From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, October 03, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1998 to 3 Oct 1998 There are 10 messages totalling 485 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Psychiatrists 2. The Orphan (Pun) 3. A COWBOYaS GUIDE TO LIFE 4. 90'S JARGON 5. The 100GB Bug 6. 8. Wedding Nite Prank(AdulT) 9. Lil Johnny (adult theme) 10. The Mine (Puns) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 03:35:37 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Psychiatrists * Patient: "I love boxer shorts." Shrink: "Nothing wrong with that, I prefer them myself." Patient: "Really ??? With mustard or mayonnaise ?" - - - - - * I'm not so sure any psychiatrist is able to help anyone. I mean think about it. Here's a guy who has a gorgeous woman on his couch, telling him all the intimate details of her life, and the damn fool just sits there, talks, and takes notes. - - - - - * A woman complains to her shrink that her husband is always washing the car and not paying any attention to her. "Well..." responded the doctor, "a lot of men over-value their cars, but what's wrong with washing the car ?" "He does it in the bathtub." she exclaimed. - - - - - * The Rabbi's wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband thinks he's the new Moses." The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were only a passing fancy. "OK." she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him from parting the waters in the hot-tub ?" - - - - - * A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he's there, the fellow responds, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in." "Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living ?" "I'm a window washer." responded the patient. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 01:18:38 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Orphan (Pun) My name is Michael Idd, and I have a heartache. A heartache that will not abate, for the many years it has plagued my psyche. For I was born an orphan, and my heartache concerns my natural mother, who will not acknowledge my very existence. I spent the majority of my adolescent and adult life in an urgent search for my mother, who, I was told, was a popular celebrity. One day, I was fortunate enough to catch a segment of her speech on the radio, and I knew my search was over. I immediately began a crusade to communicate with her. But to no avail... she refuses to take my calls, avoids my every attempt to make contact, and has even gone as far as to leave specific instructions to her staff that I be escorted from her place of work if I should be spotted there. I am heartbroken, and don't know what to do. But I, Michael Idd, will survive. And I will persist in my effort to know the only human I can make true connection with. All I have to do is think back to the exhilaration I felt the first time I heard her voice. That sweet, feminine, understanding voice, lilting out across the airwaves... saying, so softly, so confidently.... "Hi, welcome to the Dr. Laura Show... and who am I? I am Mike Idd's mom." (By "RumpL4skn'" ) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 07:13:15 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: A COWBOYaS GUIDE TO LIFE ~ Never squat with your spurs on! ~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day. ~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.=20 ~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is=20 probably a whole lot bigger than you think. ~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'=20 somebody else's dog around. ~ Never ask a man the size of his spread. ~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started=20 roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The=20 moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'. ~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. ~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.=20 ~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. ~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad=20 judgment. ~ Always drink upstream from the herd.=20 ~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. ~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. ~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be=20 surprised if they learn their lesson. ~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown aroun= d=20 by somebody else. ~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back. ~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it=A6s critical to know what it was. ~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back= =20 in your pocket. ~ Never miss a good chance to shut up. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 09:12:38 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: 90'S JARGON ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here." ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. BEEPILEPSY - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and interruption of speech in mid-sentence. CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa." CRAPPLET - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!" DANCING BALONEY - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help." DEPOTPHOBIA - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia. FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located."Don't bother asking him. . . he's 404, man." GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in." GOOD JOB - A "GET-OUT-OF-DEBT" JOB. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. KEYBOARD PLAQUE - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. MIDAIR PASSENGER EXCHANGE - Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain." NYETSCAPE - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser. OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Seen in Elizabeth P. Crowe's book The Electronic Traveller. (Like when you type rm -Rf *, and realize you are in /, and not in the directory you thought you were in.) PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.") PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. SQUARE-HEADED GIRLFRIEND - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow." TELEPHONE NUMBER SALARY - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits. TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists." UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is Dale, my...um...friend..." UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm boot for a Mac II involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 09:13:35 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: The 100GB Bug Firebringer News Service (FBNS) Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles. "The people who know - the sign-makers - are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills." ************************************************ If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 11:19:33 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: Subject: Birds of a feather Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, lived across the street from each other. Both dearly loved chicken salad. Each day, they took turns having lunch at his or her house and they always ate chicken salad. This continued until they were ready to start school.=a0 The day before school started, their mothers found them crying. When asked why they were crying, they responded that they could no longer eat their chicken salad together. =a0 The mothers comforted them with the promise that they would pack their lunches and they could still eat chicken salad together every day. The children did so every day. When they were about 11 years old, the girl unpacked her lunch one day and the boy, startled, said, "That's not chicken salad. You said you were going to eat chicken salad every day for the rest of your life. What IS that stuff?" To which the girl replied, "This is peanut butter and jelly. I still love chicken salad, but I can't eat it anymore." Boy: "Why not??" Girl: "Because I'm growing feathers." Boy: "You are not!" Girl: "Yes I am. I'm growing feathers and can't eat chicken salad anymore." Boy: "I don't believe you, let me see." Girl:=a0 "I can't show you my feathers." Boy:=a0 "I don't believe you." So the girl agrees to show him her feathers and they proceed around the building to a solitary spot and she drops her panties and shows him her feathers. Boy: "My, oh, my! You ARE growing feathers. Well, I'm not and I'm going to eat chicken salad for the rest of my natural life." >From then on, the girl ate peanut butter and jelly and the boy ate his chicken salad. When they were 13, the boy unpacked his lunch. The girl, sniffing, exclaimed, "That's not chicken salad! You said you were going to eat chicken salad for the rest of your natural life. What IS that stuff?" To which the boy responded, "Tuna salad. I can't eat chicken salad anymore. I'm growing feathers, too!" Girl: "Let me see." Boy: "Oh, no! I couldn't possibly show you my feathers." Girl:=a0 "I showed you mine." Boy: "Well, I guess fair is fair. You did show me yours." They went around the building and he dropped his pants. The girl's mouth dropped open and she exclaimed, "You're not only growing feathers, you're growing the neck and the gizzards, too!" Trust me, I'm a doctor. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 13:38:33 -0500 From: RAINYBOW Subject: Wedding Nite Prank(AdulT) Irv and Esther were planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding. The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a businessman, and the third a dentist. They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The businesman decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do. A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the bastard that put the Novocain in the vaseline!" -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Rainbow~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 15:35:25 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Lil Johnny (adult theme) Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.... "MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 21:00:40 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Mine (Puns) Many years ago a friend of mine called Joe worked in the coal mines. He would go to work early in the morning, go down the mine to the coal face and do his eight hour stint, then come back to the surface to get ready to come home. He followed this daily routine faithfully for years on end, down the mine in the morning and up at the end of his shift. Down then up, down then up. One day whilst he was at the coal face he swung his pick ax and the point went deep into a rock. He eventually managed to remove the pick ax from the rock, and as he did so he was engulfed in a deluge of water. He was absolutely drenched by the water, and his work mates remarked that he looked about 10 years younger since the water had covered him. They all tried to get soaked, and those that managed did indeed look 10 years younger. He, and those of his friends who had managed to get covered by the water, were thankful but they couldn't stop wondering why they had only been made to look 10 years younger. Why hadn't they been made to look 20 or 25 years younger than they really were? ... It must be obvious that it was only a miner miracle. Reply from: Jim Ertner Stan: I, too, once had a friend, Joe, who worked in the coal mines. Unfortunately, he was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down the mine shaft and crushed Joe to death. A local composer wrote an orchestral piece in memory of Joe: It was called "Symphony in A Flat Miner." Jim ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1998 to 3 Oct 1998 **********************************************