There are 10 messages totalling 437 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Hospitals 2. Humor:Medical warning 3. Hunter 4. Indian History - A must read. 5. Mehr Deutsch (More German) 6. journalism 7. The Rat Race 8. Flying (short essay) 9. da-da-duh! 10. Adam & Eve (inoff) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 03:18:41 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Hospitals * Hopefully, they were playing a hand of poker, waiting for the anesthesia to work, but the last thing I remember before my last operation was my surgeon saying, "Alright, who can open." - - - - - * Two little boys were discussing their hospital experiences. The older one asked "Are you medical or surgical ?" The other little boy said, "I don't know. How can you tell ?" "Well," replied the more savvy of the two, "were you sick when you were admitted, or did they make you sick after you got here ?" - - - - - * One of the nicest and most sincere cards I got when I was in the hospital was one that simply said "Get well Quick". It was from Blue Cross and Blue Shield, my medical insurer. - - - - - * One doctor to another in hospital corridor: "I usually take two aspirin every four or five patients." - - - - - * The doctor was trying to encourage a gloomy patient. "You're not in any real danger." he said. "Why I've had the same thing myself." "I see." moaned the dour faced man. "But did you have the same doctor ?" - - - - - * Overheard from another room, where there was a seven year old boy receiving his medicine from a Nurse: "Johnny, we prefer to call this medication rather than a 'fix'." - - - - - * Patient to Nurse: "No, I don't feel listless. In fact, if I felt that good, I wouldn't even be here." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (joke page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm (postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 23 Sep 1997 02:35:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor:Medical warning The American Medical Association announced today a sharp increase in U.S. deaths related to sclerosis of the brain. Doctors attributed the increase to the alarming spread of excessive thinking among U.S. citizens between the ages of 18-55. Playing no favorites among gender, social, racial, or economic groups, Heavy Thinking, as it was referred to by the AMA, represents the greatest threat to society since Gutenberg's invention of the printing press. With little information to go on, medical authorities have no idea what initiated the phenomenal spread of Heavy Thinking. One bit of information they do have, outside the 18-55 age group Heavy Thinking is virtually nonexistant leading experts to believe youth and old age offer some inherent protection against this dreaded syndrome. On the Hill today, in response to the AMA announcement, congressional leaders expressed their shock and dismay. In the largest swell of bipartisan support since last week's vote on congressional pay increases, Senators and Congressmen lined up to the microphones to express their concerns and recommendations for immediate legislative action. Many took time to voice their personal support for those afflicted with HT. It was often the poignant moment when a legislator would relate his or her own personal experience involving themselves or family members brought under seige by HT. For its part, the White House voiced equal concern. At present, White House Office of Management and Budget is preparing an emergency proposal urging lawmakers to consider an immediate amendment to this year's budget appropriating an additional $1.5 billion for research into finding the cause(s) of HT plus an additional $1.0 billion for the care and maintenance of those already afflicted. While details of the proposal have not yet been released, White House insiders say the proposal will include a list of actions that, if implemented immediately, may help stem HT's rapid growth and potentially save hundreds of thousands of lives. Some of those actions are; conducting random IQ tests among the general population (Congress would be exempted) to identify potential victims or those individuals afflicted with HT who have not yet come forward; develop new guidelines for PBS television stations placing greater emphasis on programming 1970's sitcom reruns; allow the general public to participate in government sponsored civil employee training programs; revamp national education standards to place greater focus on classroom reading of comic books and the back of cereal boxes. Industry is still assessing the potential impact on commerce threatened by HT. Primarily through employee awareness and assistance programs, U.S. corporations have for years now been quietly dealing with the implications of HT, but last year's increase clearly caught them offguard. From CEOs down to first line supervisors, corporate management has made it very clear they can't have just anyone working for them. One corporate CEO who refused to be identified stated, "The Socratic method of inquiry has no business in business! It's my way or the highway!". Another said, "Descartes be damned, you are what I think you are!". Always quick to jump on the band wagon, the entertainment industry is expected to provide similar reactions after lunch. -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Even if I understood women, I doubt that I'd believe it ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 09:44:15 -0400 From: Craig Ehrlich Subject: Hunter > > In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly > > confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot > > the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he > > could. > > > > The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a > > very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. > > > > Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in > > rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, > and > > exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion'!" > > > > The sky darkened and there were lightning in the air. Just a few > feet > > short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced > around, > > somewhat confused. > > > > Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, > > > > "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 10:37:25 -0400 From: Joydeep Mitra Subject: Indian History - A must read. The following is taken from The Times of India dated Sunday 6 July 1997: A new history of India One of the nice things about being married to a school teacher is that it allows you to keep in nostalgic touch with your own school days. There are other advantages, of course. Besides having a professional to supervise the kids' homework, it gives me unlimited access to quality raw material for my chosen field of leisure activity: My hobby is collecting devils. No, not the kind you are thinking about, but those that appear so frequently in our school textbooks and student worksheets. Therefore, it rather helps to have a resident school ma'am. The method is as simple as sampling a samosa. I cut, paste and string together all the spicy printer's, author's, typesetter's devil, and student mistakes, misspells, misquotes and malapropisms. The `mixture' makes for wildly unexpected results, as my latest collection below will show. I call it the ``New History of India''. The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases. Who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-daro. These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them. Ancient India was full of myths which have been handed down from son to father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors. In olden times there were two big families in India. One was called the Panda and the other was called the Kaurava. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as Mera Bharat Mahan. In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis. The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana. But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines. Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time. He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shake Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However, after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi, so they are calling it Door Darshan. After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clipper. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side. Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period. They were great expotents and impotents. They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted to produce his own salt. This was called the swedish moment. During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles. In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he became the father of the nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootoing our country. In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population. Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis. Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand. So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark. At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag. Recently in India, there have been a large number of scams and a plaque. it can be dangerous because many people died of this plaque in Surat. Scams are all over India. One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader. The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerland. In this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot. Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left, right and centre. It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself. India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 10:43:11 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Mehr Deutsch (More German) I forwarded yesterday's post about the German highway sign, "GUT FAHRT," to a colleague. This is her response. > Reminds me of the first sentence I had to read aloud in German class at IU. > I almost couldn't do it, but went ahead on faith that it meant something > else! > > "Ich fahrt alein nach Berlin." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 17:52:06 +0200 From: Persson Mattias Subject: journalism This is somethings swedish and other journalists have said before thinking what they said "It looks dark on the Cameroon bench" Bosse Hansson, soccer world cup USA 94 in the game between Sweden and Cameroon "You finished the race at great fart" A journalist interwieving skiracer Procororov after a race at the world championchips in Trondheim last year "And the swedes take out the negro and puts the gipsy on!" Bulgarian commentator in a soccergame between Sweden and Bulgaria *********************************** *Mattias Persson * *email:mattias.persson@arosnet.se * *http://www.gif.arosnet.se * *********************************** ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 12:24:58 -0600 From: Paul Ostrof Subject: The Rat Race The thing about the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat. -Lilly Tomlin ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 15:35:25 -0400 From: Bruce Cameron Subject: Flying (short essay) (From The Cameron Column) With the economy booming from Al Gore's fund raising efforts, more and more Americans are enjoying the experience of flying on our national airlines. I use the word "enjoy," as in, "The man enjoyed having the walrus lie on top of him," or, "the crowd enjoyed their food poisoning." Flight enjoyment begins with the "pre-boarding process." Literally translated, this means "to board the aircraft prior to boarding the aircraft." First class passengers are invited to preboard so they can settle in and practice their smug expressions for when you and the rest of the Flintstones struggle past them to join the crowd of second class citizens in the back. Families with small children also preboard, so that by the time the plane is loaded their kids will have used up all their toys and be ready for the first volley of shrieking. I don't preboard, but I am one of the last people left on the planet who checks his luggage. I do this to insure my suitcase will arrive in Des Moines exactly at the same time as I land in Cleveland. Everybody else lugs their stuff onto the aircraft and crams it on top of your suitcoat in the overhead bin. Much grunting and isometric exercise accompanies this effort, along with comments like "I think...grunt...I can just...grunt...oh no," and, "I hope my chicken will be okay up there." Once everyone is seated and you have lost the battle for the armrests with the people squeezed in on either side of you, the plane will roll about thirty yards and then stop on the pavement for an hour. This is called "preheating the passengers" During take off I usually find it helpful to scream "OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO CRASH!" a couple of times, though I've sort of given this up since they started issuing pepper spray to the flight attendants. To relax, I put on the fake headphones and listen to the pilot's dialogue over the radio. You have to admit, despite the fact that the take off is the most dangerous part of the trip, those guys up front are pretty level-headed about it. Their conversation usually goes like this: PILOT: "Well, I see that we've got a fire in the port engine, what do you know." CO-PILOT: "I'm bored." PILOT: "Me too. I'm so bored I can't keep my eyes open." CO-PILOT: "Oh yeah? Well I'm so bored I'm going to unbuckle my seatbelt and lie down." PILOT: "Well I'm so bored I'm going to open the window and crawl out on the wing." CO-PILOT: "You'd better do it on the starboard wing because the port wing just exploded." PILOT: "Ha Ha." After take off, the passengers settle in for a series of public service announcements. You are invited to hold your seatbelt over your head and buckle it, which I have always found to be impossible. You are told that in the event of a "sudden depressurization" (meaning, a hole opens in the side of the airplane and sucks everyone out) little plastic hats will fall from the ceiling and bean you on the forehead. What, to make the depressurization more interesting? Then you're informed that food and beverage service will begin just as soon as the flight crew stops laughing over the fact that people are really going to eat it. Everyone makes fun of airline food, possibly because it is inedible. I have always harbored an anonymous affection for it, however, mainly because it allows me to play the game "guess my meat." My favorite airplane meal is the breakfast special: Cheese Extrusion Plus a Piece of Something Which May Once Have Been Alive. I also enjoy Cobweb Pita and Fajitas De Yuck. Landings are usually characterized as "uneventful" (meaning, no flames.) To me, though, falling out of the sky at 200 miles an hour and hitting the pavement is extremely eventful, and I usually can't stop weeping for a couple of days afterward. I feel like everyone should be pointing at me and whispering: "Look, that's the guy who was FLYING." To subscribe e-mail majordomo@cwe.com with the words "subscribe cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 15:56:42 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: da-da-duh! When I worked in summer campus in my younger days, we sang this little ditty, the tune of which I cannot name: In the boarding house where I lived, Everything was growing old. There was hair upon the butter, And the cheese had turned to mold. When the dog died, we had hot dogs. When the cat died, catnip tea. When the landlord died, I moved out; Spareribs were too much for me. Tune: daaaah - da-da - da-da-da - daaaaah - da, etc. :-) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 14:38:24 -0700 From: Larry Saunders Subject: Adam & Eve (inoff) After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'" -- Larry K. Saunders Systems & Instructional Technologist The Graziadio School of Business and Management Pepperdine University PH:310/568.5500 FAX:310/568.5727 ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Oct 1997 to 5 Oct 1997 **********************************************