There are 9 messages totalling 481 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Forewarned is... whatever 2. It's What You Say Too ! 3. Another Side of Hell 4. The Rules 5. We all reason about this well at times 6. More Clinton dissing :) (risque, obviously) 7. Keeping my self pure (adult) 8. Norm! 9. More Clinton.. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 11:05:56 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Forewarned is... whatever ACTUAL Warnings on labels from various countries: USA: An insect spray boasts "Kill all insects", but adds "Warning - harmful to bees." (Very thoughtful, that). SWEDEN: On the packaging of a chainsaw: "Do not try to stop chain with hands." BRITAIN: Marks & Spencer bread and butter pudding has a warning on the box bottom: "Take care - product will be hot after heating." >From Rowenta: "Do not iron clothes on body." >From Boots (chain of pharmacies & manufacturer of pharmaceuticals), on a cough syrup for young children urges: "Do not drive car or operate machinery. Avoid alcoholic drinks." (This must be meant for *very* precocious kids). ITALY: Label on a cigarette lighter: "Do not light flame near the face." KOREA: On the box of a kitchen knife: "Warning - may be dangerous to children." (Translation difficulties might explain this one). Breaking the news: Hillary Clinton has hired Loretta Bobbit as her personal consultant. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 04:16:58 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: It's What You Say Too ! * In Howard County, Traffic Policemen generally patrol the same area each day. One day an officer, normally assigned to Yuppie City (aka Columbia), was sent to the southern end of the County. It's, shall we shall, a less "polished" area. Stopping his first violator, he said "Good Morning sir, I'm Officer [Smith] and I would like to see your driving permit in reference to a possible violation of Article 21-707, probable Stop Sign infraction. The burly man in the car looked at the Policeman, and said, "Huh ?" Repeating his lil' speech, the officer was met with the same response. Then he said, "Listen pea brain, you ran that Stop Sign back there, now give me your license before I drag your sorry butt out of that bucket of bolts and find it myself." The motorist nodded and reached for his wallet. "Oh. Well Hell... Sure. Why didn't ya say so in the first place ?" - - - - - * The farmer had requested and got signs posted which said "Cattle Crossing", but still the motorists sped past his ranch at speeds too great for comfort. Finally, a dramatic improvement was noted when he posted some signs of his own: "Caution: the steer you save may be next summer's T-Bone". - - - - - * I guess we all like to brag about our home states, but a lot of Texans over-do it. Once, during a visit to Texas, I listened politely to an hour discourse on the beauty of this ranch which seemed more like a desert than an oasis to me. Thinking to change the subject, I asked the owner what was that large bird that had just scurried by. He replied, "Why, that's a Bird of Paradise son." I said, "Long way from home, ain't it ?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET") (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 09:11:43 -0500 From: Justin Subject: Another Side of Hell The Devil is walking around Hell one day, when he notices a young-looking soul obviously in distress. He goes over to investigate. "What's wrong?" the Devil asks. "I'm in Hell, what's RIGHT?" said the pained young man. "Hey, cheer up, it's not so bad! Hell's gotten a bad rap is all." "What's so good about it?" "Well for instance... Do you like women?" "Of Course, I LOVE women." "Great! Monday we have millions of women come in, we have sex all day long, and it doesn't even hurt afterword!" "Well, that's great!" "Yeah! Do you like drugs? C'mon...be honest." "Yeah, I've done a few in my day." "Well good, because on Tuesday we ship in every kind of drug you could ever want, and we smoke, shoot, sniff, lick and chew all day long!" "Excellent!" "And do you like booze?" "Of course I do!" "Well, on Wednesday, we drink until we puke, then we drink somemore, and we never get hangovers!" "This is Awesome!" "Yeah, are you gay?" "NO!" "Oh boy, you're gonna HATE Thursdays." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 11:12:30 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: The Rules IF MEN WERE TO REWRITE THE RULES Rule # 1 - Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Rule # 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 4 - It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? Rule # 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Rule # 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. Rule # 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Rule # 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. Rule # 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary. Rule # 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 12:17:29 -0500 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: We all reason about this well at times Hi folks... Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today.. Six more weeks of winter.. Happy Happy Joy Joy.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This was sent to me. It looks like it came from the Dilbert Zone. -------- A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license. She presented her West Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood. ----------- A report from a 9th grader: Our school campus has twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. There were two soda machines. Recently they added a third. I overheard the workers arguing where to put the new machine. They decided to put it next to the other machine because that way people would notice it when buying drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan. The two machines sold the same drinks, and the new one cost an extra 75 cents. ----------- When Daylight Saving Time was started on a national basis, I was able to convince one Induhvidual that she had to get up at 2 a.m. to reset her clocks. To do otherwise would violate federal law. ----------- While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labelled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?" She replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them." ----------- The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day. ----------- My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we would have presentations on the latest fashions from around the world. During one of these presentations, our chief designer held up a pair of jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in London. He told us that they were from a very exclusive designer and were about 200 pounds each. An Induhvidual from the audience piped up, "200 pounds! How can a pair of jeans weigh that much?!" ----------- I called my hair salon to tell them I'd be late for an appointment. I couldn't remember the haircutter's unusual name, so I said, "I think her name is 'Zora.'" The receptionist said flatly, "We don't have anybody here by that name." I said, "Check the appointment book and see who my appointment is with." She checked and said, "Oh, your appointment is with 'Zoya.'" So I'm wondering, how many of the six people working there have four letter names beginning with Z anyway??? ----------- I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 10:17:13 -0700 From: Janelle Barker Subject: More Clinton dissing :) (risque, obviously) This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info. --part0_885864678_boundary Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII Content-ID: <0_885864678@inet_out.mail.aol.com.1> Did you know that Hillary Clinton just wrote a new book? It's titled, "It Takes a Village to Satisfy My Husband" --------------------------------------------- Did you hear? Gore is only one orgasm away from the presidency. --------------------------------------------- Q: What were Clinton's fist words to Paula Jones at the deposition? A: "So now you open your mouth!" --------------------------------------------- Clinton: I'm only as old as the woman I feel. --------------------------------------------- The reason First Lady wears the pants in the house is because the President can't never keep his on! --------------------------------------------- Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos and then the White House couple went on their way. As they were driving on to their final destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner." She smirked and replied, "No! If I had stayed with him, HE would be the President of the United States TODAY!" ------------------------------------ Is it true that President Clinton's favorite movie is "Free Willy"? ---------------------------------- Yassar Arafat's advice to President Clinton... "Goats don't talk" --part0_885864678_boundary-- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 30 Jan 1998 17:34:11 -0500 From: "James R. Muller" Subject: Keeping my self pure (adult) A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult." the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset." ****************************************************************** If you are not subscribed to my hunor list and would like to send an E-mail to with the Single word in the subject or first line of the body "Subscribe" or Sub" ****************************************************************** _____________________________________________________________________ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 18:32:20 -0700 From: Scotty Subject: Norm! Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers": "What's shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks & a couple of chins." "What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer." "What'd you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer." "What'll you have, Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky." "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper." "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending." "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here." "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'" "Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour." "How's life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife." "Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts." "What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool." "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." "What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer." "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "A little early, isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions." Scott Collier scollier@homemail.com http://members.tripod.com/~scollier ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 09:32:34 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: More Clinton.. More of my Rs.0.02... Did you hear the latest? Most people worry of AIDS from sex,Clinton worries of sex from his aides... Why does Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm.. Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours? Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation. What was President clinton's explanation for having oral sex with Monica? He thought she was the "head" intern. What did Monica say when she was offered a position at the U.N. "Is it a missionary position?" During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving Tricky Dicky. Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky." Did you hear that Clinton does not use bookmarks. He just bends over the pages. Why did Bill get into this problem? He did not know that harass was one word. Clinton Presidential Anthem: "Kneel to the Chief" Why is there no proof of this affair? She swallowed the evidence. What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least this time, there is no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat." How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony? "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth." Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate? Her dad is getting more dates than she is. Why is Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story? He wants Marv Albert to do the interview. Who's going to score first in the Super Bowl? The Broncos or the Packers? Answer: Bill Clinton What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name? Unibanger Don't feel sorry for Monica. She will be back on her knees in no time. Chalapathi And More Of His Four Line Signatures! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Feb 1998 to 3 Feb 1998 **********************************************