There are 16 messages totalling 627 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. chemistry joke 2. Jewish Parrot Joke 3. Definitions 3/3 4. The Good Old Days (The Fifties) 5. Wilbert and Santa (adult language, poss off) 6. Mark Twain Quotes (3 of 3) 7. Humor - Key To Bondage (kinky) 8. Pinocchio 9. Star Trek Fan 10. More defs -- even more off to lawyers 11. the farm hand 12. Ventriloquist (offensive to rednecks) 13. Scientists support legend of St. Nicolas 14. Surd-Times : The HairCut 15. Half-witted observations about the lives we live 16. MICROSOFT Acquires Christmas ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 07:13:02 +0000 From: Joe Clark Subject: chemistry joke I teach biochemistry to medical students. The other day I went into lecture and said to the students that I had heard a joke about the periodic table, but forgot the joke. I told them it was the perfect joke because it had all the right elements in it.!!! Explanation: the periodic table is made up of atoms or AKA elements. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 02:16:18 -0500 From: Michael Pollak Subject: Jewish Parrot Joke Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one day wishing something wonderful would change his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk... vus machst du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a schlmiel...eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "Vuh den? Chinese maybe?" In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be a schlmiel," the parrot replied. "You know what odds we'll get for Yom Kippur?!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 12:06:06 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Definitions 3/3 SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts. STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also, SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala. TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative. UNEMPLOYMENT: An intelligent alternative to overwork. VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace (A rare species, though). WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance. X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be colour-blind hemophiliacs. ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 05:17:02 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: The Good Old Days (The Fifties) * In the 50's we used to say that "The Atomic Age is here to stay"... These days though, ya gotta wonder if we are * Movies have to be exciting now to draw people and make money... They start with the end of everything, then work up to a climax * In the good old days women stayed at home and kept house... Now, they're in the House AND the Senate * There was "downsizing" in the good old days too... Back then it meant a woman dieted and dropped a dress size or two * In the good old days I got toys for Christmas... Now, I not only get clothes, but... I want them * The term "Mad Money" used to mean a woman's hidden cash assets... Now, it refers to a psychiatrist's fee * Years ago, colleges were know as "Fountains of Knowledge"... Well, they're still "fountains", but now all that flows is alcohol * "Lover's Leap" meant a mountain where the jilted committed suicide... These days though, it's the distance between the twin beds * I remember when parents hated Rock 'n Roll, then I despised Disco... And just when I thought it couldn't get worse, along came Rap * In the good old days, I was young and foolish... Now, I am old and foolisher * Women used to go the doctor to see if they could have a baby... Now, they gotta check with the landlord first * Back then we had leaders who could change the course of history... With today's apathy, it's a student taking an exam who does that - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 09:05:34 -0600 From: Richard Linton Subject: Wilbert and Santa (adult language, poss off) This appeared last year and I thought it deserved a repost (appolgies to the original poster, whomever it may be). There is adult oriented language in this joke. As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her. Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate." "I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try." Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear. Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word. What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magick Santa Claus had used on Wilbert. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say? Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to kick the living piss out of you!' " ____________________________________________________ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 10:17:56 -0500 From: Sue Sevin Subject: Mark Twain Quotes (3 of 3) Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up. Wrinkes should merely indicate where smiles have been. Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have someone to divide it with. Optimist: day-dreamer more elegantly spelled. Happiness ain't a thing in itself-it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. It is curious--curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare. The lack of money is the root of all evil. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. A southerner talks music. Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off tull day-after-tomorrow just as well. Shut the door. Not that it lets in the cold but that it lets out the cozyness. "Classic." A book which people praise and don't read. There are three kinds of lies: lies, dammed lies, and statistics. Get your facts first...then you can distort 'em as much as you please. Against the assult of laughter nothing can stand. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 09:49:33 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Key To Bondage (kinky) Thanks to:"Maurizio Mariotti" ALL FUN AND GAMES London - Fire-fighters thought they had caught an escaped convict when a man walked into their station in handcuffs, a military uniform and covered in mud, a fire spokesman said yesterday. But a call to his girlfriend revealed the embarrassed "prisoner" had been "having a bit of fun" with her when the key went missing, said station officer Mick Rowlands at Kidderminster fire station, Worchestershire, in central England. (Sapa-AFP) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (A military uniform? Has black studded leather gone out of fashion?) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 11:22:30 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Pinocchio One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need." A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 13:28:34 -0700 From: Janelle Barker Subject: Star Trek Fan (http://acm.org/~cgrosvenor/1980/partrek.html) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Star Trek Fan Sung to the tune of "Sharp Dressed Man" by ZZ Top, parody lyrics by Chris Pyhtila Starfleet uniform A signed photograph of Michael Dorn Tricorder at my side Wore black when Roddenberry die-yie-yied! They run away just as fast as they can Cause ev'ry girl's frightened of a Star Trek Fan Bowl cut, pointed ears Been speakin Klingon for eleven years Com link, Federation pin I'm steppin out to a convention again I surf the Internet as much as I can 'Cause that's the place you'll find a lot of Star Trek Fans The episodes I memorized I call my car the Starship Enterprise My dates don't seem to work Maybe I act too much...like Captain Kiiiirk I guess that I should get a different plan I don't have a life cause I'm a Star Trek Fan ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 15:39:11 -0500 From: Robert Bragner Subject: More defs -- even more off to lawyers LAWYER: A human being constructed like a fair die [the singular of "dice", look it up] in that as he [or she, let's not be sexist about this] is equally likely to lie on any side. LAWYER: One skilled in circumvention of the law. ... ambrose... bierce... devil... dictionary ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 16:42:48 -0500 From: C and R Subject: the farm hand There was a woman who lived on a farm...her husband had died about a year before, and she couldn't manage the farm on her own. She hired a farmhand....things were working out well...He could handle all of the farm animals well, knew how to do all the repairs, and kept the place in excellent shape. One night he was out late, and when he got back to the farm the widow called him into the bedroom. She said "take off my dress", and he did.....Now take off my shoes...He does as she ask. Now take off my bra and panties...he does. And the widow says "IF YOU EVER GO INTO TOWN WEARING MY CLOTHES AGAIN, YOU'RE FIRED" :-> P.S. A few years ago, I saw a parity on the 12 days of christmas....where a woman is writing to "John" thanking him each day for the gifts that he was sending...and she was becoming more and more annoyed as the days went on....does anyone have a copy of this? and if so can they send it to me? it would be greatly appricated if you could. Thanks!!!!! our home page http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 17:13:26 -0500 From: "William E. Grover" Subject: Ventriloquist (offensive to rednecks) A ventriloquist from New York took his act on the road to Mississippi. After about twenty minutes of performing joke after joke about rednecks a good ol' boy in the audience stood up and said, "I'm damn tired of you yankees makin' fun of us southern folks and always tryin' to make us look stupid. If you don't stop it right now I'm going to come up there and shut you up!" The ventriloquist said,"Take it easy buddy, they're just jokes." The redneck replied, "You stay out of this...I'm talkin' to that little loudmouth on your lap!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 14:49:49 PDT From: Mark Huth Subject: Scientists support legend of St. Nicolas Sent to me last Christmas season ============================================ Is There a Santa Claus? 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Rosanne. 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but he is one amazing guy. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Dec 1997 09:22:04 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Surd-Times : The HairCut A surd goes to a barber shop wearing headphones. He tells the hairdresser: "Cut my hair please, but do not remove the headphones." The hairdresser does his job but needs to get under the headphones to finish his work. He removes the headphones thinking that the surd will never even notice. The surd falls to the floor, chokes, turns blue and dies. The hairdresser picks up the headphones to see what he was listening to and hears: "Breath In, Breath Out, Breath In, Breath Out....." Chalapathi :O) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 22:53:50 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Half-witted observations about the lives we live In certain ways, Iraq is more civilized than we are. For example, if you get caught making a left turn at night while it's raining and you have no lights on, and you don't use a turn signal, they cut off your hands. Now that's the kind of law we could use in Atlanta. We went out to eat, and my Dad said, "No wonder nobody comes here. It is too crowded." In the building I work in there is an elevator with a button that says, "Press for Emergency." So I guess when I want an emergency, I just press it. I had to quit dating the girl at the bank cause I found out she was a teller. A holiday tip: Never spend Thanksgiving with a vegetarian-feminist who thinks women shouldn't help prepare meals. Better to ask the bums for dinner. The news story said young people will learn valuable job skills working seasonal jobs in retail stores. Skills like how to not use the phrases, "May I help you?" or "Thank you." He's old, sick, a liar, a thief, a murderer, and a lifelong drain on the taxpaying public. Sure, James Earl Ray is my number one candidate for an organ transplant, an even better choice than Mickey Mantle. I'm not into rare paintings. I like mine well-done. I went to the fights and a Jerry Springer show broke out. I got one of those tools with 21 different functions, but I haven't found a use for it yet. Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 16:37:48 -0600 From: Antonio Oliveros Fernandez Subject: MICROSOFT Acquires Christmas NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98." In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 98. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[98] as early as November first." Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year." When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment. ____________________________________________ Antonio Oliveros Fernandez. oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839 ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Dec 1997 to 4 Dec 1997 **********************************************