There are 11 messages totalling 327 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. doggy sex 2. My Home Town (again) 3. God's Light (not off.) 4. Play on words... 5. FW: Bad news at the White House! 6. Fishin with Grandpa 7. Ol' lady 8. Huh??? 9. Rum (Pun) 10. Serves Them Right! 11. Remote Shopping ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 15:31:06 +0800 From: Mike Robertshaw Subject: doggy sex This came from out there somewhere ----- Two friends were discussing having sex with their wives. The first man says "Me and my wife sometimes do it doggy style. How about you?" The second man replies replies "Well, not exactly. We do it trick-doggy style." "Is that kinky then?" "Well, not really. You see I start it by sitting up like a dog and begging for sex. Then my wife rolls over and plays dead!" -- Mike R ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 03:45:30 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: My Home Town (again) The jokes I did the other day on "My Home Town is so small..." brought quite a response. Here are some of the additions: our city limits signs are both on the same post ! (Markey) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - the City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2 the mayor had to annex property to eat a foot long hot dog the New Years baby was born in October (Matt) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - the one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions (D.C.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - there's no place to go that you shouldn't a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes the phone book has only one page (Suzie Q) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - there's nothing doing every minute (Maria) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - at the last beauty contest, nobody won 1st, 2nd or 3rd (Pam) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - the ZIP code was a fraction second street is in the next town (Laura) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Complete UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 07:08:12 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: God's Light (not off.) This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info. ------ =_NextPart_000_01BD7B68.54BEBDE6 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII Content-ID: An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man repeated, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!" ------ =_NextPart_000_01BD7B68.54BEBDE6-- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 07:46:02 EDT From: Sue Sevin Subject: Play on words... If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed (and eventually disfigured) and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. As a student, I spent all my time wishing to be detested and degraded. On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted. ============================================== "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with." =============================================== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 14:25:05 +0200 From: Soni Satish * Datavia Subject: FW: Bad news at the White House! > A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little > late > and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even > look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room. > > "What's the matter" he asked > > "Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news" > > "What's the bad news?" > > "India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test > site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is > warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go > nuclear." > > "Oh my God, what could be worse than that?" > > "Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra..." > > ___________________________ > Satish Soni > Phone * : 011-3591719 > E-mail : SatishSo@transnet.co.za > "Fighting for peace is like *$#@ing for virginity" > ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 11:15:37 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Fishin with Grandpa Fishing With Grandpa A man and his grandson, Little Johnny, are fishing by a peaceful lake, beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?" "Can you touch your a**hole with your penis?" the grandfather asks. "No" says Little Johnny. "Then you're not big enough." A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?" "Can you touch your a**hole with your penis?" he asks. "No" says Little Johnny. "Then you're not old enough." Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, " They look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can you touch your a**hole with your penis?" asks Johnny. "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go f**k yourself," says Johnny, "these are my cookies!" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 19:13:19 +0300 From: Wezz the Warlock Subject: Ol' lady An aging lady was a frequent visitor to the face lift clinic, until one day her doctor said: "All right, mam. That was the last face lift I can do to you.". The lady was shocked and asked: "Why?", to which the doctor replied: "Because after next time you are going to have a beard." Wezz the Warlock ICQ #9701457 http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/ Pulvis et umbra sumus ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 13:57:12 +0000 From: Jack Shea Subject: Huh??? quoted a line from a Twin City-Valley Press story about the South Charleston Police Department receiving a grant to help it combat the DUI problem: "Proceeds of the grant will be used for the purpose of placing an additional officer on the roadways while under the influence." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 14:26:11 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Rum (Pun) A high ranking official from the Clinton Administration was invited to speak at a banquet tendered by the Don Q Rum Corp. in Puerto Rico. The man delivered his speech nobly, but for one fatal flaw. He persisted in referring to his hosts as the "makers of that wonderful Bacardi rum." Every time he mentioned the competing name "Bacardi", an official from Don Q would jump up and correct him saying, "Don Q, senor, Don Q !" The smiling Clinton aide would answer, ... "You're welcome." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jun 1998 09:52:38 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Serves Them Right! A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could *you* pass such a test?" Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 22:08:06 -0700 From: "Keith E. Sullivan" Subject: Remote Shopping REMOTE SHOPPING "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." Maryann Stathoulis ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jun 1998 to 4 Jun 1998 **********************************************