From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Thursday, November 05, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Nov 1998 to 5 Nov 1998 There are 14 messages totalling 720 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Elephantine Jokes!:The Soccer Game 2. Men and Women 3. The Farmer's Son (Pun) 4. Lincoln-Kennedy (mildly offensive) 5. The Law is the Law 6. Tough Game/School Play 7. An Oldie, But A goodie - Duck Shopper 8. The Luck of the DEAL 9. NOAH'S ARK 10. Sponsor an NBA player 11. 25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years 12. Strangers on a Train 13. El' Jokes!:Pachydermic Personnel Prediction 14. The Patriot (Pun) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 12:48:18 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Elephantine Jokes!:The Soccer Game It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to ZERO, when the Ants gained posession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up." Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 04:02:37 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Men and Women * A man walks over to a vision of loveliness at a party and sez, "Excuse me, could I interest you in breaking up my marriage ?" - - - - - * A woman visits her husband's office and meets his secretary who looks like a former PlayMate of the Month. "Nice to finally meet you." she said. "My husband has told me so little about you." - - - - - * Times have changed drastically in the relationships between men and women. These days, when a man gets upset with his wife, he goes to his club. In the days of the cavemen, he just reached for it. - - - - - * Pity poor Mary. She found the man of her dreams, but being a strict Catholic, she refused to marry him unless he converted to her religion. The young man started attending classes. Now Mary's back on the dating scene again -- seems her young man decided to become a Priest. - - - - - * "Marge ! I see you finally got George to go to Church." said the neighbor over the back fence. "Well, yes... but I'm afraid he's still not into the spirit of it all. He waited for everyone to finish saying the Creed and the Prayer of the Church, then he just nodded his head." - - - - - - * Two buddies were having a few before they went home and the conversation turned to their wives. One said to the other, "I find my wife entertaining." "Gee... that's great." replied his drinking buddy. "Wish I could say that." "Yeah ? Well... you wouldn't think it was so great if you found her entertaining every damn time you went in the door." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 02:06:12 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Farmer's Son (Pun) Farmer Brown's son George went to the big city to make his fortune. Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and on last October 20, he found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living. At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an abundance of late hay down on the farm. So, in this story, ... the farmer makes hay, while the son shines. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 06:00:27 -0500 From: Jay Harman Subject: Lincoln-Kennedy (mildly offensive) Thanks to Don at Mailcity.... <--------------- lincon vs. kennedy ---------------> Kennedy - Lincoln Similarities Here's a little part of US history which makes you wonder Coincidence? Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth,was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald,was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker, A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 07:03:14 -0500 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: The Law is the Law (got this from a friend of mine) The following are laws from around the world... Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with brick or piece of wood at all times. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute... Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!!) In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (Presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Gotta love the good 'ole USA!) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 07:04:02 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Tough Game/School Play It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top. "How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just starred. The quarterback seethed but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official starred a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback and finally replied, "And how do I smell from here, young hothead?" ===================================================================== Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years, just like you dad!" "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 08:16:11 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: An Oldie, But A goodie - Duck Shopper A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got any fresh fruit?" "No." "Got any fresh vegetables?" "No. We have only canned and dry goods." The next day, the duck returns. "Got any fresh fruit?" "No." "Got any fresh vegetables?" "No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor." On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?" "No." "Got any fresh fruit?" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 07:42:30 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: The Luck of the DEAL A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 09:51:17 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: NOAH'S ARK ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK -- Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. -- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big. -- Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done. -- Build on high ground. -- For safety's sake, travel in pairs. -- Two heads are better than one. -- Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails. -- If you can't fight or flee -- float! -- Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth. -- Don't forget that we're all in the same boat. -- When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!! -- Stay below deck during the storm. -- Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals. -- If you have to start over, have a friend by your side. -- Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside. -- Don't miss the boat. -- No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side. ************************************************* "We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it." -- Eeyore ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 08:34:15 MST From: Jim Winski! Subject: Sponsor an NBA player "NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM" NEEDS YOU With an NBA player's strike against the team owners, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary line. And as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks-possibly a whole year! But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day - that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV - you can help keep a basketball player economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. "HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?" Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. "HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING" Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. Simply fill out the form below. YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below: [ ] Starter [ ] Reserve [ ] Star* [ ] Superstar** [ ] Entire team*** [ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me. * Higher cost ** Much higher cost *** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team. (Does not include cheerleaders) Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for reserve or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel. [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover Card [ ] Diner's Club Your Name: __________________________ Telephone Number: __________________________ Account Number: __________________________ Exp.Date: Signature: __________________________ Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone (Children under 18 must have parent's approval) Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much to busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax deductable. Jim Winski - jcw@upi.uhcolorado.edu Programmer/Analyst, Information Systems University Physicians, Inc. - Denver, CO ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 07:55:28 -0700 From: Sue Birkenseer Subject: 25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years >25 Things I Have learned in 50 Years by Dave Barry > > 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of >helicopters in it. > > 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling > reason why we observe daylight-saving time. > > 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of >humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. > > 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is >entertainment. > > 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests >you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from >her at that moment. > > 6. A penny saved is worthless. > > 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be >peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is >hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet >except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East >will be bitter enemies. > > 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. > > 9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, >gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep >down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. > > 10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to >make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. > > 11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." > > 12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never >want you to share yours with them. > > 13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that >generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new >concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of >possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG >PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into >a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX >QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next >time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN >APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with >hammers. > > 14. Nobody is normal. > > 15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very >excited and announce that * The universe is even bigger than they >thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * >Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong. > > 16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race >has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word >would be "meetings." > > 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy >people who are not in them. > > 18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of >what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: > > *If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," > the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all > other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. > > *If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that > there are significant differences between these two products, both > companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. > > *If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable > athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact > that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. > > *If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the > critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this > factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes. > > 19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of >its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not >use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. > > 20. You should not confuse your career with your life. > > 21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice >person. > > 22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too >seriously. > > 23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one >individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very >often, that individual is crazy. > > 24. Your friends love you anyway. > > 25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. > >> -- Dave Barry > -- Susan Birkenseer Sue@CircusPrepress.com ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 17:08:20 -0500 From: "William E. Grover" Subject: Strangers on a Train A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 11:31:30 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: El' Jokes!:Pachydermic Personnel Prediction PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION by Peter C. Olsen A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited. The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior. CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant,and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa. 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4. During each traverse pass, a. Catch each animal seen. b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected. Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant. Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants. Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants,but their staffs are designed to prevent it.When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware sales people catch rabbits,paint them gray,and sell them as desktop elephants. VALIDATION : A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence in statistics. ACKNOWLEDGMENT:This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of many people,all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 22:50:25 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Patriot (Pun) Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, . . . "I'm not free. I'm four." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Nov 1998 to 5 Nov 1998 **********************************************