There are 9 messages totalling 420 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Money 2. Punny Stories 3. Top5 - 3/3/98 - Signs Baseball Has Started 4. You've Had Too Much Coffee When.... 5. Re-Run: (1 y.) Impotence and bread - (adult theme) 6. Placing an order 7. Why Dogs Might Be Better Than Women 8. Ban Sex (Clean) 9. Talking Long Distance... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 03:24:49 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Money * They say that money isn't everything, and that's true. Problem is -- look how many things it is though. - - - - - * Mrs JimJr and I have hit upon the greatest idea ever in saving money -- it's called a budget. See, we work on it every night, and by the time we get it all figured out and balanced, it's too late to go anywhere. - - - - - * Actually though, we have a pretty good budget worked out. 30 % for food and clothing; 30 % for the house; 30 % for cars/insurance; 15 % for miscellaneous and 10 % for medical costs. The rest I spend foolishly. - - - - - * They say money can't buy friends. OK. Can I rent them then ? - - - - - * Money can't buy you true love either. It does however put ya in a good bargaining position. - - - - - * These days money is the stuff you use when all of your credit cards are maxed-out. - - - - - * I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life. Well... unless I want to buy something. - - - - - * As for money buying happiness, do you really think a guy with 250 million is any happier at all than a guy with only 240 million ? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET") (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 00:31:49 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Punny Stories An animal orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was called one day by a frantic farmer in Australia. "Help sir!" he cried, "I just got braces and orthodontic equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep orthodontist just died! I need a responsible animal dentist to come care for my flock!" The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered, so he promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would be a week or two of work. But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent a whole 6 months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces. When at last he boarded a plane for home, after half a year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness. "At last", he said, .... "I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces!" An artificial sweetner company wanted to spruce up their image with a big new ad campaign. The marketing department quickly divided into two sqabbling factions. One group wanted to do a "Big Band Nostalgia" theme, sponsoring some jazzy, happ'nin' musical events, while the other group was dead set on a tribute to the classic, "Ben-Hur", complete with a real-live re-enactment of the classic chariot race. As the deadline approached, no one would budge, so finally the two sides were forced to compromise. When the big boss came to see the finished product, he was presented with a snappy jazzy orchestra seated in a giant Roman vehicle. "What is that?" he cried. "Well sir," replied his Vice President of marketing, ... " That is the Sweet & Low swing chariot!" During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break. On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their way out of the east gate. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act. As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?" The German replied,"It's very simple, I can always tell ..... when Irish spies are filing." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 06:00:39 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 3/3/98 - Signs Baseball Has Started March 3, 1998 The Top 16 Signs Baseball Spring Training Has Started 16> The air is filled with the gentle "twang" of pulled groin muscles. 15> 48 states dealing with shortage of hookers and cliches. 14> Police abandon strict enforcement of harsh "No Pepper" laws. 13> A lonely Marge Schott once again combs Florida bars for an eligible White Supremacist to bed. 12> South American drug cartels shift to round-the-clock production schedules. 11> Bat construction industry shifts from "spouse beating bats" to "baseball bats." 10> Business up 4000% at the Ft. Lauderdale Hooters. 9> Morganna the Gumming Bandit is sighted doing wind sprints. 8> Thirty injured in whirlwind created by frenzy of sports reporters sucking up to Ken Griffey, Jr. 7> El Nino floodwaters: clear. Tobacco juice floodwaters: brown. It ain't rocket science, Chester. 6> Pete Rose sends Hall of Fame voting members the FTD "Let-Me-In" Bouquet. 5> The Florida Marlins trade Gary Sheffield for Harry Caray. 4> Your hubby can't get aroused unless you "bend over and sweep home plate" first. 3> Stadium hot dog vendors gleefully skim the scum off last year's weenie water. 2> Dwight Gooden finally begins to stir from his New Year's Eve stupor. and the Number 1 Sign Baseball Spring Training Has Started... 1> George Will's sphincter relaxes to nearly-human dimensions. [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 07:12:47 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: You've Had Too Much Coffee When.... - You ski uphill. - You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. - You speed walk in your sleep. - You answer the door before people knock. - Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you. - You have a bumper sticker that reads: Coffee drinkers are good in the sack. - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. - You sleep with your eyes open. - You have to watch videos in fast-forward. - The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. - You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. - You lick your coffee pot clean. - You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House" - You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there. - You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people's fingernails. - Cocaine is a downer. - The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. - All your kids are named "Joe" - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" - You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel. - You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. - You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. - You can jump-start your car without cables. - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. - You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. - You don't sweat, you percolate. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. - Instant coffee takes too long. - People get dizzy just watching you. - When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. - You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. - People can test their batteries in your ears. - Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. - You channel surf faster without a remote. - When someone asks, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." - You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can. - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. - You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. - You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. - You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar" - Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. - Your 3 favorite things in life are: coffee before, coffee during and coffee after. - You can't even remember your second cup. - You help your dog chase its tail. - You get drunk just so you can sober up. - You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. - Your Thermos is on wheels. - You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. - You introduce your spouse as your "Coffee Mate" - Your first-aid kit contains 2-pints of coffee with an I-V hookup. - You've worn out the handle on your favorit mug. - You help your dog chase its tail. - You can outlast the Energizer bunny. - You short out motion detectors. - You have a conniption over spilled milk. - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. - You don't tan, you roast. - You don't get mad, you get steamed. - Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. - You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 14:20:21 +0200 From: Alar ''The Joker'' Subject: Re-Run: (1 y.) Impotence and bread - (adult theme) Originally From: chngch@singnet.com.sg (Darren Chng) Date: Mon, 03 Mar 1997 18:04:20 GMT --- Fr: omnipotent1 The young man was distressed when for no apparent reason he found himself impotent. Consulting a psychiatrist, he was thrilled to learn that the problem was physical rather than psychological, and that his ability to raise an erection would return if he put more wheat in his diet. Running to the bakery, he asked for ten loaves of whole wheat bread. "Having a party?" the baker asked. "No," said the young man, "it's all for me." Surprised, the baker said, "But it'll get hard in a day or two." "In that case," replied the exuberant young man, "let me have thirty loaves!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------ | Alar Pardla's Joke Collection... Collected humor since 1994 | | Have some serious fun at "Funny Jokes" - http://fun.ee/jokes/ | | Random joke from "Funny Jokes" - http://fun.ee/jokes/random.pl | ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 08:10:41 -0800 From: Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM> Subject: Placing an order A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame from top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After regaining her composure, she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again, the man thoroughly checks her out and answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over! She reaches over and slaps him across the face, with a resounding "SMACK", and storms away. The man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'." Rodney And Cathy's Joke List Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 17:42:06 -0500 From: Barcillo Subject: Why Dogs Might Be Better Than Women Why Dogs Might Be Better Than Women: 1. The later you are the more excited dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs, 3. Dogs don't notice when you call them by another dog's name. 4. Dogs are rather excited by rough play.. 5. Even fat, ugly guys can get a beautiful, loving dog. 6. Dogs really appreciate body hair. 7. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. 8. Females don't mind if you call them a "bitch." 9. Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor. 10. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. 11. A dog's parents never visit. 12. A dog's disposition remains the same all month long. 13. Dogs love long car trips. 14. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions, 15. Dogs don't hate their bodies. 16. Dogs never criticize. 17. Dogs like beer. 18. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you had. 19. Dogs agree that you sometimes have to raise your voice to get your point across. 20. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. 21. You never have to wait on a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 22. Dogs never expect gifts. 23. Dogs have no use for cards, flowers or jewelry. 24. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. 25. Dogs find you amusing when you are drunk. 26. Dogs can't talk. 27. Dogs don't put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. 28. Dogs seldom outlve you. 29. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 30. When a dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Salud!....os Barcillo barcillo@gu.pro.ec Visit The Booze Zone http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 18:40:30 EST From: CCRShipp Subject: Ban Sex (Clean) BAN SEX! You have a one in ninety-seven thousand chance of producing a politician. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chris ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 23:02:38 +0000 From: Jack Shea Subject: Talking Long Distance... While working at Radio Shack about ten years ago this lady came in and was hopping mad! She had purchased a telephone 30 days prior and now wanted a refund. The other sales people could not calm her down enough to make sense of her, so one of them came in the back to get me. I came out and asked her what the problem was. She screamed; "I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!!" I told her that was not a problem and began writing up the refund ticket. I was curious as to what could prompt this woman to be so mad at her telephone, so I said; "Miss, what happened with this phone to make you this mad?" She replied; "I STILL GOT MY PHONE BILL!!!". I replied;"...and?" She replied; "IT'S A CORDLESS PHONE!!!!" She had been on the phone for a month calling all her long distance friends and talking for hours because she thought it would be free since the phone was cordless. This actually happened at Radio Shack inEastridge Mall - Gastonia, North Carolina in 1989. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Mar 1998 to 4 Mar 1998 **********************************************