From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Friday, November 06, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Nov 1998 to 6 Nov 1998 There are 10 messages totalling 398 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. College Daze 2. Speeder(adUlt) 3. A Couple of Smiles 4. The Top 12 Ways Life Would be Different If There Were No Vowels 5. Point/Counterpoint 6. Ignore the Little Man behind the Screen... 7. Top5 - 11/5/98 - A Government Run by Wrestlers 8. The Law is the Law (fwd) 9. EleTelephony 10. Control Freak ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 03:06:41 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: College Daze * Most frequent student pick-up line: "Can my Dad buy ya a drink ?" - - - - - * Q: What's the favorite position of a girl from Vassar College ? A: Facing Bloomingdale's or another upscale department store - - - - - * Did ya all hear about the Adult-Ed student who was kicked out of the Univ of Maryland for cheating -- with the Dean's wife. - - - - - * The reincarnation of Diogenes set out to find an honest student at the US Naval Academy. After four days of fruitless searching, he figured he was doing pretty good because he still had his lantern. - - - - - * Did y'all hear about the coed who wrote home for $45 to buy a pair of warm-up pants ? The Father sent her $ 90 and said to buy a pair for him to give to her Mother too. - - - - - * A student sat before his martini trying to spear the olive with a toothpick. He tried and missed a dozen times. The bartender walks over and spears it with a toothpick on the first try. "Big deal !" said the student. "I already had it so tired it couldn't get away." - - - - - * Two students out attempting to pick-up a couple of dates weren't having much success. "Maybe we'd better split-up." said the one. "The girls seem to take an instant dislike to me once they find out I'm a law student. Wonder why that is ?" "Maybe..." his buddy replied, "it just saves time." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 05:26:56 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Speeder(adUlt) The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 07:06:46 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: A Couple of Smiles Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee. ======================================================================= A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "No," the lady yelled back, "It's a scarf!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 08:17:11 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: The Top 12 Ways Life Would be Different If There Were No Vowels 12. Wht th fck knd f tpc s ths? 11. Nothing before nothing except after c? Sure, Teach. Whatever. 10. Cartoon strip characters limited to sleeping and swearing. 9. Sudden inability to pick out the Czech hockey players in the NHL. 8. Alex Trebek: still wealthy and famous. Pat and Vanna: living in a van down by the river and fighting tooth and Press-on Nail over dwindling supply of food. 7. As the price of Sesame Street stock plummets, Bert and Ernie are laid off. 6. Y, during interrogation, denies any ever working for the deposed junta. 5. 19% less time on the crapper. 4. The Thomas Brothers' Map regional offices in Honolulu do some serious downsizing. 3. Now, *51* ways to leave your lover! Latest addition: "Sorry babe, but U and I are history." 2. Old MacDonald awakens to an eerie silence. and the Number 1 Way Life Would be Different If There Were No Vowels... 1. President Clinton breathes a sigh of relief, since he never said he didn't have sex with Mnc Lwnsk. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 08:21:00 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Point/Counterpoint (via MsKitty's "Litter Box Mews") Everything Southern has its spiritual Yankee counterpart... Here's how to tell which is which: -- The North has sun-dried too-mah-toes -- The South has 'mater samiches -- The North has coffeehouses -- The South has Waffle Houses -- The North has Mom -- The South has Mama -- The North has dating services -- The South has family reunions -- The North has switchblade knives -- The South has Lee press-on nails -- The North has saving the whales -- The South has getting saved -- The North has double last names -- The South has double first names -- The North has sensational tabloids -- The South has neighbors -- The North has Ted Kennedy -- The South has Jesse Helms -- The North, a gal says, "You can sleep with me" -- The South, she says "Y'all can sleep with me" -- The North has the Mafia -- The South has NASCAR ***************************************************** It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 11:43:45 -0500 From: Jim Mica Subject: Ignore the Little Man behind the Screen... Subject: (no subject) Date: Thu, 05 Nov 1998 11:31:42 -0500 From: Jim Mica Organization: Ithaca College To: Jim Mica In this segmented, analyzed marketplace of a world, where hucksters d= aily fain friendship to sell their wares, it=92s nice to see the mechanisms behind the facade from time to time. Just the other day I received a package --not a letter, a cardboard box package-- with news of the latest Reader=92s Digest sweepstates. I could well be a winner of $5,600,000! Now, for those of you who don=92t know about Reader=92s Digest, it= =92s this magazine with a humongous circulation. RD gets its big circulat= ion by protecting people from having to read full-length articles from such august publications as PEOPLE MAGAZINE and The Whitebread Monthly. (I sometimes wonder that the FTC hasn't forced them to change the name to Non-Reader's Digest.) They also try to convince gullible beings that subscribing to their mag might give the= m a better chance of winning millions of dollars. So, I got this sweepstakes mailing using the usual merge-letter format which personalized it to the point where I suspected the letter writer actually had gotten my cat=92s hair on his pants and that RD really new and cared about The Mica Household. I learned that a bonded security agent might soon be leaving the airp= ort in White Plains, New York (about 200 miles southeast of where I live) to fly to to Buffalo Airport (about 200 miles northwest of where I live) to bring a suitcase full of money to my home. I sent the sweepstakes stuff back to RD and told them, =93No thanks.=94 I really don=92t wanna have to move the house 200 miles on the off chance that this guy is coming with a suitcase full of money. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 15:42:00 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 11/5/98 - A Government Run by Wrestlers T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Where the laughs don't stop on Election Day ================================================================ ================================================================ November 5, 1998 The Top 13 Changes Under a Government Run by Pro Wrestlers 13> Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster. 12> President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera. 11> IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema. 10> Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-- Hey, wait a minute... 9> Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school. 8> Sex scandals now involve even skankier women. 7> January 20: Inauguration ceremonies January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids 6> Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house. 5> During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair. 4> Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal. 3> Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker. 2> Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial. and Top5's Number 1 Change Under a Government Run by Pro Wrestlers... 1> Before: Mr. Vice President After: Stone Cold Al Gore [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ] ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 16:40:58 -0500 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: Re: The Law is the Law (fwd) I've gotten a couple of emails about the laws I sent out. I apologize for offending anyone. Pleaes read the email below to straighten out the confusion. ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 11:51:55 -0500 From: MUHAMMAD ALY BALAGAMWALA To: geckman@polaris.umuc.edu Subject: Re: The Law is the Law > Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: After > having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh Dear Gwen: I am a Muslim and would like to take objection to the above statement. There is no law in Islam that allows one to have sex with any other person except his wife. Therefore the above statement should be changed. Since I can't send messages to the list I would appreciate if you could send this little correction. TIA, Aly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Muhammad Aly Balagamwala 228 Alexander Hall, NCSU Box 4052, Raleigh, NC - 27607 (919) 512-7261 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1998 09:28:12 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: EleTelephony Once there was an elephant who tried to be a telephant; no no, I mean an elephone who tried to be a telephone. (Dear me I am not certain quite that even now i've got it right) how e'r it was he got his trunk entangled in the telephunk the more he tried to get it free, the louder buzzed the telephee. (i fear i'd better quit this song of elehop and telephong.) Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 21:19:45 -0800 From: "Keith E. Sullivan" Subject: Control Freak CONTROL FREAK My husband had just returned from a five-day hunting trip, and I planned a romantic evening for us. As I was unpacking his bag, I heard him say behind my back, "Oh, baby, did I miss you!" I turned to give him a hug, only to find him kissing the TV remote control. Diana L. Young ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Nov 1998 to 6 Nov 1998 **********************************************