From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Monday, August 03, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Aug 1998 to 3 Aug 1998 There are 10 messages totalling 386 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Generic Drug Names 2. Football 3. call of the wild 4. What On Earth Is Going On??? (adult) 5. Sadistic Jokes (sick) 6. The Merits of a Mistress 7. 8. Water, Water! 9. The Exam (Pun) 10. If cars were like computers ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 02:10:24 -0400 From: Steve Cox Subject: Generic Drug Names All Drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is Acetaminophen Advil is Ibuprofen And so on... What's the generic name for Viagra? > > > > Mycoxafailin ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 03:38:03 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Football * Believe it or not, even though it's still 90-100 degrees in the US, football teams are gearing up to start the season. This year, the Univ of Maryland is adding another squad to resolve some of the problems they had last year. In addition to offense, defense, and special teams, there will be a squad to attend classes. - - - - - * Football is supposed to build bodies. HAH ! I never miss a Dallas CowBoy game on TV, and yet I'm still overweight. - - - - - * Some of the biggest players in pro football are the linemen. In fact, they're so big, it only takes 3 of them to make a dozen. - - - - - * At some of the colleges this year, they're trying very hard to come up with an institution of which the football team can be proud. - - - - - * For those of you who've never seen a football game, eleven men on opposing sides try to move a small object a hundred yards. It's about the same as the US Post Office. - - - - - * Football, unlike most other sports, is played regardless of the weather. During one game where it was raining sideways, the team that won the toss said they would "Kick off with the tide." - - - - - * During a Southern Methodist-Notre Dame football game last year, the SMU people in Dallas yelled their lungs out. Nobody rooted harder than a Priest. During a break in the action, a fan seated next to him said, "Pardon me Father, but why aren't you cheering for Notre Dame, being a Catholic and all." "Son !" replied the Priest, "I'm first and foremost a Texan !" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 13:29:36 GMT From: Michael Mullen Subject: call of the wild John Magrich 4, defeated serval dozen grown-ups to win the=20 1965 Los Angles County Hog Calling contest. The grown-ups strained with calls like: "Pig, Pig, Pig WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, Pig, Pig, Pig" or "OOOOooooeeee, OOOOooooeeee ERGH, ERGH RRrkie, RRoooeee, Pig Pig Pig, = Piggy. John cried. "Here piggy piggy." and 6 pigs walked right up to him. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 10:02:41 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: What On Earth Is Going On??? (adult) After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it, a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid that it has reached epidemic proportions. "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?" "I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter. "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did. Do you know what the letter said? (scroll down) No? (scroll down a little more) Hmmm...You didn't get the letter either, huh? ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 13:04:57 -0400 From: Filip Razvan Ghitescu Subject: Sadistic Jokes (sick) - Mommy, can I play with grandpa? - OK, but it is the last time we'll dig him out --------------- A voice in the dark: -Daddy, how far lives granma from here? - Shut up and keep digging! --------------- - Alina, stop playing with the scissors: you dropped fingers allover the place! --------------- - Mommy, can I eat one of grandpa's ears? - Not yet, let him boil for five more minutes ---------------- Masochist: Beat me, please beat me!! Sadist: No way! ---------------- Filip Ghitescu ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 14:20:44 -0500 From: RAINYBOW Subject: The Merits of a Mistress An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!" -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Rainbow~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 22:46:01 +0100 From: Big Steve Subject: get humor log00001 get humor log00002 get humor log00003 get humor log00004 get humor log00005 get humor log00006 get humor log00007 get humor log00008 get humor log00009 get humor log00010 get humor log00011 get humor log00012 get humor log00013 get humor log00014 get humor log00015 get humor log00016 get humor log00017 -- Big Steve stem@enterprise.net http://homepages.enterprise.net/stem -----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- Version: 2.6.3i mQCNAzWATjcAAAEEAM0MfKyuiV80V/JI0MzKilIc2buvhODMdHAsktwGRlSWRHH8 0vh0/4M/cP/YwvlekrJU3903+5Thqrbp1uUCHKttUDqrMExqVGxP9tHe+w6p1xmP n50th+A2Gr8dCceC6Y5QRgPFlgy4b0Aj7cTz7AybLh3OilZphFktuO3jFjgVAAUR tCZTdGVwaGVuIE1ldGNhbGZlIDxzdGVtQGVudGVycHJpc2UubmV0PokAlQMFEDWA TjdZLbjt4xY4FQEB4r8D/0dBPn8NxZz83BAVW8Ld+2f9rRvMGJaw8pAU25iQ6IfE /vA84QhxOm9F/1WlCnN6yBcbpgJAk9hbQcBCa1tYxoSuMBJLt6y/PQrxrKvjW6WD dmxYX9UIRf5uhnIx/eNfsPzyRZ1WjbRHOa0bA17+R8z85yFXkIkRoOFc8XelWBdm =S9s8 -----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 19:47:50 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Water, Water! A man was crawling across the Desert dying of thirst, when a camel raced up and stopped. An Arab jumped down opened a suitcase and said, "Would you like to buy a tie?" "No," said the man, "I need water, do you have water?" "No," said the Arab, "but I do have a wonderful selection of ties." He rode off, and the unfortunate man continued crawling across the hot sand until he came to a beautiful Hotel. He crawled up the steps,crying "Water! Water!" The Manager approached him and said, "I'm sorry Sir, you can't come in here without a Tie!!!!" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 18:23:57 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Exam (Pun) The teacher left her aide in the classroom to distribute the examination materials to the graduating class of the all-male private school. Her final instructions were "Be sure to hand everything out very carefully and deliberately." The aide puzzled over this for a moment but couldn't understand it. He began giving out the papers, but due to his inexperience found himself only a quarter done with just a few minutes left until the exam was due to start. Desperate, he gathered up the rest of the sheets and began to throw them across the room, yelling "Catch!" to each student as he did so. At first it was kind of a playful game, but soon he noticed that even the students not involved in the sport were beginning to breath heavier. As the panting turned into grunting, he began to be a little nervous and backed toward the door, staring from side to side as the behavior became more and more -- the only word he could think of - - primitive. As he reached the bottom of the pile of papers and pitched it to the last student, the room erupted with howling and growling. He was certain he could see the students physically transforming before his eyes. With a shout of fright he turned and ran as quickly as he could to the teachers' lounge. The teacher took one look at him and leapt to her feet. Startled, he put a hand to his face and, with a shock, felt a heavy growth of beard that certainly hadn't been there that morning. Without a word, the teacher rushed from the room, grabbing her aide's wrist on the way by. Frantically, they sprinted back to the classroom. As they rounded the corner, they saw that they were too late. The door had been torn from its hinges and they glimpsed the hairy back of the missing-link-like creature that, until mere minutes before, had been a student with at least a veneer of civilization. They entered the classroom side by side and stopped dead, as though choreographed. The destruction was complete: desks smashed into fragments, blackboards cracked, shredded sheets of the exam everywhere. She said nothing, but the teacher's eyes were full of reproach. "But why did it happen?" asked the bewildered assistant. "You fool, Don't you know what happens to men ... when they get too much test tossed around?" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 23:10:55 EDT From: Eric Barr Subject: If cars were like computers *Note: I am unsure whether this is true, but it is still funny. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Aug 1998 to 3 Aug 1998 **********************************************