There are 12 messages totalling 491 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. A Question On Cricket 2. Puns: Little League, The Student & The Cleaners 3. "She" Put-Downs 4. 26 THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS 5. JOKE mail-listing 6. Monica limericks 7. Saving Billy 8. Dear Paula from Lucky (satirical American political humor) 9. Silly stories 10. Derisive comments and questions about contemporary life 11. Top Ten Thing Celebrities do in their free time (Part 1) 12. ducks and elephants!? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 12:14:56 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: A Question On Cricket Q.Why does Tendulkar make good money? [Customary Scroll Down] A.Well,ya know,a good batter ALWAYS makes good dough!;-) Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 00:44:32 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Puns: Little League, The Student & The Cleaners Last week, a few miles from here, a Little League team was playing a game one evening. The ball field is adjacent to a large ranch where cattle, swine and poultry is raised. It seems that the game was very close and was hotly contested. It was the bottom of the ninth inning. The team at bat was one run behind with a runner at second base. The batter was nervous, having a count of three balls and two strikes. The next pitch might decide the game! Just as the pitch was thrown, a large hog broke through the center field fence and ran onto the field! At this exact moment, the batter managed a direct hit on the incoming pitch and launched the ball into the outfield! The ball, headed straight for the boar, and finally hit him on the flanks . As the opposing team stared at him, the pig stopped in his tracks, then grabbed the ball in his mouth, swallowed it, and ran back through the fence and disappeared! The umpire, proving that he was up to the occasion, ruled that the batting team had won, since the hit was ... an inside-the-pork home run! My son stayed up half the night studying for his English Literature exam. He would drink coffee almost constantly while attempting to read "The Canterbury Tales." I awoke at 4 A. M. and found his studying, and asked him, "What have you got there?" He answered, ... "Just my cup and Chaucer." The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater. I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there. So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong's again. Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge. And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain. The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean. The Moral: ... Two Wongs cannot make a white." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 04:08:01 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: "She" Put-Downs * She always walks the straight and narrow... Mainly because that's the way she's built * She doesn't care who she makes love to... Mainly because she's an equal-opportunity enjoyer * She must be very capable... I mean, she's worked under so many men * She even made Phi Beta Kappa -- one by one * She hates sex in the movies... Tried it once and the seat folded up * I'm not saying she lacks appeal... But she couldn't get jumped if she was playing checkers * She never makes the same mistake twice... Somehow, she always manages to find new ones * She's a true flower of womanhood... A blooming idiot * Actually she's not a complete loss... She can always be used as a horrible example * She has one bad habit that gives her away though... She likes to nip at a stranger's heels * If she ever wanted to let it all hang out... It'd take at least 2-3 trips * I'm not saying she's ugly... But she turned 3 cannibals into vegetarians - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET") (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 06:51:33 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: 26 THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS You might enjoy these. My favourite is the last one. ======================================================================== 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before. 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism. 16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it. 24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. 25. The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing. 26. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 07:00:24 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Re: JOKE mail-listing You have to send your subscripttion to "humor@uga.cc.uga.edu" and state, in the body of your note, that you wish to subscribe to the humor list. There must not be anything else in that area. My note wuold read: subscribe humor Terry, Canada ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 08:08:14 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: Monica limericks (I got these from my boyfriend) There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" on this flute made of beef that stole the front page from Kaczynski. Entry # 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. Entry # 3 Lewinsky and Clinton have shown what Kaczynski must surely have known: that an intern is better than a bomb in a letter given the choice to be blown. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 09:52:35 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Saving Billy SAVING BILLY....... Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him CPR, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!" The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?" "You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!" Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me in?" "You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this afternoon, too." After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know, can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?" Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?" "Nope," replied the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home and tell my dad what I did today, he's going to kill me!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 10:40:18 -0400 From: George Hughes Subject: Dear Paula from Lucky (satirical American political humor) (Personal and private fan mail for Paula Corbin Jones which was subpoenaed by Congressman Dan Burton and released to the public for the good of the Republican Party, truth and justice, and the right American way) Dear Miss Paula, My daddy, G. Gordon Liddy, encouraged me to write you. He is impressed with your commitment to the highest ethical standards and wonderful sense of morality. I want to thank you for what you are doing for Christian women. For too long communists and their liberal dupes have stolen credit for protecting women. Sure their equal rights and sexual harassment laws have dispensed women limited protection from brutes. But what protection have those laws given Christian women, like you, from slick talking Democrats like Bill Clinton or lesbians like Janet Reno. Your trust in your brilliant Christian Republican lawyers will yield wonderful results. Christian women need protection from seduction by fornicators and adulterers. Only atheists and other enemies of Christianity would try to exclude fornication, adultery and oral sex from our sexual harassment laws. We still have a Republican majority on the Supreme Court. With our prays and your persistence, our Supreme Court will reward Christian women with a landmark decision against the sodomites and libertines. Paula, we hate the Clintons eversomuch, maybe even more than you do. In Christian charity, Lucky ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 12:29:58 EDT From: SueS7 Subject: Silly stories After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." {You want more, you say?} The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked. "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother." ============================= "I was only all right up to about age six. After that I was more or less consistently fantastic up until about twenty-five, and since that time I have been world-class." Spider Robinson ============================= ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 15:16:20 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Derisive comments and questions about contemporary life Beware! Kenneth Starr is now providing collecting services for the IRS. He's probably trying to payoff the 40 million dollar tab. I will flip down the toilet seat if you promise to move the car seat back. What's good for one seat should be good for the other. A Dow rising toward 10,000, full employment, and an anti-impotence pill. Happy days are here again. I heard a college president say that faculty members are like computers. The newer ones run faster, do more and cost less. To be honest, a lot of us single men won't approach single women because we're sick of being shot down since we're not Leonardo DiCaprio. By the way, not many of you women are Kate Winslet, either. Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be interns! If all the world's a stage, then the audience sits where it always has: On its butt, in front of the TV. Newt Gingrich favorite non-political topic for conversation is food. I have been staring at my computer keyboard for 45 minutes and I still haven't found the "any" key. Want to lose weight? Try the Gingrich diet. YOu can eat all you want and when it's time to push for anti-tobacco legislation you lose all the pounds taken up by guts and a spine. Shouldn't the National Organization for Women change its name to the National Organization to Attack Conversatives and Defend Bill Clinton? After that new solar system forms, I plan to be its first Budweiser distributor. Most of these items are from recent issues of The Vent http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 05:18:27 -0600 From: Brandon P Ruckdashel Subject: Top Ten Thing Celebrities do in their free time (Part 1) (Discaimer) these top ten lists were not written by David Letterman but by me. Any reaccuring themes of mine and his have nothing in common and are purely Coincidence. Top ten things the Pope does in his freetime. 10. Waxes diffrent parts of his body. 9. Visits his cyper-sex chat room. 8. Get called a fagot by two elderly women. 7. Shaves unwanted hair off. 6. Prunes his Back hair. 5. Takes infrequent showers. 4. Shages females. 3. Juggles eggs. 2. Practises yoga to relieve stress. 1. Makes out with his pig. Top ten things O.J. Does in his free time. 10. Gives his time for Batered women's golf tournaments. 9. Batters women. 8. Makes and sells bloody gloves to Mark Furman. 7. Three word: Sharpens his Knife. 6. Has lae night extravaganzas with his lawyers. 5. Hides all personal belongings of any worth. 4. Donates more time to battered womens sociaties. 3. Sleeps with his pet monkey. 2. Runs his business "O.J.'s Bloody Glove Cafe. 1. Makes plans for putting out a Rap Album. Top ten things that Bill Clinton does in his free time. 10. Run's the United states of America. 9. Has intamite relationships eith intern. 8. Stockpiles Hanson's first Album. 7. Spends a little time teaching Chelsea how to screw the "people" 6. Secretly Campaigns for Polygamy. 5. Attended heavens gate meeting (until they killed themselfs). 4. Invites Marylone Manson and Micheal Jackson over for Slumber Parties. 3. Goes to white water. 2. Forgets about white water. 1. Teaches interns the "Perks" of working in the white house. _____________________________________________________________________ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 19:39:21 -0600 From: Janelle Barker Subject: ducks and elephants!? Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 May 1998 to 2 May 1998 **********************************************