There are 10 messages totalling 531 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Braggart 2. Sick - reprise 3. College Daze 4. A Southerner Moves North (offensive language) 5. HUMOR List Traffic Report 6. Will Rogers (Not Offensive) 7. Barbs: Living proof that people can be too damn cynical 8. It's A Wacky World! 9. Shiny Metal Robot 10. a religious saga ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 01:40:19 -0800 From: Jack Kolb Subject: The Braggart >From: CircleJoke The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." Jack Kolb Dept. of English, UCLA kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 09:58:42 +0000 From: Nik Makepeace Subject: Sick - reprise On Mon, 3 Nov 1997, Mike Rae wrote: > Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? > > A: He works it out with a pencil. Q: And what did he find? A: It was a natural log ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 06:44:54 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: College Daze * A college professor outlined, at length, the nature of a rather brutal mid-term exam. He concluded his remarks by asking if anyone had any questions regarding the exam. For more than several minutes, the class sat in stunned silence, as each one wondered if anyone could pass such a test. Finally one brave soul asked, "Do you accept bribes ?" - - - - - * In a science course discussion of the structure of the atom, one instructor noticed a coed who apparently hadn't read any of the assignment, as the expression on her face indicated she was having difficulty understanding. His suspicions were confirmed when he asked her what a "neutrino" was. She thought for a few seconds with a guilty, wistful look on her face, then suggested hopefully, "An Italian neutron ?" - - - - - * These days, all colleges seem to have a policy of "save the jocks" at all costs. One star football player was called before the Dean, since he was about to lose his eligibility unless something could be done. The Dean said, "How exactly do you explain these grades: one C, one D, and three F's ?" "Well sir," replied the student with downcast eyes, I guess I done spent too much time on two of them subjects." - - - - - * One Vassar professor confessed to a colleague he considered himself quite the debonair dude until he received a Christmas card from one of his students addressed to "My Favorite Father Figure". - - - - - * The University of Maryland football coach started off with a pre-game pep talk like most coaches: "Well, here we are, unbeaten, untied and unscored upon -- and getting ready for our first game." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 07:59:31 -0600 From: Greg Maes Subject: A Southerner Moves North (offensive language) January 10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season, and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It is beautiful. January 11, we woke to a lovely blanket of crystal snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later a county snow plow came along and accidentally covered our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved and shoveled again. January 12, it snowed an additional five inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly after, the snow plow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray. January 13, warmed enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought some snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing broke. Move snow and ice expected. January 14, still cold, sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guard rail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another eight inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snow plow came by twice today. January 15, two degrees outside, more fuckin' snow. Not a tree of shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burnt the house down. I managed to put out the flames, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car slid on the ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled. January 16, goddamn mother fucking white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snow plow I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for our driveway to be shoveled again. Power still off. Toilets are frozen and part of the roof has started to cave in. January 17, six goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' sleet and fuckin' ice and God knows what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snow plow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind-chill minus 22 fuckin' degrees. I'm moving back to North Carolina. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 09:06:29 -0500 From: Jim Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report Hi, everyone! This is Jim, with this week's Traffic Report. Every week I send this report to the contributors, and once a month I send it to the entire list. Welcome to November. Those of you in the northern hemisphere are experiencing the weather getting colder and the leaves on the trees changing color, falling to the ground, and concealing whatever lies below them. Wouldn't it be nice to be hidden from whatever it is you wouldn't want to know who or where you are? In this day and age, privacy, especially on the Internet, is not always easy to achieve. Not long ago I received an email from someone who asked me point-blank how to search the listserver for addresses registered to it. I politely turned him down. But the short and simple truth is, it can be done. There is a wall you can put up, though: you can conceal your subscription. Note that the numbers of subscribers below "include both concealed and non-concealed" addresses. If you're one of the 636 (as of this week) concealed subscribers, the only thing we know about you is that you're subscribed, and your domain. (.com, .org., .edu, etc...) Otherwise we don't know how to reach you directly. If you don't want someone searching the listserver for your email addresses, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR CONCEAL. For those of you on the posters' list, you can conceal that, too, by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR-P CONCEAL. Of course, posting to the list will reveal your email address to all readers, but that's another problem altogether. If you'd like to join the elite ranks of contributors, you must first take a short exam. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE and follow the instructions there. We're a little bit (although not much) more fair than the Top 5 List. And finally, if you'd like to get off the list, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR. We'll be sorry to see you go. All commands go in the body of your message. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. You can email me at jimphynn@mindspring.com (I'm not concealed...), visit my home page at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn, or visit HUMOR's website at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html (note to our non-American-schooled subscribers: there is exactly one U in the spelling of "humor.") Have a great month! Traffic Report for HUMOR, 26 October - 1 November (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 26 Sunday 7 4 4 5 6 27 Monday 19 11 10 14 10 28 Tuesday 13 14 10 11 12 29 Wednesday 10 9 13 12 17 30 Thursday 11 13 12 14 12 31 Friday 14 12 12 10 12 1 Saturday 10 5 4 6 6 Average 12.0 9.7 9.3 10.3 10.7 Subscriptions 8 801 8 766 8 613 8 590 8 700 Countries 103 103 103 103 103 Contributors 719 713 716 713 711 These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board, area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed and non-concealed subscribers. HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium, Belize, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Quebec, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe Total countries: 103 Email me if your country is not listed here. The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address. ----- And now for my usual contribution of humor: Subject: But isn't that name more appropriate for a son? Excerpted from the book _Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest,_ (c) 1996 by John J Kohut and Roland Sweet George and Tina Rollason of York, Pennsylvania, named their daughter Atheist Evolution Rollason. Said George: "There's so many people named Christian or Christine. This is just one person named Atheist. What the heck's the difference?" ----- Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 09:28:44 EST From: PADLEO S Subject: Will Rogers (Not Offensive) THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID (And probably wishes he had) --My doctor calls it Rheumatism, but Im prefer to think of it as "twinges in the hinges." --Middle age is the time of life when everything starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. --The news reported yesterday that someone had turned up missing. Well for heaven's sake, if he "turned up," how could be be missing? --The one book that always has a sad ending is the check book. --Visitors from "The Society to Beautify our Neighborhood" came by our house yesterday. They asked my wife to keep me indoors as much as possible. --Sometimes a movie hero is the one who sits through it. --If you're good in this life you'll merit everlasting bliss-- if not, you merit an everlasting blister. --The only way you would know that my Dad has a glass eye is if it comes out in the conversation. --The resident psychiatrist at Yellowstone Park uses sleeping bags instead of couches. .............................<0>................................... Doug's Joke Book ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 11:06:07 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Barbs: Living proof that people can be too damn cynical Decoding home-for-sale language: When its says "quaint and cozy," think old and small. A "partially wooded lot" means one tree. Usually a sapling. If the ad says the house has a "panoramic view," it means it has a really, really steep driveway. My cousin Hank is really confused. He had a sex change operation and then became a lesbian. I am a real man and I do all the housework. The only problem is that six months later, I have it to do all over again. Work is the curse of the drinking class. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? I'm just thankful that I married a man who didn't need Louis Farrakhan or Bill McCartney to tell him that he needed to keep his promises. Isn't it funny how those so called "concerned citizens" who picket porn shops, leave gun shops in the same neighborhood alone. If they cut off your electricity, gas or water do they use a "utility knife?" I have a friend who's so obnxious that a telemarketer hung up on him. One Halloween trick or treater showed up at my door dressed as an IRS agent. It was very authentic; he took 40 percent of our candy. Sometimes I think I'm undecided, and then sometimes I'm not so sure. A sure way to test your kids' mathematical skills is to shortchange them on their allowances. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 13:17:52 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: It's A Wacky World! Thanks to: mariotti@iafrica.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GERIATRIC LOVERS DEFY LAW TO WED A Man, 92, faces jail, $ 1,170 fine and $ 33,350 in legal fees because he eloped with his 84-year-old girlfriend. The romance of Charles Barnes and Connie Driscoll has ended in court because her relatives and the conservators of her $ 1,300,000 estate claim Barnes violated a court order barring anyone from moving her from a nursing home in northern California, Barnes admits that he spirited Driscoll out of the home on the pretext of taking her to lunch. They then flew to Los Angeles where they were married. He then checked her into a nursing home. "I just want to be with the woman I love," he said. "This is all hooey. I'm no Casanova." Source: The Telegraph, London ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (He just wanted to make an honest woman out of her). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Billy Bob: My grandfather lived to be 90. Jim Bob: Ninety? What finally got him? Billy Bob: Liquor and women. Jim Bob: That shows they'll get you in the end. Billy Bob: No -- he couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 18:35:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Shiny Metal Robot WARNING: Racist Joke. Very UN-PC Shiny metal robot Fred decides one day to go for a round of golf. He turns up at the club, pays his money and then asks where he can get someone to caddy for him. "Sorry, Sir," says the secretary, "being Saturday, everyone's out already. "However, seeing Fred's crestfallen expression, he continues "You can take out the shiny metal robot if you like." So, they bring out the shiny metal robot. It picks up Fred's clubs and follows him outside. Fred goes up to the first tee and is about to swing when the shiny metal robot coughs politely. "Sir," says the Shiny Metal Robot, "I feel I must point out that you are standing too close to the ball. If you take a step backwards, the ball will travel much straighter." Fred shrugs and takes a step backwards. He hits the ball and indeed it flies straight and lands on the fairway. Fred is amazed. So, Fred and the shiny metal robot trundle up to the ball. "Give me a 5 iron please", says Fred. "Sir," says the Shiny Metal Robot, "if you use a 5-iron, as you can see from the way the wind is blowing the trees it will blow your ball way off course. I suggest a 6-iron instead." Fred takes the 6 instead and indeed the ball sails across to land on the green. They walk across to the ball and Fred is about to putt. "Sir," says the shiny metal robot, "you will find you get much better control if you move your right hand down a bit." Fred obeys without question and [plunk] straight into the hole. The round continues like this, and Fred has the best day's golf he's ever had. The following Saturday, Fred turns up at the club again. "I don't want any old caddy, " he says to the secretary, "I want the shiny metal robot." "Sorry Sir," says the secretary. "We had to get rid of it." "Why?!" cries Fred. "Well, Sir, he was so shiny that other people were being put off their game by the light glinting off his shiny metal body." "Surely you could have solved that by painting him black?" Fred asks. "Oh, yes, that's what we did," says the secretary. "Then he kept coming in late, and things started going missing..." -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . It takes principal to have principle. ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 22:19:23 -0500 From: Gail Katz Subject: a religious saga Seymour and Sammy had been partners in a dress manufacturing business for years. Their relationship, in and out of the shop, was cordial. Sammy lived on the West Side and Seymour in Brooklyn. Seymour's doctor thought he looked overly tired and suggested he move to Manhattan nearer to the business. His friend, Sammy, located an apartment for him a few blocks from his house. A few weeks later, on Yom Kippur, Seymour was walking to the synagogue to attend services. On the way, he passed a sea-food restaurant. He casually glanced in and was shocked to see his partner, Sammy, sitting at a table near the window eating oysters! He couldn't contain himself! He rushed in and with a voice quivering with emotion, blurted out, "Sammy, my partner and pal for thirty years! I cannot believe my eyes! Not only are you not in the synagogue and fasting, but you are eating oysters yet!" "Nu, so what's to get excited, Seymour?" said Sammy calmly. "What's the matter, there's no "R" in Yom Kippur?" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Nov 1997 to 5 Nov 1997 **********************************************