There are 11 messages totalling 432 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Oriental Rejection Line? 2. Chess Set 3. Small Town USA 4. The preacher 5. Is your computer male or female? 6. HUMOR:Adult Bumper Stickers.Some repeats 7. India and Pakistan Humor 8. The Doberman and the Puppy 9. The Obvious 10. Nautical Rules 11. Sex Change For Men ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 11:53:46 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Oriental Rejection Line? A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental courtesan. "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?" asked the man. "Why?" responded she. "Are you a harmonica player?" Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 00:04:16 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Chess Set A man bought a chess set and took it home. Upon opening the game he discovered that all the major pieces were missing. He called the store to complain and was told he got what he paid for because he had bought it ... in a pawn shop. For more of these puns and stories, subscribe free to "Profusion of Puns Gaggles of Groaners" by sending e-mail to : with the message: subscribe groaners exit ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 04:14:26 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Small Town USA The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what life's like there. My hometown was so small... * the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill * long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy * the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight * in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened * instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols * you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter * during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter * the local Motel 6 sleeps six * during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner * the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages * the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper * we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up * the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik * before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home * there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Complete UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 06:37:32 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: The preacher HORSE RACING A preacher wanted to earn money for his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was too steep, so the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured since he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the races. (After all, faith can move mountains). The next day the donkey came in third place. The following day in the racing form, the headline appeared: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS The preacher was so pleased with the donkey, he entered it in the next day's race. This time the donkey won. The racing form read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The ranking Bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in anymore races. The headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a convent. The following day the paper read: NUNS HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nuns to get rid of the animal so they sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the headline read: NUNS PEDDLE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS They buried the Bishop the next day. The following day's headline read: TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 07:07:33 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: Five reasons to believe computers are female: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval; 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male: 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless; 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem; 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model; 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on; 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 08:30:51 EST From: JD STONE Subject: HUMOR:Adult Bumper Stickers.Some repeats > Extreme Bumper Stickers > ======================== > > Who lit the fuse on your tampon? > Support Cannibalism-EAT ME! > God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. > I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. > I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way. > Keep honking while I reload. > Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! > Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? > Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. > 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an > amusement park. > EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. > Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. > If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. > If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. > Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. > Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. > Jack Kevorkian for White House physician. > Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers. > My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... > or something like that. > Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! > Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. > If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. > Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 07:54:59 -0700 From: Chris Ryan Subject: India and Pakistan Humor The reason that Pakistan took a few weeks longer than India in getting the nuclear testing was due to the delays on getting Windows 98 installed. India, face with same problem, used a Macintosh instead. U.S. intelligence officials, speaking under conditions of anonymity, told UGAH that the India tests were performed quicker than the Pakistan tests. ---------------- A US Congress committee held an emergency meeting last week to find out why the CIA wasn't able to warn of the India nuclear testing. A senior intelligence officer told the committee that they were busy trying to gather intelligence about Microsoft. This prompted one committee member to suggest that there is some sort Microsoft conspiracy. Microsoft Chairman and CEO Bill Gates was unavailable for comment as he was on vacation in Dallas Texas. ---------------- Now that India and Pakistan has joined the Nuclear arms race, existing Nuclear powers are trying to get them to sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. One advantage of signing it, according to sources close to the secretly held document, is the bug fix for the year 2000. "Without the fix the Nuclear capabilities are useless after January 1, 2000" ---------------- --Christopher ------------------------------- An equal opportunity Humor. No shoes, no shirt, no Humor. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 13:35:46 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: The Doberman and the Puppy The Doberman and the Puppy A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that he choked on it, sir." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 15:32:03 EDT From: Elizabeth Davis Subject: The Obvious Firm Grasp of the Obvious Department From the Notebook pages of The New Republic 1995: -------------------------------------------------------- Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995 Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us Holland Sentinal, date unknown. Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut The New York Times, November 22 Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find The Los Angeles Times, November 2 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30 Alcohol ads promote drinking The Hartford Courant, November 18 Malls try to attract shoppers The Baltimore Sun, October 22 Official: Only rain will cure drought The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men The Sunday Oregonian, September 24 Low Wages Said Key to Poverty Newsday, July 11 Man shoots neighbor with machete The Miami Herald, July 3 Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30 Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows The New York Times, March 10 Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies The Los Angeles Times, March 2 Scientists see quakes in L.A. future The Oregonian, January 28 Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning The Buffalo News, February 26 Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26 Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25 Economist uses theory to explain economy Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8 Bible church's focus is the Bible Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994 Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6 Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity The Chicago Tribune, March 5 Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear Journal of Commerce, April 20 Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2 Lack of brains hinders research The Columbus Dispatch, April 16 How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5 Fish lurk in streams Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 20:19:35 -0700 From: "Keith E. Sullivan" Subject: Nautical Rules NAUTICAL RULES In the Nautical Rules of the Road class at Massachusetts Maritime Academy, the instructor would quiz us with such questions as, "When entering harbor at night you see three vertical lights -- red, white, red. What is it?" Correct answers guaranteed weekend liberty was not withheld. One of the class asked the instructor the question, "When entering harbor at night you see four vertical lights -- red, white, red, red. What is it?" There being no such configuration in the Rules, the instructor, responded he didn't know. "It's a whore house with a virgin on the third floor." This cost my classmate a weekend liberty restriction. SKID - W1TTY [rec.humor.funny] ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 09:47:13 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Sex Change For Men There was a man who wanted to get a sex change, so finally he got it. His friends walked up to him after the sex change procedures and asked, "So how was it? Did it hurt?" So the ex-man replied, "To be honest with you guys: When they chopped my cock off it didn't hurt, when they drilled a hole for a pussy it didn't hurt, but what really hurt me was WHEN THEY DRILLED A HOLE IN MY HEAD AND TOOK 3/4th OF MY BRAINS OUT!" Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jun 1998 to 2 Jun 1998 **********************************************