From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, August 02, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Aug 1998 to 2 Aug 1998 There are 5 messages totalling 233 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Blonde joke 2. Life in General 3. More Female Bashing (adult) 4. How to Write a Graoner (Pun) 5. 2 Story House ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 31 Jul 1998 22:13:35 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: Blonde joke Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!" steven ICQ# 13621615 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 03:39:19 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Life in General * It's been my experience those who complain the loudest that they don't get everything they deserve should be thankful they don't. - - - - - * Speaking of loudmouths (I was), isn't it a shame that those who lose the art of conversation don't also lose the power of speech. - - - - - * Have you ever noticed that no matter what happens some relative, friend or neighbor knew it would, and predicated it months ago. - - - - - * In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale; behavioral differences are due to their unequal activity. - - - - - * Mrs JimJr claims that being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men. - - - - - * Did ya ever notice in the classifieds all of the best jobs, with the highest pay, are found in the "situations-wanted" section ? - - - - - * The very best host/hostess are able to make their company feel at home, even when they wish they were. - - - - - * Don't despair about aging. Just remember that with every passing birthday, everyone else you know is a year older also. - - - - - * Always stand ready to aid a friend who's in serious trouble. They will never forget you. They'll call every time they're in trouble. - - - - - * There are only two classes of people in the world. The righteous and the unrighteous. The classifying is done by the righteous. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 09:13:37 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: More Female Bashing (adult) She does not: GET PMS She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL She does not have: A KILLER BODY She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE She is not: A BAD COOK She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE She is not: A BAD DRIVER She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED She is not: A PERFECT 10 She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR She is not: EASY She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED She does not have: SEXY LIPS She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT She does not get: DRUNK She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER SERVED You do not ask her: TO DANCE You request: A PRECOITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE She is not: A GOSSIP She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER She does not have a: GREAT BUTT She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED She is not: COLD OR FRIGID She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK) Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED She will never: GAIN WEIGHT She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION She does not have: A HARD BODY She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE She does not: SUN BATHE She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT Her breasts will never: SAG They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH She is: OVERLY SUCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS She does not: CUT YOU OFF She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE She does not have: BIG HAIR She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED She does not: SNORE She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE She does not: GET DRUNK She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC She does not have: BIG HOOTERS Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER She is not: TOO SKINNY She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 17:43:36 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: How to Write a Graoner (Pun) You too can write puns. Here is how you do it in one easy lesson .... Ranch furnishing in the sage brush country is informal and haphazard. For instance, picture a kitchen with a wood range for cooking and as well, there is a second, older stove, rusting and decrepit, no longer useful except as a table. On top of it sits a squat ice refrigerator to keep the ranch fruit and milk cool during the hot summer. It also holds some beer. Got the scene? The door opens and in comes Cactus, one of the hands. He reaches into the old refrigerator for a beer, holds it down on the top to uncap it, the froth bubbles up and flows down the cold bottle and from there it drips on to the old stove. Thus there will be ... foam on the range where the beer and the cantaloupe stay.... Now, you try! . (By Himie Koshevoy) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 23:14:51 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: 2 Story House A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Aug 1998 to 2 Aug 1998 **********************************************