There are 8 messages totalling 264 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The bank (adult sexual content) 2. Men at Work 3. The Sound of Natural Music 4. Santa's Nuts! (clean) 5. The price of technology 6. [Fwd: Cinderella (adult)] 7. Kiddy lighbug joke 8. things that make ya think ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 11:28:12 +0200 From: Soni Satish Datavia Subject: The bank (adult sexual content) A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts "open the safe!" "But this is not a real bank" the woman replies "it's a sperm bank." "Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts. The woman, now terrified, opens the safe. "Now take one of the bottles and drink it", he says. "But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies. "Just drink it or I'll shoot!" The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another bottle and drink it" "But sir, I just drank one" "Drink another one or I will shoot you" The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband. "Now you see, honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult now is it!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 05:19:11 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Men at Work * It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way. "And just where have you been until this hour ?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home. "Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog." - - - - - * "Madam," said the irate conductor to a totally incompetent woman cellist during rehearsal, "you have between your legs an instrument that could give pleasure to thousands -- and all you seem able to do is scratch it." - - - - - * Personally, I think the largest problem with the White House under Clinton is that it's governed by the law of the bungle. - - - - - * When a man asked his doctor to arrange for a vasectomy, the physician, in accordance with established medical practice, asked the patient if he had discussed this with his wife. "Yes, in fact I did. She suggested that we ask the kids and they voted 6 to 2 in favor of the operation." he replied. - - - - - * There's just one thing that bugs me about this revolution." confided the one radical to a fellow activist. "And that's what's gonna happen to our unemployment checks when we over- throw the government." - - - - - * Blacks aren't the only ones who cast disparaging remarks at members of their own race who "go over to the establishment". The American Indians call such men "Uncle Tom-Tom". - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 11:58:04 +0100 From: Theo Legters Subject: The Sound of Natural Music Q: Why do farts smell ? A: So deaf people can enjoy them as well. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 15:10:24 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: Santa's Nuts! (clean) The Top 18 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts 18> Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz." 17> Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle. 16> Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard. 15> Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers. 14> After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?" 13> The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication. 12> Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!" 11> Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap. 10> Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing. 9> Caught drinking red wine with fish during break. 8> "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!" 7> Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair. 6> Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots. 5> That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair. 4> Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, PeeWee!" 3> When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor. 2> Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie. 1> While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] ======================================== If you have a story to tell, or want to read those of people living all over this great planet, then join the hottest new storytelling list on the net. The only thing missing is you! Email to: majordomo@armchair.mb.ca ... in the BODY, type: subscribe bluedogsociete ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 08:44:28 -0500 From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" Subject: The price of technology Friday January 2 6:32 AM EST Mobile Bone Shock As Phone Rings Inside Dog LONDON (Reuters) - A baffled British woman who lost a mobile phone dialed the number and heard it ringing inside her friend's dog. Rachel Murray, 27, had left the cellphone under her Christmas tree as a surprise gift for her flatmate, The Sun newspaper reported on Friday. But chum Tony Dangerfield's bloodhound Charlie crept into the room and greedily wolfed down the mobile phone, leaving only a pile of torn paper. After a frantic search for the phone, Murray obtained the number from the telephone company, dialed and heard muffled ringing from sleeping Charlie's stomach. "At first I thought Charlie was lying on the phone -- then I realized where it was," she said. "I couldn't believe he'd swallowed it." The dog was rushed to a vet, who advised Murray and Dangerfield to let nature take its course. Twenty four hours later the phone duly emerged -- in perfect working order. ^REUTERS@ * Sai X5098 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 14:09:15 -0800 From: Larry Barnes Subject: [Fwd: Cinderella (adult)] > Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't > let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother > appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs > to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First you must wear a > diaphram." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You > must be home by 2am. Any later, and your diaphram will turn into a > pumpkin." > Editor's note: Ouch! > Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. > The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. > Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up looking love-struck and "very" > satisfied. > "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. > "Your diaphram was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!" > "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." > "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" > "I can't remember, exactly.... Peter, Peter something or other..." > -- ************************************ Dr. Larry J. Barnes Associate professor of music Transylvania University, Lexington, KY 40508 lbarnes@mail.transy.edu ************************************ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 16:18:10 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Kiddy lighbug joke How many lightbugs does it take to light up a room? Just one if she flips a light switch! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 17:26:20 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: things that make ya think > Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. > Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it. > > How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always > ducked when someone threw a gun at him? > > If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many > clothes? > > Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date? > > Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in > adultery? > > Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? > > Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it? > > Why do we wash BATH TOWELS--aren't we clean when we use them? > > Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle? > > Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? > > What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious? > > If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? > > Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? > > When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? > > What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating > an endangered plant? > > Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone > will clean them? > > If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to > remain silent? > > If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jan 1998 to 3 Jan 1998 **********************************************