HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1997 to 3 Oct 1997 There are 11 messages totalling 317 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Me, you and Them 2. NEWS: MCI Acquired by Cyber Promotions 3. Moths & TGIF (off. to moths & blonds) 4. Diddling (adult) 5. Marv Albert (American sportcaster) joke 6. A Day Off? 7. Humor: suggestive 8. Red Skelton Remembered 9. Tony Blair's grave problem (poss. offensive to Tony Blair fans) 10. Wordology: Different Orgasms 11. School Rules ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 04:26:48 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Me, you and Them Most people aren't really clear on the differences between you and I, and everybody else. I thought maybe if I prepared a simple chart, it might help clear up the matter: I'M YOU'RE THEY'RE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Chatty Unusually Talkative A motor mouth Reflecting A little quiet Moody and sullen Righteously Indignant Annoyed and Insulted Fussing over nothing Reconsidering Changing your mind Going back on their word Neat Fussy Far too exacting Neighborly A little nosy A gossip A good shopper Thrifty A tightwad Sparkling Flamboyant An insecure show off Confident Slightly Boastful Egotistical Handsome Good featured OK, if ya like that type Subtle Not always clear Out of touch Busy Behind in your work Unable to cope A flirt A trifler An adulterer Witty Flip Insulting Firm Stubborn at times A Pig-Headed Fool www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 10:54:28 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: NEWS: MCI Acquired by Cyber Promotions Dateline-New York: Trading in MCI was temporarily halted today when a public announcement that Cyber Promotions had beaten out competition from Worldcomm and British Telecom to acquire MCI. CP reportedly won the bidding war by offering 650 billion shares in Cyber Promotions stock and a dozen cases of SPAM to each member of MCI's board. Wall Street was taken completely offguard by this development although it has been rumoured on the street that CP's president has been looking for a means to secure sufficient communication capacity to accomodate the corporation's present and future requirements. The merger will see the creation of SpaMCI. CP's president, contacted at company headquarters in Papua New Guinea, had no comment. Cyber promotions can be contacted at it's email address: Spamford@lawsuit.net ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 08:01:12 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Moths & TGIF (off. to moths & blonds) Little Moths The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile. "Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied. "But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!!!" ************************************************************************ TGIF A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only). She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 14:02:55 +0100 From: Juggy Subject: Diddling (adult) There was this girl who always diddled herself with a Pencil. Why? Because she could can rub it off with an eraser and start all over again. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 12:04:39 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Marv Albert (American sportcaster) joke I guess by now most Americans have heard about the Marv Albert trial, and his pleading guilty to a lesser charge. And then before the sun had set in the West NBC fired him. Have you heard the one about what happened moments after NBC gave Albert the pink slip? He put it on. (International readers: Marv Albert is most important in the USA for announcing professional basketball games for television. In his recent trial one witness said that the Mr. Albert liked to wear a garter belt and women's panties while in the company of other men and women). ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 12:33:41 -0400 From: Craig Ehrlich Subject: A Day Off? So you want the day off! Let's take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 48 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so you available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you're going to take that day off! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 13:28:47 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: Humor: suggestive A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections. One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 14:38:34 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Red Skelton Remembered October 1997 The world lost another wonderful clown the other week. Red Skelton left us to take his rest. He was 84. Skelton was best known for pantomimes, pratfalls and wacky characters like the Mean Widdle Kid and Freddie the Freeloader. He also used to do a pair of wisecracking seagulls called Gertrude and Heathcliff, he'd show their wings by tucking his hands under his armpits and flapping his elbows. Gertrude: Say, Heathcliff, have you seen any of the new 1998 cars yet? Heathcliff: Yup, I spotted one just the other day. "A clown is a warrior who fights gloom." --Red Skelton ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 14:34:23 PDT From: david jeffries Subject: Tony Blair's grave problem (poss. offensive to Tony Blair fans) Tony Blair was looking for a grave site. He asked about the price of one. "Five thousand punds Sir." "Oh, that's a bit expensive. Do you have a cheaper one?" "Well, yes, there's one down at the bottom of the hill, without the views. That will cost two thousand punds." "Do you have anything cheaper?" "Well, there is one behind the toilet block for two hundered pounds" "I'll take it" "But that isn't really befitting a prime minister of England." "That's OK. I'll only be needing it for three days." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 19:08:16 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Wordology: Different Orgasms Here's one to increase your vocabulary: Sex in a boat - oargasms Sex with a nerd - dorkgasms Sex at the entrance of your house - doorgasms Sex on the carpet or linoleum - floorgasms Sex at the supermarket - storegasms Sex with wild pigs - boargasms Sex at a Stephen King movie - horrorgasms Sex with a prostitute - whoregasms Sex with a storyteller - loregasms Sex with an accountant - boregasms Sex while sleeping - snoregasms Sex with Arthur - Dudley Mooregasms Sex with cartoon donkeys - eyoregasms Sex while broke - poorgasms Sex with a lion - roargasms Sex for hours and hours on end - soregasms Sex on a golf course - foregasms Sex with a nymphomaniac - ready for moregasms Sex in a gold mine - oregasms Sex with a dermatologist - poregasms Sex with a vice president - Al Goreasms Sex on the beach - shoregasms Sex at an all you can eat buffet - smoregasbordgasms Sex in Asia - Singaporegasms Sex on the way to a train - all aboardgasms Sex that isn't very satisfying - there's the doorgasms Sex during hay fever season - sporegasms Sex with a cookie - oreogasms Sex with a meat eater - carnivoregasms Sex with a vegetarian - vegegasms ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 16:12:15 -0700 From: Roger Taranto Subject: School Rules On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so, too, the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. "Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1997 to 3 Oct 1997 **********************************************