There are 10 messages totalling 482 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Redneck Computer =?iso-8859-1?Q?meenin=92s?= Part 1 2. JimJr's Navy 3. Country & Western Songs 4. Humor:Poem 5. Some days are better than others 6. The Facelift 7. Time Sure is Relative 8. Why do Dogs lick themselves? 9. Women! 10. Humorous Interview... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1998 23:08:07 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Redneck Computer =?iso-8859-1?Q?meenin=92s?= Part 1 32 BIT RESOLUTION : moshun to spend four dollars ADOBE PHOTOSHOP : red bilding ware you git yur pictur took ALIAS : name ya use at a motel ADDRESS : clothes worn by women and J. Edgar Hoover ALTERNATE DRIVE : a detour APPLE : needed for pan dowdy and fritters APPLETS : little apples or fritters APPLICATION : put salve on yur skin ASCII: wen ya raise yur hand to go to the restrom ASYNCHRONOUS TRANSMISSION : wen yur truck needs fizin ATTACHMENT : feeling close to yur dog or wife BACKUP : (1) takin the truk outa the driveway (2) sleepin face down (3) whatcha do when you run across a skunk in the woods BACKUP DISC : spare frisbie BANDWIDTH: mens are larger on a watch BAR CODE: fightn rules at the local tavern BAUD RATE : hourly charge at the motel BINARY : someone who likes both men an women BIT : (1) a wager as in I bit ya can't spit that chawin tibacco across the road (2) two bits is twenty-five cents BROWSER : fella reedin PLAYBOY in the drug store BUG : (1) thing on phone to check yur wife's calls (2) reason to call in sick wen theres a ballgame BYTE : wut them dang flys and muskitos do. C++ : superior grade in skool CABLE : TV with ESPN and HBO CACHE needed when yur credit card maxs out and ya hav no food stamps CD ROM : place in the bank ware they sell thos big notes CLONES : (1) jobless fans of the jungle. (2) guys in circus in funny suits CHIP : (1) animal droppins (2) munchies fer the TV CLIPBOARD : place you keep yur ammo COBAL : baseball game with men and gals at cumpany piknics CODE : wen yu gotta snooty nose and coff CODING : illegal drug that makes you high COOKIE : snacks to keep the kids happy CRASH : (1) wen yur truk hits a tree. (2) wen you go to Juniors party uninvited (3) wacha do wen yer too tired to do nuttin else CURSOR : wucha do wen yur mad at yur wife CYBERSPACE : war ya keep yur cider and six-packs DEBUGGER : a roach motel DESKTOP : place to keep yer homework DESKTOP PRINTING : wen ya carve yur initials on yur skull desk DIGITAL : (1) a questshun as digital furgit ta bring the beer (2) numbers on a alarm clock (3) art of countin on yur fingers DIGITAL CONTROL : wut yur fingers do on the TV remote DIGITAL SIGNATURE : fingerprints DISC OPERATING SYSTEM : Wat the doc uses to fix yur floppy disc DISKETTE : female disco dancer DOMAIN : most importint as he's domain boss DOS : (1) opposite of donts (2) opposite of deeze DOT MATRIX : Tom Matrix's wife DOWNLOAD : (1) gettin the farwood off the truk (2) to flush the john DOWNTIME : period of depression DTP : baby shots to pervent sickness DRIVE COMPATABILITY : a long car ride with your wife without fightin E-MAIL : not a sissy or weeklin EDIT : wucha do with food ENCRYPTION : what the undertaker duz to ya ENDORA : Samanthas mother ENTER : notherner talk fer cumin, ya all ETHERNET : wut the doc puts on your face in surgery to make ya sleep EXPANSION SLOT : extra hole in yur belt ya use wen ya overeat FAQ : used with U, wut you yell when someone cuts ya off FAX : wucha lie about to the IRS FILE : wut yur wile uses on her nails FINGER : wat ya gives a driver wat cuts ya off FIREWALL : ware ya practises yur target shutin FLOPPY : (1) Roscoe after sex (2) pancakes FLOPPY DISK : (1) soggy pizza (2) wucha git from liftin too much farwood FONT : discover as in I font it at a garage sale FORMAT : small rug to wipe your feet on on a muddy day FORTAN : (1) tells yur future, usually inside cookies at Chinese resterants (2) lots of money FRAME : wen the cops bring ther own pot to yer party FREEZE : releases from captivity as Superman freeze the hostiges ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 03:52:45 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: JimJr's Navy * Marksmanship rated very low on most Aviator's priority lists, and I guess it irritated the hell out of our Range Instruction, a Marine. A bunch of us were trying to qualify one afternoon, and of the six men firing, not one even hit the target from 100 yards. The Sergeant shouted, "Cease firing !!! Cease firing !!! Fix bayonets and charge !!! It's your only chance." - - - - - * Back then the theory was that if Aviators were fed saltpeter it would reduce their sex drive. Wouldn't ya know, here it is over 30 years later and the damn stuff's just starting to work. - - - - - * Some of those simulated tactical situations that they gave us were so easy though. One instructor said, "You have two enemy craft of your tail closing at 400 knots. What's the very first thing you do ?" I mean, how simple can you get ? The obvious answer to anyone should be: "do 450 knots". (a knot = about 1.15 miles per hour) - - - - - * Because of the unusual duty hours at a Naval Air Station, you could pretty much find something to eat at almost any hour. At one Chow Hall the Chief in charge always used to post a sign: "Sorry, we're open !" - - - - - * While I was never the best pilot the Navy had ever seen, I did at least manage most of the time. You'd never know it though from listening to my Flight Instructor. He once told me, "Tell ya what Moore, if they ever expand the list of the 'Seven Wonders of the World', I'm gonna make damn sure that you're on there -- twice !" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= April is UGA HumorList Month; to subscribe, Send an e-mail to: listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 07:09:17 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Country & Western Songs Best of the Worst Country & Western Song Titles... 1. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 2. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed 4. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 5. How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? ===================================================== Truly Tasteless Country & Western Titles... 6. When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In 7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 8. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 9. You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too 10. Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You ===================================================== More Hilarious Hits from the world of Country Music... 11. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 12. I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy 13. I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life 14. If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will 15. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart ===================================================== Titles That Are Sure To Get A Grin... 16. She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart 17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 18. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You 19. Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) And finally... 20. They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 07:45:38 EST From: JD STONE Subject: Humor:Poem REMEMBER WHEN....... A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN.... AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN OF A GOAT..... MEG WAS THE NAME OF MY GIRLFRIEND AND GIG WAS YOUR MIDDLE FINGER UPRIGHT NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW A CURSOR USED PROFANITY A KEYBOARD WAS A PIANO MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT AND IF YOU HAD A 3 1/2" FLOPPY YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO A FILE AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME AND A VIRUS WAS THE FLU I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER AND THE MEMORY IN MY HEAD I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS THEY WISH THEY WERE DEAD -author unknown ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 09:54:11 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: Some days are better than others >From a friend: A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say...," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 11:06:18 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: The Facelift A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I have ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 15:31:49 -0500 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Time Sure is Relative Time Sure is Relative (Edited by Jim Mica) This past weekend folks around here (Upstate New York --USA) went through the semi-annual ritual of messing with clocks. We changed from Eastern Standard Time to Eastern Daylight Saving's Time. We (pretty much) all sprang forward an hour. As I said we sprang ahead, but it was not a universal time shift. One couple walked into our adult Sunday School class 3 or 4 minutes before it was to end, looking rather sheepish. She said, "No! We didn't oversleep, but we did forget to change the clocks. I was out doing some early grocery shopping when I discovered we were an hour off and we rushed like anything to get here..." It's only been about a hundred years that we've had "Standard Time Zones" here in the US. The railroads made the government set them up so that they could know just how late their trains were running. At the time farmers complained that this messing with nature would make their roosters neurotic and make their cows go dry. Since we in the US are the only modern country, I assume that other areas, like say Europe, still go by Matins and Lauds and the like. Back during WWII life got more confusing, time-wise, because they started this "Daylight Savings Time" thing to increase productivity. I have no idea how messing with clocks twice a year was supposed to do this, but I do know that the farmers complained because they feared this would make their cows neurotic and their roosters go dry. Last Saturday my elderly Maiden Aunt went to supper at the home of her friends Julie and Bob. She didn't say what time they sat down to eat --I'd guess it would have been 18:30 - 19:00-- but she was quite alarmed to see that it was about 21:30 by the clock on the wall as they were finishing their dessert. She immediately began to worry about getting back home because it was so late. When she mentioned this to Julie, Julie assured her that she had nothing to worry about. "Bob set the clocks ahead this morning." "Yes," added Bob, "I didn't want to forget to do that!" Back in the 70s {that's 1970s} we had an energy shortage here in the states. To counteract that problem the government had Daylight Savings Time start weeks earlier than usual. The farmers complained, but then I'll bet you already guessed that. I could never understand that shift because there were so few solar powered cars in those days, I mean, not like now when we're completely independent of foreign oil... Then there was the couple that arrived for church Sunday morning and were shocked to see that there was nobody in the parking lot. "Blast it all," said the husband, "I know I set the clock ahead last night!" "Oh my," said the wife, "so did I!" Now we "Spring Ahead" about two weeks after the March equinox (we used to call that one the "spring" equinox, but we have become much less north-hemisphere-o-centric these days), but we don't "Fall Back" until 5 weeks after the the September (aka 'Fall') equinox. According to the rosters and cows, this makes the farmers neurotic. My favorite "Spring Ahead" story comes from an acquaintance who is a choir director. {Hey there Greg!} One year, when the change occurred over an Easter weekend, he forgot to "Spring" and ended up walking in in time for the final hymn. Well, I'd like to write more about this subject, but as you may have guessed, I'm out of time. Besides, there's a bunch of angry chickens and bulls making noise outside my door. I wonder what that's all about? --30-- WHOA! This just in: ...from The Chronicle of Higher Education for Monday, April 6. * OHIO UNIVERSITY STUDENTS, frustrated that the advent of daylight-savings time means that bars are open 60 fewer minutes one night a year, for the second year in a row rioted in the streets early Sunday morning. Five local police officers were injured and at least 30 people were arrested among the estimated crowd of 2,000. _ Copyright (c) 1998 The Chronicle of Higher Education, Inc. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 20:22:26 -0400 From: C and R Subject: Why do Dogs lick themselves? Q: Why do dogs lick themselves? A: Because they can form a fist :-> ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1998 09:37:47 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Women! They never know what to wish,and HOW to wish do they?[enjoy,guys!] A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon," to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day the headline in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter Crushed by Two Torpedoes!" Chalapathi And More Of His Four-Line Signatures! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 23:35:03 +0000 From: Jack Shea Subject: Humorous Interview... Recently, there was a public television special honoring writer Larry Gelbart, whose credits include the TV show "M*A*S*H*," the movies "Tootsie" and "Oh, God," and the Broadway revival of "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum." At one point, Carl Reiner was seated between Gelbart and Mel Brooks, talking about the days when they all worked for Sid Ceasar. One great moment went something like this: Carl Reiner: (pointing at Larry Gelbart) I'm sitting between the wittiest and (pointing at Mel Brooks) funniest people that I know. (With perfect timing, Mel Brooks does a spit-take and sprays a mouthful of water at the audience.) Host: Can you tell us what the difference is between witty and funny? Larry Gelbart: (without missing a beat) Witty is dry. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Apr 1998 to 7 Apr 1998 **********************************************