From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, July 04, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Jul 1998 to 4 Jul 1998 There are 6 messages totalling 249 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Fourth of July (Pun) 2. Insults for the Egotist 3. A Couple of Golf Jokes 4. College Football 5. Independence Day (off to persons with sunburned necks maybe) 6. Stripper Gave Customer Whiplash ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 23:35:56 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Fourth of July (Pun) It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise. Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina. Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. . . . Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 04:57:21 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Insults for the Egotist Yesterday I provided a few hints on identifying egotists and their general behavior. Today, here's a few ways to at least put a dent in their swelled heads: * _______ always enters a room voice first * _______ has had a great love affair for years -- unassisted * One thing about _______, he's always me-deep in conversation * _______'s problem is he's going thru life with his horn stuck * It wouldn't do one bit of good to for ________ to see himself as others do. He wouldn't believe it anyway * If you've never heard a good word about _______, it's only because you haven't talked to him/her * _______ keeps complaining he's not paid what he's worth. No wonder, his company would violate the Minimum Wage Law * After listening to _______ extol his virtues, more than ever, you're sure that he has that certain nothing * First impressions always count, but in _______'s case there's a lot less there than meets the eye * Someone should tell _______ that there's a big difference between working up steam and generating a fog * _______ claims he was cut out to be a genius too bad no one ever put the pieces together - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 07:07:30 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: A Couple of Golf Jokes The Golf Pro ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am , to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?" *************************************************************************** A Long Shot ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 13:09:37 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: College Football College Football The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 16:05:34 -0400 From: rlb Subject: Independence Day (off to persons with sunburned necks maybe) Many years ago at the age of 14 or so I was on a bus returning home from a spectacular 4th of July fireworks show. It was a hot, humid New Jersey night and the bus wasn't moving because it was trapped in a humongous traffic jam. It was late and tempers were short all around. At one point I looked out the window and said half to myself half out loud: "For this we fought a revolution?" A wave of laughter rolled through the bus and the temperature seemed to cool appreciably. To commemorate that event, here's the lyrics to "Independence Day". For the tune, call at http://www.twistedtunes.com/ Happy 4th to y'all. Bob Istanbul Independence Day (c) Bob Rivers & Twisted Radio There's a holiday that celebrates the American way of life. Gonna have a barbecue with all my children and my wife. Picked up some cherry bombs at a roadside stand today. Gonna blow stuff up for freedom; and they can't take that away. If you're proud to be an American Set your fireworks off with me And be careful or you'll lose an eye So hide behind that tree, everybody STAND BACK fifty feet and enjoy this big display 'Cause this stuff is pow'rful contraband. God bless the USA. [Fireworks sounds] Got a dozen Roman candles, quarter-sticks of TNT A box of bottle rockets--I bought 'em legally. From Detroit down to Houston, and New York to L.A. There's a fire in every American yard every Independence Day. And I'm loud, I'm free, I'm American And as proud as I can be And I'd like to thank the Chinese guy Who made this stuff for me. Everybody STAND BACK fifty feet just in case it heads your way 'Cause I'd hate to see you lose a hand [Choral backup] Lose my hand On Independence Day. [Fireworks sounds] ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 22:03:25 EDT From: Steve Yothment Subject: Stripper Gave Customer Whiplash From the July 2 Atlanta Journal-Constitution: "Stripper Gave Customer Whiplash, Lawsuit Claims" - "Bachelor party fun backfired in Florida" Clearwater, Fla. (AP) -- A man suing a topless club says an exotic dancer gave him whiplash during his 1996 bachelor party when she slammed her generous chest into his head. "I saw stars," said Paul Shimkonis. "Aparently she jumped up and slammed her breasts into my head and just about knocked me out. It was like two cement blocks hit me." Shimkonis said he hurt his neck and back at Diamond Dolls in Clearwater when Tawny Peaks, who boasts of a 60-HH bust, surprised him. He was there with friends on Sept. 27, 1996, for a night out before his Oct. 5 wedding. He said he was too embarrassed to go to the doctor for three months. Nearly two years later, he said, he was still in pain and the club wouldn't pay his medical bills. So he sued. "I can't turn my neck to the right at all. I have to turn at the waist." said Shimkonis, 38. "When I tell people how it happened, they just laugh. At work, I just don't tell them anymore." Shimkonis is seeking more than $15,000 in damages in a suit filed Tuesday in Pinellas County Circuit Court. Vinny Radene, a club manager, said he didn't see the incident or hear about it, but thought the suit was "kind of silly." - Steve Yothment, Lawrenceville, GA ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jul 1998 to 4 Jul 1998 **********************************************