee black. B. Ask to have him checked for any communicable diseases. C. Take a leak in his "Out" basket. 2. You are having lunch with a prospective customer talking about what could be your biggest sale of the year. During the conversation, a blond walks into the restaurant and she is so stunning that you draw your companion's attention to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in your motel. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as your client's daughter. Your next move is to... A. Ask for her hand in marriage. B. Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English. C. Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for the best. 3. You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January. You tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You... A. Ask what position she played. B. Ask if she's still working the streets. C. Pretend you're suffering from amnesia and don't even remember your own name. 4. You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a No-No, you... A. Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 3rd joint. B. Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first. C. Drop your napkin on the floor and, when you bend over to pick it up, blow your nose on your sock. 5. You are on your way to see you best account when your zipper breaks and you discover that you forgot to put on your underwear that morning. You decide to... A. Call on the customer's secretary instead. B. Explain you were just trolling for queers. C. Buy a baggy raincoat and head for the school playground. 6. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch reacts, creating severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in the most convincing manner, causing three water tumblers to shatter and a secretary to pass out. What you should do next is... A. Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. B. Point out their Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. C. Challenge anyone in the room to do better. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 09:14:56 -0400 From: Barcillo Subject: 3 worst Chinese tortures A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's = been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could = forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One = afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines = covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the = area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone = is home.=20 He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"=20 The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I = could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"=20 The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"=20 The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"=20 The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give = you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."=20 "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought = to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her = life?=20 Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he = saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each = other throughout the meal.=20 That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a = time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests = would be worth it after that experience."=20 Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his = chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the = rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".=20 "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst = Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".=20 The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost". ****************************** Salud!... os barcillo@gu.pro.ec Visit The Booze Zone at: http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html Drinks, Humor, Live Music, Hangover Sugestions, more Humor, Food and = More. ***************************** ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 11:29:00 EDT From: Jon Bisbey Subject: Ouch! (Adult) A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that -- and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!" Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of Vanaerial disease!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 11:43:27 -0400 From: Joydeep Mitra Subject: "Liars, Incompetents, Distorters"? Believe it or not: The Pew Center for Civic Journalism holds a seminar next week on "Liars, Incompetents, Distorters: Who believes Journalists Anymore?" Source: The Wall Street Journal: Friday, Sep 5,1997. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 12:00:19 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: college majors and real life Computer Science: College Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing XTrek and drinking Jolt. Interact only with other CS majors, and only via the 'net if you can manage it. Become passionately involved only in the continuing IBM/Commodore/Macintosh debate. Real Life Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee...at least five cups an hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. Psychology: College Spend most of your time in a dimly-lit lab, playing with rats and other vermin. Drink Jolt by the six-pack to stay up all night with the rodents. Interact only with other Psychos, but only to analyze their behavior in non-lab situations. Become involved in the continuing debate over whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp sci major. Real Life Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and living in a cardboard box with other vermin, wishing you'd changed to CS instead of the rat. Continue to consider yourself superior to social work majors. Economics: College Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit room full of charts and graphs. Learn about supply and demand, GNP, supply and demand, prime rates, supply and demand, inflation, and supply and demand. Real Life Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government office with people who look just like you. Issue reports you wrote in college because you're too lazy to write a new one. Watch newscaster explain your report to unsuspecting viewers. Listen to President explain that the economy sucks because of unemployed psychologists. Philosophy: College Read books by dead guys. Debate whether a tree falling alone in a forest will say, "Oh, f*ck! Not again!" Consider the ethical problems in the killing of annoying street mimes. Get failed by prof for not liking correct dead guy. Real Life Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee...at least five cups an hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. Be thankful you switched to comp sci, which pays better than being a dead philosopher. Math: College Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties with other mathematicians. Scream when they steal your work. Steal their work. Be a social outcast. Real Life See above. You work for the university. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 12:18:27 -0400 From: Craig Ehrlich Subject: To My Critics (offensive lang.) TO MY CRITICS When I am in a sober mood I worry, work and think When I am in a drunken mood I gamble, fight and drink But when all my moods are over And the world has come to pass I hope they bury me upside down So the world can kiss my ass ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 13:16:50 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: HUMOR - Graduate Students THE TOP TEN LIES TOLD BY GRADUATE STUDENTS 10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street. 9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article. 8. My work has a lot of practical importance. 7. I would never date an undergraduate. 6. Your latest article was so inspiring. 5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here. 4. I have one more book to read and then I'll start writing. 3. The department is giving me so much support. 2. My job prospects look really good. 1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years. YOU JUST MIGHT BE A GRADUATE STUDENT IF . . . . . . YOU CAN ANALYZE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF APPLIANCES YOU CANNOT OPERATE. . . . YOUR CARREL IS BETTER DECORATED THAN YOUR APARTMENT. (AND, I MIGHT ADD, YOU CAN SPELL "CARREL" CORRECTLY!) . . . YOU HAVE EVER, AS A FOLKLORE PROJECT, ATTEMPTED TO TRACK THE PROGRESS OF YOUR OWN JOKE ACROSS THE INTERNET. . . . YOU ARE STARTLED TO MEET PEOPLE WHO NEITHER NEED NOR WANT TO READ. . . . YOU HAVE EVER BROUGHT A SCHOLARLY ARTICLE TO A BAR. . . . YOU RATE COFFEE SHOPS BY THE AVAILABILITY OF OUTLETS FOR YOUR LAPTOP. . . . EVERYTHING REMINDS YOU OF SOMETHING IN YOUR DISCIPLINE. . . . YOU HAVE EVER DISCUSSED ACADEMIC MATTERS AT A SPORTING EVENT. . . . YOU HAVE EVER SPENT MORE THAN $50 ON PHOTOCOPYING WHILE RESEARCHING A SINGLE PAPER. . . . THERE IS A MICROFILM READER IN THE LIBRARY THAT YOU CONSIDER "YOURS." . . . YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A PREFERENCE BETWEEN MICROFILM AND MICROFICHE. . . . YOU CAN TELL THE TIME OF DAY BY LOOKING AT THE TRAFFIC FLOW AT THE LIBRARY. . . . YOU LOOK FORWARD TO SUMMERS BECAUSE YOU'RE MORE PRODUCTIVE WITHOUT THE DISTRACTION OF CLASSES. . . . YOU REGARD IBUPROFEN AS A VITAMIN. . . . YOU CONSIDER ALL PAPERS TO BE WORKS IN PROGRESS. . . . PROFESSORS DON'T REALLY CARE WHEN YOU TURN IN WORK ANYMORE. . . . YOU FIND THE BIBLIOGRAPHIES OF BOOKS MORE INTERESTING THAN THE ACTUAL TEXT. . . . YOU HAVE GIVEN UP TRYING TO KEEP YOUR BOOKS ORGANIZED AND ARE NOW JUST TRYING TO KEEP THEM ALL IN THE SAME GENERAL AREA. . . . YOU HAVE ACCEPTED GUILT AS AN INHERENT FEATURE OF RELAXATION. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 13:40:06 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World! Wandering Utah alligator ends up flying to Houston By STEVE OLAFSON Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle LAKE JACKSON -- Take an alligator named Max owned by a guy named Jonathon Winters, put them in the high country of Utah, and you have the makings of a comic opera. The third act came to a happy ending of sorts Thursday when Max, a 4 1/2 -foot-long alligator, was flown to Houston and taken to the San Bernard National Wildlife Refuge in Brazoria County while his owner, no relation to the zany comic, sat in a Salt Lake City jail cell. "We don't get many alligators in this arid mountain desert country," said Bob Standish of the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service in Utah. "It's been big news here." How Max arrived in Mormon country is unclear, but Utah law prohibits the importation of alligators. When police were told an alligator had escaped from a pen in a back yard in West Jordan, a Salt Lake City suburb, they seized the gator and hauled Winters, 25, to the hoosegow. Max spent 10 days at Hogel Zoo in Salt Lake City while wildlife officials figured out what to do. Texas appeared to be the closest alligator-friendly destination, and Delta Airlines offered free airfare. Winters told authorities he had bought Max for $250 from an acquaintance in Utah. "He said alligators are people, too," said West Jordan Police Capt. Randy Johnson. "Bless his heart, I guess everyone has his own little quirks." While that comment could lead some to believe Winters must be related to the comedian Jonathon Winters, who once starred in a movie called It's A Mad, Mad, Mad World, Johnson said that's unlikely. "They don't look anything alike," he said. "Jonathon Winters is a heavy-set white man and our Mr. Winters is a thin black man." Winters faces a number of charges, including an allegation of aggravated assault in connection with an argument with his landlord about Max. He is also accused of a firearms violation and some drug-related charges. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The difference between truth and fiction. Fiction has to make sense. Mark Twain ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 15:21:19 -0400 From: Cyn MacGregor Subject: varied All below taken from THE PRAIRIE RAMBLER. When TPR was quoting another source in turn, source given below item. A statute passed by the Virginia legislature in 1930 was titled "To Prohibit Corrupt Practices or Bribery by Any Person Other than Candidates." --L.M. Boyd, "Just So You'll Know" Quote from Dale Berra, son of Yogi: "The similarities between me and my father are different." --Ross and Kathryn Betras, "The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said Quote from Elizabeth Dole, speaking about Pres. Bush: "The President doesn't want any yes-men and yes-women around him. When he says no, we all say no." --Ibid At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on board. Of course the response was, "You have that much faith in your team?" "Well, not exactly," replied the man, "but if the plane were using my team's software, it would be unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off." --Tom Harrison A U.S. Army official, ordering preventative measures during an overseas typhoid epidemic, ordered, "All ice cubes will be boiled before using." --calendar, "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 16:00:20 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Barbs (special section on how to get rid of a live-in) The difference between airline pilots and jet engines is that jet engines stop whining at the gate. I'm trying to get to point B, but I can't find it on the map. Anyone know where it is? It's not their beliefs that turn me off to the major religions. It's their believers' behavior. I want to know how much vacation time Bill Clinton gets? It is a crazy world: The British press successfully forced an ex-mother-in-law to give a eulogy for Diana after she was killed along with her lover in an automobile accident. To the lady whose middle-age husband has gone off to find himself: I found him. Call me and I'll bring him back. How to get rid of a live-in boyfriend: To get rid of that live-in boyfriend, quit feeding him and make him sleep on the couch. Just tell the live-in boyfriend you are pregnant. The quickest way to get rid of a live-in boyfriend is to ask him for a commitment. A quick way to get rid of a live-in boyfriend: Go out on a date with another guy, and then bring him home with you. It's easy to get rid of a live-in boyfriend. Dial 911. The best way to get rid of a live-in boyfriend is to tell him you've lost your job. To get rid of a live-in boyfriend, insist on watching home shopping channels, especially when there is "an important game" on television. To get rid of a live-in boyfriend, take nuddie pictures of him. To get rid of a live-in boyfriend, talk about every detail of his behaviors on the phone to your girlfriends. Focus on unimportant, trivia details. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Sep 1997 to 6 Sep 1997 **********************************************