From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, September 02, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Sep 1998 to 2 Sep 1998 There are 16 messages totalling 534 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. School Daze 2. Sexual inuendo 3. "Heaven's Clocks" 4. Assorted Smiles 5. Humor: Off the Wall 6. Good Health 7. The CaT tesT 8. Quotes - Women's points of view 9. Gittin' Hitched... 10. Coming out 11. Humor - Goldie Oldie 12. Christmas party (adult) 13. Playground Rules 14. Voice Recognition 15. AOL Price Raises 16. NIPPLE FACTORY ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 03:23:33 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: School Daze * I remember once in elementary school, I was home sick for over a week. My teacher sent my Mother a "Thank-you" note. - - - - - * A boy was reprimanded for not writing a book report on a Dickens novel. He said, "I couldn't help it. We couldn't get the video." - - - - - * The teacher was surprised to get a note from a Mother the very first day of school, since her child was present. All it said was: "Please excuse Paul for being. It was his Father's fault." - - - - - * Lil' Bradley came home complaining after his first day of school. "I'm not going back tomorrow. I can't read yet. I can't write yet either, and the teacher won't let me talk." - - - - - * During the afternoon session, a new and very tired kindergarten teacher was leading a class of five-year-olds in some strenuous exercises. As she tapped out the rhythm she chanted: "Come on, wear yourselves out ! Come on, wear yourselves out !" - - - - - * A teacher asked her class to make a list of who they thought were the greatest Americans. One little boy seemed to be having a lot of trouble. She asked if he needed help, and he replied, "No, I just can't decide who should be playing third base." - - - - - * The teacher was instructing her students on how she expected them to behave. "If you have to go to the bathroom, please raise two fingers." She demonstrated holding her arm straight up. From the back of the room came a tiny voice: "I don't see how that's going to help anything." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 06:25:24 -0400 From: Grady Lacy Subject: Sexual inuendo From a French language joke list (What follows is my translation of the joke that was originally posted in French): +------------------------------------------------------------------------+ A Belgian couple was making love in their car parked along the side of the road. A policeman knocks on the window; the man opens it, and the policeman says: "Bonjour, monsieur. What are you doing here?" "I'm making love." "That's illegal here... That will be a 200 (Belgian) franc fine." At this point, his ladyfriend appears: "What's going on, cheri?" "Oh! Since there are two of you, the fine will be 400 francs!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 06:41:06 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: "Heaven's Clocks" "Heaven's Clocks" A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon the guy's passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 07:55:32 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Assorted Smiles These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it. ************************************************* Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. ************************************************ Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until they talk. ************************************************ A guy walks into a Greeting Card Shop, and asks, "Can you tell me where you keep those blank cards? I need one for somebody I'm not talking to." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 10:35:40 EST From: JD STONE Subject: Humor: Off the Wall oldy but goody..... Time-Travel Blues You've heard of every kind of blues there is, I hear you say? Well, I'm, leavin' here tomorrow...and I just got back back today. I got the time-travel blues, look at the mess I'm in. I'm sad for what the past will be...and what the future hasn't been. I longed to know the future, like the Oracle of Delphi An then this cat knocked on my door: Goddam, it was myself! I got the time-travel blues, since I met myself comin' in; I'd tell you all about it...but where the hell do I begin? He said that I was going to invent a time machine-- That is to say, I told me, if you follow what I mean. I said, "I'm no inventor, man: I'll never ever get it." But he said, "Copy this one, and we both can share the credit!" I cranked it up, it blew right up, and then and there I died. I wonder who that joker was, and why the bastard lied... Got the time-travel blues: one of my life's most awful shocks Now I could use a doctor: in fact, I need a paradox ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 11:16:11 EDT From: Neil Rigby Subject: Good Health The horse and the mule live thirty years And nothing know of wines and beers. The goats and sheep at twenty die With never a taste of scotch or rye. The cow drinks water by the ton And at eighteen is mostly done. The dog at sixteen cashes in Without the aid of rum or gin. The cat in milk and water soaks And then in twelve short years it croaks. The sober, modest, bone-dry hen Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at ten. The animals are strictly dry They sinless live and swiftly die. While sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men Survive for three score years and ten. And some of us, though mighty few Stay pickled till we're ninety-two. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 11:44:04 -0500 From: RAINYBOW Subject: The CaT tesT Lexus engineers have a way of testing to see if their cars are air-tight. They would put a cat in the car and close it up. They would check the car again in 24 hours. If the cat was dead, it passed the test. Chrysler heard about this and decided to try it. They put a cat in one of their cars and closed it up. When they checked it again in 24 hours, the cat was gone.... -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Rainbow~ RAINY http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 18:47:51 +0100 From: Catweasel Subject: Quotes - Women's points of view I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -- Dolly Parton You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -- Erica Jong I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. -- Rita Rudner I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. -- Roseanne This guy says, " I'm perfect for you, cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" -- Judy Tenuta Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyllis Diller He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. -- Carol Leifer I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -- Wendy Liebman Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -- Erma Bombeck If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. -- Sue Grafton I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on. -- Roseanne I think-therefore I'm single. -- Lizz Winstead When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. --Elayne Boosler I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -- Gilda Radner Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -- Maryon Pearson Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. -- Bella Abzug I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -- Gloria Steinhem Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. -- Katherine Hepburn I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -- Marie Corelli If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -- Linda Ellerbee Trust me, I'm a doctor. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org Men get laid, women get screwed. - Quentin Crisp ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 13:59:59 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Gittin' Hitched... The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again. "You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!" "I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!" **************************************** Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 13:47:49 -0500 From: Michael Cornelius Subject: Coming out A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you...I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!" (Submitted by Bruce Hartford to a different list.) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 15:28:27 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Goldie Oldie Copied from Houston Chronicle columnist Leon Hale: Sue Gregory has sent me a little nonsensical ditty some of the customers may remember: " 'Twas midnight on the ocean/Not a streetcar was in sight./The sun was shining brightly/And it rained all day that night./While the organ pealed potatoes,/Lard was rendered by the choir./As the sexton rang the dishrag/Someone set the church on fire./ `Holy smokes!' the preacher shouted/When the flames danced in his hair./Now his head resembles heaven/For there is no parting there." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 16:02:47 +0300 From: Leo Heler Subject: Christmas party (adult) After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise, " he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face." "He's an asshole - piss on him." "You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well fuck him," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday." -- Leo Heler Four lines is not enough ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 18:23:45 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Playground Rules A few (okay, okay, more than a few) years ago, I took my two daughters, then ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud as she was able to read the sign with all the rules to her sister. "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion." "Go down the slide while sitting only." "Only one child on a swing at a time." There were about twenty rules and the girls promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without Daddy standing by. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them, calling them babies if Dad stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and went over to the picnic area and began preparing our lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions. I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one. They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or backward. Angrily, I picked up the children and took them over to the posted regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud, again. Then I asked the girls what they had to say for themselves. My five year old answered immediately, "Don't be silly, Dad. No one uses a slide rule anymore." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:45:44 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Voice Recognition You probably heard of those smart computers that will operate at your command (voice). Check this out...Found on the sun-managers list: From the Journal American: At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software.A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to be quiet.Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,"Format C: Return." Unfortunately, the software worked. Chalapathi :-) "Energy equals milk chocolate square" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 23:13:57 -0500 From: Humor Subject: AOL Price Raises TOP TEN REASONS AOL RAISED ITS RATES Sure, AOL is a money machine. But even the online giant needs an extra boost to the bottom line once in a while. Here's why: 10. Pay off the settlement to Tim McVeigh 9. Severance for CompuServe employees 8. Need to raise money to buy Netscape 7. Steve Case is jealous of Larry Ellison's fighter jet 6. Have to pay the fee to the guys who creamed Bill Gates in Belgium 5. AOL programmers are all requesting "interns" 4. Need money to pay James Earl Jones to record a new version of "You've got mail" 3. Hiring bouncers for the chat rooms 2. El Nino 1. Because they can ------------------------------------- Best: Of Humor 'This is a laughing matter' http://www.bestofhumor.com webmaster@bestofhumor.com ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:00:28 +0400 From: rufus Subject: NIPPLE FACTORY A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!' "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Sep 1998 to 2 Sep 1998 **********************************************