From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Monday, October 05, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Oct 1998 to 5 Oct 1998 There are 9 messages totalling 363 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Kids and Grandkids 2. The Ten Commandments of E-mail 3. Little Red Riding Hood 4. The T.V. Repairman and the housewife 5. COffee bREak(adult) 6. Puns and Riddles 7. There's Still Time 8. Niggers in jail (racist) 9. Monday Surds.. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 02:36:44 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Kids and Grandkids Administrative Note: In the September 30 Digest, two posts titled "Wanna Date My Daughter" appeared. The author of this piece was Bruce Cameron in his "Cameron Column #76" Any member noticing material posted without proper credit or the original source is asked to write the contributor and cc: the ListOwner, Jay Harman =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= * In the "Not so Reassuring Phone Call" Department this week, a Mother received a call from her son at 1:00 a.m. "Don't worry Ma, I'm perfectly safe -- I'm in jail." - - - - - * Life can be tuff for teens in Baltimore. One teen was questioned by a friend if he wasn't worried for his own safety "hanging out" late at nite. He replied, "Nah. Dad said that if I see a gunfight, get into it so's I won't be shot as a bystander." - - - - - * A mother was lecturing her son on good living: "Don't smoke, drink or do drugs. Eat properly and sensibly. Doing otherwise has killed more people than all the wars we've ever had." The boy thinks this all over for a minute or two, then asks, "Ma, then what kills all the people who live right ?" - - - - - * As y'all know, olives are an acquired taste. At a picnic here one time, my Grandson JimJr JrJr was watching me pop a few olives. He tried one and promptly spit it out. Then he saw me pop several more. He tried again with negative results. This time though he complained loudly to Mrs JimJr, "Mom-Mom, Pop-Pop is getting all the good ones !" - - - - - * A Yuppette ducked into an exclusive (no kids allowed) Columbia dress shop leaving her five-year-old son in charge of his year old sister. When she finally emerged, there was her son pushing a different stroller; her daughter nowhere in sight. "Daniel ? What are you doing ?" she said. "That's not your sister !!!" "Shhhhh, Mother." he replied. "This is a much better stroller." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 08:30:52 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: The Ten Commandments of E-mail Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn. And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 14:52:06 +0100 From: Catweasel Subject: Little Red Riding Hood Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to visit her grandmother in the forest, and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off." But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said "Don't worry Mom, I've got it covered." As she was walking through the forest, she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said, "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off." So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!" As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off." At that, Little Red Riding Hood lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, laid down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at the big bad wolf, and said, "Oh no you're not. You're going to eat me just like the book says." Trust me, I'm a doctor. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 07:27:12 -0700 From: Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM> Subject: The T.V. Repairman and the housewife Mrs. Cohen, the buxom, sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . " The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!" "And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ." "Yes yes!" "Would you help me move the refrigerator?" Rodney And Cathy's Joke List Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 10:45:19 -0500 From: RAINYBOW Subject: COffee bREak(adult) It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!" "So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Rainbow~ RAINY http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 10:00:24 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Puns and Riddles This guy who was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that." The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts." The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket." A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with. "Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father. "No," says the boy. "Are you resisting arrest?" he asks. The boy hesitates before he says, "No, ... I'm not sleepy yet." PUNY Riddles 3 16. What author would Cleopatra invoke if Mark Anthony asks her if she were faithful to him? 17. The game show host, a former Marine, lived with his family in a famous Mexican city. Name that family and their location. 18. What's the similarity between someone who has buys an option on a female farmer's legume crop and someone who develops a cold sore? 19. What did Leonardo say to Donnatello when he saw the bovine at the end of her elastic rope? 20. What did the famous WWI spy say when future Pres. Truman apologized for the army's discourteous treatment of her? 21. What city gets its name from dropping a waffle on the beach? 22. If you sue a urologist, what kind of trial would s/he probably request? < < < < < < < < 16. Omar Khayyam (Oh Mark, I am) 17. The Halls of Monte Zuma 18. Both have contracted her peas (Herpes) 19. "Cow-A-Bungee," he shouted as they watched the Jersey bounce. 20. It doesn't Matah, Harry (Mata Hari) 21. Sandy Eggo 22. A jury of your pee-ers ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 19:34:01 -0700 From: "Keith E. Sullivan" Subject: There's Still Time THERE'S STILL TIME An adult piano student of mine asked me to teach her Pachelbel's Canon, so she could play it at her friend's wedding. After a month of practice, however, she had made very little progress, and I warned her that she might not be ready to play the piece at the wedding. "Oh, that's okay," she replied. "Her boyfriend hasn't proposed yet." Elsie Anzalone ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 23:06:34 +0300 From: Leo Heler Subject: Niggers in jail (racist) Three niggers were talking in a prison in South Africa. They are talking about how they got in the slammer. The first one says: "There was this white guy, driving a truck, and he hit me. The impact thrown me 20 feet away, and they put me to jail for leaving the place of the accident". "That's nothing", says the second. I was also hit by a car, and thrown off in a man's yard. And the damn authorities put me to jail for leaving the place of the accident and violating private property." The third nigger just laughs. "Well, I got hit by a car, thrown off in a man's yard. The guy gets out of this house and stabs me with a 15 inches knife. He leaves the blade in my back, goes inside, and calls the police. So here I am, doing time for leaving the place of the accident, violating private property AND for illegally carrying a blade!" -- Leo Heler ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 09:55:21 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Monday Surds.. 1. A sardar walking on the street, suddenly notices a banana peel on his way. Imagine what the sardar tells himself... "Dhat Tere ki... Aaj phir girna padega!" (Damn... I'll have to fall again today...) 2. Two Sardarjis are in a railway station. "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?" asks the first. "No," answers the Railway man. "Can I?" asks the second Sardarji. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Oct 1998 to 5 Oct 1998 **********************************************