There are 8 messages totalling 391 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Humor Clean: Procrastinator's Creed 2. Jan 6: The 12th Day of Christmas 3. Tips for Cultists 2 of 4 4. Chinese & Jew (not off) 5. 10 silly questions and ironic observations 6. Get your goat. Barnyard/bestiality humor 7. The Powerbook that Leaked 8. Stupid People (off. to Stupids) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 22:58:42 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Humor Clean: Procrastinator's Creed You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time. PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 03:48:26 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Jan 6: The 12th Day of Christmas 'Twas the last day of Christmas, and all through the house The new PC's not running, and the dog chewed up the mouse The Maalox is all gone, the Aspirin's been lost Lord knows just what this season will cost It's finally the 12th day of Christmas this year The eggnog's been drunk, and I'm outta beer The new toys are scattered all over the place I'd better start buying batteries by the case Epiphany -- the day the Magi finished their trip On camels they came, the famous desert ship And started all this, with the gifts they'd bought Remembrances, so their visit wouldn't be for naught Wise Men they've been called, but I'm not so sure Even they were aware how the tradition would endure Or how early we're start to honor Christmas Day The trees are up before the pumpkins are put away I still find it odd to hear "Silent Night" sung And see festive lights and wreaths neatly hung Before the Thanksgiving turkey is even sliced To the stores for shopping we're all enticed "Shop Early", "Buy More", cry the merchants with glee Pile up tons of presents under your tree Get in that car -- hurry out to the Mall Now dash away... dash away... dash away all As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky So out to the stores the consumers they flew To see the raindeer and Saint Nicholas too And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the shops The frantic cries of all the Moms and Pops Looking for the perfect toys for their lil' elves And the clerks saying: "It's all on the shelves" The Visa's 'bout maxed before November is over Mother is frazzled, and Daddy's barely sober And there's still three weeks til Christmas Day "%&#$!@%#@* Magi !" I heard many a shopper say Kids' eyes -- how they twinkled... their dimples how merry Their cheeks were like roses, their noses like a cherry Their drooling lil' mouths were drawn up like bows, As they stared at the toys -- rows upon rows The live tree, fresh bought, is now staring to droop Needles on the floor are removed with a scoop Even Santa looks tried as a kid climbs on his lap He looks like he wants a cig, a shot and a nap But at last the big day did finally dawn Wrapping paper's all over -- even covering the lawn Mommie loved her iron, Daddy raved over his tie Dinner's all over, even ate all the pie Twelve days then followed -- some merry, some bright Some parties were dull, others lasted 'til first light Now the liquor's all gone, the house is a mess The saving account's busted; checking -- even less And so my friends, Christmas is done for a year 'Cept for bills to pay, and the collectors to fear As the Magi exclaimed, ere there rode out of sight "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 12:18:51 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Tips for Cultists 2 of 4 * Avoid all esoteric jewellery over ten pounds in weight -- it attracts unwelcome attention from muggers, policemen, various supernatural creatures and can be and are downright dangerous during thunderstorms. * Avoid using coloured candles in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the weirdest demons. * Never make flippant remarks to a demon ("Hey, Belial, you look like hell, ha ha."). It may retort with its own brand of humour, like tearing your limbs apart. * Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, service revolver, garlic, taxi fare, condoms, and change. * When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the High Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous. * If a demon promises you untold riches in exchange for your body, ask for an advance --- freeloading sex fiends abound. * If the entity you summoned offers you its soul in return for money, chances are that you got your summoning spell backwards. * Never summon Surd demons; they will shatter your mind with (ab)Surd jokes (ask Max). ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 11:25:55 +0200 From: Mohamed El-Nadi Subject: Chinese & Jew (not off) A chinese guy sat down at the bar and said to the person next to him, hi my name's wong, and i'm chinese. the guy says my name's goldberg, and i'm jewish and i hate chinese! You hate chinese...... Why? Cause they bombed pearl harbor! Chinese didn't bomb pearl harbor, the japanese bombed pearl harbor! Chinese, japanese, what's the difference! Well i hate jews! you hate jews.... Why? Cause you sunk the titanic! No we didn't, an iceberg sunk the titanic ..... Iceberg, goldberg, what's the difference? Mohamed El-Nadi mailto:mnadi@usa.net http://nadi.home.ml.org "I once had a life... now I have the Internet..." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 08:58:59 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: 10 silly questions and ironic observations If you got into trouble with the law and had the police department from Boulder, you wouldn't need the judgte from Massachusetts and a jury from Los Angeles. If a man says something pig-headed, and there isn't a woman in the room to slap him upside the head, will he know he's wrong? I ordered a baked potato the other evening and the waitress asked me how I wanted it cooked. No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more than the one who's giving it. My wife and I are getting a divorce, and she wants custody of the dog. She said I could have visitation privileges if I pay dog support. It was a lovely day. My husband cooked a delicious dinner and did the dishes. Then I woke up. Baby boomers seem as if they can't stop talking about themselves. Do you think the dramatic drop off in my sex life is caused by El Nino? No matter how good you think she is, or how beautiful you think she is, there's still some guy out there that's just so tired of her. American journalists: Is the accidental death of Sonny Bono really the most important news? ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 13:14:13 -0500 From: janissary Subject: Get your goat. Barnyard/bestiality humor A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a good jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury." The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediatley had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker." The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat _will_ do that." --- Bob ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 21:12:23 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: The Powerbook that Leaked (a true story, credit not attached to my copy) In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead PowerBook 165. Fault description: hangs on startup. An additional symptom provided was: whilst being carried from the customer's site to our service center, a 'sloshing' noise was heard within the machine. "Has anything been spilt on this computer?" I inquired, but no, nothing of the sort had happened, protested the client vehemently. Taking this with a grain of salt (no-one's going to admit doing something that totally invalidates their warranty and effectively wrecks their computer) I went about filling in the repair order. Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough, an address error on startup, just after 'Welcome to Macintosh'. I lowered my ear to the keyboard, at which point I heard a crackling noise (couldn't hear any sloshing noise though) and became aware of a rather 'sharp' odor which seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine. Flicking the computer off and unplugging the adapter, I removed the battery from it's compartment, only to observe that the entire battery casing was soaked in a fluid which appear to have a rainbow-like sheen (kind of like what a puddle of soapy water would look like - oily and colorful). I also noticed that the same fluid was leaking out of the battery compartment onto the static mat, but appeared clear rather than multi-colored. My first thoughts were that the battery had somehow leaked acid out into the guts of the PowerBook, which would account for the sharp smell (which reminded me of ammonia), yet the battery terminals were about the one part of the battery that was dry. No, upon closer examination, I ruled the acid theory out. The battery was wet, but not leaking. Tipping the machine on it's side, I watched more fluid run out and coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size of a compact disc. It was definitely clear, and I observed that the 'rainbow' effect had been caused by the reaction of the plastic battery casing to this 'mystery liquid'. I then unscrewed the computer and separated the two parts of the PowerBook. The smell suddenly became a LOT stronger. The hard disk looked like a solid lump of rust, and the daughterboard appeared to have about three barbecued chips. Although I was quickly forming my own opinions on what had happened, I invited several of my workmates in to take a sniff and offer an opinion. We were unanimous in our decision. I rang the customer, who seemed surprised when I asked the question: "Do you have a cat?" As it turned out, he didn't have a cat, but he *did* have a lovely fluffy bunny rabbit who was seen in the vicinity of the PowerBook only the day before. Yes, there was no doubt about it, little fluffy had hopped up onto the keyboard and downloaded some incompatible data. I checked the warranty form, but there was no provision for failure due to rabbit urine anywhere. I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance company. In the end, the PowerBook was biffed and the customer upgraded to a 180c. I cleaned up the static mat and sprayed the service department with a healthy dosage of "Fresh Field of Flowers". I checked in with the customer about a week later, asked how was he enjoying the 180c, asked if he'd managed to restore his data, and, of course, asked how was his rabbit? "Delicious." he said. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 19:41:44 -0700 From: Scotty Subject: Stupid People (off. to Stupids) Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. ************************************************************ Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. ************************************************************ A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. ************************************************************ A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. ************************************************************ The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. ************************************************************ A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. ************************************************************ A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. ************************************************************ Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. ************************************************************ When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. ************************************************** A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. *********************************************** Scott Collier http://members.tripod.com/~scollier scollier@homemail.com ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Jan 1998 to 7 Jan 1998 **********************************************