From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Thursday, July 02, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Jul 1998 to 2 Jul 1998 There are 12 messages totalling 441 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Maryland State Highway 2. Viagra in Italy 3. Research 4. maybe offensive to harvard grads. 5. The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 3 6. Pranks at the office 7. What Am I? 8. Justice prevails 9. Desert 10. clinton joke 11. Drunk Again 12. The Optician (Pun) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 03:38:18 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Maryland State Highway * I had to do my part in spreading the gospel of "Sexual Harassment" in the workplace. I posted what I thought was a very appropriate sign: "Women want sexual harassment in the workplace stopped. This includes verbal as well as physical harassment. They want all the off-color remarks halted; neither do they appreciate any groping, and that means no ifs, ands or butts" - - - - - * When the Office of Maintenance moved into our new fancy complex, it was decided to hire a security firm to act as night watchmen. The company was not too swift though -- during the first week we were there, somebody stole 2 nites. - - - - - * Personnel for Highway Maintenance crews are hired anytime there's a vacancy. I was interviewing one prospective employee and after I explained the salary and benefits, I asked if he had any questions. He said, "Yes, I'll really get a raise every six months ?" And I told him that as long as he performed satisfactorily, he would. "Damn !" he said. "I should have known they'd be a catch to it." - - - - - * Don't get the idea now that a lot of heavy drinkers were employed in highway maintenance. But it is worth noting that all personnel got time and a fifth for overtime. - - - - - * I had no desire to ever become a Senior Manager while working at the State Highway -- I couldn't have afforded the clothing. I mean the guys we had wore out 4 suits for every pair of shoes. - - - - - * Our Administrator always made it a point to say that he wanted no "Yes men" on his staff. After hearing that for the 167th time, a voice for the back of the meeting room said, "Hal, exactly how many 'No men' do you currently have on board ?" - - - - - * I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn. She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week." I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 12:45:42 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Viagra in Italy (Sent by a friend in Italy) 1) Prostitutes in Naples, Italy, gave their business a jump start by providing elderly clients with Viagra, Deutsche Press Agentur reported, citing the Milan-based newspaper Corriere della Sera. The call girls charged 1 million lira (570 dollars) for their services. 2) Viagra is not approved for sale in Italy, though Viagra cheese is available. An enterprising cheesemaker saw sales of its "`cheese of the forest'' soar after it renamed it Viagra, according to Agence France Presse. No dissatisfied customers have come forward. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 14:39:29 +0300 From: Daniel Rubin Subject: Research Some biological researcher experimented with a flea. He puts it on the table and says: -Jump The flea jumps 3 meter, so he writes down to his log "the flea has jumped 3 meters". Afterwards he cuts one of its legs and says again -Jump The flea jumps only 2 meter, so he writes down to the log "the flea has jumped 2 meters" Then he again cuts one more leg, again says -Jump It jumped 1.5 meter, which was also registered in the log. He continued cutting the fleas' legs until there were no legs left, he puts it on the table and says: -Jump The flea doesn't move. He says again: -Jump It doesn't move. So he writes down "The flea can't hear." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 07:10:49 -0400 From: Grady Lacy Subject: maybe offensive to harvard grads. From the Rel-humor list: ---------------------------- A Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate or the equivalent." Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad, He said, "do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 10:15:19 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 3 The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 3 Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 09:17:46 -0700 From: Rob Rosamond Subject: Pranks at the office Get everyone but your target in on it and never come by his or her office twice in a row wearing the same clothes. Sanity test... Staple ever unimportant paper on their desk together. If your target has a computer, reposition the monitor everyday. Fill an empty white out bottle with milk and replace it with your co-workers. Put a live lobster or any other creature in the file cabinet. If computer has speakers turn the volume all way up or way down depending on your mood. Taping down the switch hook buttons on a phone gets some interesting reactions. When the mark answers the phone keeps ringing. Program the mark's phone to forward to the office paging system. Ask your mark, "ARE YOU GETTING FIRED? WELL, THAT'S THE RUMOR." Does your coworker have fish in the office? Take the fish and leave a ransom note. Pull the labeled buttons off of their phone and rearrange the order and put them back on their phone. They won't be sure of which line is which or which connects them to the boss! Tape your victim's telephone receiver down at top and bottom when they are away from their desk. When they come back, call them from your desk and watch them struggle to answer. Put transparent tape over the read out of a calculator. It makes the numbers blurry. If your boss wins some kind of prestigious award, manufacture a phony memo from the company president announcing the discontinuance of the award. By a package of approximately 200 of those little paper bathroom cups and neatly arrange them all over the subjects desk. Then staple them all together and fill them with water. See how long it takes them to figure out how to get rid of this set-up without spilling water all over their paperwork, files, computer, etc... Take the paper out of the copier and write "Everything written of the flip side of this paper is a lie!" Put it back into the copier mixed with regular sheets. Buy a voice changer at Toys 'R Us and answer the phone in strange voices. Does somebody smoke at work when they're not supposed to? Put Ambesol on the filter of their cigarettes. Watch as their lips and mouth go numb when they light up! Get Valerian Root capsules (at health food stores) and when co-worker is away from desk, take his phone apart and open a capsule or two of Valerian Root in the mouthpiece then replace. Guaranteed to smell terrible! At lunch, swap the worker's real food with look-a-like dog toys. If someone is applying for a job, call them back and leave a wrong number. They go crazy for a while until you call them back apologizing. If the drawers to the victim's desk has a board under it you can take the drawer out, take the contents out, put the drawer back in, but UPSIDE-DOWN! Then, while the upside-down drawer is partially opened, put the contents back in and close it. When the unsuspecting victim opens the drawer, all the contents fall out! Take some cellophane and open up the glue bottle. Put the cellophane across the opening, then close the bottle. Watch the victim try to squeeze glue out. They either open it up to check, or they squeeze to hard, breaking the cellophane and spraying glue everywhere. Tell a new worker that everyone has tomorrow off because of the boss's religious beliefs. See if he shows up the next day. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 13:17:42 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: What Am I? This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the welllubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opeing and some from its long, glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. WHAT AM I???? As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own: "TOOTHBRUSH"!!!!! What were you thinking? ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 19:23:04 GMT From: Michael Mullen Subject: Justice prevails The Federal Government has examined all the facts and finally filed charges against TWA for the flight 800 accident. This week TWA will be = charged with littering, and subject to a hefty fine. The FAA hopes that such extreme measures will prevent future incidents. _/| =20 =3D/_/ =20 _/ | =20 ( / ,|.' =20 \_/^\/||__ http://3-cities.com/~mmullen/ _/~ `""~`"` \_ Email:mmullen@3-cities.com=20 __/ -'/ `-._ `\_\__ /jgs /-'` `\ \ \-.\ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 20:28:52 +0300 From: Wezz the Warlock Subject: Desert Okay, this is a bit of a visual joke, so tell this to your friends, and act along: A plane crashed in a desert. The survivors gathered together and the captain went to see if there's anything to eat. After a while he came back and said: "I have good and bad news: Bad news is that the only thing to eat is camel shit. The good news is:", he continued spreading his hands: "There's a loooootttt of it.." Wezz the Warlock ICQ #9701457 http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/ Pulvis et umbra sumus ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 18:01:11 -0600 From: Janelle Barker Subject: clinton joke Did you hear that Hillary Clinton has been waking up everyday at 3:00 a.m.? She has to if she wants to be the first lady! Janelle ~~~~~~~ Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 18:56:36 -0700 From: Rob Rosamond Subject: Drunk Again A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 22:58:16 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Optician (Pun) You know those one hour eye glass places they have in the malls these days where you can stand in the hallway and watch the people grind the lenses? The other day I was watching one of those guys through the glass when he tripped and fell into his grinder. . . . He made a spectacle of himself. (By Dave White) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jul 1998 to 2 Jul 1998 **********************************************