From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Thursday, December 03, 1998 2:00 AM To: harter.douglas@dep.state.pa.us Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Dec 1998 to 3 Dec 1998 There are 9 messages totalling 521 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Announcement (Pun) 2. Christmas Eve in Brooklyn 3. Male - Female 4. Flu Shot??!! 5. Santa Is A Man 6. The Opinion Poll 7. "College" by Dave Barry 8. Only if it's raining... (Adult) 9. Phones & Loans...A true Personal Story ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 22:52:36 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Announcement (Pun) A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!" (By Alan Webster) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 23:27:41 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Christmas Eve in Brooklyn Christmas Eve in Brooklyn 'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mellow, Not a creature was stirrin', I had a gun unda my pillow. When up on da roof' I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!" When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But dat hairy elf Vinny, And eight friggin' reindeer. Wit' a bad hackin' cough, And da stencha burped beer, I knew in a moment Yo, da Kringle wuz here! Wit' a slap to dere snouts, And a yank on dere manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name. "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Sally, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!" As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, Down came his boot On da top a my head. His eyes were all bloodshot, His b.o. wuz scary, His breath wuz like sewage, He had a mole dat wuz hairy. He spit in my eye, And he twisted my head, He soon let me know I should consider myself dead. Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose, He let out some gas, And up da chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, .....screaming, And away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'. But I heard him exclaim, Or better yet grump, "Merry Christmas to all, and Bite me, ya hump!" -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 04:05:10 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Male - Female * Entry under comments on a third grade boy's report card: "Possible maladjustment -- likes girls." - - - - - * Have y'all ever noticed that men who are successful with the ladies invariably do as the roster does -- crow about it. - - - - - * A Vassar coed was asked how her relationship with her latest beau was going. She replied, "I'd really like to establish a long term association with Jim. But at present, it looks virtuously impossible." - - - - - * Knowing I was a figure skating fan, a friend of mine asked my reaction to the nude photos of Katarina Witt in "PlayBoy". I said, "Actually George, I never gave it a second thought. I was much too busy with the first one." - - - - - * A divorced friend of mine was still able to retain some of his wealth and was about to enter the dating scene again. He asked my advice on admitting his age (68) to the young ladies he planned on chasing. "Frankly Frank," I told him, "I think you'd have far more success with the 30-year-olds if you told them you were 80." - - - - - * Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a Father asked the boy how much his last date had cost. The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh... about $15 or so I think." "Well..." said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 07:02:53 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Flu Shot??!! Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater but soon it got the best of him and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 08:33:12 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Santa Is A Man In reference to: Old St. Nicki? I think Santa Claus is a woman.... Santa is a man. It is precisely because Christmas is an "organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal" that Santa has to be a man. Delegation... that's the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on. It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. We'd have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet... there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) That's a scary thought. If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Year's Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen. Once she got underway, she'd be too busy talking on the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boy's house in a single year, let alone a single night. If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be none of the noise making, shoot 'em up, battery operated windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on improving one's self esteem. Christmas just wouldn't be the same. I'll tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer... Dasher, Comet, Blitzen... If those aren't male names for football players, than I'm an elf. (Thanks to BS Pyle) Happy Holidays to one and all! http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 10:16:35 -0500 From: Jim Mica Subject: The Opinion Poll Subject: Fwd: OPINION POLL Date: Sat, 28 Nov 1998 13:12:54 -0500 (EST) from "ECULAUGH" A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor. "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something." So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir." "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked. "Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing." That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!" *** End of original note *** ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 19:16:04 EST From: Eric Barr Subject: "College" by Dave Barry **from a Dave Barry column** Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: >> * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These >> include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and >> crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. >> * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). >> These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, >> -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these >> things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. >> If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay >> in college for the rest of your life. >> It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was >> in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of >> three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to >> forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were >> named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember >> something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed >> in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in >> my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of >> brain cells. >> After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to >> choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and >> forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of >> advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts >> and Right Answers. >> This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, >> or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for >> example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class >> one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of >> the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result >> to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* >> the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of >> chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen >> combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to >> come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have >> agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. >> So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, >> psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really >> understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve >> virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these >> subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each: >> ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have >> read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to >> get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a >> book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, >> suppose you are studying Moby Dick. Anybody with any common sense >> would say that Moby Dick is a big white whale, since the characters >> in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand >> times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby Dick is actually the >> Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of >> reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are >> enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic >> interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English. >> PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and >> deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. >> You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs. >> PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. >> Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an >> entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain >> sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat >> learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats >> or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major >> in psychology. >> SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and >> away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of >> sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never >> once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because >> sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of >> their time translating simple, obvious observations into >> scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll >> have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have >> observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: >> "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies >> of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists >> between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior >> forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will >> get a large government grant. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 11:54:31 +0800 From: Jie Dy Subject: Only if it's raining... (Adult) Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and go out the window, my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window. It's raining like hell out there!" Mary cried, "If he catches us, he'll kill both of us!" So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed, he found himself in the middle of a marathon race.....so he started running with the others..... still nude and carrying his clothes over his arm. A runner asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you run." The other runner then asked Ralph, "Do you always run carrying clothes on your arm?" Ralph replied breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can dress at the end of the run and get in my car and go home!" The other runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining." he...he...he... ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 01:45:05 +0000 From: Jack Shea Subject: Phones & Loans...A true Personal Story Paula, Years ago going on vacation my wife and I discovered we hadn't mailed the bills ,we instead packed them with the rest of our stuff. No problem...we mailed them from there. When we got home there was a nasty note from the bank telling us to call immediately about our past due car payment. I called and they said it never got there. No problem, I'll bring it by tomorrow. I brought in my payment and since the little coupon from the payment book was with the check that was lost, I didn't have it and the teller said she would note my account that I was paying cash. The city I worked in was forty miles from my home bank and I didn't want to delay by a day. I shortly received a late notice! I called and they checked and said it must have been an error as my account was up to date. For two months I would get a few late notices and upon calling the bank I was assured that my account was in order. Shortly after making my September payment I received a letter from the Vice-President of the bank informing me that I was late for my October payment!!! This was really silly since the payment date was the 17th of the month and it was now September 14th!!! I went to the bank personally and asked to speak to the VP whose name was on my letter. I was ushered into his office and told him I had a problem with the letter he sent me about a late payment. He asked for the letter which I gave him, he glanced it over and with a straight face told me the letter was correct and what was the reason I was delinquent and when did I expect to make this late payment, adding that I would incur late charges and possibly interest. I politely asked him if he read all the correspondence he signed his name to? Indignantly, he said of course he did. I asked him to read the letter again. He did and wanted to know if I was being funny with this waste of his time? I said that I wasn't trying to be funny but this IS very funny. This did not help his disposition so I quickly interjected the section of the letter he signed that said I was late for my October payment. He glared at me and said, "So". Sir, if you look at your calendar, note today's date and then please explain to me how I could be late for next months payment. He looked puzzled for a moment and then with head in hand started to laugh. What had happened we eventually found out was a computer glitch. The payment was always made with the coupon and the computer would recognize that. By paying cash, it recognized my account was up to date but I was missing one payment due to the lack of the lost coupon. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Dec 1998 to 3 Dec 1998 **********************************************