From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Friday, October 02, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Oct 1998 to 2 Oct 1998 There are 10 messages totalling 421 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Hunting 2. The Wink (Pun) 3. Reality Checks 4. Doctor's Orders 5. I Have No Recollection... 6. Letter of reccomendation 7. Wish I'd said that 8. "Wonder" Bread and Mailman 9. beware of dog 10. Top Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 03:27:27 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Hunting * It'll be hunting season soon here in the US with the usual number of shooting accidents. Last year in Howard County, a hunter was climbing thru a fence with his gun cocked. He was survived by his wife, two children and three deer. - - - - - * An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days." "Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks." - - - - - * An English hunter came upon a lovely young lady, completely nude, cavorting in a lake. The hunter said, "I beg your pardon m'Lady, I'm looking for game." The young lass smiled and said, "Well... I'm game." So he shot her. - - - - - * Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. "Where's George ?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone. "He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him." - - - - - * After listening to the exploits of a braggart about his hunting skills, I managed to inject, "My favorite sport was tiger hunting in Africa." "My dear sir..." he began, using his most condescending voice, "there are NO tigers in Africa." Assuming a posture of extreme indignation, I replied, "Well of course not ! Not NOW !!!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 01:48:29 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Wink (Pun) A certain man had a daughter who was...how do I say this tactfully... ugly. Well, in a desperate attempt to marry her off, this man found a available young gentleman by the name of Herz. He invited him over to supper and, with the promise of a large dowry, suggested Mr. Herz wink at the girl during the meal. Unfortunately, once he saw her, no amount of money would have coaxed him to batt his lashes....which just goes to show you: You can lead a Herz to daughter, but you can't make him wink. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 07:26:55 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Reality Checks "I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game. "I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown. "I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973. "That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz. "You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944. "Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9. "You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954. "Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind. "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test. "Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine. "There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases. "The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s. "The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945. "All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912. "Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914. "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899. "And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 08:34:46 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Doctor's Orders A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor met him again, and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you? That was quite the gorgeous young lady I saw you with!" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 08:44:37 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: I Have No Recollection... Somewhere in America, next week...... ----------------------------------- Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son - What's up, Dad? Dad - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? Son - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car. Dad - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? Son - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it. Dad - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? Son - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car. Dad - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox? Son - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent. Dad - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? Son - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car. Dad - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? Son - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way. Dad - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car? Son - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information. Dad - Where in the hell did you learn to be such a smart ass? Son - From The President of the United States. Dad - I see. ******************************************** Everything stated above is completely correct... any inconsistencies are due to fundamental flaws in reality. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 15:36:49 +0100 From: Catweasel Subject: Letter of reccomendation Next time you're asked to write a reference letter, think of this... The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith: Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Signed ... A memo was son sent to follow the letter: That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him. Trust me, I'm a doctor. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 13:26:06 -0400 From: "Harter, Douglas" Subject: Wish I'd said that Thanks to rec.humor.funny & geraghty@visi.net. Copied as posted on 9-30. This was taken from the front page of this morning's Richmond Times-Dispatch (Metro Section). It seems that last night (9/23/98) Virginia executed yet another prisoner, and for the first time in four years, the electric chair was used (at the request of the prisoner). One of the media witnesses, a Terry Scanlon of the Lynchburg News & Observer, talking about the prisoner in his last moments, is quoted as saying that the condemned "...didn't show any resistance." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 18:37:28 EDT From: J e n Subject: "Wonder" Bread and Mailman Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex: 1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old! 2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret? 1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding! So the second old man rushed to the store. Clerk: May I help you? Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please. Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done! Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me? *** It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." "From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere." -- Dr. Seuss talkloud@juno.com Jen (Got any original/never before heard jokes????) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 19:14:39 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: beware of dog Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." Steven ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 00:45:58 EDT From: Michael Gaines Subject: Top Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change 10. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling. 9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced. 8. Your twelve year old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream. 7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and six pallbearers. 6. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replys " I'm sorry, I dont do autopsies". 5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with "Dear Weenie..". 6. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following diaglogue box: "ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike ? (Y/N) ". 4. During your commercial flight, the pilot unexpectedly mumbles something in arabic and immediately all the stewardesses begin waving machine guns. 3. While watching the news, you spot your husband marching in a Gay Pride parade. 2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a truck which looks very similiar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies. 1. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to "chew the fat". ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Oct 1998 to 2 Oct 1998 **********************************************