There are 7 messages totalling 363 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Teen Sex 2. 2 Puns: Ice Cream and Tim Allen 3. Top5-4/3/98 - Special Prosecutor RINGO Starr 4. Code Words 5. HUMOR Cultural differences (offends everyone] 6. Humor: More Toon druggies 7. Nixon vs. Clinton ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 03:23:58 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Teen Sex * Debby wasn't home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend's phone numbers, her Mother fired-up Debbi's computer & saw a list of e-mail addresses. She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was. Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies all saying that she wasn't to worry, that Debby was spending the night at their house and had neglected to telephone. - - - - - * The teenage girl was applying for a part time job after school. During the interview, she was asked: "What was your last position ?" Without hesitation, she replied, "Missionary." - - - - - * When I was in high-school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I were discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks. We both agreed that we'd never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive & trusting. Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's wrong." I replied, "Agreed ! You teach her what's right" - - - - - * Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father." - - - - - * A 13 year old was watching a movie on cable TV. A man ripped off a woman's blouse and said, "I want what I want when I want it !" The boy, turned on by the scene and the love-making which followed, finished watching the movie, & decided to try what he had just witnessed on the girl next door, a classmate. He went over to her house, found that her parents weren't home from work yet, and ripped off her blouse; then said, "I want what I want when I want it !" The girl stared at him and cooly replied, "You'll get what I got when I get it !" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= April is UGA HumorList Month; to subscribe, Send an e-mail to: listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 00:44:57 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: 2 Puns: Ice Cream and Tim Allen A couple with a mutual craving for something sweet drove to the nearest Baskin-Robbins. Having bought ice cream cones, they returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two crows landed on the front hood and began to churp and flutter, and to peck at the windshield. The man finally figured out what they wanted. He opened the window, and put his cone on the hood. The birds immediately settled down and began eating it. "You're wonderful." said the girl, "How did you ever think of it?" "Nothing to it," he replied. "It was just a case of .... stilling two birds with one cone." It's funny how these things come to me. I was watching Tim Allen's TV show the other night. We all know how he gets off on implements and tools. I easily could imagine him building a marvelous tool shed in the back yard, a tool shed that is the primary attraction and center of attention when looking out through the large bay window in his living room. Then, I can see him standing in the living room, looking out upon his work, and rejoicing, ... "Lord, what tools these portals see." (By Alan Combs) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 05:58:52 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5-4/3/98 - Special Prosecutor RINGO Starr April 3, 1998 NOTE FROM CHRIS: For those of our readers who have been lucky enough to be spared the daily media deluge regarding our colorful American President, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr is the man behind the efforts to investigate Mr. Clinton for activities ranging from illegal land deals to sexual improprieties to using too much toilet paper in the Oval Office bathroom. Here at Top5, we've been wondering what would have happened if someone else been appointed Special Prosecutor... The Top 15 Differences if the Special Prosecutor were RINGO Starr 15> All charges dropped after grand jury concludes, "She loves you, and you know that can't be bad." 14> Courthouse overflowing with shrieking 50-something women with heavy eyeliner and cat glasses. 13> Finally, someone the President can share a bong with. 12> Years on the case and $40 million down the drain, and he still can't prove whether Paul is dead. 11> He gets by with a little help from his sleazeball scum-sucking ambulance-chasing lawyer friends. 10> Calling for order involves an elaborate "gavel solo." 9> If you play Linda Tripp's tapes backwards, you hear, "I buried Vince Foster." 8> Pete Best shows up on every Sunday morning talk show whining about how he could do a better job. 7> Nobody seems to want to listen to the secret recordings made by Yoko. 6> Hillary dismisses the accusations as part of a "vast Blue Meanie conspiracy." 5> Sexual harassment and adultery: Who cares? Playing Fleetwood Mac at Democratic convention: Impeach him! 4> Linda Tripp suddenly ceases to be the butt-ugliest person involved in the scandal. 3> Ringo Starr: "Ludwig" refers to brand of drums. Ken Starr: "Ludwig" refers to business trip to Berlin a few years ago, the memory of which causes frequent nightmares about his *own* past being investigated. 2> Giggles uncontrollably whenever he hears Kathleen Willey's last name. and the Number 1 Difference if the Special Prosecutor were RINGO Starr... 1> No difference whatsoever -- They're both trying to get the public to buy tapes that suck. [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he can only eat for 30 minutes on break. (Thanks to Lev L. Spiro) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 06:59:45 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Code Words A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly thereafter, she anounced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large sum of money and asked her to go to Germany to wait out the pregnancy. "How will you know when the baby is born?" she asked. "Just send me a postcard and write Sauerkraut on it" he replied Not knowing what else to do, the young woman took the money and went off to Germany. Six months later, the doctor's wife called him at his office "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today", she said. "I don't understand what it means." "Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard which said: "SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WEINERS, ONE WITHOUT!!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 07:48:18 +0000 From: sarahsod Subject: HUMOR Cultural differences (offends everyone] Cultural differences: There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere .... The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming. The two Swedish men are contemplating suicide while the gorgeous woman goes on talking about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low. The Irish began by setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 12:49:12 -0600 From: "Rowe, Thomas" Subject: Humor: More Toon druggies And if they don't make the top 10 list, some other cartoons are also mighty suspicious Speedy Gonzales. Hey, c'mon. Was there ever a rodent when Amphetamine abuse is so obvious? And did you notice, he runs out and gets the food for everyone, but does he ever eat any? Elmer Fudd: No question, the boy trips on Ecstacy. I mean, listen to that laugh, would you? Miss Piggy. Bufotineine. Kermit the Frog. Need I say more? Wile E. Coyote. Now here's a total PCP burnout case. Not only does he feel no pain, but he's too brain damaged to know he's licked. Yosemite Sam is another Angel Dust suspect. His aggression knows no bounds, but despite being shot by cannons at point blank range, he just gets madder and meaner. Snoopy, of course, likes to trip out with grass. Mostly, he's pretty mellowed out, but when he gets his paws on that Hash Oil, hey, its WWI flying Ace time. What I want to know is, what does that wascally wabbit Bugs use??? ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 20:16:40 -0500 From: C and R Subject: Nixon vs. Clinton Nixon vs. Clinton Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Waterbed Nixon: His biggest fear was the cold war Clinton: His biggest fear is the cold sore Nixon: Carpet Bombing Clinton: Carpet Burns Nixon: His Vice President is a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a Geek Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop Kissing Her Nixon: His Nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No Difference Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapes Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD Bra in his brief case Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's the One" Clinton: Known for women pointing and saying "He's the One" Nixon: Famous for Widow's Peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widow's to their peak Nixon: Well Acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well Acquainted with G Spot Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh Clinton: Took on Ho, Left Mess on Chin Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with Honor Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her.
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