There are 8 messages totalling 410 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Modern Times 2. Female Logic 3. Joke Clean: Surf Fishing 4. Dave's Lines of the Week (innuendo) 5. Spice Girl Job Application Offensive to Spice Girls and their fans 6. Humor - Bloodhound Picks A Ringer 7. Ole Brickbats 8. You know your country's leader is a dictator ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 3 Jan 1998 12:38:40 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Modern Times A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs.Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts." The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!" The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) " Chalapathi And His Four Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jan 1998 03:34:42 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Female Logic * The father of a lovely 18-year-old was very upset when he learned that she had hitchhiked from college in Seattle to San Diego. "Why, you could have been killed or raped." "I was perfectly safe Daddy." the girl replied. "Every time a man picked me up, I told him I was on the way to the best A.I.D.'s clinic on the Coast. - - - - - * Mother to teenage daughter: "You're going to have to learn to lick your smoking problem... and you're going to have to learn to lick your drinking problem... and as for sex, well, uh... you're going to have to learn to fight that too ! - - - - - * The Yuppie's daughter had graduated from Vassar and as a gift, he gave her a townhouse in Columbia Maryland. As she went thru the place with her Father, they came to the patio and went out- side, where she saw a pool with several muscular men swimming. "Oh Daddy." she gushed. "How thoughtful, not only is there a pool, but you had it stocked for me too." - - - - - * The kissing booth at the Charity Fair displayed a large sign: "Kisses - $5 to $50." One young man asked the girl in the booth if the price range was a matter of duration. "Nope !" she smiled. "Lip placement." - - - - - * Human reproduction, according to one woman wit, is a regressive process instead of progressive, as the name implies. She says it begins with coming to the point and ends with straddling the issue. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jan 1998 00:19:21 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Joke Clean: Surf Fishing This is the story about a guy who loved to fish off the shores of the Gulf of Mexico near Galveston. He ran a gas station during the day and went surf fishing in the afternoon. As much as he loved surf fishing, he had one disadvantage: he could not cast more than 10 yards to save his life. Nothing he tried worked. One day, after a particularly bad afternoon of short throws, he came to the end of the line and vowed to give up surf fishing. However, in the midst of his despair, he saw a vision on the, by now, deserted beach. Out of the Gulf depths and through the surf came an old woman carrying a load of heavy surf tackle directly toward him. She spoke to him in a rough yet kind voice, saying, "I have watched you for weeks now, and I am here to help. Let me teach you my way, and you will never again leave this beach frustrated." He was stunned by this strange situation, but he agreed. The old woman stayed with him until moonrise, teaching him her techniques. At the end of the lesson, she wished him luck and returned to the sea through the surf, never to be seen again. The man decided to try his new skills out at first light on the next morning. When he woke, he gathered his gear and went to his gas station. Instead of opening for business, he hung a sign on the door which read: "THIS STATION IS CONDUCTING A TEST OF THE EMERGING SEA-BROAD CASTING SYSTEM." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jan 1998 16:04:30 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: Dave's Lines of the Week (innuendo) Monday, April 7 - Friday, April 11 1997 "I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me." "I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means a great deal to me -- the other cult members got together and they all took me out to see 'Star Wars.'" "Listen to this, I'm going to have to somehow find a way to convince the I.R.S. that the $10,000 that I spent on lapdances was a business expense." "They've changed that 1040 tax form. Now there's a box you can check if you want an Indonesian businessman to give President Clinton $10,000." "I didn't realize this, but a lot of your supermodels now are very, very shy. And they don't like a lot of the attention of Fashion Week, you know what I'm saying? For example, earlier today, I saw Kate Moss at the Fashion Cafe hiding behind a breadstick." "Mets pitcher Pete Harnisch is having some trouble. Very mysterious. Pete Harnisch now suffers from anxiety, having a high level of anxiety; very, very edgy; and has insomnia, cannot sleep. Medical experts and doctors are baffled. And I'm thinking, 'I wonder if it has anything to do with that giant Mets logo on his chest.'" "President Clinton, down there in Washington, D.C., yesterday met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Netanyahu said that President Clinton was frank with him. And I'm thinking, 'Oh great, now the President is using phony names with men as well.'" "We're learning more and more about the Heaven's Gate cult leader Marshall Applewhite. You've been reading about this man? Turns out this man was very, very resourceful, very, very tricky when it came to this business of the castration. It's not an easy thing to do, you know. Here's how he would accomplish that. He would get the cult members sedated and then he would tell them, 'Well, we're just going to Supercuts.'" "The Space Shuttle Columbia, coming home early today, and on the way back to Earth's atmosphere, they spotted that spacecraft behind the Hale-Bopp Comet. Listen to this -- they said there's a bumpersticker on the spaceship that reads, 'Honk If You're Neutered.'" "You folks tired of hearing about the Heaven's Gate cult?...Yeah, apparently the Heaven's Gate cult decided it was time to leave because they were tired of hearing about 'Ellen' being gay." "Tomorrow night, by the way, a former Heaven's Gate cult member, Rio D'Angelo, talks to Diane Sawyer about former Heaven's Gate cult leader, Marshall Applewhite, better known as 'Do.' And, Rio talks about Do's castration surgery. And he says that the surgery was mishandled, and that Do was so upset by this that he sued the veterinarian." "Funny thing -- right after the castration surgery, Do immediately changed to La." "Rio D'Angelo was interviewed on 'Primetime Live,' and so I tuned it in, I wanted to see what this was. So I dialed it up and, man, I see this really scary, very strange, very peculiar looking man with a very odd look in his eyes and kind of pointy ears -- and then Sam Donaldson brings out the cult guy and that's even stranger." "During the interview, Rio D'Angelo said that Do encouraged cult members to have solitary sex. I was thinking about this -- 39 people living together in the same house having solitary sex. Well, that was my freshman year in college." "Hey, big news from the world of outer space! Did you hear about this? The Galileo space probe that's out there landed on one of the moons of Jupiter and is sending back photographs and it's unbelievable, the pictures of this moon!...If you look closely in the photographs, sort of in the back, you can see 39 wackos wearing purple shrouds, waving." "Did you see this guy last night, Rio D'Angelo? Rio D'Angelo, former Heaven's Gate cult member, Rio D'Angelo. Did you see him last night on the 'Primetime Live' show with Diane Sawyer?...He was on there talking with Diane Sawyer about the Heaven's Gate cult, and he said that they were asked to drink this cocktail of vodka and phenobarbital...It was a cocktail for the castrated guys, you know? It was called 'no sex on the beach.'" "You can tell that it's Daylight Savings Time, can't you? Man, you can sure tell here in New York City. This morning, my cab driver set his meter ahead $10." "A thousand days left to New Year's 2000, which means just about now, I guess Dick Clark should be going into makeup." (from Oracle) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jan 1998 11:30:37 -0500 From: Don Chesnel Subject: Spice Girl Job Application Offensive to Spice Girls and their fans In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, really, want, this job. Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides cute hooters? Yes___No___What's your point?______. Would it, like bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred? Yes__No___ How would you best describe yourself? A.( ) An energetic self-starter B.( ) A team player C.( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet True or False A mosh pit is the seed of a mosh fruit. True____False____ "I am willing to trade sexual favors for a career in the music industry." True___False___You mean I don't have to?_____. How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar? Does nudity bother you? Yes___No___Why do I have to wear clothes?___. If so, should I put my clothes back on? Yes___No___. Explain in 100 words or less the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will, in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behavioralist psychology. (Just kidding!!). Actually, are you into leather minis?? Yes___No___. Are you deceptively attractive in colored or stroboscopic light? Yes___No___. Circle a nickname you could live with from the following list: Sexy, Nastie, Sweetie, Chlamydia. Have you ever been convicted of combining vertical and horizontal stripes? Yes___No___Maybe____Can't remember___What's your point?__. If two trains leave Liverpool, England an hour apart and are traveling at 90 Kilometers and 75 Kilometers respectively, how would you look in spandex shorts? Does the term "force majeure in perpetuity" make you afraid or just giggly? Afraid___Giggly____. If required as part of your deal with Satan, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness? Yes___No___What's your point?___. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jan 1998 10:40:51 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Bloodhound Picks A Ringer LONDON (Reuters) -- A baffled British woman who lost a mobile phone dialed the number and heard it ringing inside her friend's dog. Rachel Murray, 27, had left the cellphone under her Christmas tree as a surprise gift for her roommate, The Sun newspaper reported Friday. But friend Tony Dangerfield's bloodhound, Charlie, crept into the room and greedily wolfed down the mobile phone, leaving only a pile of torn paper. After a frantic search for the phone, Murray obtained the number from the telephone company, dialed it and heard muffled ringing from sleeping Charlie's stomach. "At first I thought Charlie was lying on the phone -- then I realized where it was," she said. "I couldn't believe he'd swallowed it." The dog was rushed to a vet, who advised Murray and Dangerfield to let nature take its course. Twenty-four hours later the phone duly emerged -- in perfect working order. Copyright 1998 Reuters Limited. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some may wonder how it might feel to use a phone that has traveled through a dogs digestive system. :>) - Ken ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jan 1998 13:02:32 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Ole Brickbats My wife said we never talk anymore during halftime. How would you know if there was a misspelled word in the dictionary? I've seen the Ghost of Christmas Past and he's shaped like a credit card. Somebody please tell Jimmy Carter to stop housing the homeless, overseeing elections, and bringing peace to the world. This self-aggrandizing behavior is obscene. Fear is that little darkroom in your head where negatives are developed. When I told my husband I wanted a divorced for Christmas, he looked at me and said, "Well, I really hadn't planned on spending that much." President Clinton has now got a good excuse to avoid turning over important papers to the Republicans in Congress: "Well, Senator, the dog ate those." My wife talks through her nose. She has to because she wore out her mouth. When someone is hired by the Post Office, are they automatically issued a firearm or do they have to buy their own? I saw a policeman walk out of a doughnut shop and he had that glazed look in his eye. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Jan 1998 22:37:04 -0500 From: George Hughes Subject: You know your country's leader is a dictator Okay, last Sunday I posted some harmless quotes from the comic pages (but I forgot to credit my source). This earned me four nasty notes. Thankfully, Bill Keane was more understanding than my new found funny critics. As a penance I thought I try something original. If you would like to suggest some additional lines or have a useful revision, send your suggestions to me and I will repost the updated list here in a week or two (if I get anything more useful than criticism). By the way, I think HUMOR is great. I appreciate those people who take time to send in humor for us to read. You know your country's leader is a dictator if ... 1. He has more than three palaces. 2. He has a palace larger than the state of Delaware. 3. He holds office without the benefit of an election. 4. He holds office after having been elected with more than 90% of the votes in a "fair" election. 5. He has held his current position for more than ten years and is expected to be holding that position for another ten years or until he dies (whichever comes later). 6. He isn't on Jimmy Carter's Christmas card list. 7. He gives money to leading citizens instead of accepting political donations. 8. He wears a military uniform during State occasions. 9. "The people" have designated his wife, son, daughter, brother, sister, cousin, niece or nephew to be his successor. 10. His security guards have security guards. 11. He has the power to veto judicial decisions by putting the judge in jail. 12. His idea of healthy political discussion is having a family reunion. 13. His parliament meets for no more than five days a year. 12. His only degree is from a military training institute sponsored by either by the United States, the old Soviet Union, or China. 13. He has at least one European estate and several Swiss bank accounts. 14. He is the wealthiest person in the country. 15. His picture is on the country's money and postage stamps. 16. His portrait, a large one, is displayed in each of his offices. 17. He guarantees his citizen the freedom to praise him and criticize his enemies. 18. He is god or his god's designated voice. 19. His citizens do not complain about taxes. 20. His speeches normally last longer than two hours, are well-attended, and no one goes to sleep. 21. He wrote his country's national anthem and/or his name is in the lyrics. 22. His jails have more political prisoners than drug violators. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 1998 to 4 Jan 1998 **********************************************