There are 10 messages totalling 391 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. For Better or Much Worse... 2. Misc Puns 3. Jewish Genie (off. to Jews) 4. HUMOR: flamingo fundraiser 5. "Do You Have Cable?" & "Adam and Eve" 6. Jesus versus Satan (a real groaner!) 7. How to Lose Weight Without Exercise 8. SALOON 9. HUMOR: Men and Women ANOTHER VIEW 10. Anagrams - word games ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 03:06:14 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: For Better or Much Worse... * I often do series of jokes on male logic, but this one has to be a classic. A friend of mine kind-of summed-up his feelings towards his wife by saying: "If Candy really loved me, she would have married someone else." - - - - - * No piker herself when it comes to retorts, I once asked Mrs JimJr if she would love me when I'm old and bald. She replied, "It's tuff enough now when you're middle-aged and hairy." - - - - - * Father Tomlinson had given a rather lengthy sermon on the joys of married life. On the way out the door, Patty said to Grace, "I wish I knew as little about the subject as he does." - - - - - * I have an Uncle who firmly believes that a career and marriage don't mix. So, when he got married, he stopped working. - - - - - * I doubt there's any marriage where the partners don't quarrel once in a while. When my daughter was a teen, she greeted me one morning with: "I understand you & Mom had some words last nite." I replied, "Well... I had some all ready, but never got a chance to use them." - - - - - * I have an old friend from high school who's been married so many times, she's got rice marks all over her face. - - - - - * Always remember: Single people die young. So if you want a long slow death, get married. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= JimJr's Classy Classic Collectible Jokes Page: http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET") JimJr's Posts & complete UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 00:00:07 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Misc Puns I own a pet parrot who is very friendly and talkative. I bought a beautiful golden cage to keep him in. As I said, he is very friendly and everyone loves him. Lately, however, his droppings have become quite odoriferous. It had reached the point where you couldn't walk in the room without feeling nauseous. I tried various household solutions to clean the cage, and get rid of the odors but none would work. Finally the bird, himself, came up with the solution, singing, ... "Ammonia a bird in a gilded cage" Seems a gal was just walking into a receptionist area... when her 2 friends, Tina and Marge were sharing a very funny joke. In fact it was so funny they were in tears. The gal walked in and upon seeing this said, ... "Don't cry for me Marge & Tina. History Lesson: Did you know that in 1850, the first all-white Dalmation dog was spotted? What do the starship Enterprise, Mike Tyson and Van Gogh have in common? They are all searching for the Final Front Ear! A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, a and the police didn't have anything to go on. Nuclear physicists often have trouble concentrating on one project because they have too many ions in the fire. Did you hear about the man who couldn't find anyone to sing with? He had to buy a duet-ourself kit. Termites never die. They just go on living happily ever rafter. A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Bar tender?" A white lie is aversion of the truth Q. Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order? A. It's called Suture Self. Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage. She's sexy but not very bright -- a real foxymoron. If Paula Jones had an infestation of little blood sucking insects would it be "Paula ticks as usual"? Max was against mountain climbing. So they called him "Anti-Climb Max". My mother's sister didn't want a big fancy wedding, so my anteloped. Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work. My old cat is just not himself anymore. He's become so forgetful that today I was petting him and he made no sound at all. I think he's developed a purr senility disorder. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 07:05:03 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Jewish Genie (off. to Jews) An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black kapota coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right."OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women." ***POOF*** The Arab is turned into a Tampax. The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 09:27:18 -0400 From: "Lara B. Little" Subject: HUMOR: flamingo fundraiser This is a real, honest-to-goodness fundraiser that a church or school (I don't remember which) held in a small town in the North Carolina mountains. For 25 dollars, you could have 13 plastic pink flamingos put in somebody's yard. (Presumably they snuck around flamingo-ing yards at night?) But, if you suspected that someone might flamingo your yard, you could foil their plans by buying "flamingo insurance" and thus protecting your yard from the pink interlopers. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 14:05:09 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: "Do You Have Cable?" & "Adam and Eve" (from Alli) - - - - - - - - - I met this fine girl in a bar, and one thing led to another... I said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No, but I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..." * * * * * * * * * ( . )( . ) * * * * * * * * * Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women." she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," replied Eve. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 15:03:40 EDT From: SueS7 Subject: Jesus versus Satan (a real groaner!) Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves." =========================================== "Don't make decisions in haste that don't call for haste." Robert Heinlein =========================================== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 19:12:07 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: How to Lose Weight Without Exercise Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . . . . .50-300 Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6 Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 17:56:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: SALOON >Sent From: kheebner@juno.com A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Vegetarians eat vegetables - Beware of humanitarians! ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 12:57:02 -0500 From: Barcillo Subject: HUMOR: Men and Women ANOTHER VIEW ANOTHER VIEW OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN A woman is driving up a steep, narrow, mountain road. A man is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, "BITCH!!!" The woman immediately leans out her window and replies, "PIG!" They each continue on their way. As the woman rounds the next curve she crashes into a Big Fat Lady in High heals offering herself in the midle of the road. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 19:57:52 -0700 From: "Dr. L. A. Wilson" Subject: Anagrams - word games An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Dormitory == Dirty Room Evangelist == Evil's Agent Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em Animosity == Is No Amity Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness == Genuine Class Semolina == Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one Contradiction == Accord not in it [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. == In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. Politicians: George Herbert Walker Bush == Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog George Bush == He bugs Gore Ronald Wilson Reagan == A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo warlord) Ronald Reagan == A darn long era Leroy Newton Gingrich== Yon Right-winger Clone Margaret Thatcher == That great charmer The Conservative Party == Teacher in vast poverty "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong == A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars! ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 May 1998 to 5 May 1998 **********************************************