From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, September 05, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Sep 1998 to 5 Sep 1998 There are 16 messages totalling 604 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Golf 2. free drink 3. If you can't believe in Duct Tape... 4. Gay Q&A 5. Grannies on the road 6. How to Succeed 7. Humor - Weird Business News #7 (3 of 3) 8. Bear Salvation 9. Marrying Man (Pun) 10. Indian Names 11. Differences Between You And Your Boss 12. Trids 13. No DHMO 14. From Where??? 15. Wrong number 16. Adult (Humor) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 03:23:18 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Golf * I have a friend who really needs some serious psychological help. The guy treats golf as if it were just a game. - - - - - * As the pro had told him, he kept his head down addressing the ball. While he was keeping his head down, somebody stole his golf clubs. - - - - - * After years of trying, I finally got a hole in one. Now I'm going nuts trying to figure out how to mount it for display. - - - - - * Another friend of mine, Dan is as avid a golfer as you'd ever want to meet. Following a day of golf with him, I asked how he liked my game. "It's OK, I guess." he replied. "But personally, I like golf much better." - - - - - * Sitting at the bar in the clubhouse I told Dan that that was the last time I was ever going to play golf with Richard. I went on to explain that he had lost his ball and found it two feet from the cup. "Well, Jimmy, be fair now." Dan replied. "While that is unlikely, it's at least possible." "No it wasn't !" I maintained. "I had the ball in my pocket." - - - - - * I was once in a foursome with my Minister. I'm afraid I forgot myself and let loose with some profanity after missing an easy shot. "Jimmy," he said, "I've played golf with some of the finest men in our congregation. Last week, Mr. Nicholas went for six under par on this very course. I didn't hear one word of profanity from him." Still upset, I replied, "Well Pastor, what the hell did he have to cuss about ?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:53:19 +0100 From: "Vandersijp_kca, Jaap" Subject: free drink Two stockbrokers, completely bankrupted by the latest slide of Wall Street, want to drink away their sorrows. With only 2 dollars between them, they are thinking of a plan. 'I've got it! says one: 'What we'll do is buy a cheap sausage at the butcher. Then we go into a expensive bar, order some drinks, and then when we've finished, I'll hang the sausage out of my fly, while you suck it. They'll throw us out, and we can go to the next place without paying!' So off they go, get a sausage, into the first bar, few beers, out on their ass, into the next, and so on. Late that night they get hungry. 'Could do with something to eat.' 'Yeah. Hey, let's have that sausage, that should fill us up.' 'Nah, I ate it three, four pubs ago...' Jaap van der Sijp 'Ive got the digital blues, my soul is just another number' (JJ Cale) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:01:28 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: If you can't believe in Duct Tape... We are all familiar with the way modern science produces contradictory results about important matters. You know where of I speak: one week a study says that we should eat tons of bladabla daily to prevent inflamation of the bongo nerve, the next we learn that bladabla causes myopia in laboratory aphids and should be avoided by anyone who wants to maintain a functioning blammodammo gland beyond their 15th birthday. I think we've all gotten used to this. Now, however, comes something really unsettling! This week's TIME magazine (dated Sept. 7) reports that DUCT TAPE is not good for sealing DUCTS! I saw the quote right there in the front-end section of the magazine. "It failed reliably and often quite catastrophically." --Max Sherman What are we to make of this? Will Sherman be challenged by the Duct Tape Council? Is it possible he's just not a 'guy' and can't use the stuff? Will there be further tests? Is it a result of Clinton's lack of moral fiber? Will the Dilemmacrats blame it on the Repelicans? Ontological foundations are shaking all around us. -- Jim Mica JMICA@ITHACA.EDU Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language. -Ludwig Witgenstein ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 09:53:15 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Gay Q&A (via Dvlwitch) Q: What do you call 2 gay guys named Bob? A: Oral Roberts. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What do you call a Jewish Homosexual? A: Heblew. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What do you call a gay in a wheelchair? A: Rolaids. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What do you call a gay Eskimo woman? A: Klondike -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What do you call a gay Indian? A: Brave fucker. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What do you call a gay dentist? A: A Tooth Fairy. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What do you call two Irish gays? A: Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What do you call a sleeping bag in San Francisco? A: Fruit roll up. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: What kind of license do lesbians need? A: A licker license. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Other Q & A....... Q: How can you tell that your wife is old? A: When you can suck her tits and lick her clit with a simple turn of the head. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Q: Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? A: Sperm is handmade. ***************************************************** "For those who say I can't impose my morality on others, I say just watch me." --Joseph Scheidler, Executive Director, Pro-Life Action League ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:58:53 EDT From: Sue Sevin Subject: Grannies on the road Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back; - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." =================================== "I was only all right up to about the age six. After that I was more or less consistently fantastic up until about twenty-five, and since that time I have been world-class." Spider Robinson ==================================== ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:40:05 -0500 From: Humor Subject: How to Succeed How to Succeed: 1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. 2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss --and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander. 3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. 4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing--they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand. -- ------------------------------------- Best: Of Humor 'This is a laughing matter' http://www.bestofhumor.com join@bestofhumor.com -------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:43:25 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #7 (3 of 3) Copied from Houston Chronicle collumnist Jim Barlow: Rodents keeping cool. Our Cheerful News of the Month comes from d-Con -- the folks who make the rodent killer. They warn in a news release, "The recent heatwave in the Southwest is ... sending rodents indoors to escape the high temperatures and humidity." Best Business Book Title. Teaching Chipmunks to Dance: the Business Leaders' Guide to Making the Distributed Enterprise Year 2000 Compliant, by Chris Jesse. The What Is This World Coming To award to a survey by Student Monitor Web site, which found that surfing the Internet has replaced beer drinking as the No. 1 pastime on college campuses. The Least Startling Survey award to Women's Day magazine, which questioned a cross-section of American women ages 25 to 54 on their favorite fun activity. Of the top 10 activities chosen, sex ranked 10th. And in a related matter, the third annual Wrinkle Report survey of 201 dematologists found that 30-and-over women seeking treatment and advice want to look better for themselves. By contrast, men of the same age seek such treatment because they want to look better for the opposite sex. The Scorched Palate Award to Eddy Raven's Mexi-Cajun Gourmet Sauce, the first place winner in the 2nd annual Texas Fiery Food Show in Austin, beating out 2,000 other hot sauces. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The end. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 11:50:25 EDT From: Jen S Subject: Bear Salvation A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both his legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!" That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God" the bear said, "Bless this food I am about to receive . . ." Now and then it is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. : ) talkloud@juno.com Jen (Write to me if you like!) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 09:08:50 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Marrying Man (Pun) Once upon a time, there was a man who married in his youth the most perfect woman for him. She was beautiful, charming, witty, independent, sexy and she loved her husband dearly. It caused him the utmost grief when she died not long after their marriage, and he mourned her for many years. In time he overcame his grief and married again, but this woman was pretty only because of the volumes of makeup she wore, was witty only in a painfully sarcastic way, was independent only because she could find no one to be dependent on, was never sexy, and if she loved her husband, it was in the most twisted fashion imaginable. He soon regretted his decision to marry again, and booted the nagging witch as quickly as possible. After more time, the man eventually found another woman who was at least the equal to his first wife, if not better. He was in luck, she did not die, nor did she prove a Harpy after the vows were made, and they lived many happy years and had several children. It did not take him long, in fact, to get over what had proven to be ... a very brief mid-wife crisis. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 16:04:27 EDT From: Jen S Subject: Indian Names This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm. Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild? The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber why are you so curious?" "Now and then it is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." : ) talkloud@juno.com Jen ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 16:51:28 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Differences Between You And Your Boss When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're ass-creeping. When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum. When your boss does the same, he appreciated women. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked. (Thanks to Mary Campbell) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 15:53:46 -0500 From: "Matthew 24:7 Francis" Subject: Trids There once was a village and all of the people that lived there were called Trids. They were very short people about 2 feet tall. And a Giant lived there too and everyday he would come around and kick them. A Rabbi heard about this and decided to go see him. He was very nervous about meeting him. He got there and the Giant invited him in for lunch. They had a nice conversation. The Rabbi then told him of his nervousness. How he had heard about him kicking the Trids. He thought the Giant might hurt him. The Giant said, "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids. this original ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 15:52:48 -0500 From: "Matthew 24:7 Francis" Subject: No DHMO This is what I was asking you for that you did not remember here it is BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, and tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe sweating and tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death. Dihydrogen monoxide: * is the major component of acid rain. * contributes to the "greenhouse effect". * may cause severe burns. * contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape. * accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals. * may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes. * has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients. CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars in property damage. Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used: * as an industrial solvent and coolant. * in nuclear power plants. * in the production of Styrofoam. * as a fire retardant. * in many forms of cruel animal research. * in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical. * as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products. Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer! THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use. IT'S NOT TOO LATE Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world. Send e-mail to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to: Coalition to Ban DHMO 211 Pearl St. Santa Cruz, CA 95060 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 21:40:30 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: From Where??? There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and WHACK! knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden WHACK! the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and Bong!" bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1998 09:26:23 +0530 From: Dilip Nathani Subject: Wrong number A new recruit wanted to have a cup of tea. So he dialed the number of the pantry but got the wrong one. When someone picked the phone he said "Please send me a cup of tea." "Do you know whom you are talking to ?" the other side asked. "No." he replied. "You are talking to the director of this company." the other side replied. Then our friend asked. "Do you know who is talking on this side ?" "No" the other side replied. "Thanks". And he put the phone down. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1998 08:53:24 +0400 From: rufus Subject: Adult (Humor) A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the "statue". Later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he said to the 'statue'. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Sep 1998 to 5 Sep 1998 **********************************************