There are 10 messages totalling 747 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Yuppie-isms (and ain't-em's too) 2. Gone Fishing 3. Pardon Me! (adult) 4. Black Sheep (sexual) 5. Old lady! (adult) 6. diplomatic chat 7. BLUE MOVIE? long but worthwile 8. 20 Things Guys Learned From Action Movies 9. Various jokes with an Indian flavour - Part 3 10. mistakes happen (poss off to Alabamans) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 03:59:07 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Yuppie-isms (and ain't-em's too) I swear, the damn Yuppies are at it again. Now, they even try to impress everyone with their speech; not eloquent so much mind ya, but designed to disguise the truth. Well, I've broken their code, and present below some of their more commonly used phrases: * Fellow had his $ 180,000 "Snub-mobile" repossessed by the finance company. He told everyone that his "balance sheet required a reshuffling of proprietary interests." - - - - - * When the kids get out of control, you and I spank the lil' snot noses good and send them to their rooms. Yuppies, on the other hand, engage in "practical negative reinforcement." - - - - - * There was a famous educational book called "What Makes Sammy Run ?" still in use today. The schools in Columbia Maryland though all have copies of "The Motivational Research of Samuel's Potential." - - - - - * "Meat Loaf" -- forget that ! In the Yuppie kitchen it becomes "Recycled Prime Roast." - - - - - * Most young couples are so overjoyed to own their first home they gladly acknowledge that it's a bit bare at first until they can afford more furniture. The Yuppies ? They have "a considerable grasp of spatial values." - - - - - * Forced to sell an expensive Japanese camera for the cash, the Yuppie told everyone he "disposed of a segment of his foreign holdings." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (joke page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm (postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 11:14:27 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Gone Fishing A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under the ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under that ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have told you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God, trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replies. "Who are you then?", asks the drunk. "I am the manager of this hockey rink!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 11:30:24 +0200 From: Mohamed El-Nadi Subject: Pardon Me! (adult) A flat chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon," to her.=20 She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day the headline in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter Crushed by Two Torpedoes!" =A4=BA=B0`=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8=A4=BA=B0`=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8=A4=BA=B0= `=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8 Mohamed El-Nadi http://nadi.home.ml.org ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 11:26:16 +0200 From: Mohamed El-Nadi Subject: Black Sheep (sexual) A missionary was sent to the deepest, darkest part of Africa, and moved in with a primitive native tribe. He spent several years with the people, during which he particularly stressed was the evil of sexual sin... no adultery, no fornication! One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a child.=20 The child was white! This caused quite a stir in the village. The chief sent for the missionary, and said, "You have taught us the evils of sexual sin, but here is a black woman who gives birth to a white child. And you are the only white man in a distance of a five days walk! What is the explanation?" The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man, you are mistaken. This is a natural occurrence, what in English we call an albino. Nature does this on some occasions. For example, look there at that flock of sheep.=20 They are all white, except among them -- look there is one black sheep. Could you explain this to me?" The chief thinks it over for a while and then replies, "O.K. Tell you what father. You don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child." =A4=BA=B0`=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8=A4=BA=B0`=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8=A4=BA=B0= `=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8 Mohamed El-Nadi http://nadi.home.ml.org ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 11:35:03 +0200 From: Mohamed El-Nadi Subject: Old lady! (adult) A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-here? The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop answered, "Uh, yes ma'am, We do." The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" Well......... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big. "D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?" Yes ma'am, one of them does. W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?" =A4=BA=B0`=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8=A4=BA=B0`=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8=A4=BA=B0= `=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8 Mohamed El-Nadi http://nadi.home.ml.org ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 06:12:58 -0400 From: "C.J. Schaffer" Subject: diplomatic chat If Clinton and Yeltsin Held Their Summits in a Private On-line "Chat Room" PrezBubba: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Boris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} DRUNKBORIS: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} PrezBubba: What's up? DRUNKBORIS: nmh DRUNKBORIS: How's the knee? PrezBubba: They may have to amputate PrezBubba: <------just kidding DRUNKBORIS: lol PrezBubba: BTW, are you going to join NATO or not? DRUNKBORIS: no PrezBubba: : ( PrezBubba: age/sex check DRUNKBORIS 66/m PrezBubba: 51/m PrezBubba: come on....join NATO DRUNKBORIS: I WILL NOT JOIN NATO!!!!! PrezBubba: k PrezBubba: No need to yell PrezBubba: What about arms reduction? PrezBubba: well PrezBubba: ? PrezBubba: you there? DRUNKBORIS: <---sorry DRUNKBORIS: I got an IM from some borscht belt babe PrezBubba: kewl PrezBubba: Was she looking for some Cyber? DRUNKBORIS: No...just complaining about the rampant unemployment! Asking ME if I could do something about it! DRUNKBORIS: PrezBubba: LMAO PrezBubba: So are you gonna lose the jukes? DRUNKBORIS: jukes? PrezBubba: oops... PrezBubba: nukes DRUNKBORIS: yeah, sure....why not. : ) PrezBubba: wtg, Boris! DRUNKBORIS: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} PrezBubba: <---feels very diplomatic right now DRUNKBORIS: o.k. are we done cuz i wanna go to Best Lil Chathouse now PrezBubba: guess so...I'm going to AskFemaleAnything DRUNKBORIS: you're sick! PrezBubba: ; ) DRUNKBORIS: Anyway, c ya PrezBubba: peace, out. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 14:36:52 +0200 From: Soni Satish Datavia Subject: BLUE MOVIE? long but worthwile This is really long, but really worth it!!!! > > >THE TRUTH ABOUT THE SMURFS. > >It's time to tell the truth about Smurfs. > >You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams >and ambitions, >deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and >bad times. > >"But," people ask, "do Smurfs have..... you know,...... >*sex*?" > >The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! > >And why shouldn't they? They're people, too. > >What *most* people don't know is why Smurfs are blue. Well, >the reason >is because Smurfs only have sex once a year. > >Face it: if you had sex only once a year, you'd be blue, too. > >Once a year, in the Smurf village, flags and banners fly >happily in the >breeze, proclaiming that the day of the annual Smuckfest has >arrived. Birds >sing and the Sun comes out to watch, despite the >weatherSmurf's direst >predictions. > >I guess good ol' Mr. Sun is a voyeur. > >In the middle of town, Papa Smurf gives a brief speech >explaining the origin >of the Smuckfest; how Dr. C. Everett Koop came to the village >and warned all >the Smurfs about AIDS. Papa Smurf knew that no one made >condoms small >enough for a Smurf (even though everyone knows that all male >Smurfs are >uniformly well-hung, for their size), so he decreed that all >Smurfs would >only smuck one day a year. > >"Smucking one day a year will help us identify any diseases we >may transmit >to one another, and keep them from spreading to the animals in >the forest," >declaimed Papa Smurf. "Besides, it will give Smurfette a >chance to rest." > >Yes! Smurfette must rest. For, as everyone knows, Smurfette >is the only >female Smurf in the village, and after a full day of having >vigorous, rabid >sex with two hundred cunt-crazed little blue men, she needs a >break. > >So, on the appointed day, Papa Smurf bids everyone throw their >inhibitions >to the wind and immerse themselves in debauchery. And, as is >his privilege, >Papa Smurf throws out the first throe. > >At his signal, Smurfette unties the skintight blue band she >must use to >suppress her natural bustiness, and her astounding tits spring >forth into >the daylight. The Sun gleams lecherously on the smooth, blue >flesh, nipples >crinkling in the light of day from her soon-to-be-unbridled >lust. > >Then Smurfette shimmies out of her skirt and stands before the >crowd, naked >as the day she was born, save the spike-heeled white boots she >has donned >just for the occasion. Her long, blonde hair cascades down >her back and >lasciviously outlines her buttocks, clinging like a dirty old >man's gaze to >each curve and dimple. > >Her cunt winks lewdly from behind the golden shield of pubic >glory, already >glistening in mad anticipation of each and every raging rod it >would receive >that day. And receive them gladly it would, for hers is the >indefatigable >furburger, and she hungered for the sauce blended in the heat >of passion. > >Smurfette turns to Papa Smurf and lifts her stupendous breasts >with their >turgid nipples to his lips. He takes each one, in turn, into >his mouth, >where his tongue dances the Fabulous Fandango around the >areolae, as >Smurfette moans like a cat in heat. > >Then, when poor Smurfette can take no more, Papa Smurf drops >to his bony >little knees and sprinkles his magic deSmurfilating dust on >Smurfette's >engorged cunt lips. Presto! The lovely blonde braiding >material falls from >her, leaving her shaved smooth as a hard-boiled egg. > >"Oh, Papa Smurf!" she cries. "Encore!! Encore!!", as she >writhes in >anticipation of the Fabulous Furless Fandango danced 'round >her pulsating >pussy. > >Papa Smurf does not disappoint the damsel in distress; he >slides his hands >under her tight little blue ass and parts her moistness with >his thumbs. As >the hot, funky juices begin to run down his arms, he plunges >tongue-first >and tonsil-deep into her wiggling womanhood. Smurfette gasps >as the >talented tongue begins to do its magic, and her cunt clutches >at it like a >baby bird after a worm. > >Cradling his head to her crotch, Smurfette's hips begin to >slowly grind and >twitch, for Papa Smurf's tongue has unerringly found her >S-spot, and >Smurfette begins the slow, hot, agonizing rise to ecstasy. >"Oh, make me >smurf, baby, make me smurf!", she pants, each stroke of his >tongue causing >her to throb and clutch. > >As Smurfette's moans and cries rise in pitch higher and >higher, the crowd >gazes in amazement at the mighty mound of meat struggling to >escape from >Papa Smurf's pants. This, then, is the legendary Trouser >Titan, bulging >forth in a determined attempt to split the barrier. > >Just when Smurfette is certain that she will die from sheer >sensory >overload, Papa Smurf flings off his Levis and frees the >Magnificent >Heat-Seeking Moisture Missle from its cradle. Maddened with >blind lust, >Smurfette hurls Papa Smurf to the platform and leaps shrieking >into the air, >landing unerringly on his Titanic Totem. > >Suddenly filled, Smurfette's cunt explodes in a monster >orgasm, the force of >which propels her screaming into the air again and again, each >time >plummeting her onto the Potent Purple Pecker andtriggering >another climax. > >Before Smurfette can achieve orbit, Papa Smurf grab her legs >and pulls her >to the ground. Swiftly, he stands, pulling her to her knees. > Gasping in >awe, Smurfette gets a head-on view of his hard-on, glistening >in the light >like a war staff. > >The sight of this shining stud is too much for Smurfette, who >immediately >grabs both of Papa smurf's bulging balls in her hands and >pulls him to her >waiting mouth. With preternatural skill and primeval hunger, >Smurfette >devours the monster cock, licking and sucking like a starving >child with an >ice cream cone. > >His ass knotting like a sailor's anchor rope, Papa Smurf >pounds into >Smurfette's mouth with furious strokes. As he reaches his >blazing climax, >he forces Smurfette to take all thirteen and 7/8ths inches of >blue tube >steak and fires round after pulsing round of blue goo down her >ravenous >throat. > >"Hurray!!", shouts the crowd. "Now it's OUR turn!!" > >Suddenly the town square erupts with scenes of azure >carnality, as 200 tiny >blue asses appear in the sunlight. 200 raging cocks swarm >toward >Smurfette's waiting and ever-willing cunt, ready to make her >scream for >mercy as they scream for more. 400 bouncing balls follow each >other toward >the nearest available orifice, making Smurfette wish there >were more of her. > >Those lucky enough to find access to Smurfette's fabulous form >begin their >crazed humping, as others find their schlongs being stroked as >fast as she >can grab. Those whose time will come later are coming now, as >their friends >clutch lustily at their forbidden fruits, flinging frothy >fuck-foam far and >wide. > >Up the ass! Down the throat! Backhand, forehand, underhand, >in the armpit >or behind the knee, the Smurfs erupt in a display of orgasmic >prowess to >shame the most devoted student of the Kama Sutra. Soon the >street become >hazardous to navigate (and navigate one must), as the square >gets deeper and >deeper in the collective come. > >Hour after hour, the orgy rampages on. > >Gradually, as night falls, the screams of orgasmic ecstasy >turn to the moans >and sighs of deep contentment, with the occasional whimper >from an >over-enthusiastic sodomite. Soon all is quiet, as Smurf helps >Smurf back to >Home and Preparation H. Tubes of Chap-Stick are quickly >distributed to >soothe aching lips, and aloe gel is applied (as are lips, if >it is too >stimulating) to the citizen's members to ease the burning. > >As the exhausted (and completely sated) Smurfs lie in sexual >stupor, gentle >rains come (not them, too!) to wash away all traces of the >fleshfest that >was. > >And you wondered why Smurfs are always in such a good mood... >___________________________ >Satish Soni >Phone ( : 011-7737979 >E-mail : SatishS@transnet.co.za >"Fighting for peace is like @#$%ing for virginity" > > > > ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 09:02:52 -0400 From: Craig Ehrlich Subject: 20 Things Guys Learned From Action Movies > 20 Things Guys Learned From Action Movies > > 1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other > than > myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill > him with my bare hands. > > 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an > outfit > so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the > room. > > 3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to > go > to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are > physically attractive and under 25 years old. > > 4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not > only > won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me. > > 5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my > obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next > day. > > 6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they > will adore me. > > 7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she > will fall in love with me. > > 8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private > investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy. > > 9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of > us > dies, we will become best friends. > > 10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and > bearing > to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep > respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands. > > 11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I > will > never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. > When > people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' > which will be tended to by a beautiful woman. > > 12. If I'm white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one > white > guy if I'm black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me > halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of > violence. > > 13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a > beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly. > > 14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who > will gaze at me adoringly. > > 15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, > and gaze at me adoringly. > > 16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport > or > game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who > will > then try to kill me. > > 17. If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one > or > maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled > in > Karate and Ju-jitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one > last firearm hidden somewhere on my body. > > 18. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a > sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.' > > 19. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern > and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never > ask > when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never > do > those things either. > > 20. While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything > with > a motor recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seatbelt, > with > ammunition filling the passenger seat, and nothing will fall out of > place. Also, no police will ever catch me; they'll just look in > amazement in my direction. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 16:30:40 -0400 From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" Subject: Various jokes with an Indian flavour - Part 3 Taken (and adapted) from The Times Of India dated 28th September, 1997 (http://www.timesofindia.com/280997/edit12.htm) Q: What travels faster, heat or cold? A: Heat, because it is easy to catch a cold. Mom: Lalit, I thought I told you to watch for the milk boiling over. Lalit: I did Mom, it boiled over five minutes ago. - by Manoj Pandey, Varanasi Teacher: Nancy what is a cannibal? Nancy: I don't know maam. Teacher: Well, if you were to eat your parents, what would you be? Nancy: An orphan maam. Q: Why do we say, `he earns his bread...' when what we really mean is `he earns his money ...'? A: Because everybody `kneads' it. Q: Why are tall people lazier than short people? A: Because they're longer in bed. - by Neetu Juriasinghani, New Delhi Display board outside a women's wear shop: A good place to shop for women. - by Puneet Jain, Kanpur Two girls discussing the handsome new lecturer. ``He dresses so well,'' said the first. ``Yes, '' agreed the second. ``And so quickly too!'' Student: I is ...'' Teacher: No, you must say, I am Student: All right -- I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. One Mom to another First Mom: My boy is growing up, he wants to go out with girls. Second Mom: My boy is past that. He wants to stay indoors with them. - by Shahnaz Akhtar, Chapra ``Let me count the notes,''said the burglar to his companion, after looting a bank. ``Don't bother. The amount will be published in tomorrow's newspaper,'' said his companion. Doctor: I regret to say that the cheque you gave me has come back. Patient: So has my fever. Judge: Have you anything to offer the court before the sentence is passed on you? Prisoner: No sir, I had Rs 200 but my lawyer took it. - by R. Lakshmi, Calcutta Teacher: How can you say that animals have powerful eyes? Student: I've never seen them wearing glasses. Father: Sunil what would you like to be when you grow up? Sunil: A veterinary doctor. Father: Why, a veterinary doctor? Sunil: Because an animal can't complain of wrong treatment. - by Sunil Kulkarni, Bangalore Q: Where do you find cherries in ponds? A: In Pondicherry (a state(?) in Southern India) - by Chetan P. Kavi, New Delhi Manoj: I was sending a letter to my girlfriend almost everyday. Suresh: Then what happened? Manoj: She fell in love with the postman and got married! - by Sulabh Pani, Puri Q: Why did the absent-minded professor go out without wearing his pants? A: Because he had only a half-length mirror. - by Kunal Gautam, Noida Q: What did a sneezing champion win in the Olympics? A: A cold medal. Q: Where would you always find a helping hand? A: At the end of your arm. Q: Who is a diplomat? A: One who thinks twice before saying nothing. Q: Where does success comes before work? A: Only in the dictionary. Q: What is the full form of `Stupid'? A: Smart, talented, unique person in demand. If a guy opens the car door for his girl, either the girl is new or the car is. - by Neha Agrawal, Gaya Q: There are seven letters in an English word -- the first two letters stand for man, the first three for woman and first four for the brave man and all seven stand for brave woman, which is that word? A: Heroine. - by Mallikarjun Jirgi, Gulbarga * Sai X5098 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 15:53:51 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: mistakes happen (poss off to Alabamans) A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. = "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? One student in the back raises his hand. = The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience. The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost. The student replies, "Ghost?!?" "Dang it, I thought you said 'goats.'" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Oct 1997 to 2 Oct 1997 **********************************************