There are 8 messages totalling 273 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Girl Talk 2. Definition 3. You might be a Republican if... (offensive to Republicans) 4. Will Rogers (Not Offensive) 5. More on drinking (sexist?) 6. Barber 7. More Drunkards 8. Knights of the round table (suggestive) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 6 Nov 1997 04:58:28 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Girl Talk * "My professional and my personal lives have become way too intertwined." the stewardess told her fellow stew. "Last night my husband nudged me awake, and began to make love. Without giving it a thought, I said, 'Welcome Aboard'." - - - - - * "Oh Gloria, you've just got to tell all." said the girl to her friend, after she had spent the night with a TV evangelist. "Well, let's just leave it go at this..." Gloria replied. "His viewing audience isn't the only thing he overstates the size of." - - - - - * Two Yuppettes were enjoying a liquid lunch and an exchange of confidences. "Be honest now Maria," said the one, "is your sex life still the same after five years of marriage." "Oh, surely." Maria replied, "Weak in and Weak out." - - - - - * "Harry is just too much the pilot." the stewardess confided to a sister crew member the morning after their layover. "When he attempted a second take-off with me last night, he couldn't gain any altitude at all." - - - - - * "I tell ya Marge, Dennis tells me I should be grateful for his having brought me to four climaxes the other night." "Well, aren't you ?" her friend asked, puzzled. "I'm not so sure. He's a video taping buff and three of the four were replays." - - - - - * "You're always so mean to your husband." the senorita told the matador's wife. "I should think you'd be proud." "Oh sure. Shows how much you know. Pedrito has been awarded bulls' ears, tails, and hooves. If just once he'd get some part he could really use !" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Nov 1997 12:45:01 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Definition This was inspired by Jim Moore's posting: NEUTRINO: A Neutered Italian (It may be personal, but I shudder at the thought) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Nov 1997 10:40:14 -0500 From: Cissy Hartley Subject: You might be a Republican if... (offensive to Republicans) (This list is dedictaed to one of our regular posters) You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend" You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty. You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something. You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches." You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey." You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense. You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance." You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit... You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love. You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values." You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969. You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America. You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me." You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser. You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve." You've ever called education a luxury. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle. You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable. You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker. You're afraid of the "liberal media." You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...." You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers. You think all artists are gay. You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society." You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Nov 1997 11:09:23 -0500 From: Doug McNees Subject: Will Rogers (Not Offensive) THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID (But probably wishes he had) --You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one. --If dogs can think, how can we account for their love of man? --Maybe the reason we have traffic problems is because the traffic has become as dense as the drivers. --A person isn't really educated unless he has learned how little he already knows. --Many self-made men made their heads oversize. --One solution to the energy problem is to bale up all the Government red tape and use it for fuel. --Sign on a company bulletin board: "To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. --Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste a little bit like chicken? ................................<0>............................... Doug's Joke Book ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Nov 1997 13:43:59 -0500 From: Robert Bragner Subject: More on drinking (sexist?) Maurizio said >A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank >her. Women drive men to drink and then refuse to drive them back. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Nov 1997 18:16:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Barber From: kheebner@juno.com A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop. -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . I can walk on water, but on alcohol I tend to stagger. ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 7 Nov 1997 10:22:10 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: More Drunkards A policeman calmly interrupted a wayward drunk trying to get his door keys to fit into the street lamp. "I guess no one's home",said the policeman. The drunk says "Nope,I can see a light glowing upstairs"!! Chalapathi B-) "Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Nov 1997 21:58:56 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: Knights of the round table (suggestive) Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi- colored banners...and the band played appropriate music. Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen." steven ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Nov 1997 to 7 Nov 1997 **********************************************