From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Monday, July 06, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Jul 1998 to 6 Jul 1998 There are 9 messages totalling 596 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Life in Columbia Maryland 2. Ethel (adult) 3. (Adult Content) Camelot 4. The Henpecked Hubby 5. Horse Ride 6. Return from Overseas (Pun) 7. Humor - Wierd Business News #6 8. Dilbert wanna be: 8-14 out of 14 9. travel language joke (offensive to asians) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 03:22:04 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Life in Columbia Maryland * Columbia's Twelve-Step Program for those residents recovering from Twelve-Step programs meets every Thursday at The Serenity Center. - - - - - * The Columbia Community Players recently presented 3 plays about Love at the local community college. They were listed as: "Money, the Universal Language"; "To See or Be Seen"; & "Glittering Gold". - - - - - * A carillon concert was held at Centennial Park. In keeping with the tradition of summer cook-outs, pit Quiche Lorraine was offered to listeners as refreshments. - - - - - * A drill was held by the SARtrek Search and Rescue Team of Columbia. All participants carried backpacks fulled loaded with Pierrer, the "Wine of the Month" and Chevre-Peppered Smoked Salmon Croutes. - - - - - * A pre-kindergarten program for low income families in Columbia has been expanded to two new schools this year. To qualify, parents must have combined incomes of less than $ 255,000. - - - - - * Food baskets for the underprivileged were delivered by students to earn credits towards their community service requirements. All families in Columbia owning less than two BMW's were selected to receive this month's 4th of July picnic baskets. - - - - - * A messy strike was avoided recently when all of the members of Columbia's blue-collar workers ratified a new one-year contract. All seven of the blue-collar union members in this city of 90,000 said they were pleased with the contract's terms. - - - - - * The PGA's Seniors Tournament being held at Columbia's Hobbits Glen this week is expected to generate $15 million in additional sales for local businesses. A spokesman for the Columbia Association said the additional 4.7% in average weekly revenue for the merchants should help provide smaller bills to make change for the Seniors. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 11:42:51 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Ethel (adult) Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually joined in! One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a resident stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?". Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. "OK" he said and she went on her way. After taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got a valid tax decal for your vehicle, Madam?". Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer-coaster which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third resident stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding a sizable erection in his hand..."Oh no," said Ethel, "...not the breathalyzer again!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 08:56:06 -0700 From: Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM> Subject: (Adult Content) Camelot King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect milady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" "Mmmphmp," said Sir Galahad. Rodney And Cathy's Joke List Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 11:03:54 -0500 From: RAINYBOW Subject: The Henpecked Hubby A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Rainbow~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 14:59:02 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Horse Ride A Harrowing Horse Ride Not to long ago a blonde woman I know had a near death experience that has changed her forever. She was horseback riding, and everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Her foot became caught in the stirrup. She fell head first to the ground and her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just when things were looking their worst, as she was giving up hope and about to lose consciousness, there was a miracle: The Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 12:33:13 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Return from Overseas (Pun) A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to Bombay and Calcutta where he purchased two diamond necklesses. On his return flight to the United States, he had to go through customs where he was asked to list eveerything he had purchased on his trip. So he made . . . the declaration of Indian pendants. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 16:57:59 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Wierd Business News #6 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Jim Barlow's Column, Houston Chronicle: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOR those who had a fifth on the Fourth and aren't up to the harsh realities of the business world -- lighten up with some Weird Business News. The Best Business Invitation of the Month was the mysterious one, no company name attached, inviting me to "Please join us in celebrating the birth of Chewy, the gorilla." Vital statistics included a weight of 45,000 pounds and length of 32 feet. Chewy turns out to be owned by Medwaste Technologies Corp. of Houston. Chewy grinds up medical waste, disinfects it, then spits it out. Now aren't you glad you know that. Our Road Sign of the Month comes to us courtesy of Travel Weekly, a trade magazine. It was at a resort hotel in England and warned, "Beware. Slow Moving Hedgehogs." Product of the Month -- the Safesun. A palm-size ultraviolet meter. You punch in your skin type and the sunscreen you're wearing. It beeps before you burn. Product of the Month (second place) to VMM Enterprises of Clearwater, Fla., which is marketing the world's first training bra for adult women. And speaking of hot news. Balance Bar has been named the Official Energy Bar of the Suzuki Rock 'n' Roll Marathon of San Diego, Calif. More hot news. Nearly two-thirds of all companies have employees looking at smut on the Internet during business hours, using company computers. That was brought to you by Elron Software, which (no surprise) makes Elron Internet Manager, which allows companies to snoop on their smut-smugglers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 18:59:30 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: Dilbert wanna be: 8-14 out of 14 This was forwarded to me by a friend who seems to have gotten it from dndlea@xxxxxxx.com (Donn) ----------------------------------------- A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They writers were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions: 8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation) 9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists) 10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division) 11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards) 13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) 14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company:" Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!" ! ! ! --------- End forwarded message ---------- ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 20:51:03 -0400 From: Michael Pollak Subject: travel language joke (offensive to asians) This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees." Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS: "Rye. Ruin sorbees. Morny! Jewish to odor sunteen??" G: "Uh, yes, I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please." RS: "Ow July dee baychem - crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine" RS: "Hokay. An San toes?" G: "What?" RS: "San toes. July San toes?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! Toes! Why jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No, just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter - just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G: "You're welcome" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Jul 1998 to 6 Jul 1998 **********************************************