From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Thursday, August 06, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Aug 1998 to 6 Aug 1998 There are 14 messages totalling 495 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Dear Mom and Dad, 2. Toughest Hooker In The Yukon (adult) 3. Trip to Europe 4. humor: That famous blue dress 5. Finding the right girl 6. It's A Wacky World - #52 (Nudity) 7. Top5 - 8/5/98 - 21st Century Religions (fwd) 8. The REAL Microsoft power toys 9. Misunderstanding (sick, adult language, offensive to gays) 10. Wishes.. 11. 2 Racehorses 12. The Lock Keeper (Pun) 13. Oregon 14. Applications ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 03:35:32 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Dear Mom and Dad, Kids at camp write home not thinking of the impact of their words: * For example, one tyke wrote: "My counselor said he doesn't think the flood waters will come up this high." - - - - - * Another child away from home wrote that they had been taking some rather long hikes. He requested his other sneaker be sent to him. - - - - - * A rather short note not saying much was received by two parents: "Dear Mom & Dad, They're making us write home. Love, Thomas" - - - - - * A fishing novice reported that he had caught a catfish over a foot long and hid it in his bunk, but it was beginning to smell. - - - - - * "Dear Mommie, The Doctor said the rash should go away by the time camp is over." - - - - - * "Having a wonder time. We swim, camp, hike and play games. After lights out we cry ourselves to sleep every night." - - - - - * "Dear Mom & Dad, Everything's fine except a lot of the girls here have dire rear." - - - - - * "Dear Mom, This place is neat. I've seen some of the biggest snakes ever ! How many can I bring home ?" - - - - - * "Dear Mom, I'm hungry all the time. Please send me more food. All they serve here is meals." - - - - - * "Dear Mom, Computer Camp's lots of fun. My counselor showed me how to see what the Army's doing. Tomorrow we get to read CIA stuff." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 07:07:52 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Toughest Hooker In The Yukon (adult) One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right. The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 09:33:47 EDT From: Sue Sevin Subject: Trip to Europe A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry" =================================== "Life is about change. More than that, life is like riding the bus, it requires change." Dennis Miller =================================== ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 10:06:32 -0500 From: "Rowe, Thomas" Subject: humor: That famous blue dress You know, it just dawned on me the FBI is going to have a heck of a time with Monica Lewinski's stained dress. It was Navy blue - there's probably been lots of sea men all over it. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 09:03:14 -0700 From: Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM> Subject: Finding the right girl Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates. Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?" Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?" Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends." So do I owe you a Mazel Tov? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!" Rodney And Cathy's Joke List Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 11:19:58 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: It's A Wacky World - #52 (Nudity) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~= ~~~~ * Endowed with certain unalienable rights . . . * By Anne E. Kornblut, Globe Staff, 08/05/98 Katherine Tyrol just wanted to tell the naked truth. And so, after slipping into the women's bathroom at the L. L. Bean headquarters in Maine, she cast aside her tank top and capri pants and sprinted through the showroom nude - except for the backpack slung across her back. ''I was just kind of sick of the establishment and all that stuff,'' said Tyrol, 18. ''I think it's really oppressive that the government decides what part of me has to be covered.'' The fast dash through the 24-hour store in Freeport took place at about 12:30 a.m. last Wednesday, a company spokeswoman said. The arrest followed a few minutes later. She was charged with indecent exposure and ordered to return to court Sept. 2. Officials dismissed the incident as a consequence of operating round-the-clock outlet. ''Some customers did happen to be in a position to catch an eyeful,'' said spokeswoman Catharine Hartnett. ''She never told us what cause she was supporting.'' Tyrol, who graduated from Morse High School in Bath in the spring, admitted that boredom played a role. She and three friends were in the store only because ''nothing in Maine is open 24 hours.'' But it was partly philosophical, too. Tyrol, a waitress in Brunswick, said nudity appealed to her urges to fight the ''really Puritan'' elements of her hometown of Bath. And she vowed not to be deterred by the resistance she met last week. ''I would like to be naked all the time,'' she said. ''But not at work. Because then I'd spill things on me, naked, instead of on my clothes.'' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~= ~~~ =A9 Copyright 1998 Globe Newspaper Company. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~= ~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 13:10:38 -0400 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 8/5/98 - 21st Century Religions (fwd) [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ] August 5, 1998 The Top 13 New Religions for the 21st Century 13> The Cult of Saint Pamela, "Our Lady of the Anatomical Enhancements" 12> X-TREME RELIGION!!! 11> The Holy Lillith Church of the Minor-Keyed Female Vocalist 10> Joe-piscopal 9> Star Trek - The Next Denomination 8> Leonardo DiCatholic 7> Branch Hansonians 6> Church of the Everlasting Independent Counsel 5> Microsoft Second Coming 99 beta 4 4> Two words: Jesus Spice 3> Harry Caray-Ishna 2> Crystal Methodist and Top5's Number 1 New Religion for the 21st Century... 1> Hey Judaism ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances You know how if you chop off a lizard's tail, it'll grow back? I wanna be the guy who finds out about stuff like that. (Thanks to Craig Stacey) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 13:34:31 -0400 From: rlb Subject: The REAL Microsoft power toys The following is from the Letters column of the 25 July 1998 issue of The Economist and is one of the best of the many replies to an article by Bill Gates that appeared in the same newspaper two weeks earlier. --- The Economist Letters 25 July 1998 SIR--Mr Gates's arguments may also be applied to the electricity utility business. If I were the head of Gas & Electric, the first thing I would do is declare that we sell energy systems, not power, and that customers tell us that they want a familiar energy environment wherever they go. The first step would be to integrate a smart fridge into the overall energy system as it is the first appliance opened by most users and real-time monitoring of beer temperature increases satisfaction with the energy environment for 78% of all customers. Customers would be free to use other fridges, even making someone else's their default appliance. However, if they try to remove the Gas & Electric fridge their television and air conditioner might not function properly. When a circuit fails in an older home we would repair it with a "service pack" that also installs our fridge, eventually introducing all customers to our energy environment. We would also encourage homebuilders to "bundle" our innovative Laundry Suite into all new home sales. If builders made exaggerated claims that they could not refuse our Laundry Suite because they might lose their power connection, I would be required to enforce our industry standard non-disclosure agreement. For the first six months we would also give away the innovative Gas & Electric Power Mailbox as part of the Laundry Suite. It not only receives letters but also records all return addresses, birthdays and visiting habits of in-laws, scheduling thank-you notes and utility payments. Of course, the current version of Power Mailbox takes up half the pavement and all of the attic, disables the fax, takes 12 minutes to disgorge letters and occasionally freezes everything in the fridge; forcing one to turn off all the lights, throw away the frozen fruit and restart dinner. However, attic space will become much less expensive in the 21st century, we will soon introduce a new fruit-recovery utility and version 3.0 will open the mailbox in under two minutes. Once installed, homeowners are not authorized to remove it. Yet, as it is free we will have saved our customers money compared with manual mailboxes, making it all but impossible for the authorities to complain. (Thanks to James Quinn, the letter's author) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 18:06:20 -0400 From: Filip Razvan Ghitescu Subject: Misunderstanding (sick, adult language, offensive to gays) 1. Two faggots were looking at a dog that was sucking its own dick. - Gee man, I wish I could do that! - Don't you think you should domesticate it first? 2. A trafficant gets emprisoned. As he enters his cell, the HUGE brawny gay cell-mate welcomes him: - Now sweety, we two are going to have sex. Watcha wanna be: mommy or daddy? The trafficant turns white, starts trembling and says half dead: - I guess I'll be daddy... - OK. Now suck your mommy's dick! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 17:16:40 -0500 From: RAINYBOW Subject: Wishes.. The richest man in the world knew he was going to die and he wanted to set up his three children in business. He asked his oldest son what he wanted to do. The boy said he liked cars, so dad bought him General Motors. Then the dad asked his daughter what she wanted to do. She said she liked talking on the phone, so dad bought her AT&T. Now the youngest was only six years old, but dad knew he would understand. The boy said he wanted a Mickey mouse outfit, so dad bought him the Dallas Cowboys.... -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Rainbow~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 18:39:36 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: 2 Racehorses Two racehorses were sitting in a bar one day reminiscing over their past triumphs. Both had been very successful but had recently lost form. "I was OK until three weeks ago", said the white horse, "I was ahead of the field in the last race at Kempton Park, leading by six lengths as we came into the final straight, and then I got this incredible searing pain all the way down my back and I stumbled and fell. Ever since then I havn't been able to run at all." "It's funny you should say that", said the black horse, "because I was running in the last race at Haydock Park two weeks ago, and the same thing happened to me. I was ahead of the field by five lengths, and as we rounded the final bend I suddenly felt this intense stabbing pain all the way down my back, and I stumbled and fell. I havn't been able to run since then either". "Excuse me", said a greyhound who was sitting at the bar beside the white horse. "I couldn't help but overhear what you have been talking about. I was running in the last race at Deptford last week, leading by four lengths, and as we came into the final straight I got an intense pain down my back and I stumbled and fell. I have hardly been able to walk since then." "Cor! Blimey!", said the white horse, "It's absolutley incredible. Who would have believed it? A *talking* dog!" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 15:50:44 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Lock Keeper (Pun) What a terrible job had Herbert. His place of business was Lock No, 3 on the Saint Lawrence Seaway and his only responsibility was to keep its walls and gates free of scum and all sorts of other smelly things. Working with a long brush from the top, he would lean out over the water in the lock at perilous angles in the pursuit of coagulation. Herb took so many risks that many a yachtsman passing up the lock would shout up to him to take more care. The warnings only made him furious, and his well-wishers would be startled by the torrent of invective coming down to them from above which their words provoked. Finally the head lock keeper had to post a sign of warning which read: ... Hell hath no Fury Like a Scum Man Warned. (By Himie Koshevoy) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 18:55:11 -0700 From: "Keith E. Sullivan" Subject: Oregon INSTRUCTIONS While waiting for a prescription, I overheard the pharmacist give instructions to a man at the counter. "Take one capsule twice a day with plenty of water," she said. "This medication can make your skin sensitive, so try to avoid exposure to the sun." He gave her a quizzical look and said, "You're new here in Oregon aren't you?" Harry J. Kantas ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 Aug 1998 09:38:08 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Applications 1.A candidate sent an application to a firm as under: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both , I am applying for the post." 2.An employee applied for leave as follows: "Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. please sanction me one week leave"... 3.Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return , plaese grant me half day casual leave." Chalapathi :-) "Energy equals milk chocolate square" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Aug 1998 to 6 Aug 1998 **********************************************