From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Tuesday, October 06, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Oct 1998 to 6 Oct 1998 There are 12 messages totalling 448 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Partners Polemic 2. It's All In The Name ("f" word) 3. Remember When 4. Top Cigar Ad Slogans 5. Indian Aids 6. A phone call 7. Make a Deal (shouldn't be offensive) 8. B-day present/Cannibals 9. Series of old corny jokes 10. WHAT"S DA DIFFERENce?(adult) 11. My Footsteps 12. The Alley Cat (Pun) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 03:39:47 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Partners Polemic * Came home late the other nite. The minute I hit the door, Mrs JimJr started shooting from the lip. - - - - - * Mrs JimJr and I have gotten so damn good over the years at patching up our quarrels, they're just as good as new ones. - - - - - * Guess y'all heard about the deaf mute and his wife. She was so angry, he couldn't get a finger in edgewise. - - - - - * In kung fu, you fight with your feet. Big Deal. I've been doing that for over thirty years. When Mrs JimJr gets really upset with me, I run like hell. - - - - - * The wife was a little more furious than usual and said, "I should have listened to my Mother twenty years ago." "Go ahead..." shot back the husband. "It ain't too late. She's still babbling away." - - - - - * A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me." The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse." - - - - - * Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend. "Oh ! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 07:09:31 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: It's All In The Name ("f" word) Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that?" The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy." Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, "What's that?" He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids." A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE." Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?" She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 08:40:36 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Remember When * You're not old UNLESS you can remember * Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV. * When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than milk and sodas. * When there were two types of sneakers for boys. * When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school. * When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. * When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table. * When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there. * When nobody owned a pure*bred dog. * When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus. * When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. * When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. * When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. * When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done, everyday. * When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot! * When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. * When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. * When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. * When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did! * When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. * When women were called, "Mrs. John Smith," instead of their own name. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 08:20:23 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Top Cigar Ad Slogans (via "MsKitty") TOP CIGAR AD SLOGANS -- These aren't your father's cigars ... ... or your mother's, for that matter. -- When's the last time you had a good stiff Cuban? -- Because size really does matter. -- The bigger the hole, the bigger we roll. -- Available in small, medium, and donkey sizes. -- The "fun-to-put-in" carcinogen! -- New ribs for her pleasure. (oops.. that was for condoms) -- After a strokin' it's still good for smokin'. -- Long enough for a man, but made for a woman. -- Won't leave a mess all over her dress! -- All the flavor of a fine Cuban cigar... with the pungent aroma of a tuna canning factory! -- These won't go floppy in your mouth. -- The best thing you'll ever find in a box. -- Melts in your mouth, not in her muff! -- Cigars... they're not just for oral pleasure any more. And the upfront disclaimer that should accompany any honest cigar ad slogan... -- Batteries not included. ***************************************************** "Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws." -- Karl Kraus ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 07:16:28 PDT From: r s Subject: Indian Aids An Indian Minister hangs himself when he realises that the black money he has been hiding and the kickbacks he has been getting are on the verge of being revealed by a newspaper that doesn t accept bribes. His death certificate has the following as the cause of death : AIDS His enraged relatives rush down to the mortuary to clarify that he had been hale and healthy before his death. " I know," said the coroner, " but this AIDS means Accumulation of Income Derived Secretly". read A Singaporean discovers India at http://members.xoom.com/RanjeetSingh/main.html ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 19:14:50 +0100 From: Catweasel Subject: A phone call A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered voice on the first ring, "Hello?" "Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked. "Yes", whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" the man asked, feeling somewhat put-off by this delay. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." "Son, is there any one there besides you?" the boss impatiently asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed voice the child answered, "The police just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" After a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a very low whisper, "They're looking for me!" Trust me, I'm a doctor. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 19:18:02 EDT From: Kalen Pascal Subject: Make a Deal (shouldn't be offensive) A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...." To which the Rabbi replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 19:27:47 EDT From: J e n Subject: B-day present/Cannibals There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!" *** *** Three men were lost in the forest and were captured by > > > cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they > > > could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the > > > trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten > > > pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went > > > separate ways to gather fruits. > > > > > > The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten > > > apples." The king then explained the trial to him. You > > > have to shove the fruits up your a** without any expression > > > on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in, > > > but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was > > > killed and went to heaven. > > > > > > The second one arrives and shows the king that his ten > > > fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to > > > him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... > > > 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he > > > burst out in laughter, therefore he was also killed and went > > > to heaven. > > > > > > The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first > > > one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" > > >= > > > The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I > > > was doing well when suddenly that third guy showed up with > > > all those watermelons!" *** *** "Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts." :-) Jen (any original/never before heard jokes?? Send 'em over!!) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 17:41:20 -0700 From: Susan Birkenseer Subject: Series of old corny jokes I'm not sure where these jokes originated, but the collector is listed at the end. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? "Dam." What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist. What has four legs, is big, green, and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. ...and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left him. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. --Submitted by Josephine E. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 20:00:11 -0500 From: RAINYBOW Subject: WHAT"S DA DIFFERENce?(adult) Q. What=92s the difference between Monica Lewinski and the rest of us? A. When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote. -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Rainbow~ RAINY http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 18:17:39 -0700 From: "Keith E. Sullivan" Subject: My Footsteps MY FOOTSTEPS? An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. _Be still, my heart,_ thought my friend, _my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!_ Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?" Susan Dillon ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 19:30:41 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Alley Cat (Pun) A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through the back door. Regrettably, only his body had made it through when Gabe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty after world complete. Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the law:... I can't retail spirits after 2:00 A. M.. From: "Big Al" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Oct 1998 to 6 Oct 1998 **********************************************