From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Thursday, September 03, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Sep 1998 to 3 Sep 1998 There are 15 messages totalling 606 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. knowledge 2. Army Life 3. The 'Net does not make you gay 4. More Clinton Jokes 5. I Got Lucky! 6. BloNde nEar dEath 7. A Poem by Shel Silverstein 8. Humor - Weird Business News #7 (1 of 3) 9. A little war humour 10. Her Occupation 11. It Was An Accident! 12. Short bursts of humor mostly about current events 13. Cross Talk 14. Forms of (Dis)Belief 15. Q & A ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:27:33 +0300 From: Leo Heler Subject: knowledge A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says... "Now she knows." (thanx to ADAB) -- Leo Heler Four lines is not enough ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 04:31:30 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Army Life * A solider, leaving an Army Base, was overheard telling a friend, "This has gotta be love at first sight. It's only an 8 hour pass." - - - - - * The Sergeant was explaining some important points to a squad of recruits on the rifle range. "This type of bullet will penetrate 2' of solid wood," he said, "so remember to keep your heads down." - - - - - * An applicant for a job listed his last occupation as "US Army." He gave his title as "Sergeant" and duties as "Operation Desert Storm." Under "reason for leaving" he printed, "Won the war." - - - - - * As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people ?" The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going." - - - - - * The instructor wanted to impress upon the soldiers how horrific any combat could become using nuclear weapons. He told the class, "The next war will be over in a matter of hours." One recruit whispered to a buddy, "Good. We'll get the rest of the day off then." - - - - - * A personnel clerk at Fort Meade received a document, initialed it and passed it on to the Duty Officer. It promptly came back with a note attached: "This document didn't concern you. Erase your initials and initial the erasure." - - - - - * In spite of regulations, the enlisted man fell in love with an Army Nurse with the rank of Captain. One morning, following a lover's quarrel, they passed each other without a sign of recognition. A Lieutenant witnessed the scene and stopped the non-com. "That woman is an officer and you didn't even salute her." "Salute hell." the solider whined. "We're not even speaking !" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 12:24:53 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: The 'Net does not make you gay This was from CNN text news: REPORT: INTERNET CAN MAKE YOU LONELY, DEPRESSED Internet users who spend even a few hours a week online at home experience higher levels of depression and loneliness than if they had used the computer network less frequently, The New York Times reported. Mandatory stupid jokes follow: Reasons why the 'Net makes me depressed: * 0.00001% response rate to my multi-level marketing spam. * So difficult to convey the effects of my plastic surgery via ASCII. * My inability to spell is now well-known to 2 billion people around the world. * Lost a bundle at some Internet casino based in Moldavia. * People in my favourite mailing list believe that I am a bot and send me messages in binary form only. * My dog got hold of my password and now my mailbox is clogged with posts from lists called "Machocanines" and "Allcatsarewimps". * Cherry Bonbon, one of the darlings of my favourite newsgroup, has turned out to be a female impersonator. * I discovered that my ISP modem is two tin cans connected by a piece of string. * My latest post, "The use of interest rates in currency support, whilst maintaining a sustainable growth", to an Economy list has been acknowledged by the listowner with: "HAHAHAHAHA!!". * My latest joke to HUMOR resulted in 1743 e-mails telling me that it was the most moving, touching, heart-breaking story they had ever read. * The members of an online support group "There is always hope 4U", think I am hopeless. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 07:42:20 -0400 From: Jimmy Farrar Subject: More Clinton Jokes This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_0020_01BDD645.373A5860 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year. When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one." If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'" Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered. The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly. Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief? Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom. Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else." Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe ------=_NextPart_000_0020_01BDD645.373A5860 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor = Bill=20 Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production
in Canada this=20 year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign = affairs,
he=20 replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

If you came = across=20 Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river
and you had a choice = between=20 rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer
prize-winning photograph, what = shutter=20 speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy = tales=20 begin with once upon
a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. = Some=20 begin with 'After
I'm elected...'"

Clinton's mother = prayed=20 fervently that Bill would grow up and
be president. So far, half of = her=20 prayer has been answered.

The American Indians have nicknamed = Bill=20 Clinton as "Walking
Eagle" because he is so full of sh.. = that he=20 can't fly.

Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund = as=20 insane
as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in = Chief?

Clinton=20 only lacks three things to become one of America's
finest leaders: = Integrity,=20 vision, and wisdom.

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton = replied,=20 "Youth in
Asia are just like kids everywhere = else."

Clinton=20 is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe

------=_NextPart_000_0020_01BDD645.373A5860-- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:08:51 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: I Got Lucky! One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!" He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:02:44 -0500 From: RAINYBOW Subject: BloNde nEar dEath A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever. The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it. -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Rainbow~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 10:22:00 -0500 From: Michael Cornelius Subject: A Poem by Shel Silverstein If you have to do the dishes such an awful, boring chore-- If you have to do the dishes instead of going to the store-- If you have to do the dishes and you drop one on the floor, maybe they won't let you do the dishes anymore! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 11:01:48 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #7 (1 of 3) Copied from Houston Chronicle collumnist Jim Barlow: NEW MONTH. Old subject. Weird Business News. It's time to explore the strange items that have landed -- often with a thud -- on your faithful correspondent's desk in the past month. Let's start off with our Deal of the Century award to the Home Shopping Network, which on Dec. 31, 1999, will auction off "the 144 actual bulbs that adorn the famous New Year's Eve Ball high atop One Times Square." Batteries not included. Wonderbra, the company that knows how to put up a good front, unveiled its latest Rivera line of lingerie last month in the most exciting manner possible. No. Not that. They hired a 137-foot luxury yacht to dock in Los Angeles stocked with models wearing "demi-bras and panties," according to the news release. Well, I guess you just had to be there. Great Business Names: * Want Want Holdings Ltd. of Singapore, which makes rice crackers. * Fatigue Technology of Seattle, which specializes in products for the aerospace industry, especially Boeing. * Starbase-1 Coffee Company Ltd. of Las Vegas, which trades on the Over-the-Counter Market under the symbol "Trek." Reflecting the broader range of duties of its members, the Professional Secretaries International is now the International Association of Administrative Professionals. I don't know about where you work, but around here we stand at attention when the administrative professionals speak. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To be continued. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 17:32:03 +0100 From: Catweasel Subject: A little war humour (Thanks to Little Dave, one of the sickest bastards it has ever been my pleasure to know) Two men are pinned down in a foxhole when one feels the call of nature. "Cover me, I gotta take a shit," he says to his buddy, and then carefully makes his way to some nearby trees. After 20 minutes with no sign of his friend the remaining soldier starts to worry. An hour later he is getting frantic. After 3 hours alone he has accepted that he will probably never again see a friendly face, for his chances of survival alone are approaching zero. Suddenly the now despondent soldier hears a familiar whistle, and gives covering fire while his friend picks his way back to the trench. What the hell have you been doing all this time?" he asks. "Oh, man," says our wayward hero. "I found this woman over there, she was so beautiful. I've had the most incredible sex you can imagine. I must have fucked her every way possible." His friend proceeds to clamour for details, asking "Did you fuck her in the ass?" "Oh yeah," reports our hero. "It was incredible. I've never seen a more inviting ass." "And did you stick it between her tits?" "Such beautiful tits," comes the reply. "So round and soft. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven." "So, uh, does she give good blowjobs?" Our hero looks a bit saddened at this point and says "I don't know. I never found her head." Trust me, I'm a doctor. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org If at first you don't succeed, try second or shortstop. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 13:37:40 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Her Occupation A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that's still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman excitedly states, "I'm a chicken farmer!" The accountant is puzzled, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 13:24:44 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: It Was An Accident! A Vermont state trooper was the first to arrive at the scene of a two car accident. As he pulled over, he saw two cars in ditches on either side of an interstate highway, and a decapitated head in the middle of the road. Climbing out of his car, he stepped over to the first car and pulled out a notepad . . . . . . car in d-e-t-c-h . . . "nope, that's not it" . . . car in d-e-c-t-h . . . "nope, that's not it either" . . . car in d-e-i-t-c . . . "durn, that ain't it either" . . . car in d-i-t-c-h . . . "yeah, thats it!" The cop then stepped across the road to the other car, and wrote down the same info as the first. Then he walked over to the decapitated head lying in the middle of the interstate. Head in e-n-t-i-r-s-t-i-t . . . "nope, that ain't it" . . . Head in i-n-d . . . The cop then looks around and quickly kicks the head into the ditch . . . d-i-t-c-h . . . "Yeah, that sounds good...!" ****************************** Always try to be modest, and be proud of it. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 16:07:33 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Short bursts of humor mostly about current events Taken from recent issues of the Atlanta Journal-Constitutions, the vent column. My boss believes in having a $1,000 meeting to solve a $100 problem. You know you've reached old age when you start liking New Age music. Is the Clinton legal defense fund giving refunds? We spent $100 million to attack one factory and some tents. Sort of makes Ken Starr look like a cheapskate. Witnessed: Lady driving 80 mph on the interstate, cutting bangs with scissors. Why is it that when you're in trouble, you're in the doghouse and when you've got it made, you're in the catbird seat? A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole more as they get older. Then it dawned on me: They're cramming for their finals. The very same people who believed Ronald Reagan and George Bush when they lied about Iran-Contra are calling for Clinton's impeachment over an inappropriate relationship with a White House Intern! I expected Jesse to also say, "You should have had remorse before the intercourse, you should have said good bye before the tie, and you should not have made a mess on the dress, you wouldn't be in the press!" Why do they put the slowest check out clerks in the express lanes at grocery stores? Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, large fires and a Diet coke. Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well. "Poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" mean "blood-sucking creatures." Pro Wrestling isn't fake, it's "legally accurate." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 16:09:57 EDT From: Neil Rigby Subject: Cross Talk A liberal preacher was invited by a liberal school principal to talk to her older girls about Christianity and Sex. Not wishing to upset his less tolerant wife, the preacher entered the engagement in the diary as "Talk to girls about sailing." A day or so after his talk, the principal met the preacher's wife. "So very good of your husband to talk to my girls the other evening. He was quite splendid and so helpful." "I can't imagine what he knows about it," replied the preacher's wife, "he's only done it twice and the first time he was sick and on the second occasion his hat blew off." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 20:29:49 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: Forms of (Dis)Belief Forms of (Dis)Belief Theist: I know. Atheist: I know. Agnostic: I don't know. Apathist: I don't care. By Steven Garrett ICQ# 13621615 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 10:04:37 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Q & A Q. What Is Similarity Between an Audio Cassette And A Girl? A. You Can Use Them On Either Side. Q. What Is The Similarity Between Girl And Tea? A. Both Are Hot, Have Milk And Are Needed While Rising. Q. What Is The Difference Between Sky And A Skirt? A. The Sky Covers the Whole Universe And A Skirt Covers the Universal Hole. Q. What Is The Difference Between Men's Cricket And Women's Cricket? A. In Men's Cricket There Is A Short Leg Between Two Long Legs While In Women's Cricket There Is Deep Gully Between Two Fine Legs. Q. What Did The Egyptian Boy Say To The Egyptian Girl? A. Come Behind The Pyramid And I Will Make You A Mummy. Q. What Did Newton's cock Say To Newton? A. Fuck Your Law Of Gravity, I Am Going Up. Chalapathi :-) "Energy equals milk chocolate square" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Sep 1998 to 3 Sep 1998 **********************************************