There are 11 messages totalling 512 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Vet Dentist 2. Restaurants 3. Car trouble 4. HUMOR: Sexual innuendo 5. seminars for fe/male presented by fe/male 6. Excerpt's from a Cat's Diary 7. In The News - humorous News Quips 8. Humor - Today's New Slanguage 9. Topical Humor (adult themes) 10. A cloudbust of cynical comments & questions 11. HUMOR - Drinking buddies ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 28 Feb 1998 23:22:13 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Vet Dentist An animal orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was called one day by a frantic farmer in Australia. "Help sir!" he cried, "I just got braces and orthodontic equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep orthodontist just died! I need a responsible animal dentist to come care for my flock!" The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered, so he promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would be a week or two of work. But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent a whole 6 months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces. When at last he boarded a plane for home, after half a year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness. "At last", he said, .... "I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Mar 1998 03:31:55 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Restaurants * In Columbia Maryland there are so many restaurants now with tables and chairs for outdoor dining that it's no longer even considered fashionable, much less called "chic". They have the same kind of thing in Baltimore City actually, but there it's called eviction. - - - - - * Sometimes, Mrs JimJr and I like to just go out for a drive. In our neighboring state of West Virginia, they have a very unique house specialty -- Poulet a la Chevy -- that's a chicken that's been run over by a pick-up truck. - - - - - * The customer calls the waiter over and says, "Didn't I say 'well done' ?" The waiter replies, "Oh thank you sir; I very seldom get a compliment." - - - - - * Mrs JimJr and I don't eat very often in the really expensive restaurants in Columbia Maryland. It bothers me when all of the table napkins are a better material than my suit. - - - - - * You know it's a cheap restaurant when you ask for a menu and the waiter tells you that someone else is using it. - - - - - * An inspector walks into a restaurant and tells the owner: "You have too many roaches in here." The owner replies, "OK. How many am I allowed ?" - - - - - * I ate a restaurant the other week where the food was soooo bad, I wasn't at all sure whether to use my VISA or my Blue Cross Health Plan card. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET") (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Mar 1998 06:53:43 EST From: Cyn MacG Subject: Car trouble A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin decided to pass the time at the supermarket next door, where he first helped himself to some of the frozen fish sticks. After satisfying his hunger, he got into the freezer and ate several gallons of vanilla ice cream. By now a couple of hours had passed, so he went back to the garage, covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Mar 1998 06:31:50 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: HUMOR: Sexual innuendo Monica Lewinsky didn't have a political bone in her body until she went to Washington D.C. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Mar 1998 12:49:23 -0500 From: "James R. Muller" Subject: seminars for fe/male presented by fe/male > > SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males) > > 1. Elementary Map Reading > > 2. Crying and Law Enforcement > > 3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR > > 4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours > > 5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast > > 6. The Seven-Outfit Week > > 7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since > > Puberty > > ...Deal With it" > > 8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions > > 9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights > > 10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed > > 11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water > > 12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament > > 13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You > > 14. How to Earn Your Own Money > > 15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics > > Good" > > 16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your > > Side > > 17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry > > 18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station > > 19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels > > 20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy > > 21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too > > 22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out > > 23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock" > > 24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do" > > 25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House > > 26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man? > > > > > SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females) > > > > 1. Combatting Stupidity > > 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework > > 3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut > > 4. How to Fill an Ice Tray > > 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money > > 6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am > > 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques: formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks" > > 8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception > > 9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook > > 10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong > > 11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right > > 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence > > 13. You: The Weaker Sex > > 14. Reasons to Give Flowers > > 15. How to Stay Awake in Public > > 16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the > > bathroom > > 17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb > > 18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try > > 19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower > > 20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please > > 21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down: formerly titled "No, It's Not a > > Bidet" > > 22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms > > 23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull > > 24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost > > 25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency > > 26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex > > 27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes > > 28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too > > 29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home > > 30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver > > 31. Seeing the True You: formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel > > Gibson When Naked" > > 32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works > > 33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits" From Your Vocabulary > > 34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary > > 35. Techniques for calling home _____________________________________________________________________ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Mar 1998 13:01:36 -0500 From: Joel Rosner Subject: Excerpt's from a Cat's Diary Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Mar 1998 12:14:03 -0600 From: Ed Lambert Subject: In The News - humorous News Quips n The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times Includes some late night humor WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians, Los Angelenos, Marcia Clark, Michael Jackson. Includes reference to illegal drug use and sex. UN chief Kofi Annan's deal with Iraq is being hailed as miraculous. In fact, he's been sent to Arizona to settle this Roadrunner-Coyote thing. Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles. A White House spokesman called President Clinton's relationship with Monica Lewinsky a "very complicated story". Actually, the story isn't so complicated... JUSTIFYING it is. (Cutler Daily Scoop) More bad news for Clinton. A federal judge has ruled the presidential line item veto unconstitutional. That means we're back up to Ten Commandments. Hillary Clinton is still defending her husband, saying he gets up every day and does the work of two men. Of course, the men are Charlie Sheen and Wilt Chamberlin, but still... (Leno) The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools. A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin) AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding. El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times. Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29. Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them. The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30. Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee. Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien) A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski. More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel. Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno) Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher) Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena. Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee. And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno) When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China! ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Mar 1998 12:17:44 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Today's New Slanguage ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Eileen Glanton's Column,(AP): ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bad day at the cube farm? It might be time for a round of blamestorming. After all, if you have another salmon day like this one, you'll go postal. America is speaking a whole new language. Obsessed by careers, wired to the Web and bombarded by news, Americans are imbuing the English language with slang inspired by the workplace and high technology. * From the popular workplace comic strip, to be "Dilberted" is to be exploited and/or oppressed by the boss. * The "ohnosecond" is the minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've made a big mistake. * "Blamestorming" describes the corporate ritual of sitting in a group discussing why a project failed or a deadline was missed. * A "salmon day" is a day spent swimming upstream, only to get nowhere in the end. In the new slang, acronyms are hot. Web sites nearly all have a "FAQ," a list of frequently asked questions. A recent guide to e-mail etiquette given to Cowles Business Media employees approved the occasional use of BTW (by the way), FWIW (for what it's worth) and RTM. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Mar 1998 20:29:18 +0000 From: JBR Humor Subject: Topical Humor (adult themes) March 2, 1998 The Russian space station Mir just turned 12 years old, and it's kind of sad ... according to the Blue Book, the best you can get for it now is an '89 Ford Fiesta. A former shopping mall Santa Claus sobbed and said he was "Satan" after he was sentenced to 26 1/2 years in prison for molesting four young children. What is it going to take in this society before we learn that spelling matters! Princess Diana's will bequeathing her $34 million estate is to be made public next week. A body double will be used to demonstrate "the finger" which Diana left to Queen Elizabeth. Pamela Lee has filed for divorce from her abusive husband, but rocker Tommy Lee has filed for custody of "the twins." Scientists are intrigued but also somewhat alarmed by a mysterious increase in the number of 1-to-3-foot meteors suddenly hitting the Earth. Leading automakers declared the development as "yet another reason to buy Sport Utility Vehicles." Killer tornadoes that swept across central Florida last week have caused Universal Studios to postpone opening its new "Twister" ride. In similar news, the recent White House scandal has caused the Hoover vacuum company to delay introduction of its new "Presidential Series" featuring "intern-strength power and control." On this day in 1927, Babe Ruth became the highest-paid player in baseball with a $70,000 annual three-year contract. Today, this is approximately what it costs to buy a Baby Ruth. According to a new survey, nearly 30% of Americans say they would be less nervous about going to the dentist if they were put under. Apparently, all that fondling relaxes them. The biggest selling children's book of all time, 1942's 'The Poky Little Puppy,' will get a new series from Golden Books. The updated series will be "Poke Puppy Pup" and the first book "That's What I'm Barkin' 'Bout." On this day in 1968, Peggy Fleming won her third world skating championship in a row. Even today, she is the most famous women's skater not to have been involved in a plot to whack another skater's knees off. A new report alleges that money raised from the public to pay Paula Jones' legal bills is going to a to the direct-mail firm that helped her raise the funds_but not to her attorneys. The budget line item "hair care products" alone is in the six figures. USA Today reported Howard Stern may go head to head with 'Saturday Night Live' this fall in a new CBS-distributed show. In homes with a "V-Chip" installed, watching the Stern show will cause your television to simply explode. The White House is complaining about GOP conservatives blocking what would be the first openly gay U.S. ambassador, James Hormel to Luxembourg. As a compromise, Republicans are suggesting he be appointed Ambassador to another foreign country: San Fancisco. Jim Rosenberg Original Humor Content Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet http://www.wirecom.com/jim ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Mar 1998 21:40:43 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: A cloudbust of cynical comments & questions The source for most of these selected items is: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent It took research to figure out that marriage last when men just do as the wife says? Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. If you want your wife to pay strict attention to what you say, just talk in your sleep. Pinocchio's nose grew longer. Clinton's just gets redder. It seems pretty obvious now that Kenneth Starr and the Republicans have drilled another dry hole. Where next? How many more impeachment roads can you build between Little Rock and Washington? You'd think by now they're finish at least one of them. I'm so old I don't even buy green bananas. The USA has much to learn from the world's largest democracy. In the USA we count indictments for violation of funding laws. In India they keep a body count. I've been sitting here waiting for a qualified representative to answer my call for over 20 minutes. They keep telling me that my call is important to them. I'd really hate to experience how long it would take them to answer if I wasn't important to them. Think what a mess the world could be if every man who had an affair could create a war to change the subject. Senator Richard Shelby (R-Alabama) is exploring the possibility of running for president in the year 2000. So what is so funny about that? He's serious. I've enjoyed reading all the El Nino stories. They're much easier to understand than Washington politics and more important than professional sports. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Mar 1998 23:13:42 +0000 From: sarahsod Subject: HUMOR - Drinking buddies A man was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an emu, the other a cat. He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the bartender. The bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in silence drinking. A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they would like another round, the cat indicated yes and the bartender poured another round and moved towards the cat for payment. The cat turned his head away and ignored the bartender, so the man reached into his pocket and took out money and paid the bartender. After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like another drink. This time the emu indicated yes, and another round was poured, the emu placed the money on the bar and the three continued drinking. This continued all night, each time it came to the cat, the cat continued to turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was required. Finally, with the man in tears, cryng harder each time it was the cat's turn, the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer asked the man what the situation was - he'd been in the bar all night drinking with an emu and a cat, and each time it was the cat's turn, it turned away, yet the emu paid up with no problems. "Well", says the man "I found this lamp washed up on the beach, as I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish. I thought long and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Mar 1998 to 2 Mar 1998 **********************************************